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General Butt Naked
General Butt Naked (Powerword: Joshua Milton Blahyi), is a former warlord, war criminal and child-murder enthusiast from the world's biggest toilet, Liberia.
The Man, The Myth, The Malaria
Gen. Butt Naked was possibly the lulziest Liberian warlord of the last decade. So named because he and his fighters fought butt ass naked, Butt Naked's early career would encompass the usual chicanery one could expect from a people sent back to Africa by Abraham Lincoln. (Seriously, look it up faggot.) Smokin' the duji (Heroin,) raping ugly women and occasionally hacking up entire villages with machete zerg-rushes. All and all, Joshua Blahyi's early career was pretty straight forward as far as Liberia went. However, after seeing (and i'm fucking serious) a glowing Ronald Reagan clone telling him to quit being such a god damn nigger, Gen. Butt Naked would perform what could arguably be one of the most hilarious trolls ever on the African continent (besides Apartheid and well, niggers themselves) by not only totally getting away with war crimes, but also by submitting to White God and totally selling out his culture. In truth though, invoking White God to convince a bunch of savages that you're really sorry isn't that hard, and Butt Nekkid could have easily lived and died and nobody would have given a shit if it weren't for VICE News voluntarily entering the Heart of Darkness/Rape Town.
Powergaming A.K.A. Magic Cannibalism
Of course, one would logically ask "Why the hell did Gen. Butt Naked fight naked?"
And of course, the answer is completely illogical. According to bush mages who consorted with Butt Naked, "eating the heart of an innocent child would totally makes you invulnerable for like, five minutes so you can tank that waraji peddler's rocks and sticks."
So powerful was the belief that Gen. Butt Naked could recall exactly the way the ritual would be performed:
— Gen. Butt Naked | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
However, Liberia being fucking Liberia sometimes Joshua Blahyi just ate people 'cause he was either bored or hungry. You know, like normal people. So familiar with the taste of Soylent Green, he recalled a moment where he bought meat from a market, tasted it and then snitched out the owner (because that totally makes up for eating children.)
However, eatin' all dem chilluns would eventually catch up to Joseph, and one day while preparing child-meat tempura, a female child was brought unto him. She was calm, serene and to Joseph too beautiful to die.
Didn't stop him from killing and eating her, but that moment led to...
The Intervention of White Jesus
Near the end of the conflict Blahyi was involved in, he recalled a moment where he was visited by (get this!) a brilliantly bright white man and a white woman after he ate the previously mentioned little girl. Totally forgetting for a second what happened the last time white people visited Africa, he submitted himself to White Jesus, who then totally forgave him. Armed with White Jesus' approval, he appeared before a court of Liberian law and told everyone present that he was super super sorry for eating those children, raping those women, committing various unspeakable crimes against humanity towards (mostly) innocent civilians and generally being a giant nuisance, and guess what?.
He now claims all the horrible, unimaginable shit he did during the war was through him being possessed by Satan, and he can't be held responsible because Satan, duh. Despite being an abnormally lame excuse (but fucking brilliant considering the country) to get out of anything, ED's own attorneys-at-lol have coined this the "Butt Naked" defense and have canonized it alongside the O.J. Simpson defense of "If the Glove Doesn't Fit, you Must Acquit!" defense.
He also claims that, between the age of 11 and 25, he had regular meetings with said mentioned Lord of Darkness, in which he received orders and advanced training. After 14 years of fruitful collaboration Satan left, which may or may not have had something to do with having to try and ignore Joshua's soft penis gently swaying during awkward conversations.
Today the General works as the famewhore/president of the End Time Train Evangelistic Ministries Inc., which makes him the Liberian equivalent of blessed sinners like Ted Haggard, but let's be honest people, would you rather skip a church run by a faggot in denial, or one run by a cannibal murderer?
He possibly gave his church that name because its acronym, ETTEM, is how he thinks you spell "Eat 'Em."
Butt Nekid: The Movie!
Hollywood loves a good comeback story, especially about nigras, and loves even more to reward the white people who make them. Thus, the incredible 2011 documentary, The Redemption of General Butt Naked, which won the "Excellence in Cinematography Award - Documentary" and the "Black Jesus Statuette" at the Sundance Film Festival. The reviews were fantastic:
"A film that explores both the power and the limitations of faith and forgiveness" – Los Angeles Times
"This amazing docu confronts the contradictions of reconciliation in a war-ravaged continent" – Variety
"A must-see - 5 out of 5 severed heads!" – Warlord Weekly
External excitement
- VICE profile featuring the General and the shithole that is Liberia
- GeneralButtNakedMovie.com (a site sure to disappoint a lot of gay 'Muricans)
