Jesus

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Jesus Fucking Christ

IRL Jesus (minus the retarded look)

Jesus Christ^✡ was a deeply deluded apocalyptic Jew who committed suicide by cop to bring about the End of the World. Probably the son of Joseph, the main character of the sequel to the Jew Bible, and also known as "The Perfect Man", Jesus was even more successful than Harry Potter (and just as fake) and one could even say that he performed the role of Luke Skywalker for 1900+ years. He will be forever remembered in the Mediterranean Literature Hall of Fame, number 1 in Romantic Pocket Novels and for being a massive fag.

According to the Bible, Jew was God's magic flying pinko commie Jew son, who could rise from the dead as Socialists do. He was featured as a Mary Sue character in a shitty Jewish slashfic called the Bible, even though all he did was troll on ppl IRL, and eventually got killed for pissing everybody off (See Trolling). All his apostles pretended he had risen from the dead, but they really just had sex with the corpse. He also had many fanbois over the years, and was the inspiration for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust. Jesus is also personally responsible for every sports championship ever, but with a preference for nude Brazilian man meat.

Life and miracles of the father of all trolls; read and learn

Nativity: The birth of a troll

Coincidentally born on Christmas day in the year 0 D.C.(During Christ) to Mary and, if the rumors are true, God, (a paternity test is pending) with the Holy Spirit acting as jizz. According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") was born in Bethlehem (meaning "house of bread" in both arab and hebrew through the original syriac, one more reason for catholics to now eat their god) in a barn (more reasons) and then placed in a manger (even moar reasons) because his cheated step-dad, Joseph, was too Jew to get a room for his 9 month pregnant wife. Rumor says Mary and Joseph were about to eat their new-born dinner when they were interrupted by three guys that had followed a bright alien space ship to Bethlehem and proceed to gave Jesus gold, incest, and embalming fluids.

Little is known of Jesus' childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. But according to the Infancy Gospel of St Thomas, the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognizing his divinity for the lulz.

Ministry: The trolling begins

Jesus telling his disciples to GTFO

As an adult, Jesus became something of a New Age guru, and is widely considered to be the first hippie. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby making him the first raver also. And he also taught that people should live without many possessions - and the possessions they did have they should be open to sharing them - which also made him the first commie. He had a group of fanboys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool, but Jesus really thought they were all pretentious douchebags that didn't understand a shit of what was teaching.

32 AD: Jesus preaching his message of love.

Jesus usually travelled from town to town, telling the people that they were doing it wrong and saying the exact opposite thing they expected him to say. This caused much trouble with the Pharisees and Sadducees and caused his rejection many times. He once narrowly escaped death in his own town.

Other notable events include:

• The trip to the Temple of Jerusalem, where he began flagelling money changers, calling them 'mice of vipers'.

The Last Shooper

• The Last Supper, where he literally gave 'his body' to his disciples to eat and to drink. Catholics reenact this act every sunday, if possible with little children.

Crucifixion: Trolls trolling trolls

Accurate representation of the crucifixion by the Israeli TV:

Well?!?

TL;DR Jews did Jesus

Although there is no consensus about who is to blame for the act of douchery, it is easy to see that along with all the other atrocities in the world's history (including the invention of ZIMA and The View), it's the Jews' fault. The motives for this pwnage seem obvious, but over the last few years we have learned about the culture of these Seinfeld-worshiping kikes and further evidence points to the fact that these fuckers probably did it simply for teh lulz did it for teh Jew gold .

Teh fax:

In 33 AD (After Drama) Jesus became an hero when he pissed the Jew leaders for telling the truth about their greed, hypocrisy, lies and Jewishness in general. They then proceed to bribe one of his disciples, Jewdas, to betray him for 30 irresistible Jew golds (PROTIP never trust a Jew).

Being too pussies to kill him personaly they manipulated the Roman governor to do the dirty job by telling that Jesus was ploting against them. The Romans proceeded to nail him to a piece of wood with a banner that read I.N.R.I wich is the Latin acronym for IDIFTL. Two hundred eye witnesses to Jesus' crucifiction claim they witnessed Jesus having an erection. After three days, he died. Goodnight sweet prince (lol pwned). Please note that over 9000 other criminals were also nailed to a piece of wood to die, however noone makes a big deal about the crucificatiownage of someone they don't care about.

There were over 9,000 Jews present at the IRL permabanning of our lord and savior, and noone of them step out to save him, not even his disciples.

According to the Bible, though, the Jews killed Jesus as a human sacrifice to Yahweh to lift some curse on them. Yahweh loves blood sacrifices since the time when Abel gave him the first blood offering and Yahweh rebuffed Cain's plant offering. In return for the Jews killing Jesus as a human sacrifice, he made all Jews rich and gave them control of all the banks and the media. Though as Yahweh never has enough of innocent blood Jews have to satisfy him with continious secret human sacrifices that they perform with Christian babies all the time - it's true! Ask Iran or Mel Gibson! or with massive human sacrifice such as when the Jews flew remote-controlled airplanes into the twin towers and then collapsed the buildings with mini hydrogen bombs.

Europeans have never been able to forgive the Jews for unleashing their proselytist Jewish sect upon them, despite all recent efforts of redemption.

To all Christians, since Jesus died to redeem your sins, you should thank the Jews for making this happen.

Resurrection: And nothing of value was lost

Technically, all Christians are necrophiliacs.

According to the bible, Jesus rose from the dead. The bible says this because the Apostle's stole the body, and then trolled everyone that they'd all seen him and he'd risen from the dead- honest! Billions bought, and still buy this massive troll!

Modern Christians celebrate this by telling their children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.

Lulzy quotes from Jesus

	“	Men think, perhaps, that it is peace which I have come to cast upon the world. They do not know that it is dissension which I have come to cast upon the earth: fire, sword, and war.	„
	—L16, Gospel of Thomas

	“	If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.	„
	—Matthew 5:29

New Testament: The great edit war

The life and times of Jesus were recorded much like a Wikipedia article, that is, biased. Nearly all the work was done by his four biggest fanboy editors — User:Matthew, User:Mark, User:Luke and User:John — shortly after his death. Later, arguing vandalism by the Gnostics, the article was protected by a basement-dweller admin named Peter. Massive talk pages named councils were held, and the approved version of the text became the New Testament canon. Then, any content considered unsourced, original research, or simply not according to their view was baleeted and the editors banned. Being butthurt about this, many editors continued to write their own accounts of the events, eventualy creating what is now called the Apochrypha, which is like the Encyclopedia Dramatica of the Bible, that is, full of truth, drama and, ultimately, lulz.

Marketing

Initial sales were stagnant, however, and so after conducting numerous focus groups and hiring many expensive consultants, the title was changed to Jesus: The Reckoning. Subsequent sales skyrocketed, thereby propelling the publisher — Catholic Church, Inc. — into global prominence.

Today, with Jesus fandom on the wane, The Reckoning is typically published as an anthology in conjunction with the so-called "Old Testament". This saves on printing costs, and has served to bolster sales, though one may still need to order the book at Amazon since many bookstores have stopped carrying it.

The last part of the book, called Revelations, talks of the Armageddon, where God pwns and gets all the lulz.

Is ED the second coming of Christ?

YES

First of all, ED appeared more or less 2000 years after the nativity of Jesus, at around the same month, December. Like Jesus, it was attacked by people that could not understand its hidden wisdom. Both had a common enemy, and like Christ, it was betrayed by one of its closest followers because of the same thing. After its death (both in April], appeared false prophets but it resurrected to restore the true message.

How to Pluralize

• Incorrect: "Jesii" ("Hey, Ma! I went to the church and got me a whole lotta them Jesii.")
• Correct: "Jesoi" ("There are fifteen Jesoi in the Bible. By the way, my good man, did you happen to go to that Noam Chomsky lecture the other day? I was too busy translating Etruscan.").

The American Jesus

How everything was created. Love + Magic

Facts

• Jesus was a nigger.
• Jesus makes a cameo in the Koran but he's not Allah's son and Allah only makes it look like he was crucified, so what was the fucking point?! apparently he comes back on judgment day to kill the infidels and restore justice.
• Makes celebrity appearances on bread.
• The Beatles were bigger than him. And got more pussy.
• Knows his cunnilingus.
• Jesus was meant to return last year in an immaculate conception but was aborted.
• Is not allowed within 50 feet of any public school in both New York State and Oregon.
• Jesus does not like to be fucked in the wristholes or footholes.
• Jesus says that he was too drunk at the time to remember turning water into wine, but also says he thinks it was actually Jack Daniel's because wine is for pussies.
• Jesus occasionally guest-stars on TV's South Park. Nobody is sure if he's making good on a bet or if he's just hard up for cash.
• Any person living in that area during Jesus' time would have had the skintone of an Arab. Be sure to tell Christians this as the thought of a black Jesus will drive them batshit insane.
• The purpose of Israeli special forces Mossad is to prepare for Jesus' return so that he can be killed again.
• Was a JEW and by de facto did WTC.
• Was not only a jew but the jews' instrument to control all Monotheists except the Zoroasthrians.
• If Jesus is the Messiah, David Koresh is the Lord of the Universe.
• Was responsible for your childhood pet dying and is torturing it as we speak.
• Had no sense of humor.
• Hated Jay-Jay the Jet plane.
• Was bigger than Jesus.

Rule 34

"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member.

My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts!

My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..."

And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child."

My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands.

It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?"

And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this *is Heaven..."

Sexual

• Getting a good hot dicking from Jesus cures all disease, except for AIDS. Because God hates niggers.
• ATM with Jesus tastes like strawberries and whipped cream.

Example

"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member. My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts! My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..." And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child." My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands. It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?" And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this is Heaven^©..."

Second Cumming

Nuff said

Car Accident

Recently, Jesus Christ has been hit by a car, if only he had got into that car when the lion showed up. We believe he forgave the driver. [1]

Bel-Air

Now this is a story all about how my

Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the prince of a town called Bethlehem

In west Jerusalem born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool
And all converting some Hebrews outside of the school
When a couple of guys they were up to no good
They tried to nail me to a cross of wood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
And said, "You're going on a 26 year absence somewhere”

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said God and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to God's heir!"

I pulled up to the temple about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later
Looked at my kingdom I was finally used

To sit on my throne as the prince of the Jews.

Shitty videos not even worth watching

The Musical

Whilst returning back on Earth, Jesus made his own musical. Fortunately he was pwned by an oncoming bus:

The Real Jesus: The Zombie Jesus

Too many butthurts.

In the Bible

	“	Jesus is gonna break your face!	„

Lol Jesus

"lol Jesus" is a meme where Jesus speaks l337speak and pwns people with the fact he is Jesus.

Galleries

Holy pix About missing Pics

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  From the big wig himself!
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  Jesus not only created the Jewnited States of America he also spoke fluent english.
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  Jesus in his most famous film role.
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  He really booked it, the disciples then lied to cover it up.
• Fuck you Jesus! You are not taking my fix again.
  Fuck you Jesus! You are not taking my fix again.
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  Nigger
• 'twas ever thus
  'twas ever thus
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  Proof that there is such a thing as black Jews
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  All-in-One Almighty Jesus
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  JESUS CHRIST IS A LION!
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  Jesus loves the little children...
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  Jesus macking on the ladies.
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  Jesus played real sport.
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  He was a self-hating Jew.
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  No More Nails tries a new advertising campaign.
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  The death of Christ has been a meme since the dawn of time.
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  Jesus celebrating Halloween
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  Cut your hair and get a job, you hippy!
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  Jesus teaching a boy to be a man by gently throatfucking him.
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  Often mistaken for Black Jesus, this is actually just a really good idea for dealing with the common, non-deified Nigra.
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  Furries have their own version of Jesus. Furry Jesus also has dragon wings for the dragon furries.
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  Jesus Christ and a Friend.
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  Jesus was drowned in piss for our sins.
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  Ever wonder what the expression meant?.
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  Jesus loves babies. A lot.
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  Christians should look closer at pictures of Jesus. Here, he lets kids touch his cock. (Not that there's anything wrong with that).
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  Even Jesus needs to put food on the table.
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  Jesus was down with the kids, see pedophile.
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  Jesus at his day job.
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  Jesus was in fact, a cockmongler.
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  Jesus enjoyed his crucifixion immensely.
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  The Church after cartoons depicting Muhammad were released.
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  "It is more blessed to give than to receive" Acts 20:35
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  "Jesus loves the little children, all the girls and boys..."
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  With the Jackhammer Jesus dildo, Christ will make you come again.
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  Jackhammer Jesus now in steel for deeper penetration.
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  Be filled with the Spirit of the Lord.
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  The Last Supper if Jesus was black.
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  Jesus shagged Welsh tart Mary Magdalene - fact.
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  Unfunny lolcat shit.
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  Jesus doubts the power of a dog.
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  Peace be with you...
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  Jesus is a loli.
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  Jesus makes an appearance on Second Life.
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  Something is wrong with this picture.
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  *Fixed
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  "Hi, it's Jesus. Could you do me a favor and stop being a giant faggot? K, thanks."
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  Jesus holding his brother.
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  He Drived for our sins.
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  Jesus spanks 16 year old girls who fap in bed.
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  Kitkat Jesus
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  Furry Jesus
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  Even Jesus Thinks Your a Dumbass.
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  Love thy neighbour.
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  What happens when Christians like Naruto.
• I <3 Jesus
  I <3 Jesus
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  Jesus in his latest manga issue.
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  4chan is doing it best, as usual
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  I am in your crucifixion buzzkilling your d00d.
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  Saying the word 'Jesus' on earth is just like saying 'Voldemort' in the wizarding world.
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  Christ, in his final form: Leonard Maltin.
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  Jesus was a disco enthusiast
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  Known fact
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  Jesus looks like Johnny Depp: Also fact
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  He started the self-injury trend.
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  Can you see Jesus?
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  Jesus and Jim Carey in a Golf Cart! Best Frands?!
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  Jesus as seen from the eyes of gamers.
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  Jesus touched me..
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Gallery of Jesus with Guns About missing Pics

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  Guns don't kill people; Jesus kills people.
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  Jesus showing off his gats.
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See Also

• BDSM
• Bible
• Black Jesus
• Cancer Jesus
• Jesus is Hitler
• Jesus Tortilla
• Jesus With You, Always
• Mary Sue
• Moses
• Muhammad
• Necrophilia
• Passion for christ movement
• Raptorjesus
• Santa Claus
• Superman
• Tom Cruise
• Zombie

Links

• Loljesus.com
• Super Saiyan Jesus
• Jesus RPG Adventure video game
• Free Jesus-based iPhone?
• Jesus' DNA
• Jesus now has a MySpace.
• Seeing Jesus H. Christ
• Jesus is a hated celebrity.
• Welcome to Enlightenment!
• Mormon Jesus.

Jesus is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

Jesus is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

Jesus is part of a series on The History of The Lulz

[Shut UpSing Me The Song Of My People] In Chronological Order 399BC: First recorded troll-banning 0AD: Knock knock! Who's there? It's Jesus, LOL 571: Birth of Muhahahahahammed 600: Blood orgies 1077: Invention of the meme archive 1100: DEUS VULT! 1337: Start of the Hundred Years War 1492: The Americas are culturally enriched 1573: Tycho doesn't invent the funny webcomic 1605: Guy Fawkes invents terrorism. 1789: The beret is mightier than the crown 1801: Invention of the Triforce 1850: World's first OH EXPLOITABLE image 1865: End of the Nigger Market 1877: Trolling world record broken 1888: First successful mixing of hookers and lulz 1914: World War 1 1927: Teh f1rst sk00l sh00ting 1939: World War 2 1944: The Lollercaust doesn't happen 1945: "Nag? Naga? Well... it's nagonna be there tomorrow that's fore sure." - Harry S Truman 1948: Best Korea is founded (along with Good Korea) 1955: America gets BTFO 1960: Awesomeness of swords discovered 1963: CIA did JFK 1987: First televised An Hero 1993: World Wide Web becomes available, Waco 1999: Counter Strike played IRL 2000: End of teh world due to computer errors. 2001: Bush, Saudis, and Jews do WTC 2004: ED founded 2005: Katrina and 7/7 2007: Cho Seung-Hui becomes the King of School Shooters 2011: Utoya Island Swimming School is opened 2013: ISIS founded 2015: Paris Attacks 2016: Donald Trump is elected president of the United States. (For the lulz.) 2017: Country music is back 2019: First livestreamed kebab removal