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Lol-cow
Not To be confused with: Sherrod
For a list of lolcows, click here.
—Typical lol-cow's reply | ||
A lol-cow (latin: Rideo Risi Risum Bos taurus) is a victim of a Flame War who can't help but be milked for lulz time and time again. They have a compulsive need to give up as many laughs as possible at their own expense despite themselves.
A good Flame Warrior can turn even the most dignified poster into a lol-cow, dehumanizing them every step of the way. For some unknown reason, (With only a few exceptions) the lol-cow cannot break the cycle and regain their humanity.
The most wonderful examples of lol-cows are when the lol-cow initially tried to set themselves up as a formidable internet entity. A certain dwarf attempted to set himself up as the King of Trolls, but was soon turned into a lol-cow by nearly everybody on the internets. Despite his moos of protest, and his claims to be the greatest of minds, nearly everybody milks him for what they can get. That is usually quite a bit.
Ironically, over extended periods of trolling, most lol-cows start taking on the traits of those that torment them. Whether this is a coping mechanism, a side effect of spending too long on the internet, or because they lose all their real friends and only have the trolls to relate to is something that warrants further research. Some even spend money to hang out amongst those that trolled them. Over a long enough period of exposure, it can eventually turn into full-blown Trolls Trolling Trolls.
Pathophysiology of Chronic Obstructive Lolcow Syndrome
lolcows were believed by biologists to be mammals of the Bovidae family. However, advances in genetic research have revealed lolcows to be indistinguishable from humans except for a single gene on the 10th chromosome, dubbed the Lulz gene. Like us, lolcows share 98% of their genetic material with chimpanzees. They use the remaining 2% to fry grilled cheese sammiches. In captivity, lolcows are even capable of developing reproductive offspring with other Homo sapiens. Scientists suggest that before the Internets, the Lulz-beta mutation may have been adaptive, permitting the possessor to screen out the mass of hilariously stimulating content, but as the environment has changed and the competition for lulz has increased, lolcows are increasingly at reproductive disadvantage.
Based on this research, most countries have recognized lolcows as deserving of equal protection under the law, and scientists have coined the term Chronic Obstructive Lolcow Syndrome to describe the symptoms suffered by lolcows. It should be noted that while all lolcows possess the Lulz-beta mutation, not all possessors of the Lulz-beta mutation are lolcows. Scientists speculate that triggering events in the environment are necessary to develop full blown COLS. While the search for potential triggers continues, recent research has identified psychosocial stress, such as that of being almost raped, as a potential trigger.
In order to understand how the Lulz-beta mutation results in COLS, it is first necessary to understand the functioning of the normal, functional Lulz gene, known as Lulz-alpha. The pineal gland secretes a hormone known as pedoglobin. It is made of pedo and globin. This hormone has two different effects, depending on the cells it interacts with. Pedoglobin enters the retinal cells, where it interacts with pedoglobinase, the normal product of the Lulz gene, and produces pedoglobin inhibiting hormone, which has a wide variety of effects on the body, but is generally responsible for the euphoric sensation of laughter. Pedoglobin inhibitor hormone has an inhibitory effect on the production of pedoglobin, resulting in the reduced production of pedoglobin by the pineal gland. This restores the normal homeostasis of the body.
In the skeletal muscle cells of the superior phalanges, pedoglobin acts as an acetycholine reuptake inhibitor. This results in increased transmission of nerve impulses to the fingers, reducing the effect of prefrontal inhibitions.
In the person suffering for COLS, pedoglobinase takes an altered shape that is more sensitive to denaturation. Pedoglobinase thus exists in reduced concentrations in retinal cells, and pedoglobin inhibitor hormone is created in reduced quantities. Although this leads to increased production of pedoglobin in the pineal gland, the pineal is limited by the natural limits of nutritional intake. In addition, the uninhibited pineal floods the bloodstream with pedoglobin, resulting in heavily uninhibited transmission to the fibers of the phalanges. Before the internets, this led only to heavy masturbation. In the age of keyboards, it leads to typists who are unable to, so to speak, STFU.
Because of the effects of other bodily adaptations, sufferers of COLS fall into two general categories, colloquially known as "white wiggers" and "pink piggers". In order to understand these terms, it is necessary to understand that the normal and natural white color of the body is caused by the strong activatory effects of pedoglobin inhibiting hormone on melatonin converting enzyme, which converts the oncogenous melatonin, a byproduct of the conversion of sunlight into vitamin D, into bile.
In white wiggers, no adaptation to the reproductively maladaptive Lulz-beta gene occurs. Pedoglobin floods the body in the absence of pedoglobinase, and melatonin is catalyzed very quickly in the absence of pedoglobin inhibiting hormone. Although "white wiggers" remain completely unable to exert prefrontal control of their hands, they remain pure and Aryan.
In pink piggers, gastric mucosa react strongly to the absence of pedoglobin inhibitory hormone, and decrease the release of leptin, a hormone that controls hunger. The increased appetite leads to the increase in the consumption of biotin, a necessary precursor for pedoglobin. The pituitary becomes capable of increased levels of pedoglobin creation, and the increased concentration of pedoglobin in the retinal cells allows an increased reaction rate with the scant pedoglobinase that exists. Although pedoglobin floods the bloodstream, some pedoglobin inhibiting hormone remains to stem the flow from the pituitary-- an effect likened to a 'finger in the dike.' Such "pink piggers" generally suffer from greatly increased appetite, a slightly more oncogenic complexion, and diabeetus, but are more capable of fine motor skills than the heretofore mentioned "white wiggers".
So to summarize: TL;DR.
The LOLi-Cow
Just like the LOL-cow as explained above but this breed of cow is a 15 year old girl and suffers from intense GOTIS, liking to start topics that always reference her breasts or vagina.
Approaching one can end in getting V&. Proceed with caution.
List of cows
Moar info: List of lolcows.