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Soviet Canuckistan
Canæda (also known as America's Fro, Diet America, America Junior, or America's Retarded Cousin) is a frozen wasteland where all the population crowd the southern border because they want nothing to do with the rest of it (see above). Canadians like to brag that they are the world’s largest nature preserve for resources, which are stripped bare and shipped straight to the US. Too bad it's the only thing it's good for. Because of severe brain trauma resulting from junior hockey and the near complete lack of culture in Canæda, it's population is known to have an average IQ just slightly above that of South Carolina.
Ironically however, Canædians haven't yet realized that nobody cares their British allies slightly stained the White House one million years ago. Every year, the tale of the "Great 1812 patriotic war against the imperialist Americans" is told and retold to small children until they cry. A small band of fat reenactors then "defend" sacred Canædian land until the first case of Angina sets in.
Canædia is exactly like the United States except without all of the entertainment,technology, culture, tolerable climates and guaranteed civil rights, which makes it, understandably so, an extremely boring country to live in. However, notable differences are that Canædia is always big and juicy, it has a different currency and it even had it's own Frenchfags. Many LJ users are from Canædia. It is hated by the Westboro Baptist Church due to its high population of homosexuals. Of course, the average person doesn't know Canada exists.
Canædians think their beer is better than American beer, simply because of the fact that it has more alcohol in it. What they don't realize is that the alcohol content difference between Labatt and Molson is about 1%; however, since typical American beer is 4% alcohol by volume, and the typical Canædians beer is 5% by volume, this means that Canadian beer has 25% more alcohol by volume than American beer. Because of the shithole wasteland Canædia is, it's important Canædian beer be more potent. The constant drunken state the average Canadian stays in, ensures they never realize the truth about their barren sheet of ice resulting in a minimal amount of Canadians immigrating and infecting their superiors to the South. The slight difference in average IQs between the two country's populations are more than negated by Canadia's socialist education system which has ensured that most Canadians can do simple math. Canadians are especially good at doing simple math in order to calculate how much alcohol they are ingesting or how much tax they will pay. Using the metric system facilitates their ability to do basic math, so Canædians can also figure out whether or not they are driving over the speed limit (because the AIDS that has infected most of them via buttsecks, has damaged their sense of sight enough that they can no longer read speedometers).
Government
Until GOP fanboy leader Stephen Harper came to power after performing a successful mind meld/Blowjob on Rick Mercer, Canædia was officially governed by the Rhinoceros Party of Canædia.
Long known for its population's weakness and propensity for cutting, Canædia has instituted a Communist healthcare system. Canædians make $13.62 a year after paying taxes and welfare to raghead-immigrant terrorists, and then are tarded enough to think their healthcare is “free.” This means that while no one has to directly pay for medical treatment, Canædians have a tax rate of 109%. However they do spend less per capita on health-care than the Dumbfuckingstan, but that's because Canædian health-care is substandard at best. There are plentiful and free abortions, resulting in both low crime rates and decreased niggerdom, proving there is an upside to being poor. So if you're into Goatse and your anus rips you can get stitched back together for free. That is if your dentures don't fall through your ass first while waiting for your sub-standard treatment. Plus the free medium-grade drugs aren't that bad either. The USA is nice enough to extend a hand in friendship by giving Canada its Crack and keeping the good stuff for Ru-Paul.
In addition, it is the decree of Canædia's Archbishop of Health Care that all Canædians must hoard flu shots for use as salad dressing and personal lubricant.
Canædia has the highest population of homosexuals of any country in the world. Using terrorist threats (specifically, Celine Dion), Gaynadians forced the Queen to legalize gay marriage, effectively ending Canædian society and instituting mass anarchy. While no one has yet been killed, there have been several "ambush makeovers". When gay marriage was legalized, many of the homosexuals decided to celebrate by building a large, penis shaped building in downtown Toronto. However, the Arabs later outdid the Gaynadan construction workers, by building an even bigger tower in Dubai; just going to show that they're trying to compensate for something that they desperately lack.
—Anonymous | ||
—Stephen Harper, Prime Fuckin' Minister of Canædia (When asked why he doesn't speak French) | ||
Geography and Economy
Canædia is the second-largest country on Earth in terms of land-area. That is, if you consider frozen water to be land. But since only about .01 percent of that land-area is not a permanently frozen shithole, this honor really doesn't amount to much. Plus, this benefit of a large landmass means little for defensive purposes. However, uneasy and intimidated Canædians sometimes spout out, "Our country is bigger than the US!" believing that this somehow means they are more powerful. Other Canædians just say this in attempt to salvage their pathetic Canædian dignity, even though they know full-well that if the US decided to, they could easily invade and conquer Canædia in a short amount of time (starting shortly after breakfast with "mission accomplished" sometime before lunch).
Canædia is always cold, so its primary export is ice and ice-related products (like ice hockey and iceberg lettuce). Canædia is also the world's primary producer of Slurpees, which, despite the weather, can be enjoyed from any of the country's several thousand 7-11 or Tim Horton's establishments. Often, Canædians use Slurpees to warm themselves on cold winter nights.
Canædia's other main export products include maple syrup, mediocrity, Rush, imaginary boyfriends, and shitty Celine Dion CDs. They did not want Dion in the first place, and deported her at one point to the USA, but since then have bought most of her back in the form of digital media. They use her to scare away caribou and heterosexual men.
Canædia is best known for being America's bitch in nearly all areas of economics. 99.99% of Canædia's national income comes from wealthy American tourists and investors while the other 99.98% of it comes from the mineral rights stolen from Lakotastan. They even get ecto-nomically bitchslapped by the USA, having only 1/3 as many ghosts per family household.
Basement Pot Farms account for about 110% of the average personal income and are the only sector of the economy still in private hands. This will end soon, however, since pot farms are to be imminently socialized and integrated into the Supreme Church of Healthcare and Discotheque.
Culture
Canædia is a cultural wasteland as they have none at all, but they insist people call their Eskimos by some made-up word that isn't even English: "Inuit", the politically correct, meaningful term for "Ice-Nigger". Canadia's proximity to, and extensive relations with America are the only reason anyone cares about Canædia. Sometimes Canædians like to pretend they're Brits by spelling things funny but even their Frenchfags have their own separatist homeland. Wussies. Some All Frenchfags have to raise shit every 5 years or so to make their balls feel big because even France doesn't want them back.
Their communist government, in order to pretend Canædia has something to say about itself, actually pays Canædians to be artists and documentary film-makers. They've managed to get their "art" into America via a method too subtle for America's Department of Homeland Security to detect - they give it away to the most obvious failure of American capitalism: PBS
One of Canædia's most cherished foods is apple-sauce.
In the 80s Canædia almost forced a coup d'État in American radio. They taxed themselves to bankruptcy in order to finance paying American radio stations to play Bryan Adams songs. They paid off rambling Rolling Stone commentators to give Bryan Adams good reviews, and gave free vacations to everyone at MTV if they would go along and pretend Bryan Adams was hip - as if the Canædian "Summer of 69" was anything other than pretending they weren't smelly expatriate draft-dodging American hippies. To this day the entire country lives off the royalty checks from the RIAA every time a Bryan Adams song gets played on a Fox reality show like "Skating with Celebrities".
But mostly they sit at home drinking beer and watching hockey or get on the Internet to bitch about everything. Canædians are generally bitchy because it snows all 365 days a year and their women are always bundled like beekeepers just to take a shit.
Canædians also invented the mullet decades before Americunt (white trash) ever did. This is not something they should be proud of. Canædia is also usually about 10 years behind America in culture. There is no Canædian culture. Just American re-runs and state propaganda. Fun fact: a lot of American television is made in Vancouver, Canædia.
Remembering Canada
The following is a list of what Canadia is remembered for.
In general
- Total Drama Island
- Having a military that models that of the French, but has the distinction of being far worse than even those pussies.
- Being close to the United States.
- Igloos in the north.
- Ricky, Bubbles, Julian and J-Roc (also known as The Fantastic Four)
- Playing Poker with beavers
- Murdering Ben Ferris in the forest
- Lumberjacks in the west (see Monty Python)
- The (unfunny) antics of the cast of Corner Gas in the Canædian Prairies which are not bigger than the Great Plains region of the US
- Newfies (Irish Wannabes) in the east.
- Trailer park meth labs (see "Newfies").
- Ed, Edd, n Eddy
- Finishing the shit the U.S. doesn't care enough to do in war.
Sports
- Beer drinking
- Hockey
- Basketball (failing at...)
- Pogroms
- Puffin-Fu
- "Curling" (only Canædians know what it is)
- Taking LSD and doing snow angels under the Northern Lights
- Chewing spouse's mukluks at dawn so they will be soft enough to wear
- Elk milking
People
- Rob Ford
- Deadmau5
- Celine Dion
- Jon Lajoie
- Mike Myers
- Mikelat
- Wolverine (It's where all of the military might and awesome went)
- Thing 1
- Avril Lavigne
- Terrance and Phillip
- Your mom
- Captian James T. Motherfucking Kirk.
- Nickelback
- Colin Mochrie
- Sum 41
- Captain Malcolm Reynolds
- Pedophilia
- Thing 2
- Djy1991
- Erotic Joe
- digital ph33r/digital queer (depends on preference)
- Hitler
- Jawsus
- The Kids in the Hall (trannies are meant to be laughed AT, not laughed WITH).
- Intrepid from Dumbass site Above_Top_Secret He is the pinnacle of Gay Canadian Elk Milkers.
- And last but not least, Justin Bieber herself.
Armed Forces
—Excerpt from Stephen Harper's address to the Canædian military | ||
Canædia's only military victories have been in WWI, WWII and against baby seals. But this means little because the United States paid for their entire war budget (including that of Britain, France and Russia) and supplied the then poverty-ridden Canædians with all of their weapons, supplies, ammunition, fapping material and food.
Smugly ignorant Canædians like to think Canada wasn’t part of Operation Oilraqi Freedumb, but when sand-nigger blood started flowing in Oilraq the Canædian Government cried and cried until Tard Ferguson let Canædian corporations dip their beaks in it. And if Operation Iraqi Faildumb was a for-profit atrocity committed by profiteers, Canædia was definitely a member of the Coalition Of The Willing To Kill Brown People For sweet Jew Gold.
Even in 1812 Canædians were wanna-be Americans; imitating America by vandalizing Washington only after the US had obliterated the city of York. (I also forgot to mention... Canædia won.) And Canædians have accomplished so little in the last two centuries that they still bring it up... all the time! The British burned down the White House... no wait they didn't, they only slightly tarnished it, and it stood standing, (being constructed of 100% solid Americunt faggotry, it is indestructible). This was a retaliatory act after Americans wiped York off the face of the Earth after it surrendered.
York (present-day Toronto) was Canædia's capital at the time, making it hilarious for Canædians to gloat about "burning down the White House" considering A) it didn't happen that way, B) The British had to do everything for them, C) the Canædian capital surrendered to US forces long before then, and D) it was the only partially successful objective completed out of four by the fascist side, meaning Canædia was pwned far harder than anyone else in that war...People are just too fucking lazy to pick up a history book, which is funny, because whenever Canadians bring up the fact "they burned down the White House (which they didn't, it was the British)," they always mention how Americans need to "learn their own history" or something hypocritical like that. US militia and regular forces attempted to invade Upper Canada, only to receive one of the most epic buttrapes in the history of war. To this day, Canadian women and children have nightmares of Andrew Jackson unleashing an unholy 1812 styled whoop-ass Americunt style.
Inexplicably, however, during international war games, Canædia seems to think they win every time (they enjoy taking close up pics of Amerifags ship hulls from their broke ass subs that are apparently fucking sneaky when they aren't on fire). I can't fucking figure it out. The answer probably lies in their machinery turning into high velocity shrapnel half the time. Fucking lowest bidder. Either that or they divided by zero.
Oh, and in WW I, they took Vimy Ridge, because it had a nice view.
Many in Canada think that it will help make the militay better by spending more money on it, but don't pay any attention to the fact that all they do is fight self destructing towels in the middle of a Desert.
Trivia
Canædia is bigger and it's on top. If North America were a prison, America would be Canædia's bitch (only in the minds of insecure Canædians though). In reality though, Alaska would be fucking Canædia in the ass while America railed Canædia's syrupy vagina. Whichever is easier for you to fap to.
If the World was a sitcom, Canædia would be America's annoying sister brother retarded cousin haircut.
Although most people outside of Canædia realize that Canædia barely has the qualifications to be considered a real country in the first place, Canædians are some of the most proud and patriotic people on earth. This is mostly a direct result of Canædia's government-controlled media where every newspaper, TV, show, and radio broadcast must meet a quota of pro-Canædian content, to create pride that otherwise couldn't exist. Were it not for this effort to instill Canædian pride and identity, Canædians would be virtually indistinguishable from the Americans that Canædians think are inferior to them.
Canædia's north contains a vast armada of woop shooping aeroplanes, capable of ionizing all who oppose them. They are cleverly disguised as snow. They are also made of snow.
Canædia has a vast hidden nuclear arsenal with ICBMs under every Tim Hortons.
Same-sex marriage is legal in Canædia. Yes, that means YOU can marry now.
Canædia has more chinks than whites. Except during anime conventions.
Canædia has always been known as a liberal country but now they can have their own pedofest due to the legal age of consent being a MONGO sized 14. Now we know what else there is to do in Canædia apart from dog sledding and building igloos.
Age of consent is no longer an epic 14, it is now 16. However, 12 and 13 year olds can fuck 14 and 15 year olds, while 14 and 15 year olds can fuck 19 and 20 year olds.
CONFIRMED: Canædia has one of the worst records in the world on enforcing laws against child-sex tourism.
Interestingly enough, Canadia is still one of the few countries where possessing loli is a v&able crime.
Important note
You want to conquer Canada? It's easy young reader. Just grab a hammer and gun, and declare war on Canada. Canada will instinctively use their French tactics to surrender to you, thus making you the King of Canada.
Videos
Previous Video | Next Video |
Drama
Those two words in this one vidya spawned major lulz when Canadians got butthurt when they saw it. This caused many National debates between butthurt Canædians and American patriots in the comment section of the video. Srsly, click for hours of lulz.
How To Troll A Canædian
- Ask them how York is doing if they ever mention burning down the White House
- Tell them their healthcare isn't free
- Insult Bryan Adams
- Tell them it smells like cow shit there
- Say that America is better
- Talk about pre-2000 horror movies on IMDb.
- Insult their hockey teams USE THIS WITH CAUTION OR THEY'LL START TO RIOT!
- Tell them that Canada isn't actually bigger in terms of land area than the United States as Canada has so many fucking lakes. They actually fall behind the US because of this. For that matter, mention China also beats them.
Gallery
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O Cannabis! -
The most recent idea for changes to the Canadian flag -
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Typical Canadian -
What a Canadian looks like.
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Typical Canadians home -
This will be the new Canædian flag in the future. -
The mythical ruler of the Canadian north.More like the Chinks who invaded CHINADA! -
In Canada, milk comes in bags. More like milk cums in fags, amirite? -
Bagged milk is cheaper, leaving us with more money to buy the things we love. (moar milk) -
DELICIOUS MILK. I MUST DRINK IT! -
O SHOOOOP-DA-WOOOOP! OUR HOME AND MAH LAZER! -
Something to do with Canadia. And boards. Excellent disc, unfortunately not of Canadia. -
What's next? Freedom Fries covered with cheese and gravy? -
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The Soviet Canuckistan Flag -
For Wapanese-Canadian -
From a very big "Pro Canadia" campaign in Germany. -
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"Canadian" is a race. -
Oh my, how original. -
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OM NOM NOM. -
Canadia's most influencal citizens -
The great Canadian terrorist. -
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This man was once the Dark Emperor of Canædia -
One of many failed Canædian super heroes. -
Canædian beer drinking team. -
It's his world. We just live in it. -
Lol, Canadians love hockey -
In 2010, Canada became the first country to have Pedobear in a Colonel format -
What the homeless do in London for money. Despite this, he still leads a more meaningful existence than Rootbrian. -
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Canada can into removing kebab
"Best Things About Canadia" Polls For Your Voting Pleasure
See also
Other External Links
- Liberal Party of Canada Tax Fetish Scandal!
- Canadia uses a strange alphabet ಠ_ಠ
- Another kind of bagged milk.
- Saskatoon Scanner A guy from Saskatoon, Sasquatcheewank, Canadia
- Canadia Chan
- Queerbec Chan
Diehard Palin fag, blames everything on Liberals and threatens to move to Canadia
52187497: canadia > all?
| Featured article January 10, 2006 | ||
| Preceded by Convention |
Canadia | Succeeded by The War of Northern Aggression |
| Featured article July 1, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by Lexi Bee |
Soviet Canuckistan | Succeeded by The Jewnited States of Americunts |