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Butthurt
Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale is the most stupid movie on the face of the earth. In this movie which rips off Charlotte's Web a pampered, pot-bellied, pea-brained piglet named Walt eats his mom's pie and says that aliens did it, then he breaks her favorite pot and says that a ghost did it, and then he says that he did his homework but it ate the dog when he really didn't even do it. Then a snake called Noiman Ja Rahr comes along and tries to take Walt to Viperwood and make him a star when Ja Rahr really just wants bacon. So they tried to give it a moral but it was really just a money-making scheme.
If you want to see this pig sty of a mess of a piece of shit movie without paying any money for it just go here: The Worst Movies Ever - Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale (Part 1/5). Watch only with extreme caution, if you dare dare.
Characters
- Walter Pembroke III aka Walt the Pig – the main protagonist who's so retarded that he makes Patrick Star look like Albert Einstein. He's also so untalented that he makes Trina Vega look like the most talented person alive. He's a pampered and spoiled and stupid little piglet who eats his mom's pie and says that aliens did it, then he breaks her favorite pot and says that a ghost did it, then he says that he did his homework but it ate the dog when he really didn't even do it. Then a snake called Noiman Ja Rahr comes along and tries to take Walt to Viperwood and make him a star when Ja Rahr really just wants bacon. In Viperwood, Walt experiences many new things about life, such as butthurt and getting blown up. Ja Rahr's plan backfires, however, when two spiders and a wasp (who wishes he was a bee) arrive and save Walt from the slaughter house.
- Tiffany the Spider – the titular spider who saves Walt from being slaughtered and the deuteragonist. She is one of only two smart characters (the other is the snake).
- Crystal – another spider who hangs out with Tiffany.
- Noiman Ja Rahr – the main antagonist. The snake who tells Walt to go to Viperwood and be a star when he really just wants bacon. He is the only other smart character. He is also the only good character because he's trying to eat Walt and end us our suffering of Walt's annoyance.
- Esther – Walt's mom. She is so unlucky to have such a retard of a son that you just feel sorry for her.
- Gilbert - the wasp who wishes he was a bee. However, he meets a hedonist named Andre who tells him that he really is a bee. He doesn't believe it, however, until after he stings Ja Rahr to save Walt's butt.
- Penny – a chicken. When Walt says that his homework ate the dog she starts crying saying that her cousin Henry was an excellent student but then one day he disappeared. Then when Tiffany says the farmer ate him and that that is why all her relatives go missing on Sundays she just wails louder. She and Walt should have just been eaten by the snake already.
- Mr. Wigglesworth – a horse who speaks with a British accent and makes racist remarks about spiders. Isn't that nice?
- Venom - another snake and Ja Rahr's supposed love interest. Speaks like a valley girl.
Reception
The severely mentally handicapped creator of the movie, Michael Schelp, spent a whopping $9,000 trillion making the movie and edited it with Windows Movie Maker. He wrote the script in five hours but spent another three days revising it, to make sure there were enough fart jokes and racist remarks by the horse in the movie. When asked about the value of the movie, considering the universal hatred of his previous ones, he simply stated "huuurrrr duuurr huurrr".
Everybody hated it; it scored 0% at Rotten Tomatoes with an average rating of -9 thousand percent out of 100. Homer Simpson formed a mob and they all attacked the creator Michael Schelp, who screamed like a baby, shat himself, tried to run away, and later killed himself. The only person ever to give this movie a rating above 0% was a retarded whore who hadn't actually seen the movie and was too stupid to even comprehend it even if she had seen it. In fact, she rated it 100% on her Rotten Tomatoes account. Then she got suspended from YouTube because she clicked "I like this" when the video clearly stated "Do NOT click the thumbs up button", because only someone actually stupider than Walt the Pig could like this movie. Later, the angry mob found out where she lived and killed her. Currently, users on MySpace will murder anyone who attempts to disgrace the site by uploading parts of this video. When they are through, they return to their Britney Spears videos with a wary eye, prepared to lash out upon the next unfortunate n00b who dares upload even a small potion of the movie without accompanying commentary about how much it sucks.
In October of 2006, a woman who was in attendance at an early screening began to throw up and violently shake, apparently suffering from a stroke. At the hospital she exclaimed "I'll never laugh again!" and she is currently undergoing extensive therapy. Michael Schelp is being sued for "Extensive emotional damage". Also following the early screening of the movie, a riot broke out, and several people were severely injured.
For others attending the early screening, the movie was not received, yes, it was not received. Besides those that put a suicide pill in their drinks before seeing the movie, all others left their cinemas in disgust after watching the first joke. We do not have closure on what the certain joke was, but we have an estimate that it involved one of the following: The pig being blown up, a TV coming to life and attempting to eat him and his friends, a fart joke involving "methane gas" emitted by cows, something racist someone said, or something racist someone did.
The movie ended up costing $10,000 trillion dollars to make, adding an extra 10 thousand for the fart jokes and racist remarks, and I stole all the profits. As the talking Po doll would say, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, BITE MY BUTT, Michael Schelp.
It was latter proven that the movie was so mindbogglingly bad that it was released Direct-to-DVD by The Asylum under the disguise Spark Plug Entertainment. An IMDb user review describes it best: "You'd Rather Receive Oral Sex From A Piranha Than Watch This Piece Of Painful Crap!" Another review also states that it "Makes Delgo look like Toy Story 3" or "Doogal like How To Train Your Dragon". And yet another also called it "The Disaster Movie of animation". Many others think of it as being to Charlotte's Web what The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure is to Teletubbies: A completely crappy knock-off of a popular kids' show/movie/book. So if you're thinking that it can't be that bad, it can. And it is. Don't believe me? See for yourself!
Box Office
The movie broke the record for the biggest box office bomb, and held onto that record until it was broken again by The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure. It's still the lowest rated, most hated movie of all times on all of Rotten Tomatoes. (they gave The Oogieloves 29% from critics, and 60% from the audience).
Soundtrack
There was no soundtrack it is all a lie.
See Also
- The Amazing World Of Gumball - Another shitty cartoon about aspie furries.
- The Asylum - The company responsible.
- Uwe Boll - The uncredited co-director.
- Shit no one cares about - What people think of both this movie and its article.
- Twilight - It's just as stupid, but there are actually people who care about it.
- Unfunny - Speaks for itself.
- Victorious - They both have untalented nobodies.
- WOLFABOO: The Movie - Also another shitty cartoon with furries and a similar premise.
- Electric Boogaloo
External Links
- Rotten Tomatoes page
- Profile at IMDb
- The trailer
- EPIC FAIL!
- Commentary about how much it sucks
- Commentary #2
- Commentary #3, by a bunch of stoned hippies who actually LIKE the movie. God save us all!
- Movie review
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Butthurt is part of a series on Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage. |
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Butthurt is part of a series on Aspies. | [Sperg out] |
