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TJ Lane
A fine example of citizenry from Ohio, TJ Lane posted the above status update via Facebook two months and several states away before the actual shootings occurred, but news companies are treating it like he posted it the fucking hour before. TJ (which is short for Thizzlehat Junction) was apparently the subject of some extreme trolling and bullying, which prompted him to bring a gun to school and shoot some people for fun.
His killcount stands at 3, getting only hitmarkers on 2 others. Dumbfuck should have used Stopping Power. News agencies flipped their collective shit and Facebook Newsfeeds were shitspammed with ZOMGZ! and redirects to Huffington Post. However, as with any school shooting or killing spree of this sort, all the names of the victims were quickly forgotten, but TJ's name and middle finger continued to hold a place in everyone's memories.
Last Thursday, he was sentenced to 3 life sentences of endless mansex with Bubba in a poorly maintained, filthy Ohio prison.
Graded Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 3/20 |
| Accuracy: | 8/20 |
| Style: | 18/20 |
| Butthurt: | 14/20 |
| Bonus: | 20/20 T-Shirt & Escaped Prison on 9/11 |
| Total score: 63/100 (D) | |
Wat happin??/?
The following is a rundown of Monday, February 27, 2012:
- 3:45a.m. TJ is reading The Catcher in the Rye.
- 4:56a.m. TJ wipes the cum from his book with his hand and closes the book.
- 4:56a.m. TJ finishes licking the semen from his fingers, and proceeds to pull up his Superman Underoos.
- 5:30a.m. After raping his cat, TJ sits down at his kitchen table with some cereal and visits 4chan on his iPod.
- 6:30a.m. TJ takes a nap in his hugbox, setting it to Extra Love.
- 7:10a.m. TJ takes a dump on his sister's panties, then uses the shit as warpaint, also smearing dookie over his balls and buttcheeks, causing him to moan loudly.
- 7:15a.m. He grabs his cool new Nerf gun he got for Christmas and tosses it in his backpack, so he can show his friends at school.
- 7:28a.m. TJ walks into the cafeteria of Chardon High School and up to his five best buddies, pulls out his Nerf gun and fires live rounds at their heads, killing one and wounding four others.
Prior to the actual firing, the kid that was killed in the direct shooting was quoted:
— Goodnight Sweet Prince | ||
Our friend TJ fled the scene, retreating north of town before turning himself in to some random people that were waiting for the bus.
The Trial
Seeing a great opportunity for lulz, Lane scribbled the word "KILLER" on a white shirt. The boy proceeded to hide the shirt until he took his place among the trial, spawning enough BAWWWWing and butthurt to power New York City for a month. Sadly all of this raw power went to fuel the countless supplies of farming equipment and to the numerous hunting rifles aimed at deer scattered around the state.
— Greatest closing statement ever | ||
Realizing just how much butthurt he generated, Lane couldn't put up a defense in court because he was too busy laughing his ass off, as he was called a "disgusting human being". Worth noting, however, is that these are the same breed of moralfag that say anyone who shows them a picture of goatse is a "disgusting human being". To raeg the crowd even more, Lane gave an inspiring speech to us all that ended in "Fuck all of you" and flipped the bawwwing moralfags the bird. Rage, butthurt, and batshit insanity followed, as Lane trolled the entire courtroom with this swift move.
Unfortunately, his Jew of a lawyer couldn't save the case following this, because Lane did not consider making the jury butthurt in his master plan. The Judge sentenced him to three lifetimes in jail (only in Ohio can someone stay in jail twice as long as they lived after they die), with charges of maximum trolling.
Though his high score pales in comparison to others, our hero managed to stir up enough butthurt and drama for him to be remembered as a legend until two weeks from now, when Ohioans are too drunk/stupid to remember who the fuck he was (unfortunately for him, another crime in the state was getting more media attention, causing his epic deed to go into relative obscurity).
Prison Life
According to sauces, TJ spent the first 18 months in the big house playing the Pokemon card game with himself, pissing on prison walls like an animal, and playing the role of class rebel in his education courses. He claimed that he couldn't read because it hurt his neck (despite the fact that he was hoarding books in his cell), and that learning gave him a migraine, and he found that drawing pictures of kittens on his schoolwork made for a better learning experience. No, srsly.
He was also busted for giving himself 3 tattoos on his bird chest (unknown what the tattoos were of, but believed to be a combination of Pokemon, kitty cats, and the word "killer") and smoking grips of marijuana with the other kool kidz. This resulted in loss of recreation privileges, as if he had any interest in working out or playing basketball anyway.
So basically TJ is continuing to be the backwoods edgelord who shot and killed a couple kids, jerked off to the memories of said killings, and rebels against the system and its institutional learning facilities. The best part of the prison records report was a quote from a teacher who said "he also does not wear deodorant to the point no one wants to sit next to him." Now *that's* edgy!
Can't Chain the Lane
Then on 9/11 of 2014, in another example of razor-sharp hillbilly edge, TJ and the man presumed to have been reaming his ass in their cell escaped together while the guards were busy participating in remembrance rituals. TJ became the first person ever to get a second chance at achieving the high score in life and will likely return to the same school to redeem his low killcount. The manboyhunt is on.
TJ IF YOU'RE READING THIS HMU YOU CAN STAY AY MY PLACE. Lol disregard that, the dumb fuck already got caught 6 hours after escaping in front of a farm house in the woods, armed with a fucking pitchfork.
Lane was promptly shipped to the super-max slammer in Youngstown where he now enjoys 23-hour lockdown in a cell the size of a parking space. At least now he has his own jack shack in which he can masturbate to the memory of those teenagers he shot dead in peace for the rest of his life.
Second chance score: 0 kills. Could have maimed a cop with your hay poker, or at least tried to an hero with it, but no, you chose to live out the rest of your life enduring painful buttsex on a regular basis instead. YOU SUCK, FAGGOT. HANG YOURSELF, IT'S THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THE BITCH LIFE.
Gallery
-
Be his! -
My life is so hard :`( -
Bitches love faux leather! -
-
He had to do extra chores after asking his mom to take these. "But MOOOM..." -
Supar dupar Ohio crack spechalists arrive on the scene, includes 4 Counter Terrorists a nigger and a derpy idiot. -
Kids celebrate getting out of school for 2 days. -
Lesbians coddle as one sneezes into her hand, the girl on far left doesn't give a fuck.
Youtube
Previous Video | Next Video |
External Links
- Summary of the shooting
- Now Europe knows, and thus is not surprised but very amused
- Oh noes, he escaped.. for a few hours
|
Spree/One-time Killers: |
Aaron Alexis • Adam Lanza • Alex Hribal • Alyssa Bustamante • Anthony Warner • Audrey Hale • Bruce Jeffrey Pardo • Casey Anthony • Cho Seung-Hui • Devin Patrick Kelley • Dylan Klebold • Dylann Storm Roof • Eric Harris • Gerry McCann • James Holmes • Jared Lee Loughner • Jason Rodriguez • Jeff Weise • Jiverly Voong • Joe Stack • Josef Fritzl • Laaiti Ekenstéen • Mark Essex • Martin Bryant • Matthew de Grood • Matthew Murray • Matti Saari • Maurice Clemmons • Pekka-Eric Auvinen • Raoul Moat • Richard Speck • Robert Hawkins • Stephen Paddock • Tim Kretschmer • Timothy Hendron • TJ Lane • Tyler Peterson • Wade Michael Page • Woo Bum-kon |
|---|---|---|
| Career/Serial Killers: |
Academy Maniacs • Adolf Hitler • Charles Manson • Chris Benoit • Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs • Dubya • Jack the Ripper • Jeffrey Dahmer • Mao Zedong • Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski • Ted Bundy | |
| Terrorists: |
Al Qaeda • Anders Behring Breivik • Anderson Lee Aldrich • Anton Lundin Pettersson • Dzhokhar Tsarnaev • Elliot Rodger • George Sodini • Maniacs Murder Cult • Mark Essex • Nidal Malik Hasan • Osama bin Laden • Tamerlan Tsarnaev • Ted Kaczynski | |
| See also: |
Antisocial personality disorder • Jews • Murder • Paranoid personality disorder • Pittsburgh Paint Job • Police Brutality • Sick fuck |
| Featured article December 8th & 9th, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by Ryan Lambourn |
TJ Lane | Succeeded by Onideus Mad Hatter |
| Featured article September 13th & 14th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by JEWS DID WTC |
TJ Lane | Succeeded by OpFerguson |