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Chris Benoit
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Chris Benoit (Toothless "Roid Rage" Wolverine) was a messiah-type wrestler and a spicy slice of Canadian Bacon. All wrestling fans got hard for him the instant his name was mentioned and worshiped him as a God. Although many liken Chris to being an hero for fucking up so many people and being an icon for socially inept nerds who worship Canadians as their superiors, it's really the same thing as paying someone for giving a mean blowjob. He became an hero on June 25th, 2007, leading to much uproar, sadness, and despair as many thousands of smart marks discovered that their God of Wrestling was not only dead, but also a baby killer. Finally, someone raided this facebook. It should be noted that Benoit brings the total of pro wrestlers that died in the year 2007 to around 114.
The man, the myth, the legend
The Early Years
When Chris Benoit (pronounced Ben-WAH like a gay Frenchman) was at the supple young age of ten, he found himself deeply fascinated with watching men smothering their naked bodies against each other for sport. This prompted him to become a wrestler, so he could live out his wildest homosexual fantasies, without being shunned and hated by his family. In 1985 he began his wrestling career, and was soon having simulated sex with big beefy men each and every day -- naturally enjoying every second of it. Although his first match was against "Lovehandles" Lenny Lampshade, from which he was disqualified for getting an erection, and his second match against "Windsailor" Wendell Woody having the same result, none should ever know of his hidden lusts and desires.
Chris shortly became a wrestling legend, sucking and fucking his way to the top, and rumor has it he lost his tooth while being orally jackhammered by Ric Flair and the rest of the members of the Four Horsemen upon being initiated into the extremely popular clique of sociopathic manwhores. Despite this, due to his height and the fact that he was heterosexual looking, Benoit would not win his many championships until he joined the WWF as the WCW discriminated against short gay men who could pass as straight and were under six feet tall.
Signs of a killer
In 1994, during a match on ECW, he wrassled and nearly killed his opponent, Suicidal Sabu, by dropping him on his head and breaking his neck. Although it looks fatal, Sabu is not one that can be killed by breaking his neck. In fact, the next night. Sabu wrestled an old man in a ring that was covered in barbed wires and literally cut himself to near death. Seeing his plan to kill Sabu fail, Benoit went in a maniacal rage that he took out on himself by injecting steroids into his ass and from that point on... He was on a mission to kill everyone that looked at him funny.
Victim #1
In the early part of 1997, Chris Benoit met Nancy Daus, his future wife and murder victim. It is worth nothing that Nancy was previously married to another wrestler who was also a Satanist, but when the script called for her to fake-cheat on her IRL husband with Benoit, she began cheating with him IRL as well. Classy people, to be sure. He then fathered a buttbaby with her named Daniel, who is rumored to have been injected with human growth hormones so that he would never suffer the same discrimination that Chris Benoit had suffered from, due to being under six feet tall.
In February 2000, Chris married Nancy Daus to veil his sinful tendencies after five years of living in sin. Nancy Daus retired from the wrestling world to be a full-time mother, much to the horror of thousands of wrestling fans who would jack off to her whenever she was on camera.
Weapon X
It has come to the attention of most major news outlets that Chris "The Canadian Child Killer" Benoit's son suffered from a rare and terrible disease named "Weapon X". Some say that this may have led to the Goofy Time that resulted in the murders, as Chris Benoit and his wife were struggling to deal with the effects Weapon X had on their son. Weapon X is characterized by such symptoms as an unbreakable skeleton, abnormally large balls, regenerative abilities, being involved in 90% of Marvel comics catalog, and the almost uncontrollable uttering of the word 'bub' and phrase 'I'm the best at what I do, but what I do isn't very nice, bub' (there it is again!).
William Stryker could not be reached for comment.
Matt Striker, however, could be, but nobody cared.
Investigators speculate that Benoit must have read somewhere that he could cure his son's fail with anabolic steroids, and proceeded to inject his son in the ass whenever he juiced it up himself. Still, there has been much debate as to the purpose of the 'roids found at the Benoit home, which undoubtedly were used by at least one of the three deceased parties. However, recent DNA evidence supports the theory that Benoit's son was in fact the one to blame for the incident.
Wrestlefaggotry
On March 14, 2004, at WrestleMania XX, The Retarded Wolverine won the World Heavyweight Championship. He destroyed Shawn "I'll Suck Your Cock" Micheals by telling Shawn that there is no God, and then forced Triple "I'm In Your Ass" H to tap out to his signature submission move, the Crippled-Child Smotherer. He also left bibles by both of their carcasses. This was the first time a roided up wrestler won the Heavyweight championship by a submission, and not a corny power move. To celebrate this emotional victory, years in the making, Benoit brought his beloved wife and autistic child into the ring. He held them so tight security had to be brought in to remove his family from the Retarded Wolverine clutch. Critics would say this was a sign of things to come, but wrestling fans simply stated that Benoit was overcome with the emotion of defeating two of the most feared wrestlers in the WWE and wanted his family to feel his pain.
The Death of Chris Benoit
A month before the homicide, Chris was doing tricks for a couple of drug dealers, to obtain steroids that would make his cock nice and beefy. Not wanting his son to feel left out, and because his son could not pwn John Cena (Worst Wrestler Evar) he injected some of these roids into him so they could 69 each other with ease. Sadly, the drugs didn't take effect fast enough, and Benoit killed his son out of roid rage. He then went to kill his wife, for the lulz.
Chris Benoit became an hero on June 25th, 2007. Basically, if Anna Nicole Smith's death and OJ Simpson's double homicide had a baby, it would produce this. No one really knows how they died, who did it, and it's slowly tearing the world apart. The best explanation for his insane rampage is because he went crazy from the continuous use of 'roids ever since forevar.
The Text Messages
Text Message 1 to two co-workers (sent 6/24 at 3:53am)- Chris Benoit’s cell phone
“Someone's stolen my iPod”
Text Message 2 to two co-workers (sent 6/24 at 3:53am)- Chris Benoit’s cell phone
“How does a Wolverine know what steroids is?”
Text Message 3 to two co-workers (sent 6/24 at 3:54am)- Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
MUDKIP MADE ME DO IT
Text Message 4 to two co-workers (sent 6/24 at 3:55am)- Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
Text Message 5 to two co-workers (sent 6/24 at 3:55am)- Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
Text Message 6 to two co-workers (sent 6/24 at 3:55am)- Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
“Hey, It's Chris, the rabid wolverine. The dogs are locked in the pool area, the garage door is left open. Be sure to close it, the air conditioning will get out if you don't. No one likes a high electricity bill going to waste LOL. by the way, I killed my family and I'm going to hang myself now. ttyl."
Text Message 7 to two co-workers (sent 6/24 at 3:56am)- Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
"I just killed 2 family members, goodbye."
A Dramatic Renactment
Chris "The Rassling Ripper" Benoit, serial killer?
Benoit has shown signs of being a cold blooded murder in a interview with Brett Hoffman on WWE.com concerning his thoughts on the movie See No Evil.[2] According to officials, Nancy was bound at the wrists and feet, with a towel wrapped around her body, and blood was found underneath her head. A Spiderman comic book was also reportedly found near each one of the bodies leading investigators to believe that Benoit was mildly retarded and may have downs syndrome. Police have also confirmed that over nine thousand prescription drugs and steroids were found inside the house, and that Benoit was found hanging in a weight room in his house. Cops say that he used a cord from one of his workout machines as a makeshift noose, while a hood was over his head and his hand superglued to his dick for comic effect.
As of late, it has come to light that the murder of his slut and retarded son were not his first killings. Benoit has been slowly killing his friends and co-workers for a number of years and disguising the crimes to make them seem like it was heart attacks and O.D.'s, etc, this only came to light when an investigation by a Private Dick/Mick Hucknall look-a-like called Dave Shing uncovered a correlation between Benoits matches and the discovery of bodies.
Below is a list of all Benoit's confirmed kills and their age, year of murder and original recorded cause's of death:
- Adrian Adonis (Keith Franke) 34 1988 Accident (car, Benoit was hiding in the back seat and held his hands over Adrian's eyes)
- Andre The Giant (Andre Rousimoff) 46 1993 Disease (heart attack caused by Benoit)
- Art Barr 28 1994 Overdose (roids given to him by Benoit)
- Bam Bam Bigelow (Scott Bigelow) 45 2007 Overdose (roids injected into his ass by Benoit)
- Biff Wellington (Shayne Bower) 42 2007 Heart attack (caused by Benoit threatening to out him)
- Big Bossman (Ray Traylor) 42 2004 Heart attack (caused by Benoit)
- Big Dick Dudley (Alex Rizzo) 34 2002 Disease (Kidney failure, because of too much alcohol poured down his throat by Benoit)
- Billy Joe Travis (William Joseph) 40 2002 Heart attack (not proven as done by Benoit)
- Bobby Duncum Junior 34 2000 Overdose (heroin, into the eyes, by Benoit)
- Brady Boone (Dean Peters) 40 1998 Accident (car, Benoit rammed him off the road)
- Brian Pillman 35 1997 Heart attack (genetic though likely worsened by Benoit beating the shit out of him)
- British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith 39 2002 Heart attack (too many roids, thanks to Benoit)
- Bruiser Brody (Frank Goodish) 42 1988 Murdered (by Benoit, via knife to the face)
- Buzz Sawyer (Bruce Woyan) 32 1992 Overdose (roids again, Benoit put it in his ass)
- Chris Adams 40 2001 Murdered (by Benoit, shotgun to the face and was then ran over by a bus
- Chris Candido 34 2003 Accident (blood clot during surgery after Benoit accident)
- Crash Holly (Michael Lockwood) 33 2003 Overdose (Benoit pissed in his mouth causing him to drown)
- Curt Hennig 44 2003 Overdose (on coke + roids)
- Danny Johnson 49 2003 Unknown (We all know it was Benoit with the candlestick)
- Dick Murdoch 49 1995 Heart attack (Benoit did it)
- Dino Bravo (Adolfo Bresciano) 44 1993 Murdered (by Benoit)
- DJ Peterson (Dave Peterson) 33 1993 Accident (motorcycle, Benoit ran him over with one)
- Earthquake (John Tenta) 42 2006 Disease (Benoit)
- Ed Gantner 31 1990 Suicide
- Eddie Gilbert 33 1995 Heart attack
- Eddie Guerrero 38 2005 Heart attack (drug related)
- Emory Hale 38 2006 Heart attack
- Hawk (Michael Hegstrand) 44 2003 Heart attack (likely drug related)
- Hercules (Ray Fernandez) 44 2003 Heart attack
- Jeep Swenson (Robert Swenson) 40 1997 Heart attack
- Jerry Blackwell 45 1995 Disease (pneumonia)
- Joey Maggs (Jospeh Magliano) 37 2006 Unknown
- John Kronus 38 2007 Awaiting toxicology
- John Studd (John Minton) 46 1995 Disease (Hodgkins)
- Johnny Grunge (Mike Durham) 39 2006 Disease (sleep apnea, possibly worsened by drug use)
- Junk Yard Dog (Sylvester Ritter) 45 1998 Accident (car)
- Kerry Von Erich (Kerry Adkisson) 33 1993 Suicide
- Larry Cameron 41 1993 Heart attack
- Leroy Brown (Roland Daniels) 37 1994 Heart attack
- Louie Spicolli (Louis Mucciolo) 27 1998 Overdose
- Mike Awesome (Mike Alphonso) 42 2007 Suicide
- Mike Davis 45 2001 Heart attack
- Mike Lozanski 35 2003 Heart attack
- Mitch Snow ? 2000 Suicide
- Owen Hart 34 1999 Accident (ring entrance)
- Pitbull 2 (Anthony Durante) 36 2003 Overdose
- Ray Candy 37 1994 Heart attack
- Renegade (Richard Wilson) 33 1999 Suicide
- Ravishing Rick Rude 40 1999 Heart attack (drug related)
- Rhonda Singh (Peggy Simpson) 40 2001 Overdose
- Rocco Rock (Ted Petty) 49 2002 Heart attack
- Scott Irwin 35 1987 Disease (Brain tumor)
- Sherri Martel 49 2007 Unknown
- Terry Gordy 40 2001 Heart attack
- The Wall (Jerry Tuite) 35 2003 Heart attack
- Troy Graham 47 2002 Heart attack
- Vivian Vachon 40 1991 Accident (car)
- Yokozuna (Rodney Anoia) 34 2000 Heart attack (genetic)
WWE's butthurt reaction
In the aftermath of Chris Benoit getting all juiced up and pwning his family, the WWE canceled their 3 hour Monday Night Raw in Corpus Christi, Texas. This episode was to feature people commenting on the fake death of Vince McMahon, but Vince pussied out because it would be "in bad taste." As a result over nine thousand wrestling fans weren't able to watch their favorite performers in action and simulate fellatio on one another. As of this time the WWE is not sure if they will refund the money or offer free tickets to all those who spent their hard earned money to watch the show.
BAAWWWWWWW
After their 3-hour show of crying into their hugbox and saying how Chris is in heaven now ('cuz homicidal/suicidal maniacs get 1st-class seats in heaven, amirite?) immediately started to plan how they could exploit his death for moar monies. However it was during this scammin' that they actually realized what Benoit had done. WWE immediately gave up caring about Benoit and proceeded to delete fucking everything related to Chris Benoit on the website except for the headlines, which were now generating lulz instead of tears.
When WWE saw the police press conference they were quick to whine and bitch that Benoit's fun-spree was not the result of 'roid rage with a list of carefully explained criticisms of the press release from the Atlanta Police [3], like a fanboy who reads a bad magazine review of a game and then cries to the whole world how they know nothing about games, despite being professionals of their job and him being a 13 year-old fag. It is most likely this is Vince's way of making people avoid investigating the drugs in case they find out that he was the one who gave Benoit the steroids, syringe, electrical tape, bibles, towel and noose, all for the lulz.
Why the WWE is fucked
Did you know:
- For years, the WWE's business model has depended on family-friendly entertainment? What parents will take their kids to see such positive role models now, after one of them killed a 7 year old?
- The WWE has always favored wrestlers with size over ones with actual skill, increasing the pressure to take steroids?
- Vince McMahon has already admitted to using steroids in the past, and within the past year added pounds of muscle mass seemingly overnight, despite the fact that he is in his 60s?
Ruh-roh!!
On August 30, afraid of further federal investigation, the WWE announced that it was giving half of its on-screen talent the banhammer for violations of its wellness policy. They also disclosed that many of their more popular wrestlers had been taking drugs to prevent them from getting manboobs that coincide with heavy steroid use. It is likely that this massive and lulzy display of self-pwnage will be insufficient to stay the WWE's fate.
ITS A CONSPIRACY
TOW Accomplice to Murder
According to Faux News, some retard posted about the wife's death on Wikipedia 18 hours before the cops actually found the bodies. The IP address that the edit was made from traces back to Stamford, Connecticut, which is where WWE headquarters just happens to be located. That's some fuckin' coincidence, amirite?
It is interesting to note that a WP editor tried to discuss Benoit's death, on the talk page for Benoit's TOW article, but some cocksucking faggot asshole said it wasn't relevant to the article (lol, wut?) and baleeted the whole discussion.
Since even a wikipedo like Moe can't be that fucking stupid, we're only left to conclude that Wikipedia is an accomplice to the murder and was trying to cover the whole thing up. It all makes sense. TOW DID CHRIS BENOIT'S WIFE AND SON, AMIRITE? Read moar for great justice.
Moar evidence
In December 2007, WWE.com challenged fans to vote for the greatest RAW match of all time. The "official" winner was Shawn Michaels vs John Cena in an hour long match, but the ACTUAL winner according to votes was this WWF match from June 2001 with Chris Benoit.
This is further proof that:
- WWE did Benoit
- The World Wildlife Fund's initials still draw more attention than the present product
and
- Fans would rather honor a talented child murderer than a homosexual
What really happened
June 26, 2007. The Benoit family were going about their lives. Little did they know that the Zionist scourge was using the very fabric of their existence in an effort to pursue power in their next political take-over. 300,000 Jews who lived in Benoit's neighborhood were absent at the time of the murder. Coincidence?
It has long been speculated that Benoit was an accomplice in the Jew's attack on WTC. Experts agree that the Jews killed Chris to cover up his whereabouts on the morning of September 11, 2001:
Tragedy happened, now give us your money
The family of the bitch/wife/whore that got killed are (surprise!) wanting your monies! But they don't want no shitty gifts or condolences, they want large tax dollar donations of at least over 9000 to be made to their foundation. It's totally for kids and bitches who got raped and beaten but not killed, and they totally won't use it to buy themselves steroids, hookers and blow or the next WWE Pay Per View. It's called The Nancy and Daniel Benoit Foundation for Battered Women and Abused Children, which is TL;DR. Anyway, send any shit you can spare to:
The Nancy and Daniel Benoit Foundation for Battered Women and Abused Children
c/o Decker, Hallman, Barber and Briggs
260 Peachtree St. Suite 1700
Atlanta, GA 30303
Benoit, meet the internets
Pwning Wrestlecrap
As most people familiar with the wrestling fan website wrestlecrap know, talking shit about any dead wrestler (regardless if they pwned their wife and kid) on their forums is considered Anti-lulz and grounds for you being banned in the ass! Almost every other wrestling forum on the internets will do the same to you as well and you will be banned for at least 100 years. According to wrestling fans, pwning your wife and child is forgivable if you were really good at making an amiable career of suplexing some other half-naked rednecks really hard on a regular basis.
Trolling Benoit Fans on MySpace for Fun and Profit
Tragic death, MySpace, and wrestling fanbois make for the perfect storm of lulz. Needless to say, much butthurt and poor comprehension of the English language ensues. PROTIP: don't make your photobucket password the same as your account name. Otherwise you gonna get raeped by the Internet Hate Machine.
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![benoitsmidget: epic fangirl currently grieving over a child killer. [1]](/images/thumb/b/be/Benoitsmidget.jpg/120px-Benoitsmidget.jpg)
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Benoit's midget being trolled -
There you have it, it's inappropriate to make fun of a child-killer if he entertained people as a steroid-addicted wrestler. -
ARE YOU READY TO UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY?
![benoitsmidget: epic fangirl currently grieving over a child killer. [1]](/File:Benoitsmidget.jpg)
Just remember what you're doing when you fuck with Benoit apologists, or you may end up being the one getting trolled. The excuses, demands he still posthumously be put in the WWE Hall Of Fame (that would be a BRILLIANT idea and have no backlash whatsoever... wait, one of their pay per views is Backlash.... I smell an angle!) and etc will legitimately piss you off. That is, of course, unless you're reading this article, in which case you're too far gone to really get upset about anything.
Trivia
- Chris Benoit loved his fans, but hated his wife and son to death.
- Benoit is french for "i'm gonna strangle you"
- Chris is stranglin' the angels now. We'll miss you Chris.
- Chris killed his son using the patented Crippler Crossface!
The Fresh Chris of Hell Queer
Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute to talk off-stage
And tell you how I became the victim of a thing called roid-rage.
In the pro wrestling industry, born and raised,
Choking other men is how I spent most of my days.
Headbuttin', cross-facin', as a technical king,
All while shootin' some steroids outside of the ring.
When I got an iPhone, I was up to no good.
Skipped a match and flew back to my neighborhood.
I took one too many roids, my wife gasped for breath,
I said "Stop moving your little ass while I choke you to death!"
I whistled for my son and when he came near,
He still had "Fragile-X" and the physique of a queer.
If anything I could say that this kid was rare,
But I thought "Nah, forget it" and deprived him of air!
I went down to the gym around 7 or 8,
And I yelled to myself "Yo Chris, smell ya latah!"
Hung myself to death, at a very young age,
Now I'm burning in hell, all because of roid-rage.
Video
Benoit Family Photos
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He loved skydiving, but was not very good at it -
Chris with wife, trying to talk things out with her. -
An Heroes Celebrating -
Chris Benoit performing the patented Crippler Christface
-
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His ghost will forever haunt the children -
BENOITS AWAY! -
Chris Benoit has a bad day. -
-
-
Chris, always enterprising, got a new job immediately. -
needs MOAR =) -
-
Benoit is always ready to kill. -
A man of many secrets -
The coroner inexplicably preserved Benoit's balls. -
Chris about to strike! -
Massacre over iPhone dispute -
-
Christ didn't see it Coming -
Chris Benoit was seconded for Jack Nicholson in the Shining. -
-
The time daddy challenged us to a 2-on-1. -
-
-
If he weren't an hero he'd have a new career -
Pedobears, Dog Semen, and your 7 Year Old Son. A winning combination. -
One of the last known pictues of Chris before he became AN HERO. -
Chris Benoit showcasing his trademarked "Sleeper Hold". -
The Canadian Crippler showing off his move the "Child Crippler". -
Helping out his fellow man. -
Rumors spread over CBS making a series about Chris Benoit. -
An hero in action! -
Steroids just kicked in yo! -
The WWE admits what we are all thinking! -
Contrary to popular belief Chris Benoit did the dinosaurs not Jews. -
-
No exceptions. -
In happier times, with a photo of his parents. -
IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZERS -
Choking Hazard indeed. -
-
A recent photo of Benoit and his BFF Eddie Guererro. -
Eddie's Brother, Chavo, the last person Chris called -
a tribute to Chris; our an hero -
Chris Zero Benoit showing us who wore the trousers in the family. -
Artist's rendition of Chris roiding out. True story. -
Benoit, on the set of his new film. -
Come to Daddy (so I can strangle you). -
-
Wanna hang out? -
Fun for the whole family! -
Chris Benoit became a conductor after wrestling. -
Chris Benoit the movie! -
See Also
External Links
- The Life & Death of Chris Benoit
- The truth about Benoit's balls
- Hris Benpit Tribute Website
- DANIEL BENOIT IS ALIVE! HELP US SAVE THIS KID!
- Some very disturbed fans youtube tribute page
| Featured article June 26, 2007 | ||
| Preceded by Synnergy |
Chris Benoit | Succeeded by Dustin Diamond |
 Chris Benoit is part of a series on the ED Special Olympics |
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