The Aztecs
The Aztecs [Ass-techs] were, not unlike the Klingons, a fierce Warrior Culture which, at least 100 years ago, built a great civilization in middle America and brutally reigned over the other more peaceful tribes with an iron fist (up the ass). . The Aztecs originally came from a town called Aztlan (City of the telescopic crane) which they had to leave because of their insane religious beliefs, a fact that makes em the 1st group of perverted religious deviants to roam the Americas. Kicked out of their hometown, they walked toward the east, feeding on reptiles, grass, small children and other shit, but finally they managed to establish a shining new city… on a snake-infested, barren island in a swamp, surrounded by hostile tribes. Things ultimately went well, and after a century of skillful diplomacy they managed to build a great and proud society, mainly based on murder, cannibalism, war, incest and human sacrifice, much like present day Texas.
In 1519 a gang of gay, unshaved Spaniards, led by the Nobleman Hernan “El Conquistador” Cortez, found their way to the shores of the Aztec-Empire and decided to cosplay as Gods just for lulz and profit. The whole Idea turned out to work just fine, cause no one could tell them apart from the real thing. After general pwnage, genocide, and sightseeing, the Spanish seized the land, snatched the bitches, stole the gold, and took over the Management. The remaining Aztecs were fucked so long and so hard by the Spanish so that they finally turned into Mexicans.
Religion
Tlaloc
The Rain god Tlaloc looked much like a large, retarded toad with teeth and a humanoid body who smelled like boiling shit, but no one told him so because you don’t talk that way to a big smelly toad who controls the weather.
Huitzilopochtli
The Aztec god of war who shared a housing unit, on top of the main pyramid, with Tlaloc. When his mother was accused of being a trifling, cheating, furry (Srsly, the bitch got knocked up by a ball of feathers) slut, he sprang out of her womb and slayed the accusers, his own brothers and his sister. He has his own realm of the Afterlife where he only welcomes Warriors who have died in battle, or women who have died giving birth. If you want to portray him in a positive light, you can say he had a soft spot for Veterans and pregnant women.
Quetzalcoatl
The feathered Serpent, was some hard leather tranny who dressed in feather boas and scales and had to leave the state because he told his sister he’d pull out in time. But before he sailed over the ocean, he promised to return to his people on a distant day in the future, which eventually came true when Elton John toured Mexico in 2004. He's the Ancestor of Crocodile Dundee and the Turtles.
Tonathiu
The God of the Sun demanded a daily dose of fresh Virgins, POWs and other snacks to rise the Sun at dawn. Some critics say the Sun rises by itself, and Tonatiu was just an attention whore who tried to compensate for his low self-esteem, bad breath, and tiny 2nd penis.
Mictlantecutli
Lord of Mictlan, the so-called realm of the Dead, a place much like today's North Korea but without the possibility to get out by dying. He himself is a skinny guy with a skull for a head, not much flesh, and no life at all, exactly like you.
Xipe Totec
“Our Lord of the Flayed” may be a great name to get a chick's attention, but it was undoubtedly a really fucked up job. Chippy was responsible for the vegetation cycles and had a fetish for leather clothes, so every year some poor fuck had to give him his/her skin in return for his services, which basically makes him a socially mandated version of Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs”.
Architecture
Aztec architecture was wide at the base and narrow at the top, which could be interpreted as the direct influence of gravity, which still keeps the people down and the tortillas flat. Another interesting feature were the countless fucked-up carvings of snakes and skulls, something that occurs so often that certain scholars think Heavy Metal was conceptualized in Mexico during that time period.
War
War was the most important source of income and entertainment, driven by social engineering, greed and boredom. Weapons, drinks, and whores were provided for free, and occasional Instance Raids were a quick way to level-up. In case of terminal pwnage on a pyramid top, the player would respawn in a new PvP-Environment, called the Afterlife, lose all his Inventory, but gain +20 Stamina and +5 Armour. The main weapon was the Maquahuitl, a wooden club affixed with shards of obsidian along the edges. Since those fuckin Injuns hadn't figured out by then how to work metals like iron or bronze, their wars were on the level of a very flamboyant gang battle with the addition of fancy wooden sticks; which was cool since their objective wasn't battlefield slaughter, but to kidnap enemies and feed their hearts to their lulzy, bloodthirsty gods.
Classes
Emperor
Being Emperor of the Aztec Empire, or Uei Tlatoani (revered Speaker) as they called them, had a ton of perks: a harem, sacrificing dudes for lulz, power over all three branches of Government (legislative, sacrificial, and rapeatory), a big stash of gold, and the ability to start a war for no reason at all (just like today). The final and best known Emperor was Motecuzoma II.(1502-1520), or Montezuma as some Noobs still call him. He started his career as unwashed Priest and leveled his way up to Warrior. He finaly became emperor after his predecessor Ayaxcatl bit the dust and he won a dance off against other faggots vying for the crown. He is mainly known for sucking up to the Spanish because he thought they were gods, got stoned old school by his people.
Eagle Warrior
Dudes in fancy Bird Suits who could summon the power of the eagle, fly, send rays of destruction from their eyes, and lift a hundred tons (at least on paper). But for people who were not on drugs, they just looked a lot like a cross between Sam the Eagle and a samba dancer on a bad bath salt trip.
Jaguar Warriors
Jaguar Warriors were a horde of furries in cat fursuits on their way to make hostages for ceremonial sacrifice. To accomplish this goal they were armed with shields, clubs, and blessed lard for lube.
Priest
A Priest's main job was to terminally pwn dudes by ripping out their hearts, (which, inexplicably, was not a female only occupation), please the gods by cutting themselves, and take a ton of drugs to see into the future. The downside was that a priest was not allowed to wash himself, ever, which makes them the predecessors of some of our best murdering, stoned, and mentally deranged hobos and hippies.
Slave
May sound bad but wasn’t that bad at all, if you overlook occasional beatings, almost-rape, mutilation, becoming a sacrifice for the gods, rape, mutilation, being eaten, and super-rape.
Conquistador
Spic, ironclad, armed tourist, with bad teeth, horses (the Aztecs had no idea wtf they were), a raging boner for the Virgin Mary, and the obsession to leave a mark, either in the shape of a burnt down temple, mutilated natives, a horde of bastard children, or all of the above. Because the camera was invented 300 years later, the Conquistadors were eager to take all sorts of souvenirs (Gold, Art,...) and people they could show off at cocktail parties.
Language
The Aztec language is called Nahuatl, here are some words you may need if you get blasted back in time, or if you try to look inteligent:
- Pussy - Tipilli
- Dick - Tepolli
- Idiot - teuetzquiti
Fun Facts
- Cannibalism was socially accepted.
- Cocoa-beans were used as currency. (see Peso)
- Rebellious children were held over chili fumes to chill down.
- If you died in bed or anywhere else but a battlefield or body of water, you would go to the shittiest possible Afterlife.
See Also
- Aztec, NM. A shitty town nobody cares about that holds an ancient ruin. The dumb European settlers thought they found the lost areas of the Aztecs.
- Beaners
- South America
- Injuns
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