Slash Firestorm
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Slash Firestorm now knows you read this page and hates you on principle, you fucking troll. Might as well take advantage of it! |
Slash Firestorm is known as a "popular writer" (we use the term loosely) on AdultFanFiction.net. In his fanfiction he likes to portray himself as an angst-y badass who uses POKEMON AS WEAPONS and "THE CHOSEN ONE" who will save the world! He is in fact a psychotic shadow of a 23-year-old man living in Pensacola, Florida, an all-around furfag, and clearly a man who does not liek mudkips since he only writes about fucking a Gardevoir.
Since his most popular original stories self-inserts are Pokémon-based, Slash is of course not a furry, and neither are his fans. The fans are "special" at best, since the vast majority of them are unable to write a proper sentence to express a coherent thought. This works to Slash's advantage since his writing is on par with their limited intelligence.
The Man Behind the Self-Insert
Slash Firestorm, or Jason outside of the Internet, is a Canadian-born but American-raised lol-cow that likes nature and "creative activities". He is a former homophobe who has recently embraced his inner gay/bi self. According to his MySpace (oh yes, he has one), his "ideal mate" would have to enjoy running around in the rain, love watching movies, and have a sense of humor. Besides the inference that Slash is, in fact, a virgin, we can safely assume that any girl who enjoys said things would drop Slash faster than a live grenade when she saw what horrors he has wrought in the name of "art."
Politically, according to his defunct pro-Obama blog, Slash is a conservative but was turned off by eight years of the Bush administration, so he now supports Obama. Slash thinks he holds a modicum of progressive ideals, but more likely than not they serve as fetish fuel for whatever wank story disguised as a MEANINGFUL TALE he's writing this time. Obama's presidency is failing due to Slash's support.
Like any good basement dweller, Slash is a fervent participant in Newgrounds and LiveJournal. He is surprisingly ineffective at both because he fails to make any sort of impact or impression, just like anything outside of the insulated world of Pokémon adult fanfiction. It doesn't help that he wastes his time writing the same post in three different blogs (he doesn't copypasta) instead of putting it all in one place. Then again, he may be preparing for the eventual trolling that will hit him like Hurricane Katrina thanks to his presence in the tubes.
Lastly, Slash Firestorm is a massive fucking attention whore who BAWWWed in the talk pages about how this article doesn't meets his own EPIC writing and humor standards. One would think he is trying to suck an admin's cock on Wikipedia, but this is ED and we tire of that shit quickly.
His "Art"
Slash Firestorm has written numerous short stories and fanfics, all of which are absolute dreck. There's a common formula to all of them, which only adds to the fail. His protagonists are all called Slash Firestorm (NOT A SELF-INSERT!), the female love interest to Slash Firestorm all have unpronounceable names like Psymakio, and there's a main villain who Slash Firestorm would be like if he didn't have the love of the oddly-named female protagonist. There's a theme of this trinity of characters who transcend any one story, and this bizarre love triangle often tries too hard to explain good, evil, and how love bridges the two. In other words, Slash Firestorm writes the same story repeatedly, naming the protagonist after himself (but he's NOT A SELF-INSERT!), using the same character guidelines, changing only the setting, the words, and a couple of names. Sounds more like copypasta than "art".
Slash Firestorm BALEETED his old non-Sinners-related work from AdultFanFiction.net. Because of this, he has no idea that he in fact sucks as much now as he did in the past. If he believed in self-improvement and was an artist that didn't have a severe case of unwarranted self-importance, he would have kept this past work not only for the lulz of it all but also to gauge how to best improve his abilities, but like any artist on the internet, he doesn't. However, we know for certain that he has written stuff about The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker and Golden Sun.
So what problems are present in his work? Read on and find out for yourself!
—From Shadows of the Night. Slash is thinking of pwning himself, which would be the best Christmas present of all. | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Since all of his available "art" revolves around Sinners, it's no surprise that everything he has done recently is focused only on that. From truly awful lesson of Pokémon pornography involving Gardevoir and his (TOTALLY NOT A) self-insert to a parody about Pokémon's Ash Ketchum that's about as funny as a rape trial, Slash Firestorm's creative prowess is on par with the art of certain people who also can't take a lick of criticism. What's that, you're saying? Slash Firestorm can't accept criticism? Why, no he cannot! Like any good hack artist on the Internet, Slash Firestorm turns into an Internet tough guy that thinks he's funny or witty when the merest hint of negative criticism is sent to him.
On the disturbingly fetishistic side, Slash also has a thing with food in which he almost always uses a food analogy to convey sex. For example, Slash says Gardevoir smells and tastes like 'vanilla' for nearly an entire chapter. He also manages to do nearly every sex position in one chapter, except anal, BUT THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME. In the end, the real-life Slash Firestorm is going to die alone.
His Views on Art, Criticism, and Editing
Slash's views on these essentials can be summarized in this short list:
- Art evolves only in a loving environment. The more love, the faster evolution occurs.
- Everything he writes is gold.
- The only valid criticism is pointing out contradictions in plot structure and grammatical/spelling errors.
- If a thesaurus says two words are synonyms, they both mean exactly the same thing and are able to be used in exactly the same context because a thesaurus wouldn't list merely SIMILAR words as synonyms.
- It is OK to break fundamentals of art arbitrarily, even when no point is to be made of it.
- EPIC is the only true way to write.
Slash honestly believes that to be a good critic, you must first accept the world and enjoy it unconditionally. Only when you have done so, you can give criticism that will allow a story to grow. Unfortunately, nobody told Slash that art is SERIOUS BUSINESS: historically, artists have been absolute assholes to each other on a scale matched only by Goatse, and negative criticism is absolutely required for any artist to understand that doubt creates art. Without a little something called "accountancy", an artist will suck forever, but Slash seems to like mediocrity enough to remain in an eternal circle jerk with his fans.
Taking a glance at the reviews page for Sinners: Arc 2, we can see that the majority of reviews are just there to fondle Slash's e-cock, and the few reviews actually trying to critique him are written by fans touching only on minor plot elements and plot holes. When the negative reviews start to roll in, the butthurt is so immense that Slash and his fans go to great length to discredit the reviewers just because they don't like the story. Did you get that? Slash and his fans claim the reviewers are not legitimate because they don't like the story. It was ugly from the get-go because the first reviewer said the Pokémon porn was repulsive. Despite repeated claims from the "trolls" that the reviews were written because the entire story was shit, Slash covered his ears and kept saying that they were just there because they got grossed out by the porn and should have left when they read the disclaimer warning about bestiality.
It doesn't help that Slash takes a condescending, know-it-all attitude when dealing with negative critics. He uses the phrase "good sir" as if he were an old English fogey and ignores anything past a certain point when it becomes clear that the review isn't being written to give him a rimjob. If you're going to review him, you'd better take the K-Y, sing praises about the story, and make your review as saccharine as possible to even be accepted by the ranks of his fans... although why would you want to do that?
Perhaps the truly sad part of it all is that Slash Firestorm is not a bad writer with spelling mechanics. He spell-checks, proofreads, and at least SOUNDS pseudo-intellectual, which is usually more than can be said about many Encyclopedia Dramatica users.
The Masterpiece
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Firestorm's magnum opus of shit, described (perhaps flatteringly) as a "pretentious story penned in gilded pages" by one of ED's anonymous reviewers, is his EPIC titled Sinners (now in its second "arc"). Slash Firestorm's description of this story is "the bond between a trainer and his Gardevoir [that] goes from devotion to forbidden love---and that love may be the only hope the world has left". In case you didn't register it yet, this story is about a relationship between a Pokémon and its trainer, complete with graphic sex scenes. The fanfic world he created is so in-depth and convoluted that you'll need a flow chart to keep track of all the characters, alliances, settings, and timelines. The story also happens to dabble in the destruction and corruption of the world, the gods, and all that Nintendo holds dear. Are we feeling the EPIC yet? Before Slash continues updating this monstrosity of nature, he is re-writing and re-editing the entire story so far. This is to everyone's benefit because it means we don't have to see any more of him.
Sinners is a continuous story, divided in 'Arcs' but is to be read as a whole. These are only the factual plot-wise happenings, for the entire drama, read it all (if you can survive after it, you win AN INTERNETZ).
- A guide to this: Sex means penetrations. Foreplay means everything else wich don't end up on sex!
[+]Sinners: Arc 1
Chapter 1: Enter Slash: Slash Firestorm (NOT A SELF-INSERT) is losing to the Gym battle with Brawly and is down to only one Pokémon, Ralts (Gardevoir's first pre-evolution), wich is the weakest of his group. Ralts focuses energy and wins the battle, becoming Slash's praised one. We meet Kiako Sensinari here, Slash notes that he has red eyes. 771 words total.
Chapter 2: The Calm Before The Storm: Kiako telephones some mysterious man. Shash is on a boat, talks to Briney about Team Aqua, learning that he was on one of their top ranks, but quit. He then goes to eat on a restaurant with his Pokémon. 1,843 words total.
Chapter 3: The Man With Demon Eyes: As Kiako is after Cap. Stern about the Sea Pearl, the Aquas are after him to steal the blueprints of a submarine that Slash gave to Cap. Stern. Kiako confronts the Aquas, killing them and killing Cap. Stern also, he the almost kills Slash with his Pokémon. 3,537 words total.
Chapter 4: Searching For Answers: Slash is recovering in the hospital and learns that Ralts evolved to Kirlia what happened. They develop some sort of bond that lets Kirlia speak to Slash telepathically. He also begins to have some psychic powers. He then learns of an ancient prophecy that one should gather the three pearls, the power of the king would be his. 2,790 words total.
Chapter 5: Dark Clouds and Soft Hearts: The whole chapter is about Slash talking to Kirlia about the Jirachians (same like Christians), and their gay-hating and their vote against Pokémon-human mating. Kirlia feels attracted to Slash. In the end, Archie, the leader of the Aquas is after information on who killed his men. 3,314 words total.
Chapter 6: Campfires and Sweet Dreams: Kiako's boss is informed that agent Sai is in possession of the last pearl on the mountains and orders Kiako after it. On the camp, Kirlia is watching Slash on his sleep and touches his lips with her hand, waking him up, she gets embarrassed and discovers that she's in love with him. 1,596 words total.
Chapter 7: Something III In The Wind: As Slash is approaching another city, Maxie (the leader of Team Magma) is about to steal that city's Pokémon Center in order to have a lot of electric Pokémon, gaining strength over the Aquas. 1,639 words total.
Chapter 8: Paying With Fire: The Magmas rob the Pokémon Center and make a nurse hostage, Slash enters and starts battling them and then Maxie enters and battles the boy (telling him he killed the nurse). 3,123 words total.
Chapter 9: Flame and Thunder: Maxie is nearly killing all of Slash's Pokémon as Watson enters, battles and kills him. He boy then declares Kirlia to be his Kaishakunin (the one that follows you around) and asks Watson if he can stay on his place. 4,900 words total.
Chapter 10: Interlude: Under The Summer Sun: Both Slash and Kirlia share a dream over the bond, where Slash kisses her and puts his hand on her thighs, just to wake up at the best moment. 586 words total.
Chapter 11: Clouded Future: Slash captures an Electrike and let all his Pokémon train by themselves. Then there's a small piece when we discover that Kiako is a member of the Rockets and his boss is Giovanni. Another small piece where Archie discovers that Slash had contact with Kiako and sets out to find him. After calling back all his Pokémon, Slash and Kirlia were under a tree and three kids start bullying him. Fight ensues and one of the kids draw a switchblade and Kirlia, being afraid, kills the three kids and, because of what he told her before about the Jirachians killing those who mate with a Pokémon, she sets her mind on never telling him how she felt for the sake of him. 6705 words total.
Chapter 12: Hearths Breaking Even: Slash goes to Watson's house and, when he leaves, declares his love for Kirlia. She, longing for his trainer's life, says no and teleports away just as the Magmas attack the city, trying to avenge his dead leader. Slash finally finds Kirlia and kisses her and both state their love for each one before fainting. 7,136 words total.
Chapter 13: Together: Contains Foreplay! Slash wakes up in Watson's house and learns that Kirlia evolved into a Gardevoir. Watson finds out about their love and assures them that he's alright with that. When he leaves, Slash and Gardevoir start talking and he starts to finger her while rubbing his cock on her anus. Both reach orgasm and Corphish throws a water gun at them to wash them off of the mess. He names the Gardevoir Psymakio. 11,611 words total.
Chapter 14: Fear: After the "sex" they both start talking and Slash decide to become Psymakio's mate (extending the bond and her lifetime to match his). Watson comes home and Slash tells him secretly for a surprise party for Gardevoir. Then Watson tells them that he was a member of the Magmas long ago and lectures them about his own life experiences. They both go to a restaurant and talk alot, a girl flirts with Slash and Psymakio hisses at her while Slash tells her that he already has a special someone with him. After the eating they are surprised by Archie who wants to talk to them. 11,759 words total.
Chapter 15: Running With The Devil: Archie asks them about Kiako and then asks them to join the Aquas as Rogues. Slash playing clever accepts the offer and receives a transmitter and an Aqua Badge (thinking only of playing it as a spy, so he could get information about Kiako). They tell Watson about their plan. Psymakio discovers that Slash's heart is half good half bad, and fears for the worde. He teaches her how to read and Watson tells them that the surprise for Gardevoir is ready, they go off to the movies and then, onto the penthouse that Watson rented for them. 8,498 words total.
Chapter 16: From Tonight Until The End Of Time: Contains Sex! He eat out her pussy, she goes cowgirl on him and squirts on top of him, she deepthroats him, they sleep. They wake up, they decide to mate that night, they bathe together, he fucks her frontally, lifting her leg, they mate and shortly after they fall asleep. 11,744 words total. End of Arc 1
[+]Sinners: Arc 2
Chapter 17: Rising Sun, Gathering Storm: Contains Sex! As Slash sleeps, Psymakio wanders his mind and find lots of doors. In Slash's head, he is talking with two voices, The Interloper and the other that is later called Angel (a piece of Psymakio that she created to help him with the changes of the bond). He wakes up and after a little chat about she wanting Slash to be the dominant, he grabs some lube and fucks her in the ass. Cut to Kiako flying on a Gyarados from Kanto to Hoenn. Back to Slash, he gives her a Thunderbolt TM that he spent all his money on, so she shouldn't be afraid of the dark types anymore. They went over to Watson's house and arrange for the next day's battle with the Gym Leader. 12,057 words total.
Chapter 18: Interlude: Dissonance: Breaking the fourth wall, nothing of interest. 711 words total.
Chapter 19: Death From Above: Kiako has a strange dream and wakes up only to be attacked by Rayquaza. Psymakio finds out that Slash's rage door is powerful and he insists her to break it. She doesn't do it (even with the chance of her choice come to taint him later forever). He then battles Watson only to be defeated when counting on Psymakio. On the hospital, Watson tells them that on the north there are certain problems and they decide to go there. 21,330 words total.
Chapter 20: Lines of Force: Slash learns about the part of Gardevoir on his mind and calls her Angel. When he wakes up they talk about the desert ahead and Watson tells them not to travel by night. Kiako is badly hurt from his battle with Rayquaza. 15,792 words total.
Chapter 21: For We Are All Sinners: Contains Sex! Flannery speaks with the members of her town about an impending volcano eruption and then slips off to fuck her Blaziken (this one is not explicit). A LOT of talk and the appearance of Silver (The Gary Oak equivalent from Gold and Silver). They end up on one cave and, after Slash fucks Psymakio one more time, and then a pack of Cacturne rush him and poison Psymakio, making Slash send out his Electrike to get more medicine because his was shattered during the attack. 20,930 words total.
Chapter 22: Other Worlds Than These: Slash and his Pokémon fend off the Cacturne and protect Psymakio. In her unconsciousness she is granted a vision of her echo (someone who filled her role in the past) and we lean that Sinners is placed in the future, with our time being their "Past". She saw Slash's echo, Quiero (learning that he was a hero to both the Pokémon Kingdom and the Human kingdom) and played the part of her own, Myako. Quiero then kisses Psymakio telling her to relay that to Myako. Slash faints and sleeps. 21,039 words total.
Chapter 23: Shadow's Marionette: Kiako is badly injured and uses his ultimate power to try to kill a Pokémon to eat and is severely injured in the process. Slash uses his hidden power and kills the remaining Cacturne. Electrike comes back evolved, as Manectric, and gives them the antidotes, Slash inject the antidote and boils a plan to kill the rest of the Cacturne. When succeeding, a shadow offers Slash a bargain, he will save Psymakio if Slash gives him all his lifetime but six months... and he accepts. He faints and when wakes up, sees Psymakio and tells her of what happened, making her angry. She then senses something and when they check, one of the Cacturne was pregnant and they cut the baby out of her womb. Adopting the Cacnea and walking through the desert, they find Silver on a tower and he almost kills Psymakio, but then injects her with some medicine and she is back to normal again. They exit the desert and enter a canyon. 30,282 words total.
Chapter 24: Eclipsed: Contains Sex! They exit the canyon and reach a camp, on the sleep, The Interloper is revealed to be Myako's "spirit" who kills Angel and forces Slash to fuck her(yes, seriously!). He regains control and tells her that she's dead and she pins him down to the wall, choking him. Psymakio appears and kisses Myako, freaking her out and making her disappear. 25,403 words total.
Chapter 25: Tainted: Slash is in his evil mood and after near screaming to Psymakio, the man from the camp appears and start talking about the dark-type Pokémon (because he is a Jirachian), Slash snaps and almost kills the man but leaves the camp instead. 6,374 words total.
Chapter 26: Twisted: Sai meets up with Kiakoand they both wander together. Slash starts to brag about how he should be disciplined by force for hurting Psymakio and his Graveller confronts him, angering Psymakio even further. They are ambushed by and corrupted Skarmory and are saved by Flannery's Blaziken. 8,924 words total.
Chapter 27: Breaking Bonds: The whole camp where slash was dies because of corrupted Pokémon. On a cave, they all rested but neither of the teams trusted one another to tell them about their own mating. Psymakio finds about Slash's corruption as she sees some stripes of dark on his hand and promises him that she'll restrain him if he ever got out of control. 8,225 words total.
Chapter 28: Corrupted: After finding a bunch of Aquas corrupted and killing them out of mercy, the groups tell about their matings. Blaziken finds Slash's Aqua Badge and confronts both the mates. Everything goes calm again and he tells Flannery to wait at a cave with the baby Cacnea so they can talk to Archie about the Aqua's attacks onto Rayquaza. 13,105 words total.
Chapter 29: Cataclysm: Archie tells them about Rayquaza, Slash and Psymakio go to him to tell him about his hearth and his maiden, that must purify the heart in order for his strenght to recover. They go to Flannery and talk to her about that and they all go and search for the maiden. Then they find a small barracks where the maiden (Katarina) is attached naked to a table (raped by both Pokémon and human Aquas). Slash makes an Aqua prisoner and tells everybody else to go back to the cave. He then proceeds to interrogate and then torture his prisoner (not explicit) and kills him. Then he appears on the cave with blood-stained clothes. They decide to confront the Aquas while Flannery will become the new maiden (since Katarina was now impure, tainted). Kiako steals Rayquaza's heart from Archie and they go try to kill him. After a LONG battle between Flannery's and Sai's Pokémons and an EVEN LONGER battle between Slash's and Kiako's Pokémon, Slash kills Sai and Kiako goes insane, claiming that he needs Psymakio for him (a need greater than the needed to fufill the prophecy [wich needed a Gardevoir], a need for himself). Psymakio is in disgust at that, but Rayquaza wakes up, tears off Kiako's left arm (the one that morphed around) as he is preparing his ultimate power. They all teleport to safety and Rayquaza "heals" the land purged by the shadow's veil (the corrupted god/shadow was behind it). 62,539 words total.
Chapter 30: The Demon Dreams: Here is explained that Kiako is an echo of someone named like himself (and, like himself, a human-pokémon hybrid). He was in love for Myako but Quiero gained her first, so he started to drik to make up for it and touched Myako. In his own shame, he ran away crying miserably. He then decided to create his own worlds, with his own rules, so nobody could make him feel lonely again. All that while a lot of corrupted Pokémon trying to eat him. 6,415 words total.
Chapter 31: The Demon Stirs: Lance and Silver are scanning the area, killing the mutated ones, they split and Silver meets Kiako. Kiako tells Silver about the Darkrai (the shadow) and his echo's role in it, we also learn that The King is a Regigigas. Just as Silver is about to kill him, he is stopped by Lachesis (the Kaishakunin of Harkai, the second of the Black Thirtheen {being Kiako the first and the now-deceased Sai the sixth}, wich is a female build-up Gardevoir using a cassock instead of the habitual bio-cloth Gardevoirs use). After a standoff between Kiako and Silver's lifes, Lachesis tells that Silver wants to try and recover HER (still unknown who HER might be). Just as Silver is about to die, Janus appears and manages to shield him. Then Agatha and Bruno show up (the seventh and the eighth of the Black Thirteen) and the XD001 is mentioned. Both parties flee and we cut to Kiako at Team Rocket's HQ, where he asks Giovanni to tell him the truth. Cut again to Agatha and Bruno searching for a Key Soul wich she captures (making her total 98, needing 10 more). Cut again to Rocket's HQ, where there is a meeting in place to give Sai's role to someone else. e discover the rest of the Black Thirteen, Grace is the third (not the one from the game); Icarus is the fourth; Lila is the fifth (daughter of Erika); Karen is the ninth; Lawrence is the tenth; Charles Tiadrus is the eleventh; Cordelia is the twelfth and Sage is the thirtheenth. They talk alot and then set out to test Paul as the new member of the Black Thirteen, making everyone gain a promotion. Giovanni then orders Icarus and Lila to keep an eye out for Slash and Psymakio while Karen is sent out to test Paul. Cut to Rayquaza and Janus talking about the injured party. 42,859 words total.
Unbelievably, we're only 2/5ths of the way through this abomination. Hilarity does ensue.
TL;DR version of the plot: Slash Firestorm (yet again, NOT A SELF-INSERT!) trains up, falls in love, and has sex with a Gardevoir. They get involved with some EPIC shit about Pearls and Kings and prophecies and gods, become Chosen Ones, get some EPIC (and angsty) psychic powers, and set out to stop some generic evil superpowered guy who works for Team Rocket. Child rape takes place. Hilarity does ensue.
[+]Sinners: Canons
Sinners is also noted for it's canon stories, such as:
Shadows of the Night: Short story: Info about the origin of the universe and then cut to where Quiero learns that Miako exchange christmas gifts and he learns that she's pregnant. They have sex (not explicit) and they vow to get revenge on the Shadow. 3,597 words total.
Come Whatever Storms: Contains Sex! Slash and Psymakio return to Watson's house and they marry there. After the party they end up makind sex. 11,545 words total.
Afterglow: Contains Sex! It's Valentine's Day so Slash and Psymakio decide to take a swim in a pond. After a lot of talk, they are guided to a secret lake and have sex there. 10,919 words total.
How Many Licks Does It Take...: Contains Foreplay! It's Halloween night and Psymakio wants to go trick or treatin'. Again, after a lot of talk, they go somewhere private and they foreplay with a lolypop. 4,808 words total.
Janus: Chapter 1: Note to the Finder: This canon is noted to be the only one that'll be updated. We learn how Janus (Mewtwo's own given name) came to be. 894 words total.
Janus: Chapter 2: Alone: Janus tells us more about his solitude. 2,012 words total.
Empty Hourglass: Slash just enjoys his last day with Psymakio. They have some sex and he explaind what happened to the baby Cacnea. This one is noted for being the first TL;DR canon story by said gardefag. 18,168 words total.
The thing is just over 725 pages in length and just concluded its second arc, but Slash Firestorm says that what he has written so far is merely an introduction. How he's going to stretch it over 2000 pages is anyone's guess (beyond chapter 100, he says), but it will likely involve lots more EPIC filler, handy use of the thesaurus, prose purpler than a priapic penis, and maybe some more rape. It doesn't help that the pacing is as slow as a three-legged turtle (even now, that he's decided to rewrite all of this crap).
Problems in the story range from overuse of cliches and tropes without any change to them, a thesaurus-influenced word in every third line dropped into casual conversation, self-insertion (BUT THERE ISN'T ANY, REALLY!), spotty morality, purple prose, convenience and coincidence that would shatter the disbelief of even the most hardcore fantasy fan, switching from third-person to narrative without the slightest incoming hint, and a serious need of an editor to cut down filler and extraneous dialogue. The entire concept for the story was influenced by an erotic Star Wars fanfic featuring incest between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, but amazingly that doesn't make it any more horrible than it already is.
So what makes this story so popular? It's hard to say, but drama experts attribute it to the sheer amounts of the elements Angst (An), Emo (Em), and Asperger's (As) in roughly proportional amounts packed into each chapter. Some scientists theorize the common Western teenager and young adult basement-dweller of this generation is naturally attracted to these volatile elements. Stories that contain An-Em-As ("enemas") attract readers through electromagnetic force. It doesn't help that Sinners is a fanfic about Pokémon: the Japanese anime influence exponentially concentrates these elements, and fanfics have a strange vibration in their words that draw thousands of views from weeaboos and cutters everywhere. Regardless, the story is even popular amongst users in 4chan's /b/ and the other *chans, which suggests that there are a lot of hidden sick fucks in Anonymous's ranks... or else it's just very lulzy. Now that child rape is present twice, it's probably the former.
But despite all of its popularity and the dubious accolades that Slash Firestorm garnered for himself, a momentary darkness formed on the horizon. The dangers and accusations that would be leveled at our favorite non-self-inserter would prove to be more than a mere annoyance, for they would shake the very core of his foundations as a writer... although these foundations were pretty flimsy to begin with.
The EPIC of the Sinners Review War: A Recounting of the Battle
On the evening of the twenty-seventh of June of the 2008th Year of Our Lord, the lands of the reviews page for Sinners looked as normal as any other day. Fans of questionable intelligence and taste frolicked and danced, watched by the setting sun's lone eye, as they sang their praises to Slash Firestorm for his talents, berated him to pen the next chapter of his epic tale, and pulled up their favorite passages of the Gardevoir/Slash erotic lovemaking to take a few furtive minutes with themselves. Slash Firestorm, lord of the land, busied himself by writing the next chapter of Sinners in his private study in the highest turret of his castle. He checked the land now and again to take note of his followers' desires, shortly before visiting his LiveJournal, Myspace, and Newgrounds profile to voice some more opinions that none but his most trusted (if absent) e-fiefs would take note of.
Yes, it was a normal day, like any other... before the dark cloud appeared, engulfing the last rays of the dying light. This obsidian nimbostratus, as massive as it was featureless, approached the Sinners land, and many of the fans paused their gay joy to glance up at the nearing fog, confused as to its meaning but inexplicably afraid. Slash glanced out of his window, and when he saw the hanging monster, he ceased his self-pleasure at the latest batch of adulation to regard it in more detail.
"This looks bad," the stocky man muttered to himself as he noticed there was no wind pushing the cloud along. "I wonder if-"
Slash was suddenly blown back by a foetid gust of wind from the ghastly nimbus, and while at first he didn't understand what was going on, he realized that the cloud was speaking to him.
"Slash Firestorm!" the onyx cloud roared as loud as a thousand lions, "I demand you to heed my warnings, and recognize the error of your ways!"
A dazed and confused Slash got up, but his answer was a mere "What?" spoken in a whisper. Down below in the review lands, dozens of fans and readers screamed and tried to flee the area, trampling each other underfoot as the strongest and fastest of the lot rushed into Slash's castle, pressing the guards aside as they sought cover from the next blast from the cloud.
"Do not pretend you cannot hear me!" the cloud boomed to the background of human screams, "Exit your tower and face me!"
Mustering his courage at this sudden threat thanks to adrenaline, Slash pulled up his pants, donned his armor and sword crafted from the finest dwarven steel and elven mythril, and marched down his tower's steps. He couldn't be entirely sure, but he felt an ominous presence that seemed to be watching him from the cloud, staring at him as he made his way down to the stables. He mounted his finest war horse and galloped alone out of his castle's grounds to the now-empty fields of his review lands.
"I am glad to see that you are brave enough to face one that does not bow in your presence, one that does not flinch when you speak to them, one that does not believe you are a master artist in literature," the cloud spoke again, this time softer. "Perhaps there is hope for you yet."
"Who are you, demon?" Slash shouted at the cloud, his courage beginning to ebb away. "Why have you come to my lands and called me outside of my home in challenge?"
"I am anonymous", the cloud answered cryptically, "but not in the way you expect me to be. I am but one man, much like yourself."
"If you are a man, why are you in a cloud?" the puzzled writer countered.
As if by response, the cloud seemed to decrease in size. But voicing an actual answer wasn't the cloud's intention. Before Slash could realize what was going on, the voice in the cloud began to voice a barrage of criticism that buffeted Slash and his horse, and this latter was so frightened that it threw its rider on the ground when it reared back. The criticism of the cloud was strong, but it didn't penetrate the armor that Slash wore.
"You are a flawed writer!" the cloud was saying. "Your story, the epic titled Sinners, is an abomination to Creation and all of Art! It is not so much its awful content as its execution! You have crucial writing techniques and ideals that you must work on if you wish to join the ranks of the illustrious artists in all of the lands!"
The voice went into further detail, and while Slash was taking it all attentively in horror, a seed of defiance and discontent was planted and began to rapidly bloom in his heart. It grew the longer the cloud talked, and he began to fear it less and less with every passing second as he remounted his horse. As the cloud's tirade drew to an end, a number of Slash's more loyal followers had approached him, armed for battle as he was. They still looked apprehensive, but their love for Slash's story and his modest talents had sparked their own bravery.
When the voice ceased to speak and paused for a few seconds, evidently waiting for a reply, each of Slash's allies spoke in turn, trying to counter this unknown threat. They claimed that the cloud was merely an evil influence without anything of worth to say, and that it was only trying to sow discontent for its own nefarious use. Slash himself spoke last, but not only did he reply to the cloud, he took the moments after he spoke to reply to his own readers' earlier wishes. Perhaps it was to strengthen his own resolve.
The cloud hung silent as it appeared to mull over Slash's defiant response. He had fought back against each of the cloud's accusations, and lastly told it to "elope away", as if this last sarcastic edge would force the cloud back. Before he and his allies knew what was happening, the cloud grew once more, but from its depth came forth a figure cloaked, caped, and armored in darkness, riding down on a chariot pulled by two ghostly, skeletal horses. Yielding a long spear, the figure landed his dark chariot in front of the war party, regarding them coolly and with a hint of disgust.
"Perhaps it would help get my message across if you saw me in person," the foe stated. "I am Jack Nativity, a writer of a different sort, but unlike you, Firestorm, I am aware of standards that must be adhered to. Moreover, I know that what is required of an artist above all else is the ability to accept criticism."
This last statement was the most shocking of all to Slash. Criticism? The idea itself was ludicrous, if this Jack Nativity was to be believed. The only criticism Slash needed to get by was to be pointed towards any contradictions or plot holes in his masterful epic. What need did he require of being pointed out of his idea's executions? Wasn't it enough that he was expressing himself, and that his technique's improvement was not a priority?
Slash suddenly charged the dark figure in lieu of parlay, trying to catch the threat off-guard and prevent any of his followers from becoming lured by Nativity's words. As if expecting this, Nativity stabbed out with his spear, forcing Slash to abandon his rush. Taking a cue from their leader, the others also rushed forth, swinging their weapons wildly and screaming bloody murder. Nativity seemed to ignore their blows, however, whether by his armor stopping their blows cold, or their slashes swinging through the dark man's body as if they were attacking a phantom. Whoever this Jack Nativity was, he seemed to be focused on Slash Firestorm alone.
As the light-armored Firestorm and the dark-clad Nativity traded blows in a furious duel, the two traded further words as well. Nativity, obviously disgusted and even disappointed, listened as Slash called him a troll and told him he was not worth heeding in a short, exasperated reply. Furious at being dismissed so bluntly, Nativity lashed out with his spear in a sudden reversal, catching Slash right on the chest and throwing him clear off his horse and into the grassy knoll.
"I thought you had more self-respect as an artist to hear something that doesn't agree with you and challenge it with words rather than with a misapplied feeling of superiority," Nativity began curtly, drawing back his spear and glaring at his fallen foe. "I'll be quick: you are a self-insert. You must research accountancy and self-doubt, as it creates all art. I enjoyed your work because it was shockingly bad and it was fun to tear it apart, not because it was good like your followers here say it is. If you're dismissing my criticism just because I am not accepting of your world, you are no artist."
Our hero, puffed up and too proud at having been knocked off his steed, bravely challenged Nativity on the merits of what makes an artist and why the dark menace was no editor. "You are a troll! You are a stuck-up, snobby editor who cannot appreciate the world I created! A critic must ground himself in the work and like it before they can critique it!" Slash ranted, his face turning deeper shades of crimson as he continued his shouting. "You do not know how to read! You are simply here because my story contains Pokémon and humans having sex, despite my warnings! You cannot help me!"
As if to reply to his latest rant, Nativity simply whipped his chariot up into the sky. Thinking he had won, Slash got up and brushed himself off as his allies helped him, but before they saw what was happening, two more figures appeared in front of them, where Nativity once stood. One looked just like the black person, but appeared shorter and yielded a sword and a shield. The other was a fully-robed man like an Oriental assassin, yielding two small daggers.
The new arrivals didn't give the heroes a time to think: the two were already attacking, and it was with difficulty that they could fight them back, even outnumbering them. All the while, the two began to voice their own concerns with the story, calling themselves Not Jack Nativity, Honest, and Alpha Xi. Slash managed to severely wound the dagger-yielder, Alpha Xi, as he finished his battle speech and killed the smaller Nativity look-a-like after this one angrily noted that if Slash truly was once a troll, he would not have picked a fight with them. Alpha Xi, evidently more willing to talk now that he was hurt and alone, stopped fighting. Confident they'd win if he tried anything, Slash and his party granted him the mercy to talk.
"You do not know writing," the assassin began. "You will always be a hack if you dismiss any review that does not begin with praise."
"I'm not writing for you," Slash replied coolly. "Likewise, I'm not going to allow your words to poison my lands in the form of a review if it's just to gather attention. Your first tirade, and the little Nativity clone's, have already been purged from the land, and it has been cleansed."
"Then continue your work if you wish," Alpha Xi spat bitterly, "but you still have not learned what the art of being a writer is, nor what makes good plot."
Incensed by this last comment, Slash replied: "I am quite happy with my writing style, and I know what criticism is supposed to be. You and Jack Nativity think that my writing needs to change because it's too 'EPIC', and that already discredits you. You did not get into the world I have made, which any critic has to do before they can be effective or legitimate. And your friend was right: I should not have replied to you at all."
With this last sentence complete, Slash raised his sword to behead his foe, but as it swung out, the sword was stopped dead by a spear's haft. Slash looked up and met Nativity's eyes beneath the latter's helmet. As the assassin mentioned some last words, he was warped away by magicks unknown, but no words were spoken otherwise.
"Since continuing to fight further will only hurt someone else, which was not my intention, I will take my leave," the steely voice of Nativity rang, cooler than ice. "I will part with a warning: you do not understand criticism or good writing, even after I tried to explain it to you. You do not understand the purpose of art and editorializing. I was here to help you, not hinder you, but you desired to face me as an enemy. Not a concerned harbinger of art, but an enemy. I will cause no further trouble to you or your flock: continue as you will. May you someday learn to write."
That said, Jack Nativity brought his ghostly chariot back into the cloud he rode on, and the nimbus began to roll away, giving way to a natural night. All of Slash's allies were silent, but as if bolstered by the dark warriors' exeunt, Slash Firestorm confidently shouted one last cry to the heavens.
"You could never help me, Nativity! Not with your ignorance of my story and willingness to immerse yourself in the Pokémon world I have modified and created with a part of me. My work was everyone's work: my fans helped me, my allies assisted me, and my closest friends aided me. You and your kind, the ignorant, the unable to read, the pitiful realists... You cannot help my story develop, or help me improve. That is because you could not understand, with all of your hate towards the story's erotic content, that a critic or editor must like the material before reviewing it. You would never know what I planned, because you don't know anything! I was not a self-insert! My plot was not predictable! My style is my own! May you someday learn to read!"
The battle, which had raged on for a number days and nights, had drawn to a close. The besieged fans within the castle had exited, and to celebrate the victory, a weary Slash called for a holiday for all. The horrors of the war were quickly forgotten by the tenth of August as the fans giddily compared the visions of one of the story's characters as being perfectly accompanied by Coldplay's latest hit, Viva la Vida, as a soundtrack.
Life had returned to normal for the land of reviews, but the very same invaders of Slash's dream world had catalogued the war that had raged and brought them to the occult and all-knowing range of Encyclopedia Dramatica, where the battle between lulz and fail was stored forever. Their reasoning was that someday Slash Firestorm would regret keeping memories of the war that would open old wounds and bring along new clouds of darkness to his peaceful land, and maintaining a record of the battle as e-history would be essential for veracity. Only time will tell what happens from here, when the information is compiled and presented...
TL;DR EPIC version: An anonymous reviewer posted in the reviews, saying Slash's writing ability sucked, and that the posting was done not because of the Poképorn, but rather because the EPIC was atrocious. Slash got butthurt and replied with anger. The anonymous reviewer, naming himself Jack Nativity, replied again, but Slash's second reply was dismissive and said the reviews were "TL;DR". Nativity replied one more time curtly and Slash got pissed, telling Jack that he was just a troll and had nothing of worth to say because he didn't immerse himself in the story. At this point, two more reviewers, Alpha Xi and Not Jack Nativity, Honest, popped up to give their own two cents. Their replies got promptly deleted, so Alpha Xi delivered a last parting shot or two and Slash replied to him, deleting the true final comment. Jack Nativity also gave one last post insulting Slash Firestorm, but gave Slash the last word and told him he'd not bother him anymore (in the review page). Slash replied to him and finished the matter, thinking he pwnzorzed them.
Gallery of Failure
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Jack Nativity hits fast and hard, but lacks the "oomph" of his anonymous comment. -
Jack rolls a 1d20 to troll and gets a critical miss. Typical. -
NOT A SELF-INSERT! REALLY! -
Proof that he isn't a self-insert. Truth is stranger than fiction.
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You can only help Slash if you suck his cock. Fact. -
Slash loses his patience and tells Jack to GTFO. -
The typical comments Slash gets. -
Punctuation is optional, kids! -
The chances of Sinners winning awards can be represented by this thumbnail's size. -
Don't read this post. Seriously, don't do it. -
PROTIP: Want to become gay or bi the easy way? Just read some yaoi fanfics and like them instead of reflecting on your identity as a human being! -
I can't take more EPIC than I've already had, thanks. -
Dogs are sentient too. Slash fails again. -
A CHALLENGER APPEARS! Too bad his first post got BALEETED before it was screencapped. -
You. Are. A. Troll! -
If he was a troll, he knows he failed just now. -
A random troll's deleted comment voicing the inevitable... -
...And Slash takes the bait like the lol-cow he is. -
Alpha Xi uses Reason! It's not very effective... -
He didn't create Sinners, everyone did! We are all guilty! -
Slash's mind cannot be breached. Jack bows out like the wussy he is. -
Why improve or listen to valid criticism when you are adored by a mindless legion of retards? -
Getting your balls zapped by a taser repeatedly would be preferable to this. -
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![subtle]] jabs on paragraph one.](/images/thumb/a/a8/Dropping_the_Hint.png/120px-Dropping_the_Hint.png)
subtle]] jabs on paragraph one. -
At least one admitted he has poor taste. -
It never occurred to Slash that the "trolls" may have been together. -
A random reader tries to add lulz to this page and fails. Nice try! -
Pokémon and child rape: fun for the whole family! -
Dissect this post and it sounds a hell of a lot like a confession.
![subtle]] jabs on paragraph one.](/File:Dropping_the_Hint.png){kind=small}
See Also
External Links
- The EPIC base of operations.
- The once-peaceful, unfunny e-land that became a battleground between the forces of lulz and fail.
His ED User Page.Old ED- Another Gardefag FanFictioner?! A challenger appears (but, this time, with better skills).
- His MySpace. About as appealing as you'd expect it to be.
slashfirestorm His LiveJournal. The comments will melt your brain.]- His Newgrounds page, sealing the Trifecta of Fail.
- His Obama blog, but it's been dead since mid-2007.
- Should something possess you to look at his Photobucket account, here it is.
- Important information Slash should be aware of.
- Part one of understanding art on the tubes.
- Part two of understanding art on the tubes.
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