Andrew Quah

You're a young, up-and-coming conservative politician who rallies for men's rights, libertarianism and family values. You've just been endorsed by the fundie Family First Part for some bum-fuck-nowhere seat in parliament. It looks like all those years of misogyny, bonsai growing and right-wing activism has paid off. Except for one thing, you're still a virgin. But luckily a fourteen year old girl has tried to initiate sex, and has asked for nude pictures. So you send her said nudes. Fuck.

Youth

Mr Quah attending school and fighting the good fight

Andrew Quah always had a taste for drama. Growing up a fat, scarred asian boy in a white-as-Christmas area of Sydney, Australia, he had always felt a bit displaced by his peers. Early on, he channeled his frustrations into growing bonsai plants and opera singing. During high school, frustrated with his Student Representative Council (seen by him as a left-wing puppet of the school administration), he formed his own Independent Student Party to run for election. Not surprisingly, the party had only one member - himself. Failing to get elected to the SRC on the independent ticket, he settled into a life of scholarly activities, bottling up his anger until being dropped into the left-wing world of Sydney University.

“	I think I was about three years below him at the time, and for the years I was at school when he was, all I remember of him were these insane speeches he would make during school assemblies. Sure, he was a good orator, but his speeches always denigrated "the corrupt SRC" and hailed his Independent Students Party (ISP) as the best thing since blowjobs. Actually, when he left school, he made my friend and I President and Vice-President of the ISP, because we would always try to make him rant about the student's council, so he must have thought we were genuinely interested. Anyway, I used to think he was just doing this ISP shit for fun, but as I found out by friends who went to University with him, he was the same. Except now he hated women (probably because they wouldn't have sex with him), and hated left-wingers like me for some reason. He even lobbied to get himself an office in the Conservatorium of Music. Full of unwarranted self importance. So yeah, I'm glad he brought his party to shame, and go to hell you conservative scumbag. I hope you get sentenced to 25 years of assrape in prison.	„
—Former Classmate on Andrew Quah

University

At Sydney University, Andrew became active in the Liberal Allies student political party and was elected to the Student Representative Council. He ran for President of the council in his second year, and was soundly beaten. His time was then spent campaigning for men's rights, against political correctness, and for Voluntary Student Unionism.

With your support for undergraduate representative to the University Senate, it is my pledge to work for the benefit of our student body to raise the important issues, and to provide a clear and confident voice for the student body across the entire university.

I am a fourth year Arts/Music Studies student at the Sydney Conservatorium of Music, and a professional grower, lecturer and author on bonsai. As a student, I divide my time between the Con and the main campus - and at both I see and hear discontent among my classmates, whether it's the rising price of parking for main campus, the utter lack of parking for the Con, the cost of course materials, the time spent travelling to and from uni, or the subject choices available to us in our degrees.

Issues like these faced by most students - and not the concerns of the petty politically-minded activists among us - demand the attention of our University Senate, and so itis my commitment to address these issues, and to speak on the behalf of my fellow undergraduate students across the many campuses of the University of Sydney.

	“	Always nice to see a hypocrite bigot called out	„
	—jb_nc

	“	I remember aaaages ago he was being an annoying twerp and was traynna recruit me to his student union thing at usyd. what a loser.	„
	—flipsyde

	“	he was obnoxious and self-righteous about his political views but it's not like there's a dearth of that on Australian campuses (and most people grow out of it).	„
	—banco55

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His Penis

After over twenty years of abstinence, Andrew was feeling the pain. His bonsai, student politics and musical composition would not suffice. Not even becoming President of the Family First youth division was enough to satiate his desires. He was even a school teacher and politician. Fortunately, though, some tricky trolls from his University who decided they'd had enough of his faggotry posed as fourteen year old girls and extracted nude pix from him. In Australia, exposing yourself to minors is an offense, but the partyvan has not come to reward Andrew with sweet prison rape yet. We can only hope.

	“	ohhh.. all the tiny pianist and bonsai jokes have been made..	„
	—+Po1ntDeXt3r+

	“	He may be a very talented pianist, but certainly isn't a talented penis.	„
	—stazi

	“	What career prospects. He was working as a music teacher. I'm kinda glad that he has no chance of being a music teacher anymore, especially after he sent nekkid photos of himself to girls who, for all he knew, were underage.	„
	—katie_tully

	“	I'll have you all know that this news is all the rage at our uni. Even his previous lecturers at the Con are laughing. I totally got a hundred calls when Quah's bits were on the chaser.	„
	—ur_inner_child

	“	i guess he'd be quite large for singaporeans	„
	—stazi

	“	your penis evokes laughter from the masses.	„
	—katie_tully

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Andrew Quah had secured preselection to run for a seat in some shit neighbourhood in the upcoming Federal election. Unfortunately, his nude pix were leaked during the election season, and national coverage ensued with hilarious puns like, "Meet Family First's Smallest Member". Every Australian now knew Andrew Quah, and his penchant for exposure to children. Goodbye schoolteaching job. Goodbye political career. Hello lifetime of tending bonsai plants. Needless to say he lost the chance to run in the election.

But Who Was Penis?

During a media interview, just after deleting his Facebook, Andrew proceeded to blame everyone but himself. Several stories arose, including shoops and drugs, but in the end, his rambling about fringe conspiracy theories over his political assassination only implicated himself.

	“	I might have been drunk off my face or my political enemies might have drugged me.	„
	—Andrew Quah on Bullshit

	“	But that's not my penis.	„
	—Then who was penis?

	“	Look, maybe somebody photoshopped it, and put another one on the photo...I can tell you, it's not me. I know these things. But really, I can't remember … All I know, I have been humiliated.	„
	—Andrew Quah on ruination

	“	I did, however, do something stupid and juvenile. Over two years ago I drunkenly shared, in confidence, photos of myself in what appears to be an inappropriate position, though I completely deny that the third composite image is me or mine. These pictures were then posted in my name to a series of mailing lists with a highly offensive message.	„
	—Andrew Quah

	“	I don't want to talk about it, but I have a different view to the party because I don't believe that it is possible to block pornography on the internet.	„
	—Andrew Quah on pornography

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Chatlog

An MSN chatlog has emerged framing malicious trolls as the perpetrators of this political assassination.

	“	oh, most definitely not...i’m as ugly as they come	„
	—Andrew Quah... perverted and honest

	“	Anonymous2: R U iGnOrINg ME AnDrEW?!!! Andrew Quah: of course not baby	„
	—Andrew Quah

	“	i’m usually in the seymour centre when i’m at main campus. the practice rooms on level 5 are perfect for fucking. not that i would know.	„
	—Good to know...

	“	i’m a virgin.	„
	—Andrew Quah on trufax

	“	i’m an asian, you know i’m not gonna be the most “well equipped”	„
	—Andrew Quah on being Azn

	“	and if he don’t like it, he can get a penis enlargement	„
	—Andrew Quah on penis size

	“	no way, who knows where the pic would end up!	„
	—Andrew Quah on irony

	“	i’m not completely hard in this one	„
	—The smoking gun

	“	gotta learn to say no to a beautiful woman...before she takes too much from me!	„
	—More than you think...

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LOLsuit

A legal firm that advertises, "We are now open on Saturdays in Parramatta," has tried to have all offensive material removed regarding Andrew's dick from a blog. Regardless, in the true style of a Dramacrat, the author has refused to remove the material, stating that "he deserves it."

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL (OC: Oops)

NOT TO BE PUBLISHED Dear Mr Lander

ANDREW QUAH – DEFAMATORY PUBLICATIONS

We act for Andrew Quah.

We have read the contents published by you and are of the view that the publication is defamatory.

It is defamatory as it contains false suggestions and it carries the innuendoes, such as that our client is gay (OC: totally not the case) and has posted his photographs on websites inviting persons to engage in sexual relationships. Our client denies each of your claims.

Further, your publications are defamatory under the NSW Defamation Act and cognate State and Territory legislation under the Uniform Defamation Acts.

Your false claims are calculated to damage the reputation of our client and for others to think less of him.

Your false claims have caused distress and embarrassment as a result of which he has suffered immensely both emotionally and financially.

If you refuse or neglect to apologise and remove all the material about our client we will seek to tender this letter in any legal proceedings in support of a claim for aggravated damages and indicating malice.

We look forward to your reply. Yours faithfully

LAC LAWYERS PTY LTD

Arul Niles LL.M (Syd)

ET TU, SYDNEY?
Then fall Andrew

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