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Jesus
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Jewsus ChristJew was a deeply deluded apocalyptic Jew who committed suicide by cop to bring about the End of the World. Probably the son of Joseph, the main character of the sequel to the Jew Bible, and also known as "The Perfect Man", Jesus was even more successful than Harry Potter (and just as fake) and one could even say that he performed the role of Luke Skywalker for 1900+ years. He will be forever remembered in the Mediterranean Literature Hall of Fame, number 1 in Romantic Pocket Novels and for being a massive fag.
According to the Bible, Jew was God's magic flying pinko commie Jew son, who could rise from the dead as Socialists do. He was featured as a Mary Sue character in a shitty Jewish slashfic called the Bible, even though all he did was troll on ppl IRL, and eventually got killed for pissing everybody off (See Trolling). All his apostles pretended he had risen from the dead, but they really just had sex with the corpse. He also had many fanbois over the years, and was the inspiration for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust. Jesus is also personally responsible for every sports championship ever, but with a preference for nude Brazilian man meat. Jesus helped Microsoft obtain Bungie.net from Apple by amazing Bungie with his carpentry skills.
The Myth
Coincidentally born on Christmas day in the year 0 D.C.(During Christ) to Mary and, if the rumors are true, God (a paternity test is pending). According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") hatched out of a chocolate egg (as all Jews are) in a barn because his step-dad, Joseph, was Jew to get a room that night for his 9 month pregnant wife. Three guys with gold, incest, and embalming fluids followed an alien space ship to Bethlehem (meaning "house of bread" in bouth arab and hebrew through the original syriac, one more reason for christfags to now eat their god) where Jesus was located, because they heard he was the Jew King hatchling, and they were in deep trouble with their taxes.
Little is known of Jesus' childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. But according to the Infancy Gospel of St Thomas, the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognizing his divinity.
Jesus was believed to suck cock and take it in the coin slot. He was also believed to have secretly been the Jews whore who they shared and beat every Tuesday. As an adult, Jewsus became something of a New Age guru, and is widely considered to be the first hippie. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby making him the first Raver also. And he also taught that people should live without many possessions - and the possessions they did have they should be open to sharing them - which also made him the first commie. He had a group of guys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool, but Jesus really thought they were all douchebags.
In 33 AD Jesus became an hero when he pissed the Romans off by BAWWWWWing at them for losing his iPod. The Romans proceeded to nail him to a piece of wood, where he died (lol pwned). Please note that over 9000 other criminals were also nailed to a piece of wood to die, however noone makes a big deal about the crucificatiownage of someone they don't care about. Two hundred eye witnesses to Jesus' crucifiction claim they witnessed Jesus having an erection.
According to the bible, Jesus rose from the dead. The bible says this because the Apostle's stole the body, and then trolled everyone that they'd all seen him and he'd risen from the dead- honest! Billions bought, and still buy this massive troll!
Modern Christians celebrate this by telling their children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.
JEWS DID JESUS!
There were over 9,000 Jews present at the IRL banning of our lord and savior. Although there is no record of who exactly committed the act of douchery, it is easy to see that along with all the other atrocities in the world's history (including the invention of ZIMA and The View), it's the Jews' fault. The motives for this pwnage seem obvious, but over the last few years we have learned about the culture of these Seinfeld-worshiping kikes and further evidence points to the fact that these fuckers probably did it simply for lulz.
Since Jewsus was a Jew, he also did himself, which is why he's God's favorite son......ZOMG JESUS IS AN HERO!!!!
According to the Bible, though, the Jews killed Jesus as a human sacrifice to Yahweh to lift some curse on them. Yahweh loves blood sacrifices since the time when Abel gave him the first blood offering and Yahweh rebuffed Cain's plant offering. In return for the Jews killing Jesus as a human sacrifice, he made all Jews rich and gave them control of all the banks and the media. Though it might also be from the secret human sacrifices that Jews perform of Christian babies all the time - it's true! Ask Iran or Mel Gibson! Then there was the human sacrifice when the Jews flew remote-controlled airplanes into the twin towers and then collapsed the buildings with mini hydrogen bombs.
Europeans have never been able to forgive the Jews for unleashing their proselytist Jewish sect upon them, despite all recent efforts of redemption.
To all Christians, since Jesus died to redeem your sins, you should thank the Jews for making this happen.
The Musical
Whilst returning back on Earth, Jesus made his own musical. Fortunately he was pwned by an oncoming bus:
The Real Jesus: The Zombie Jesus
Too many butthurts.
In the Bible
Lol Jesus
"lol Jesus" is a meme where Jesus speaks l337speak and pwns people with the fact he is Jesus.
My Date With Jesus
—Some chrisfag |
Fanfic
The life and times of Jesus were recorded in fanfic form by his four biggest fanboys — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — shortly after his death. Later, their works were compiled by a basement-dweller nerd named Peter into the "New Testament". Initial sales were stagnant, however, and so after conducting numerous focus groups and hiring many expensive consultants, the title was changed to Jesus: The Reckoning. Subsequent sales skyrocketed, thereby propelling the publisher — Catholic Church, Inc. — into global prominence.
Today, with Jesus fandom on the wane, The Reckoning is typically published as an anthology in conjunction with the so-called "Old Testament". This saves on printing costs, and has served to bolster sales, though one may still need to order the book at Amazon since many bookstores have stopped carrying it.
The last part of the book, called Revelations, talks of the Armageddon, where God pwns and gets all the lulz.
Example
"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member. My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts! My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..." And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child." My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands. It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?" And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this is Heaven©..."
How to Pluralize
- Incorrect: "Jesii" ("Hey, Ma! I went to the church and got me a whole lotta them Jesii.")
- Correct: "Jesoi" ("There are fifteen Jesoi in the Bible. By the way, my good man, did you happen to go to that Noam Chomsky lecture the other day? I was too busy translating Etruscan.").
Facts
- Jesus was a black person.
- Jesus makes a cameo in the Koran but he's not Allah's son and Allah only makes it look like he was crucified,
so what was the fucking point?!apparently he comes back on judgment day to kill the infidels and restore justice. - Makes celebrity appearances on bread.
- The Beatles were bigger than him. And got more pussy.
- Knows his cunnilingus.
- Jesus was meant to return last year in an immaculate conception but was aborted.
- Is not allowed within 50 feet of any public school in both New York State and Oregon.
- Jesus does not like to be fucked in the wristholes or footholes.
- Jesus says that he was too drunk at the time to remember turning water into wine, but also says he thinks it was actually Jack Daniel's because wine is for pussies.
- Jesus occasionally guest-stars on TV's South Park. Nobody is sure if he's making good on a bet or if he's just hard up for cash.
- Any person living in that area during Jesus' time would have had the skintone of an Arab. Be sure to tell Christians this as the thought of a black Jesus will drive them batshit insane.
- The purpose of Israeli special forces Mossad is to prepare for Jesus' return so that he can be killed again.
- Was a JEW and by de facto did WTC.
- Was not only a jew but the jews' instrument to control all Monotheists except the Zoroasthrians.
- If Jesus is the Messiah, David Koresh is the Lord of the Universe.
- Was responsible for your childhood pet dying and is torturing it as we speak.
- Had no sense of humor.
- Hated Jay-Jay the Jet plane.
- Was bigger than Jesus.
Rule 34
"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member.
My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts!
My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..."
And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child."
My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands.
It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?"
And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this *is Heaven..."
Sexual
- Getting a good hot dicking from Jesus cures all disease, except for AIDS. Because God hates niggers.
- ATM with Jesus tastes like strawberries and whipped cream.
Second Cumming
Nuff said
Car Accident
Recently, Jesus Christ has been hit by a car, if only he had got into that car when the lion showed up. We believe he forgave the driver. [1]
Bel-Air
Now this is a story all about how my
Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the prince of a town called Bethlehem
In west Jerusalem born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool
And all converting some Hebrews outside of the school
When a couple of guys they were up to no good
They tried to nail me to a cross of wood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
And said, "You're going on a 26 year absence somewhere”
I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said God and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to God's heir!"
I pulled up to the temple about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later
Looked at my kingdom I was finally used
To sit on my throne as the prince of the Jews.
Galleries
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32 AD: Jesus preaching his message of love. -
Jesus not only created the Jewnited States of America he also spoke fluent english. -
Jesus in his most famous film role. -
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He really booked it, the disciples then lied to cover it up. -
Fuck you Jesus! You are not taking my fix again.
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Nigger -
All-in-One Almighty Jesus -
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The Last Shooper -
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Jesus macking on the ladies. -
Jesus played real sport. -
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No More Nails tries a new advertising campaign. -
The death of Christ has been a meme since the dawn of time. -
Jesus celebrating Halloween -
Cut your hair and get a job, you hippy! -
Jesus teaching a boy to be a man by gently throatfucking him. -
Often mistaken for Black Jesus, this is actually just a really good idea for dealing with the common, non-deified Nigra. -
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Jesus Christ and a Friend. -
Jesus was drowned in piss for our sins. -
Ever wonder what the expression meant?. -
Jesus loves babies. A lot. -
Christians should look closer at pictures of Jesus. Here, he lets kids touch his cock. (Not that there's anything wrong with that). -
Even Jesus needs to put food on the table. -
Jesus was down with the kids, see pedophile. -
Jesus at his day job. -
Jesus was in fact, a cockmongler. -
Jesus enjoyed his crucifixion immensely. -
The Church after cartoons depicting Muhammad were released. -
"It is more blessed to give than to receive" Acts 20:35 -
"Jesus loves the little children, all the girls and boys..." -
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With the Jackhammer Jesus dildo, Christ will make you come again. -
Be filled withthe Spirit ofthe Lord. -
The Last Supper if Jesus was black. -
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Unfunny lolcat shit. -
Jesus doubts the power of a dog. -
Peace be with you... -
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Jesus is a loli. -
Jesus makes an appearance on Second Life. -
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Something is wrong with this picture. -
*Fixed -
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"Hi, it's Jesus. Could you do me a favor and stop being a giant faggot? K, thanks." -
Jesus holding his brother. -
He Drived for our sins. -
Jesus spanks 16 year old girls who fap in bed. -
Kitkat Jesus -
Furry Jesus -
Even Jesus Thinks Your a Dumbass. -
Love thy neighbour. -
What happens when Christians like Naruto. -
I <3 Jesus
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Jesus in his latest manga issue. -
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Guns don't kill people; Jesus kills people. -
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Jesus showing off his gats. -
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See Also
- BDSM
- Bible
- Black Jesus
- Cancer Jesus
- Jesus is Hitler
- Jesus Tortilla
- Jesus With You, Always
- Mary Sue
- Moses
- Muhammad
- Necrophilia
- Passion for christ movement
- Raptorjesus
- Santa Claus
- Superman
- Tom Cruise
- Zombie
Links
- Loljesus.com
- Super Saiyan Jesus
- Jesus RPG Adventure video game
- Free Jesus-based iPhone?
- Jesus' DNA
- Jesus now has a MySpace.
- Seeing Jesus H. Christ
- Jesus is a hated celebrity.
- Welcome to Enlightenment!
- Mormon Jesus.
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Jesus is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Jesus is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
