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Birdemic
Birdemic: Shock and Terror, a romantic thriller made in 2008 by visionary director James Nguyen, is widely considered to be the best film that's ever been made ever shit. In fact it's so shit that watching it feels like being fucked up the ass with a wooden dildo (except with less splinters) and by the time you're fifteen minutes in you wish that you were being fucked by the dildo because it would at least distract from the seemingly-endless waves of excrement being wafted at you by Nguyen.
Like many other crappy films (Citizen Kane, The Godfather, The Room - that kind of thing) Boredemic has reached an almost cult status online because the internet is fucking stupid. Screenings, reviews, commentaries and reaction videos (among other faggotry) all perpetuate the rumor that awful films can be worthwhile if they provide some basement dwellers with mild amusement. But that's bollocks.
Shitty, unfunny memes have arisen due to this film, although being shitty they're not liked or enjoyed by anyone other than the Redditfags that no doubt produce them. Being entirely made up of animal fuckers, the citizens of FlorFlan often post about it, even livestream it, on the most popular board ever (/tv/) and that just gives the general public more reason to hate it.
Thankfully, although it doesn't make up for the pain this horror causes me, Birdemic: Shit and Error is a source of humor and quoting it to your friends endlessly in the playground during recess is guaranteed to produce lulz (not really you fucktarded 13 year old).
Plot Summary
The Love Story
Turdemic is the tale of an extremely dull yet somehow irresistibly attractive dickface called Rod who manages to seduce (and eventually score with) a model, Nathalie. Either Nathalie is a closet trap or has incredibly low standards because Rob's seduction methods of stalking and being excessively boring seem to work on her. Or it could be because he's rich. Either way, the fact that the fucking tiresome cunt Rod managed to sex with dat fine babe is a constant source of my anger and, my therapist says, the reason that I now only get sexual gratification from kidnapping, rape, murder and other gay fetishes.
Roy makes a lot of money by doing whatever shit he does (business?) and is pals with a stupid cocksucker called Rick who's got a brain so small it could probably fit down your urethra (though it'd look like one of those videos where a snake swallows a dog or whatever). They have a really strong friendship and this friendship is expertly communicated during the film via shitty, awkward dialogue. Another one of the characters I hate in this film, Rick's mere presence on screen fills me with an overpowering desire to cut myself and never stop.
Rod and Nathalie's steamy relationship is kicked up a notch (Is this true love?) and Rod even meets Nathalie's whale-shaped mother. Nathalie's mother, who jerks off to the idea of her daughter becoming a real estate agent, is impressed by Roy's charm money and quickly takes a shine to the tedious shit.
The two lovebirds clearly have a deep connection, demonstrated superbly by the lack of any chemistry between the characters. Finally Rob and Nathalie seal the deal and, after a lengthy dance sequence in a deserted restaurant, fuck hard. The actual sex scene is mostly taken up with shots of their feet, but I assume they fucked hard.
But this beautiful moment was not to last, for out in the star-sprayed night of the city something terrifying was about to occur.
ATTACK!!!!1 HORRER!!!!two!!!!
Birds! Over 8,000 birds! (did i get le awesum meme right?)
Shit-tons of birds (and, consequently, shit-tons of bird shit) begin to rain on the city in the early hours of the morning. These birds spit acid and do other crazy shit. In order to escape them, Rod and Nathalie join forces with an ex-marine, Ramsey, (and his qt gf Becky) and arm themselves with weapons coathangers. On the road, the gang pick up two young children who they kidnap rescue and repeatedly molest care for dearly. These kids are really worthwhile, important elements of the plot are entirely pointless. The children are a drain on the gang's supplies and are generally wastes of fucking space. I hate kids.
The lovers and their new friends stop of at the beach (for relaxing all cool) and they meet a bird scientist, Dr. Jones, who immediately launches into a lengthy-fucking-rant about shit nobody cares about - the environment and other communist lies. Later Becky, Ramsey's gf, is attacked by the birds mid-dump and, shit hanging out her ass like a brown tongue performing reverse anilingus, dies in a heart-wrenching yet vomit-inducing farewell. Crushed by this the battle between Ramsey and the birds gets personal. With bravery that would rival Sonichu, the dipshit battled the birds for the lives of some nearby idiotic civilians, eventually dying himself after being sprayed in acidic birdshit. It was sooooo sad.
Rod, Nat and the two gay kids run into a wig-wearing Julian Assange lookalike in the middle of a forest. After he explains more interesting facts about the harmful affect of humans on the environment boring, time-wasting crap, Roy leads Nat and the two kids away (probably in order to find a bush that they can use for cover while they do some more molesting). However, more drama was about to occur. The forest, being made of wood, caught fire because of the sun the environment something, it doesn't matter. Luckily our heroes escape without being burned alive because they are not made of wood.
As the drama of the film increases in intensity, the audience are constantly worrying about what's going to happen to these characters that they've invested a lot of time 90 minutes in. A final battle between our human adventurers and the evil scum birds occurs, Ray and Nat using up their supplies and eventually cowering in the vehicle with the children, failing to act scared (they must be so brave). However, just as the wicked hand of fate looks like it is about to grasp Rod and Nathalie and end their lives forever, an army of dubs DOVES charges at the villainous attackers, chasing them off into the sunset. Perhaps the Christfags are right about the God thing after all.
Quality
The quality of the movie can be summed up as a failure of a windows movie maker project, the birds look so real that they don't move much at all, they stand around like fucking retards waiting to be shot down, there's also that horrible bird voice acting that is used.
It's interesting however to see that the creators took the time to film their long-ass trip on car and put it there in the movie, makes you wonder if they filmed it while they're going to the next scene location.
There's also voice acting at it's finest people, people who look like big tools have decided to use their expert acting to help make this movie reach the top, you can see it below:
Characters
RayRoyRobRod- Rod, played by Alan Bagh, is the worst person you could ever imagine. He's an autistic social fucktard who likes to tell lengthy anecdotes about his really very interesting life that manages to bore even the most seasoned oldfag to death. He is essentially the opposite of shit was so cash guy, containing no trace of swag or cool. He stalks women and his best friend is a sex-obsessed pervert. He's so awkward that he can't even walk properly without looking like a fucking robotic twat. All this is made even more annoying by the fact that he's able to hook up with a super hawt camwhore, Nathalie. While you're alone, with only your hand to give you sexual release, that dicknose is out there skewering hot babes with his rock hard rod.
- Nathalie
- Nathalie, played by Whitney Moore, has a fetish for people who walk like they've shit themselves. Either that or her attraction to Rod is due to his wealth.
Reviews
—Writer, director and producer - James Nguyen | ||
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Gallery
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What are you talking about, hilariously funny meme person? -
The Americunts will be easy, we must conquer China first! -
Got any glass, mutha fucka? -
The internet is notoriously brilliant at le humour.
Videos
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See also
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Birdemic is part of a series on Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage. |