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Rax Grissman
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Rax Grissman, is a meme and unofficial mascot of 4chan's /sp/. Rax originated from one of /sp/'s cancerous Nod Flenders threads, but was made of win, and went on to become the subject of many epic threads and copypastas. Grissman is known for his many appetites, murderous rage, epic failure in the playoffs, and his tendancy to GO DEEEEEP.
Delicious Copypasta
Rax goes deep
One time in high school football Rax had to throw a slant pattern. "I don't want to throw a fucking slant coach, I fucking go deep!" said Rax. "Run the damn play Rax" the coach responds. Pissed, Rax ran the play. He ended up throwing the slant ball so hard and so fast that he threw a hole right into the wide receiver killing him instantly.
He had sex 57 times with 30 different women that night.
A man confident in his abilities
Rax made a prediction in the Chicago Times that he'd throw for over six thousand yards this year. When pressed further about the nature of his boast Rax clarified that he counted the yards whether his throws were caught or not
Anything for a fan
It was a typical Thursday morning at the Roadside Ramada Motel in Scottsdale Arizona. However, that morning, the Ramada had had a not so typical visitor. In town training for the NFL preseason were the Chicago Boars, and their star quarterback Rax Grissman had payed 4 call girls and spot midget a much needed visit the night before.
Usually, Rax doesnt hang around places like this through the morning. He had already had too many incidents with dead hookers to know that it's better to GTFO the night before, just in case. However, that night Rax was so high on roofies and cough syrup to notice that he managed to stay the whole night.
On the way down from his room, he took the elevator, where he ran into a man and a young boy, presumably his son. Rax thought he would take the opportunity to make the kid's day, and maybe give him and his dad an autograph or two.
He said to the boy, "Hey kid, would you like an autograph or football or something? Its not everyday that you get to meet someone as awesome as me!"
The boy looked up at Rax with a blank expression on his face, but did not say anything.
Rax was kind of put off. He snarked at the boy , "Hey, dont you even know who I am? Dont you even know the greatest motherfucking quarterback in the history of the world when you see him?"
The kid merely stared back at him silent and confused.
Rax was not happy. The boy turned to his dad with a troubled look and the man said, "Oh, sir you dont understand, you see-"
Rax cut him off, "Oh no, I see. Your kids a smart ass huh? Now kid Im only gonna ask you one more time, whos the greatest motherfucking quarterback, huh?"
Again the boy was silent.
"Now hold on now, kid. Do you even know you your talking to?
"No but sir, you dont see," said the man, "Please let me expla-"
Grissman cut him off. "No. Answer me now bitch! Who is the greatest motherfucking quarterback ever?! Well?!?!"
The boy merely stood quivering, with his mouth open, staring back helplessly at the giant steroid-fueled mass of Grissman.
"Wrong answer bitch!!" yelled Rax as he crushed the kids skull against the elevator wall.
The man cried out in agony, "Oh my son, why did you kill my poor son?"
Rax gave him a stern look and snapped back, "That bitch needed to learn a lesson in manners. When someone speaks to Rax Grissman you better answer, or you face the fucking fury! I dont fuck around, I go deep!"
The man cried. "But, you fool he was a mute, thats what I was trying to tell you."
"Mute?" Grissman said, "Hey why do you even care anyway, thats like being retarded or something, I just did you a favor, faggot. "
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. Grissman left the man cradling the bloody stump of a son lying on the floor.
That morning, Rax treated himself to the Double Bacon Slam at Denny's for taking the time to make the world a better place.
The NFC Championship
It was 4th and goal on the one inch line with just seconds left in the NFC championship game. The Boars needed a touchdown to win so the coach called for a pitch to the running back for the game winner. Rax yelled, "You know who I am? Im motherfucking Rax Grissman. You give me the fucking ball, faggot. This is my game." Then in retaliation Rax broke both of the running back's knees, and knocked the backup unconscious. Coach had no choice and called far a fade route to the corner of the end zone, which Rax overthrew by a good 20 feet. The Boars had lost the game that day, but inside, Rax knew he was a winner.
Let this be a lesson to all of you
During a recent taping of the popular Sportscenter series “My Wish” a nine year-old Chicago cancer survivor named Tim, died of apparent internal bleeding while visiting his hometown football team’s workout facility.
Team doctors who attempted to resuscitate the young boy were hindered in their attempts at CPR due to rib and sternum fractures that apparently occurred while Tim was at the complex.
It has been confirmed that quarterback, Rax Grissman, has been taken in for questioning after numerous cheerleaders informed Chicago investigators that Mr. Grissman boasted of “giving that faggot the chance to catch the hellfire missiles of the RG-10 fighter jet, and I hope he tells god that he’s next.”
Words of wisdom
Rax and the late QB coach Pep Hamilton were in a heated fight over Rax's throwing mechanics. Pep thought that Rax's tendency to close his eyes during the forward motion of his arm hurt Rax's accuracy, while Rax did not see why it was important to be accurate when throwing the ball. According to stories Rax got his point across by throwing a football at his QB coach, killing him instantly. He then remarked "It doesn't matter if you have your eyes open IF YOU'RE DEAD."
Its AWWRIGHT
Rax Grissman was in the Super Bowl one day and he was feeling in the zone. He saw a guy open on the check down route, but instead he saw a double covered guy 90 yards down field and he threw the ball there only to see it get intercepted. As he walked off the field he saw a cheerleader peeing everywhere looking at him, and he knew things would be just fine.
Man up, faggot
Rax Grissman doesn't give a shit. Some faggot kid wanted an autograph to give to his cancerous father for his birthday but Rax told the kid to fuck off. When confronted by a bystander Rax Grissman launched a frozen rope into the pussy's abdomen. "This is FOOTBALL, not Oprah. The Boars don't pay me to stroke egos."
72 Virgins
Rax Grissman was in the Super Bowl, thirty seconds left, undefeated season on the line. There was a man open 95 yards away. It was then he realized that Dan Uggla had joined the NFL and the Chicago Bears as their new wide reciever.
With men all over him, he screamed, "FUCK IT, I'M GOING DEEEEP!" He threw a bomb into the endzone, only having it dropped by Uggla. The Bears lose the Super Bowl 17-14 to the 10-6 Colts and Rax thought everything was fine.
He was later transported to heaven by God for his actions, thus having sex with a thousand virgins.
Olympic Dreams
Hey faggots.
It seems that during these little diplomatic circle jerk games, you have almost forgotten about me, Rax Grissman. I have a brilliant idea concerning these said games. I propose we make football an Olympic event, with myself representing USA. Now you may be thinking...
"Holy shit Rax, what a great fuckin idea! But who else should be on the US team?"
Well there need be no other players. I shall singlehandedly play all other nations of the world, and go deep to myself on every play. While those faggot field fairies from Russia bomb the state of Georgia, I'll be out scoring touchdowns by myself. Team USA will have never looked better, and you have me, Saxy Raxy as your hero. That Michael Phelps faggot can go suck a dick and lick a hooker's asshole. I'll also split that Shawn Johnson bitch between every play, I'll tear that bitch apart. It's ok /sp/, you don't have to hail me for this brilliant idea.
Now, I'll go submit this idea to the little board of directors shit they got going on there. I'm gonna go shower myself in hookers and blow for tonight though. Later faggots.
In the beginning...
In the beginning, there was nothing. And in this void of nothingness the Gods and makers of the future universe were contemplating how to relax their minds so they could plan out all of time and existence.
The lesser known God of sport, Rax Grissman suggested a game of his own making to pass the time. Odin, Rax's coach for the very first game of football, suggested on third and one to run a simple slant pass to Ares. Rax complained of course, telling Odin his obvious desire to throw the ball down the void of nothingness. Odin replied, "Run the damn play Rax."
Rax, disdained, walked out to the huddle and called the play. However, after receiving the ball he had an epiphany, screaming 'FUCK IT I'M GOING DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!' He through a pass so hard that it destroyed Zeus's body, and the resulting release of immortal energies created the universe as we know it today.
Odin looked to Rax and said, "Do you know what you have done? It is too soon! Now the universe as we know it has changed!"
Rax grinned to himself and replied, "No, NOW we are playing some fucking football!"
tl;dr Rax caused the big bang
Party Hard
What is this, like a kiddie birthday party? With cake and punch and all that shit? That’s cute. You guys gonna play Pin The Tail On Donkey? Sounds like fun.
Your party is fucking gay.
When I had my birthday, we rented out a warehouse in downtown Chicago. Then we filled it knee high with baby oil and flew in nothing but Penthouse Pets. Did I shoot frozen ropes of Rexjelly all night long? I did indeed. I taught all of those girls and that zebra what a good, hard boning is. I like to fuck. It feels good. We had a raw bar and Queens of The Stone Age played. I don’t see any of that here. It’s not even a real party. You’re just fucking nerds online. I bet your “party” consisted of you heading to the shitter to jerk off. Sounds like a blast. Are you wearing tuxes to work today?
Faggots.
Someone go deep. I wanna give my armcock a workout.
Rax has had enough of your shit
Rax fucking Grissman 10/13/08(Mon)19:45 No.402585<sp>
<sp> You fuckers are all wrong...You cocksuckers have obviously never seen me unleash the fucking dragon and throw for 600 yards a game. I remember in the Super Bowl, I hit Berrian with a 95-yard bomb that he was just too fucking slow to keep up with. Tell me that wasn't the fucking manliest thing you've ever seen. I'm Rax Grissman, fuckers: I invented offense. I am God's chosen quarterback. Anyone ITT who doesn't mention me [as one of the greatest QBs ever] is just deluded.
Rax sets the record straight
Hey faggots,
Ive been hearing a lot lately about this Orton kid, and it's time to set the record straight.
Ive seen the boner you fags get when you talk about how he's thrown over 70 yards ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS. Pathetic. If your going to suck off some fag cause he goes 70 yards, then you're going to have a lot of cocks in your mouth. Dont you remember who UNLEASHES THE DRAGON? Thats 95+ yards at least, fuckers. Hell, Id throw it further, but my receivers can't even catch up to me as it is. Compared to me, Orton couldn't unleash a chihuahua.
So you may be thinking, "Gee, then Rax how come he's starting all your games?" Dont worry faggots, it's all according to plan. My schedule is far too busy for football right now, with all of the court appearances and paternity tests and whatnot. Orton is just there until we make the playoffs. You really think he would get the start over the greatest quarterback in the history of the game? Fuck no. When the postseason rolls around you'll see. You may have your doubts, but when I hit Hester with that 125 yard bomb to win Super Bowl LXIII it will all make sense.
Later fags.
Rax on the 2008 Election
"This week, it's a big week for me," Grissman said Friday. "I was making sure that I've solidified everything. I nailed 297 women this week in preparation for the game. Obama didn't win on November 4th because America wants change- I was unleashing the motherfucking dragon on every McCain voter I saw that day. A few days ago I made a pass that landed in Haiti, destroyed a school, and killed a bunch of little children. That's the Rax you're going to see when we play the Totons Sunday."
New Developements
Soon enough, the Boars got tired of Rax's many skills and released them from their roster to add the new QB Jay Cutler. /sp/ watched in anguish as their savior was forced to sit around and wait for someone to sign him. However, none came, and Rax started to worry. Some said that Rax's career in the NFL was over, but that proved to be a lie. Finally, in June, the Houston Texans called up Rax to be their new god. Rax agreed. Now, everything is deeper in Rexas. In '010, Grissman joined the Redskins. Single handedly, Rax Grissman beat Donovan Mcfagg, and won the starting job by fucking 45 fat bitches in a row. He didn't give a fuck though, cause he was Rax Grissman and Rax Grissman always goes (balls) DEEP. Shanahan gave Rax a playbook one day, and Rax looked at it, he say the word, "Hand Off," Rax looked in his faggot of a coaches eyes, with tears streaming down his face, and said, "Coach, I can't read, but I can do one thing, and THATS TO GO DEEP YOU FUCKING CREAMPUFF ASS BITCH NIGGER ANUS GREMLIN PIECE OF FAGGOTRY." Before you knew it, Rax was the won the starting job. In 2011, he had the best season he ever fucking had, 16 TDs and 20 INTs. From there on, Rax knew that his glory days were behind him, and his Cannon of an arm was no longer fertile, but was shooting blanks.
See Also
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