Botswana
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Botswana
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Warning! Botswanans who view this page might get seriously insulted. srsly |
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FACT ALERT: If you're from Botswana and you're reading this, you're most probably a nigger. |
— Some important fag in Botswana | ||
— Malema | ||
A Guide to Botswana
Botswana is home to many species of whites, blacks, coloreds and albinos. Landlocked in the middle of Africa, Botswana's main exported mineral is diamond, soon to run out due to lack of intelligence and financial planning. It is important to note that any country in Africa is home to some of the most dangerous animals people in the world. Botswana's main issue is HIV/AIDS, where most die before they get the chance to find transport to the hospital.
Botswana is well known for its tradition - drinking "Chibuku Shake - Shake" beer under a "Mopane" (a type of worm) tree. Most of the herd is of good nature, but there is a small minority which resort to stealing, raping, hustling and murdering. You can count on the police to attend to the issue in a couple of weeks and actually resolve it in possibly a year. There is no rush in Botswana, everyone works at different paces, some slower than others. This is just one reason as to why the development rate is slow, too.
Safety Guide to Botswana
Living in one of the most HIV/AIDS infected countries, it is important to stay on constant alert. It is because of this that we have constructed a Safety Guide to Botswana:
- Never eat your KFC in public, school or elsewhere. KFC is the most treasured fast food in Botswana and is regarded as higher than Jesus. In 2011, a study made by one of the students in the University of Botswana showed that people will either stab, mug or kill you for your chicken rather than ask you politely.
- The police are always delayed. Do not expect an instant response from the police or the home security guards. Remember, here we take our time, ekse!
- To all our first time visitors, do not walk into a bush in Botswana if you haven't got a pair. Rather ask a friend to walk with you.
- If you are white, never walk around by yourself.
- Always reply to each question/sentence with "ehh" if you don't know what he/she is asking. This can be achieved the proper way by delaying your tongue (as everything in Botswana is delayed) to "ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".
- Do not expect a fair deal from life insurance/bank loans. You will end up with much less than you anticipated to be with.
- Most of Botswana is bush. Expect a few bugs, insects and cattle (which roam around on the streets regardless of whether there is bush or not). Treat them like how you would treat your mother.
- Always wear a gas mask when approaching a village. A lot of "witch craft" is done in Botswana whereby you can get very sick if you cross the smell. You have to have adapted the "Botswanan nose".
Agreements Upon Arrival
By entering the desert, you agree to:
- Temperatures reaching a maximum of 40°C.
- The pace of the herd
- The thousands of cattle roaming the main roads each day
- A country with one of the highest HIV/AIDS rates in the world
- A country where
ChibukuFIFA 2012 comes first - An STD Nation
Blog Entries about Botswana
— A innocent girl in Botswana | ||
— A confused White male | ||
— Some Indian | ||
Inside Tips & Tricks To Botswana
Because we all love shortcuts and cheat sheets, here are a few ways you can save your ass from jail cells in Jwaneng.
- If caught speeding, you will obviously be issued a fine. To avoid this simply persuade the man/woman that you are in a hurry and it's for something important. Insist that you are broke, but tell them you can give them 100 bucks. They will then feel sorry for you and accept the bribe.
- If caught with Marijuana/the abuse of alcohol, simply pass the beer/blunt to the officer and consider it a done bribe.
- Stealing is made easy with low security control in shops like "Choppies - value for your money". If caught however, tell him you are not feeling well today and make sure you have enough to pay for it.
- Offer your colleague a piece of KFC. You will be able to control him forever.
A Personal Note From Someone Who's Black
yu niggaz fkin wit da rong country, we r original blacks. we r bettr den any oda country in africa. we will nt put up wit diz mahala, we diserve more credet. yu r all racist nd i hope yu get fuxed up hard! nxaaa dis ish izn't approppriete. stfu nigga
Well Known Issues In Botswana
Stupidity
The average Botswanan will ask the same question even after it has been explained to him/her. In simple terms, Botswana is just full of stupidity. This can be found in villages and especially in urban areas of cities like Gaborone.
HIV/AIDS Rate
But I'm sure you already knew this.
Bad Habits
This includes "throat scratching", eating with their mouths open, chewing with their mouths open, stealing, raping and snorting.
— An Asian | ||
Drunk Driving
Almost every Botswanan is under the influence of alcohol while driving right now. The police are supposedly doing everything they can to try and stop it, but when bail prices are as low as 50 bucks (or 10 cattle) it's obvious nothing is going to change any time soon.
Witchcraft
— smirnofforiginal | ||
Border Crossing
If you rent a car from South Africa and drive into the remote bush of Botswana (for example at Martins Drift border post) you have to pay for vehicle crossing. In 2007, P60 was required for a simple 4x4 vehicle. The money you pay is dependent on the size of the vehicle you drive. Fortunately, one of Botswana's very few advantages is that it accepts SA Rand as well. If traveling Botswana, make sure you travel early in the morning to prevent the traffic (or donkey carts). You might have to wait 2-6 hours if you decide to travel later.
Donkey Boiler
One of Botswana's very few inventions is the Donkey Boiler. This contains a rusted, big metal drum under which the fire is lit. Cold water is poured into the drum (also known as the donkey's body) through a funnel. The fire (along with hot Botswanan heat waves) heats the water inside the drum and the hot water goes to an outlet pipe (also known as the donkey's tail). This is one of the most basic ways of heating water in the world. However, an alternative is the sun.
2016
Botswana's main goal is to be an established, sloth ridden country by 2016. Unfortunately like most things in Botswana, this is not going to happen. As of now, Botswana's rape rate totally proves that 2016 is just a dream. A few arguments as to why 2016 will never happen can be found below:
Sexual Assaults
VICTIM BEGGED RAPIST TO USE PLASTIC BAG AS A CONDOM
A Tati-siding woman on Monday told a Francistown court how she begged an axe wielding man to use a plastic bag for protection when raping her in March last year. The 44-year-old mother said Herbert Jazire, 23 from Zimbabwe ignored her request to at least utilise a plastic bag as a condom and went on to have unprotected sex with her after robbing her of two cell-phones. She also alleged that the accused man attacked her with an axe before the rape. Identifying his attacker with a big cut under the left eye, the woman said the accused Jazire hit her with an axe on the thighs and arms before ripping off her under pants and raped her as she screamed for help at her Tati-siding field. She revealed that the accused just appeared from nowhere while she was chatting with someone over the phone and attacked her. “He demanded some money and when I explained that I had no money he took my phones. After the robbery he attacked me with an axe and unceremoniously unzipped his trousers, dragged me with my legs and ripped off my under pants. Although I begged him to at least use a discarded plastic bag for protection, he refused and just raped me without protection as I screamed for help,” the woman told court.
WIFE CLAIMS HUBBY RAPED THEIR TWO YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Police in Maun are investigating a case in which a 37- year- old woman of Thito ward is accusing her soon to be ex-husband of raping their biological daughter two years ago. According to information gathered by The Voice, the complainant from Tsau village in the North West District uttered those allegations recently at Francistown High Court after her husband filed for divorce. After the woman told court that her divorcing husband raped their now four year old daughter while she was two, the court postponed the divorce case proceedings and ordered investigations on the rape issue.
MAN HAS SEX WITH A STANDARD SIX PUPIL
A 22 year old man was all smiles recently after Maun Magistrate Clifford Foroma granted him bail pending appeal, five days after he was charged with defilement. Gaoduelwe Tubego of Thito ward in Maun was last week sentenced to 10 years imprisonment for defiling a standard six student in a toilet. However his attorney Charles Tlagae of Tlagae and Attorneys made an urgent application for bail to which the magistrate granted on Tuesday morning. The details of the case are that in the evening November 4 last year, the accused drove to the victim’s home and parked outside.
Strange Happenings
FAKE DOC ‘EXAMINED’ GIRLS PRIVATE PARTS
A man who falsely claimed to be a gynaecologist and intimately ‘examined’ three teenage women was in court last week charged with indecent assault. 34-year-old Pokano Gaethuse faces a further charge of impersonating a person in the public service after posing as a doctor in the gynaecology department of Letsholathebe II Memorial Hospital in Maun. He in fact works at the hospital as a welder. Pokano Gaethse is said to have so impressed his girlfriend with his boast that he was a practising gynaecologist at Letsholathebe II Memorial Hospital, that she referred three of her friends to him for treatment.
24-year-old Thabologo Sam repeated his claim earlier this week when he walked into The Voice offices in Francistown, but when contacted for a comment his mother dismissed her son’s bizarre claim as ‘madness.’ Mum Shathiso Sam who has never even seen the Head of State in person let alone been impregnated by him said: “The boy is just obsessed with the President and can even beat you when you say anything negative about him. He just came out with the idea earlier this year when he produced President Khama’s photo and said the man was his real father.”
The Butcheries Association in Maun has accused the veterinary department officers of letting the Maun Private Abattoir supply the community with Foot and Mouth Disease (FMD) meat. Speaking to The Voice recently the spokesperson for the association Taudi Lopang alleged that there have been cases of FMD reported at the abattoir but veterinary officers always turn a blind eye and never take action on the matter.
Rakgare who was recently suspended from the party for 60 days pending hearing over the comments he made on facebook about President Khama’s leadership resigned last week Thursday. “I heard that the disciplinary committee had already taken a common position that they wanted to expel me from the party, so I decided to quit,” Rakgare explained in a recent interview.
Get To Know Botswana
Here are a couple videos you might find interesting.
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