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Pokémon
Pokémon is a horrific multimedia franchise where children control a collection of horribly mutated creatures from the underworld. It was created at least 100 years ago in the magical land of Japan, by Satoshi Tajiri and his buttbuddies at Game Freak. The cancerous train wreck began its way across Japan in 1996, hitting the rest of the world shortly afterward. It is enjoyed by children, manchildren, housewives, Yakuza, and diseased cripples worldwide.
What?
Contrary to common belief among those who have sex and go outside, Pokémon is far more than a TV show based on a cute game 9-year-olds play on their Gaymeboys. Pokémon can best be described as the cultural equivalent of a cancerous tumor, with a multitude of grasping tenticles slithering their way into every form of entertainment known to mankind. If you can think of it, Pokémon has already had 500 official licensed versions of it. These include, but are certainly are not limited to, video games, spinoff games, mobile games, cartoons, live-action TV shows, movies, magazines, comics, children's books, "adult" books, adult books, trading cards (see below), plush toys, figurines, board games, cameras, pedometers, food, clothing, jewelry, furniture, cookware, towels, Legos, Monopoly (not Nintendo's monopolization of the world's assburgers supply, the actual fucking board game Monopoly had a Pokémon spinoff. Seriously.) and many, many more.
Fandom
Being so broad and cancerous, chances are even you played a Pokémon game or watched the anime as a kid while daddy was busy beating the shit out of mommy. And while you might have grown out of it around the same time your balls began to drop, some were not so lucky. Many manchildren continue clinging to the franchise well into their 20s and 30s, and are the prime consuming demographic of all the shit listed above. These unfortunate souls are known as Pokéfags, and they continue to plague the world with their existence and faggotry.
Although not as immediately repugnant as those who paint their housepets blue or fantasize about having sex with horses, the dedicated "adult" Pokémon fandom is still notable for being a shining beacon of furfaggotry, pedophilia and general fail for basement-dwelling permavirgins everywhere. Pokémon is so large and intrusive that its influence is virtually impossible to escape from; its faggotry overlaps with every other gatherings of overweight manchildren both OL and IRL. What's worse, said man-babies insist upon mishmashing it with all the other infantile hobbies and interests (even especially porn) they cling to in a desperate attempt to avoid growing up, thus ensuring that wherever you are on the Internet, you are only but a few clicks away from seeing the stretched-out asshole of a purple woodland creature.
Things got so bad that their faggotry clogged up v and forced moot to open a specialized daycare just for their sick fetish threads.
Whenever they are not busy masturbating to their favorite underage Pokégirl being assraped by a 3-cocked pastel-colored dragon monstrosity, Pokéfags can be found online, discussing completely asinine topics such as the exact height and weight of a fictional animal. Do note that few of them actually bother playing the games, which are now universally derided for being crappy and pandering to children. The fact that the franchise has always been geared towards children rather than balding 30-something "hardcore" fans continues to elude them.
Never forget: Pokéfags are pedophiles, furries, or both.
The critters
The central aspect of the franchise are the titular Pokémon — poorly drawn anime-esque creatures which serve as crude parodies of actual animals. The player is instructed to "catch 'em all!" like venereal diseases at a whorehouse, and then force them to battle each other in glorified cockfights. Originally there were 151 in total, which even most normal people have some passing familiarity with. Subsequent games gradually increased that number, to the point where there are now over 900 abominations to collect. The Pokémon fandom's predisposition towards autism is thus easily explained by the fact that being able to actually remember all hundreds of them is either a sign of mental abnormality or literal insanity.
All Pokémon fall into one of five categories:
- Retextured drawing of a real-world creature.
- Furrybait.
- Inanimate object given anime eyes.
- Nonsensical heap of shapes and colors.
- Dragon designed by an 8-year-old on coke.
Notably, in a grotesque display of vulgar blasphemy by Pokémon's azn developers, several Pokémon are described as literal gods of the world they inhabit. The theological remifications of this, along with questions of Pokémon sentience, their exact relation to humans, the presence of real-world animals and the morality of pitching them against each other in brutal fights to the death remain unaddressed by Game Freak. Rest assured, though, that all of these are hotly contested issues in the Pokémon fandom.
As the number of Pokémon increased, so did the creative bankruptcy of the artists. As each new game release requires the addition of a few dozen more of the fuckers, Game Freak have grown visibly desperate in trying to come up with new ideas. New Pokémon designs have paradoxically grown both lazy and overly elaborate, with many ideas being recycled from older Generations for good measure. Unsurprisingly, virtually no Pokémon introduced after Generation III has had any sort of recognition outside the dedicated fandom.
Noteworthy Pokémon
A very partial list of "noteworthy" Pokémon includes:
- Pikachu - The infamous yellow rat whose marketable face is plastered all over the franchise.
- Charizard - Everyone's childhood favorite (unless you're lame).
- Metapod - Vaguely penis-shaped Pokémon whose only move is Harden.
- Cloyster - A Pokémon literally shaped like the female reproductive organ.
- Pidgey - The shiny variation is known to cause break-ups.
- Hypno - The brainwashing-Jew Pokémon.
- Mr. Mime - An unnervingly human-like clown creature known to give children nightmares.
- Jinx - Literal nigger whose canon skincolor has been the source of much butthurt.
- Magikarp - It's a fish out of water, and is about as useful as in reality.
- Ditto - A shapeshifter with limitless pornographic potential.
- Eevee - Cartoon fox notable for being able to evolve into almost every type.
- Snorlax - If your mom were a Pokémon.
- Lucario - Furrybait built like a teenage boy on estrogen.
- Mewtwo - Epic and mysterious, this creature is to Lucario what precum is to cum.
- Miltank - A milk-spewing cow. The rest is left to the reader's depraved imagination.
- Lugia - Perhaps one of the most inexplicable targets for furfaggotry in the franchise.
- Mudkip - So i herd u liek mudkip?
- Gardevoir - Many lonely nights have been spent by pathetic virgins fapping to this.
- Nosepass - A Pokémon so ugly, not even the most dedicated Pokéfan managed to fap to it (not for the lack of trying).
- Aggron - Best Pokémon, bar none.
- Latias - This weird airplane-shaped monstrosity turns into a human girl in the manga. Naturally, people now masturbate to the original form.
- Lopunny - A creature scientifically engineered to turn innocent children into furries. Lola Bunny, basically.
- Garchomp - Infamously overpowered, and accordingly overused.
- Arceus - God. Literally.
- Genesect - They literally shaped a Pokémon after a car's headlights.
- Braixen - A fox lady; one of the most blatant examples of furry-baiting to have come from Game Freak.
- Zoroark - What if Braixen, but emo?
- Salazzle - The furbaiting stops being subtle. A "sexy" lizard that enchants its opponents using pheromones.
- Sinistea - It's a motherfucking teacup.
- Slowpoke - Wait, what's a Pokémon?
- Kirby - It's a Kirby, retard.
For even more retarded fantasy creatures, check out the ED Pokédex. Or better yet, don't.
The games
Despite all the hype surrounding them, Pokémon games are known to be boring, slow and irredeemably formulaic. The player walks around the overworld (called a region by pedantic faggots), sifting through tall grass in the hopes of being assaulted by a wild Pokémon, giving the player a chance to trap the poor animal in a little plastic cage called a Poké Ball. Occasionally they come across another person (usually much older than the player character, but occasionally even fucking toddlers) who figured out how to capture wildlife for shits and giggles, and a turn-based Pokémon battle commences.
Despite existing for over a quarter of a century, this basic overview never changes. In every game the player's basic goal is to catch Pokémon, collect eight Gym Badges, defeat an evil team, and finally beat the Elite Four and Champion of the region. To compensate for their blandness, most games will also contain some pointless gimmick such as diving underwater, farming, Pokémon Contests, massive cockfighting complexes and of course more goddamn Pokémon to catch.
Each Pokémon is categorized into a special Type, such as Fire, Water, Grass, Electric, Dark and Psychic. Each Type has a disadvantage or advantage over another, although every dumbass kid just uses Dragon-types, which ruins the entire sense of balance.
As for actual game strategy, it's pretty simple:
- Grind your Pokémon to a really high level
- Initiate battle
- Mash the A button
And that's it. No really, I'm not joshin' you, that's all you have to do. After a certain point, Type advantages don't even matter because you can just one-hit everything. If you relish in repetitive bullshit, then Pokémon is the series for you.
Each series of games is collectively divided into "Generations," a term that is never used by Game Freak themselves but nobody cares. To date, our planet has been cursed with nine Generations of Pokémon. Pokéfags refer to this as the "core" series. Since its genesis, Pokémon has always released not one but two versions at a time. This is solely for Game Freak to suck out more cash from what should have been just one game. Both versions contain only pointless differences that make little to no real impact on gameplay, but thanks to Game Freak's marketing propaganda they've managed to bullshit consumers into believing the difference between both versions is akin to night and day.
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Gen I |
• | Gen II |
• | Gen III |
• | Gen IV |
• | Gen V |
• | Gen VI |
• | Gen VII |
• | Gen VIII |
• | Gen IX |
• | Spinoffs |
Pokémon types
Pokémon each have their own types and abilities. This sections lists all the single types. Pokémans can have two types; if you want serious information in finding out what's weak to what then look here, work it out for yourself and fuck off. The following were introduced in Generation I.
- Normal: The basic non-elemental type for all Pokémon too generic and/or boring for Game Freak to bother with placing into a better category. Normal-types hold no advantage over any other types and can get knuckled over by Fighting attacks and can't damage Ghost-types unless you negate its Ghost typing or use literally any other type attack. Most Normal-types don't sit well with being just a Normal-type so are able to wield other typed attacks such as Electric, Water, or Fire in an attempt to make up for their lack of any real use.
- Fire: If you have a favorite Pokémon, chances are it is a Fire-type. Despite the fact a Fire-type can get knuckled over by Water, Rock and Ground Pokémon, they are loved by all and feared by many. Fire-types generally dish out ridiculous amounts of Special Attack damage and generally have high HP and Speed, thus are even able to be competitive against their weaknesses in case you didn't see that coming.
- Water: The type with the highest number of Pokémon in the games, with at least 15 being introduced each Generation. Water-types are based off of marine creatures and sealife. Water-types are for JRPG fans who enjoyed sitting around fishing for pixels all day rather than going out and exploring the actual game. You only really use one so it can be a HM Slave for your Water-typed HM moves or for clearing caves full of Geodudes. Water-types are effective against Rock, Ground and Fire-types. Pretty much any Water-type that can learn TMs can try to be a failed Ice-type by learning at least one Ice TM move, the usual one being Ice Beam.
- Grass: If it's not an animal with plants growing out of it or an animal with shades of green on it, it's a plant with legs. Highly flammable, susceptible to Bugs eating it, easily poisoned, birds can almost literally shit on it, easily frozen by Ice, and not to mention generally fucking weak, you should only really choose the Grass-type as your starter because everyone knows that Rock, Ground and Water types bow down to their seemingly infinite tentacles all in the shape of cocks used to dominate, rape and use them as hosts for their offspring. Oh, and Smugleaf.
- Electric: The only real reason you'd want an Electric-type is because most Electric attacks can cause paralysis one way or another. The type itself is effective against both Water and Flying-types so could easily dispatch of those fucking Zubats and Tentacools that seem to appear in the thousands. An Electric-type's only weakness is the Ground-type, which can be temporarily nullified with Magnet Rise. Electric Pokémans weren't based on irl creatures that could actually shoot electricity at shit until the invention of Eelektross. Some argue that Lanturn was based on an irl creature but Anglerfish don't shoot electricity, they emit light from their antenna.
- As of Generation VI, Electric-type Pokémon can no longer be paralyzed, which, when coupled with their already high Speed, make them somewhat useful.
- Ice: Ice-types normally come dual-typed, with the other type normally being Water. They became increasingly unoriginal with each inbred Generation, until all Nintendo could come up with were several scoops of ice cream and a snowflake with eyes and facial hair. Ice-types are generally shit and are weak to almost everything, so you only catch and train an Ice-type in order to defeat the mandatory Dragon-type trainer of that game, only to find that their Pokémon know Fighting and/or Fire moves that can easily fuck it over.
- Ground: Often accompanied with Rock typing, Ground is a shitty mix of Rock and Normal, which means it performs poorly at being either of them. It is the only thing Electric-types are weak to, but anything that shoots out a lightning bolt from its bell-end is piss-weak anyway.
- Fighting: Fighting-types have muscles where their brains should be and sport a nigger cock. They have lots of physical strength, but are easily mindfucked by Psychics and Fairies and birds for some reason. They can beat up on Normal, Dark, Rock, Steel and Ice Pokémon.
- Psychic: Known as the Esper-type in the Japanese version, Psychic-types have powerful Special Attack and Special Defense, but low physical Defense and Health; basically every "mage" character in any RPG in existence. Psychic-types are shit-scared of Ghosts, Dark-types and Bugs for some reason. Went from easily the best type in Generation I to one of the worst types in the most recent core games.
- Flying: Various winged creatures, lots of them based on birds, that fly. Unless they're Gyarados. They are almost all dual-typed and usually have low health despite being fast and sporting some rather nice physical strength. They are only really useful when fully evolved or to Fly around once you get that HM. Rock-types can crush them to pieces, Ice-types can serve them frozen and Electric-types can serve them fried. Only one Pokémon is a pure Flying-type without hax, and it's a fucking genie.
- Rock: Rock-types have shitloads of HP and high Defense, but next to no Special Defense and are normally slow as hell. These are what you spend most of your early gameplay struggling against if you pick the Fire starter, and almost never use in any game playthrough unless you actively decide to use one to shake things up a bit.
- Bug: Anything based off of bugs IRL which is kind of fitting since the entire franchise was based on bug catching. Generally weak and useless, these are the only type somehow worse than Ice. As you'd expect of bugs, they can be killed off by just about everything. Rocks can crush them, Flying types eat them for lunch, and Fire types cook them for the Flying types. To make up for that, they sometimes have an oddly good Special Attack, and many seem to be failed Psychic-types as they usually wield Psychic-type attacks.
- Poison: Either has fucking high Defense and HP, as well as having somewhat overpowered Poison attacks, or pathetically weak with lame Poison attacks, or were strong but had no Poison attacks at all. Until Generation VI, Poison moves were arguably the worst damage-dealing attacks, and generally avoided unless getting a STAB, but their strength against Fairies changed that somewhat. Get poisoned by one and you have to put up with the irritating long lasting poison effects which made these things a bitch to fight. Poison-types are often employed by the pathetic grunts of Team Rocket, and after a battle ended, the infected Pokémon would cause your screen to have a fucking seizure every four steps you took. Until Generation V.
- Ghost: Ghosts are completely immune to Normal and Fighting attacks, weak to other Ghosts and largely resistant to Ground-based moves in the later games thanks to the introduction of the Levitate Ability. Your only chance in hell to beat one of these is to train up a Dark-type, a Normal-type wielding anything but Normal attacks, or something else. Ghosts have the ability to naturally learn and use a move called "Curse" which makes the user die alone. Ghosts also wield and other lulzy moves like Destiny Bond and Perish Song.
- Side note: Nintendo trolled the anime followers of the original Pokémon series, claiming that Ghosts were strong against Psychics. Fanboys would find out only after they trained their Haunter for three days that it was generally useless against Sabrina, because the only damage-dealing Ghost attack in Generation I was a shitty move called Lick, and Haunter was in fact weak against Psychic Pokémon due to its dual Poison-typing. O Nintendo, u so funneh.
- Dragon: Probably the only type in the game worth a damn, at least until the introduction of the Fairy-type. Overpowered, huge amount of HP, fast, could take a lot of rape and most of them could learn at least one move of every other type in existence. They're mainly used by whiny-ass little bastards who think the world of Pokémon is real. Nearly impossible to kill and even MOAR impossible to level-up, Dragon's only weaknesses are Ice-types, Dragons and Fairies.
Because the game was accused of being "unbalanced" in Generation I, the fuckers at Game Freak added two more types in Generation II to destroy all the "strong" Pokémon. This, of course, made gamers rage even more.
- Steel: Designed to appeal to HARDCORE Pokémon fans and metalfags. Basically just the same as Rock, but with even MOAR Defense and HP, and in an almost cruel twist of irony it now gets shat on by Fire, and Grass Pokémon now suck its ten-foot cock. The only reason you'd ever want one is because they're completely immune to Poison and the fact that they resist pretty much everything until Generation VI, when their resistances to Dark and Ghost attacks were removed.
- Dark: Dark (or in Japseye land, Evil) was invented because Ghost just wasn't enough for the legions of faggot fanfiction writers that make up most of the Pokémon fanbase. All of the creatures in the Dark-typing are either deep and mysterious, appear at night or are natural cunts. They are one of the few types to be able to use a Psychic and Ghost-type as toilet paper with no real problems, but all Dark types have a crippling phobia of Bugs, and Fairies and Fighting types can wear them like gloves through their arseholes.
After much whining about Dragon being overpowered, there was a new type introduced with the release of X and Y:
- Fairy: The manliest type at all. Sylveon is the figurehead for the type which has since become a waifu Pokémon for furries. A bunch of previous Pokémon have since been reclassed as Fairies, including Clefairy, Pikablu and Mr. Mime for some godawful reason. It was introduced in VI because the fucktards at Game Freak realized Dragons were overpowered and Spiritomb needed a weakness to stop people cheating in a Wondertomb.
Status conditions
During the awesome Pokéman battles which start, either when you step on a Pachirisu, a fat faggot with nothing better to do challenges you to a fight for no real reason at all, or your imaginary friend from irl challenges you and you hook up your Game Boys together so you can start fightin' your Pokémans, Status conditions are one of the things Pokéman can do to each other to piss each other off. They are as follows:
- Paralysis: A condition inflicted most commonly by Electric attacks, alongside Body Slam, Stun Spore and Glare. Annoyingly the most common status condition you can ever fucking get. Paralysis slows the sufferer down to 25% and gives them a chance of being unable to attack on any given turn. Your Pokéman will never attack when paralyzed, whereas the enemy will without a problem. You can recover from paralysis with status condition healing items. Combine with Attract and Confuse Ray for EXTREME TROLLING. Any Pokéman with the ability Limber, like Meowth or Hitmonlee, is immune to paralysis, so you might want one on your team. Just Saiyan.
- Poison: A less common but equally stupid condition wherein the poisoned Pokéman gradually loses HP even when you are out of battle, shown when your game screen has a fucking seizure every four steps. Poison be cured with an Antidote, which is fortunately a very common item. Pokémans with the Immunity Ability, like Snorlax, Poison-types, and Steel-types are all immune to it. In the first three Generations, your Pokémon could faint from being poisoned outside of battle. In Generation IV, they magically recover from poison while on the verge of death at 1HP and in Generation V they stay poisoned but don't cause the screen to seizure or lose health by walking four steps, essentially making it no different to being burned, minus shitting on the Attack stat. As of Generation VI, poisoning no longer harms Pokémon after a battle.
- Badly poisoned: Copy/paste of being poisoned, but does more damage as more turns are taken in battle. Because that's totally fair and balanced gameplay.
- Sleep: Sleep stops your Pokémans from doing anything, unless you use Snore or Sleep Talk. It can either last a long time or not very long at all, essentially mind-fucking you into choosing whether to use an Awakening or not. If you're really unlucky, it could last five full turns. Any Pokémon with Dream Eater, usually the one that put you to sleep in the first place, can rape your health while healing themselves at the same time. Any Pokéman with Insomnia or Vital Spirit is immune to sleep, even if it tries to cause it on itself by using a move such as Rest.
- Burn: Burns are most often inflicted by Fire attacks. When affected by a burn, the Attack stat is shat all over similar to how paralysis shits on Speed, and you lose HP every turn. It doesn't make your game screen have a seizure every four steps outside of battle though, and can be cured with a Burn Heal. Pokémon that are Fire-types, or have the Water Veil Ability, cannot be inflicted with the burn status.
- Freeze: Caused by at least 50% of Ice attacks and works pretty much the same way as sleep, by making your Pokémon useless in that it can't fight back. It rarely lasts more than one turn though and has no attacks that instantly causes it. The Pokéman in question can be defrosted in one of five ways; It can defrost randomly on its own, can be cured with an Ice Heal, can be defrosted when Fire attacks are used against it, is immune to being frozen with the Magma Armor Ability and it can defrost itself using most Fire attacks. A pure fail.
- Attract: Psuedo-Rule 34. Pokémans can whore themselves out to the opposite gender and your Pokémon falls in love with it. It stops at least 100% of all your attacks from doing anything when your Pokémon starts pining for dat ass and won't do anything for that turn. Unknown genders can't learn Attract, but those who can use it by other methods can't attract anyone. Combine with paralysis and/or confusion for EXTREME TROLLING! Any Pokémon with the Oblivious Ability or the same gender is immune to it.
- Confusion: Used only as a last resort or by NPCs to piss you off. The affected Pokéman can fail attacks and punch itself in the face in the process. Higher Attack power means it slaps itself harder, which is why people like the attack Swagger. Confusion lasts 500 turns for you, lasts one turn for the opponent. Invest in Confuse Ray for EXTREME TROLLING! Unless of course it has the Own Tempo Ability.
- Curse: A lulzy condition inflicted by Ghost-types. The user becomes emo and sticks needles in itself using some odd voodoo shit, taking half its health to lay a curse on your Pokémon. Every turn, just less than 1/4 of your Pokémon's health will be taken until it dies of severe depression. Massive trolling and butthurt ensues from its use. Use it often and use it against real people to piss them off.
- Pokérus: Not a typical status ailment with negative effects in battle; basically your Pokéman contracted Pokérus from fighting a wild Pokéman, but you must have battled it and preferably defeated it to catch it, and the virus is really fucking rare. It can be spread to all your other Pokéman, regardless of gender or species. Hell, it can even be passed onto Eggs. It can't be cured, and it goes away over time; but the effects of the virus remain for the rest of your Pokéman's life. Pokérus is a special STD that turns your Pokéman into the strongest fucking thing evar whenever it levels up, and is really fucking rare despite the fact that it can be spread like the common cold.
The anime
The Pokémon cartoon (compulsively referred to as the anniemay by fanfaggots) tells the story of hermaphrodite Ash Ketchum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to being a Pokémon fanboy. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.
Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason behind Brock's weird-ass behavior is his homosexuality. This is the only explanation why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession."
Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jessie, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would appreciate them again, not that he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among Pokéfans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.
Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that more than make up for Misty's lack thereof. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who seems to know more about Pokémon than Ash. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's a 10-year-old, is an even bigger whore than the other girls mainly due to her extremely short skirt. Having the smallest chest, she is clearly fanservice for many of the show's viewers.
The series has continued for far more years as well as seasons than it ever should have, showcasing Ash and some traveling partners going throughout the region of the games currently being promoted. We have seen Ash paired up with Iris and Cilan as they explored the Amerifat Unova region. Then he adventures of Kalos, where Ash was now accompanied by Clemont, his fuckface little sister Bonnie, and an even larger than Dawn whore Serena. Then , he's accompanied by Sophocles, Kiawe, and even worse than Serena whores, Lille, Mallow, and Lana, a legit harem of girls in the Alola Region. Sadly, Ash will never, ever see himself win an official championship as long as the show keeps going. Nor will he get any pussy, while Team Rocket will continue to be failures who stalk a kid for a rat for thousands of more episodes to come. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS Ash actually won, but only because the League was so shitty, that you could probably win with a Magikarp.
The series has rebooted to appeal to nostalgiafags with Pokémon Journeys: The Series, now Ash will go through all regions without his retarded friends, and will instead be adventuring with Goh, basically another Ash.
The cartoon is solely enjoyed by people who play the games. Compulsive, autistic, fat, basement-dwelling freaks whom don't receive any love from their mommies and daddies. Watching the Pokémon cartoon is considered by many to be even lower than enjoying a Nickelodeon shit-com. That is fucking low.
4Kids and drama in the U.S.
The Pokémon anime was originally dubbed for U.S. distribution by 4Kids. Several episodes were banhammered by 4Kids for reasons varying from Brock sneezing during the SARS epidemic, to an overabundance of evil Japanese culture, to James showing off his new boobs, to Porygon-induced subliminal messages that would cause seizures and the buying of more Pokémon merchandise. This topic can cause fanboys to rant for hours on the Internet.
Eventually, Pokémon USA stepped in and yoinked the anime away from 4Kids. All the "fans" who had previously bitched about how 4Kids was sodomizing the series now acted like it was the apocalypse that the voice actors had been replaced. They set up at least 100 online petitions to reinstate the old voices. Pokémon is clearly serious business. To make the lulz even better, one of their voice actors, Eric Stuart (who did James and Brock) posted about the voice actor changeover on his website, whining like a 13-year-old boy and spamming his own guestbook out of angst.
Ways to watch the anime
There are two ways to watch the anime in English:
- The shitty dub, now managed by TPCi
- Even shittier subtitled anime, managed by autistic subber groups
The dub is utter shit, because the voice actors really only put in a minimal amount of effort for a product that automatically generates money for Nintendo and all other parties, meaning the quality is a mere shadow of even the 4Kids version of the show from back in the day... which, you can imagine, is pretty pathetic. But in all honesty, the dub is still infinitely better than shit autistic shit that subber groups release, because at least the dub is internally consistent and is more focused on making shit sound more natural to English speaking people. Y'know, NORMAL people who just want to be entertained by a good (lol) cartoon show.
On the other hand, the shit released by subber groups is just fucking awful, and no level of "hard work" justifies the amount of autism sub fans have for it. Just poke around any thread about the CARTOON on /vp/, and you'll see just how terrible sub fans are, as well as how easily triggered they are. Want to see it in action? Then just try any of the following:
- Ask for a version of the subs which replace all the Japanese names with English names... y'know, because you speak English, not Japanese
- If none are provided, take a subber's release and replace everything yourself, then post the results
- Ask why Japanese names are used at all for an English language sub to begin with
- Point out that it's impossible for Japanese to be exactly translated into English, and thus their attempts for "authenticity" with subs is pointless
- Sub-point: constantly bring up Japanese's lack of articles (like "a" and "the") and ask why any subber uses them if authenticity is the goal
- Ask why the subs aren't just pulled from the dub
- Defend the dub in any way
- For example: point out that "Satoshi" is not his real name, but that it's "Ash," as proven by "Ash's Greninja" in the Pokémon Sun/Moon demo
- Alternatively, point out that if they don't want to use anything that reminds them of the dub, then why are they using the same language as the dub?
- Defend the more liberal subs over the more literal subs, then point out how people like the liberal subs better
- Redistribute someone's subs on your own website, and if they complain, point out that what they're doing is illegal anyways and say "whaddya gonna do, arrest me?"
Yeah, so, for some reason, subbers think that using Japanese names in the subs is the more superior choice... because apparently the English names for characters is a decision made by the show's dubbers (as opposed to a decision made from the top of Game Freak itself) and is therefore inauthentic to the nature of the original Japanese show. And subfags will defend this as much as possible, despite the fact that no one (apart from the subbers themselves, and that's debatable) actually speaks Japanese and thus needs English subtitles to be written up for them.
But hey, we here at Encyclopedia Dramatica are in it for the lulz, so expect a release of the "best" subs with all of the Japanese names replaced with their English ones soon.
The comic
As if the world didn't have enough Pokéshit, we now have fucking manga comics about it. The one most fantards give a shit about is Pokémon Adventures, known as Pokémon Special by weebs. This comic is the bastion wet dream of Deviantards, shippers, and 9-year-old children who enjoy bloody violence. Rife with violence, plundering, blood, Pokémon getting killed, people getting killed, evil Gym Leaders, evil Elite Four, Trainers being turned into stone, time travel, drama, hate, and of course nudity. Pokémon Special (or PokéSpe for short) is a fucking dream come true, even being endorsed by the original game's creator Satoshi Tajiri. The main protagonists are swapped around, which would give an air of refreshment with each new story arc - however this is a let down once you realize they are named after the games. We are left with shit like a boy named Gold and a girl named White.
In truth, it's just a shitty overblown Marvel-tier mess that only gets points above the cartoon because it doesn't star that cocksucker Ash Ketchum. Even then, the comic's version of Red (Ash's basis) is just as bad. It's all weak as shit compared to real hardcore series.
Videos
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Galleries
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I think Pokémon is a cool guy, eh, steals penises and doesn't afraid of anything -
Brock watches Jessie take a shit
See also
- AGNPH
- Asperchu
- Braixen
- Bulbagarden
- Charles Ziese
- Chris-chan
- Cynthia - Because Nintendo is obviously sexist.
- FemaleGoodra
- Flannery - The Waifu Human
- Furries
- Gardevoir - The Waifu Pokémon.
- Gary Oak - That is one badass motherfucker!
- Japanese Bug Fights - IRL Pokémon.
- Jessica Nigri
- JustinRPG
- KingEmpoleon - Pokéfag that KO'd his mother in 2011.
- Lopunny - The furfag's Pokémon of choice.
- Lucario - Same as above.
- Mewchan
- Mudkipchan
- Nuzlocke
- Pamperchu
- Pedophilia
- Pogs - Similar fandom.
- Pokédads, Poképarents or Pokésiblings
- PokeDream
- Pokémon GO
- Pokémon Mystery Dungeon series
- Poképuns
- PokeShipping
- Rubén Puig Lecegui - A fine example of how to act in the fandom.
- Shipping
- Shin Megami Tensei - IRL Pokemon with actual demons.
- Slash Firestorm - Rule 34s Gardevoir and human beings.
- Smogon University - The tourneyfags of Pokémon.
- /vp/
- Weaboo
- What is Brock? - The question that has plagued mankind for centuries.
- Willg8686 - Retarded Pokémon fan.
- Zoroark - More furry trash.
External links
- Official Website
UkrDramatica's article on this- Faggotry is power
- Official TCG Website
- Typical fansite
- BROCK WILL STEAL YOUR PENIS is a meme
- Pokémon are real
Creepy urban legend about the music at Lavender Town- Porkemon Fan Fiction The greatest fanfic of all time. Oh, and be sure to read all the chapters and not just the first post.
4chan
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Pokémon is part of a series on Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage. |
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Pokémon is part of a series on Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
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Pokémon is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
| Pokémon is part of a Series on Cyberpets |
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 Pokémon is part of a series on Pokémon [Who’s that Pokémon?] | |||||||
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| Article of the Now July 19 and 20, 2022 | ||
| Preceded by Your Mom |
Pokémon | Succeeded by Moviebob |