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The French Revolution
The French Revolution was an amazingly insane clusterfuck that hit France in the late 18th century, paving the way for extensive IRL pwning, war, the first republic, Napoleon, human rights and other shit nobody cares about.
Prelude
In 1774 Louis XVI became King of France and after many expensive undertakings, including his assistance of America in their war for independence just to stick it to the British and his wife looting the royal bank account for bling, he was broke like a nigga on food stamps. To get himself out of debt and generate some cash he called in the assembly of notables, a bunch of aristocrats, gay clergymen and other rich fucks, in order to ask for permission to raise taxes which only resulted in them telling him to GTFO. In 1789 Louis decided to call for an assembly of the estates general, a body composed of the clergy, the nobility and everyone else who wasn’t of any special interest at all. Unfortunately he couldn’t push through with his tax reforms because too many filthy peasants were pissed by the fact they had no vote, no national assembly and no deodorant. In his attempts to difuse tension and sort things out Louis only managed to enrage 90% of the population to the point of revolution. What followed was a TL;DR of constitutional monarchy, treason, war and a fuckload of public decapitations.
The Reign of Terror
The Reign of Terror came about following a bitchfight between the Girondin and the Jacobin parties, but under the firm lead of Maximilien Robespierre and the Committee of Public Safety'r less a pack of well armed Social Justice warriors with far too much power and far too much rage. It all evolved into epic events of indiscriminate mass murder in public, claiming the lives a large number of frenchies, war and fun times. Ultimately members of the CPS became so frightened they themselves would become the next in line to the scaffold that they decided to take preemptive measures and sent Robbie and his friends there first. So the Reign of Terror ended.
Napoleon
So, after a decade of turning France into the world’s bloodiest reality show, where guillotines were the hottest new attraction, the French were like, "Okay, maybe we should stop beheading each other and figure out what to do next." Enter Napoleon Bonaparte: a manlet with a tall hat and even taller ambitions. He was basically the French version of that bulb headed Somali who declares, "I’m the Captain now!"
Napoleon decided that democracy was shit, after the frogs had just spent years trying to achieve it. So, he crowned himself Emperor, because why bother with elections when you can just give yourself the job? The French, exhausted from all the revolutionary fun and games, were like, “Sure, man, just fix this mess.” Napoleon’s idea of "fixing" France involved conquering half of Europe. He charged around the continent like he was playing a giant game of Risk, except every time he lost, he just flipped the board and declared, “Best two out of three!” Eventually, though, Europe got tired of his Napoleon complex (pun intended) and teamed up to give him the boot. Twice.
After his final loss at Waterloo in 1815, Napoleon was sent to chill on an island far away, where he could conquer nothing but his boredom.
Revolutions Encore
In 1830, France decided to flip off its monarchy with the July Revolution. King Charles X, the absolute prick in charge, tried to drag the country back to the Dark Ages with some seriously fucked-up policies. When he started pissing off everyone by dissolving the Chamber of Deputies and clamping down on the press, it was like he was begging for an uprising.
The French people, sick to death of his bullshit, took to the streets in a full-blown riot. Paris turned into a goddamn war zone(Still is), with barricades everywhere and the city’s residents throwing a massive tantrum. Charles X, realizing his reign was about as popular as a fart in an elevator, fled to England. The result? The establishment of Louis-Philippe, the so-called "Citizen King," who was supposed to be less of a dickhead. Spoiler: he wasn’t.
By 1848, the French were once again fed up and ready to blow shit up. The economy was in the shitter, and Louis-Philippe, who was about as popular as a fart, was failing le sixtiath time. The frogs were starving and pissed off,so they decided they’d had enough of this bullshit.
In February 1848, the French revolted like there was no tomorrow. Paris turned into a battlefield le hundreth time, with angry mobs throwing up barricades and clashing with government troops. Louis-Philippe, who was as welcome as a plague, had to abdicate, and the Second Republic was declared. But guess what? The new government was just as fucked up as the last one.
By 1851, the whole thing had deteriorated into yet another clusterfuck, with Napoleon III—yes, Napoleon Bonaparte’s nephew—seizing power in a coup and turning the place into the Second Empire. It was like trading one giant shitpile for another, proving that France’s quest for stable government was a joke.
And so, the nation became an eternal shitstorm of flipping between republics, monarchies, and empires. Forever.
Children of The Revolution
- Louis XVI King of France & Navarre: Messed up big time and got his head chopped off in public.
- Maria Antoinette, Queen of France & Navarre: Got her head chopped of in public for outrageous spending habits, not being French enough, and loving her son the wrong way.
- Georges Jacques Danton: Revolutionary, advocate and whoremonger of great magnitude. Sentenced to death for not being radical enough and got his head chopped of in public.
- Maximilien Robespierre: Revolutionary, advocate and killjoy. Shot in the face and then decapitated for being too radical.
- Louis Antoine Léon de Saint-Just: Max's buddy and possibly gay lover. Decapitated.
- Georges Couthon: A bloodthirsty cripple with a steampunk wheelchair. Like Robespierre and Saint-Just he became a victim of the preemptive strike and got his head chopped off. As the guillotine was not built with accessibility for the disabled in mind he nearly got off the hook.
- Jean-Paul Marat: Physician, journalist and part-time inhabitant of the Paris sewer system. In his time he was the generic Fox News anchor out for blood. Stabbed in a bathtub and later honored with a painting showing his dead body lying in said bathtub.
- Olympe de Gouges: Abolitionist and Feminist. Unfortunately she found herself ahead of her time.
- Charles-Henri Sanson: High executioner of the French Republic. In charge of chopping off all those heads, a job he inherited from his father.
- Napoleon Bonaparte: Started as a young Officer in the Army of the Republic, became the youngest General, rose to the office of the Consul and later on he made himself emperor of France, betraying the Ideals of the Revolution and trolling everyone as hard as possible, before being fucked by the Brits and the Prussian. Kept his Head and died on St. Helena, not the actual Saint, but the Island.
Lulzy activities of The French Revolution
- Overthrowing the Monarchy.
- Hiding, if you were of noble birth.
- Seeking out all traitors and enemies of the revolution.
- Joining a radical political party.
- Trolling those who lost family members during The Terror.
- Ask women if they give head
- Chopping off heads.
- Getting your head chopped off. (Note: The guillotine remained the method of French capital punishment until 1977.)
- Watching public executions.
- Collect heads of famous people and make wax copies of them for your Museum, like Madame Tussauds did.
- Joining the army and fighting for equality, freedom and brotherhood.
- Storming a prison and brutally killing the already handicaped Guards.
- Writing for a newspaper which demands there must be more head-chopping.
- Killing priests after asking for the sacrament of penance beforehand.
- Force churches to convert into Temples of Reason.
See also
- Civil war
- France
- ISIS - Who prefer the more "hands-on" approach to decapitation
- Terrorist - The said term was originally used for the first time for this.
