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World of Tanks
World of Stealth Tanks: Belarusian Boogaloo is a godawful Free-to-Grind Massive (nobody actually plays this) Mockery Online Game made by a shitty Belarusian company called Wargaming, aptly known as "Tardgaming" for many good reasons.
It is a game that can be regarded as "Call of Duty" for tanks, which is an accurate statement, as the developers have not even remotely studied history and it is doubtful they even know how to operate those tin cans. Like all the shitty Free-to-Play games, it has a spastic mongoloid fanboy community full of 13-year-old boys, with unbelievably broken and shit-tier gameplay, and of course the ever-present bias sprinkled into games made by White Russia and Russia to teach little Communists about their patriotic duty!
As a game that covers tanks, it displays the periods from 1920 (yes, the lower-tier tanks are metal boxes made in the 1920s) until 1960 (period known for the Vietnam War: Gooky Spooky Boogaloo, Part II.) Due to the general retardation of the community that inhabits this game, this article can deter any NORP's, or at the very least non-mongoloids from wasting their time and Jewgolds on the game.
This game features neither infantry, anti-tank cannons, landmines, or planes. After all, those silly things were never a threat to the almighty tanks.
Despite being as terrible as it is - it has earned honors. Bribing their way to victory to obtain two Golden Joystick awards basically has shown us how utterly worthless videogame awards have become.
The Gameplay
Some of the features
- The Hit Detection
If you are a retard you might not have noticed, but this game has the worst hit detection ever witnessed. You can be hit through rocks, indestructible buildings, the ground, and mountains and still get your tank turret blown off sky high into the stratosphere.
Vanishing shells are not uncommon either. Don't be surprised when your 7.5cm high velocity armor piercing tungsten carbide shell suddenly disappears because it hit a tarp, picket fence, or car windshield. Also don't be surprised when you try to fire a shell over a pile of rubble just to have it explode in your face because the hitbox is twice as large as it should be.
Fortunately, you will rarely notice these faults, as shell dispersion in the game works in a way that guarantees your shots will almost never hit their intended target anyway.
- The Engine
Anyone who's played computer games for more than an hour can tell you how graphics ought to work. Fast games look like crap, good looking games are slow and laggy. Somehow, World of Tanks manages to look like crap while still using the processing power of a game with actual graphics.
- The Physics Engine
Protip: it is physically impossible to flip a tank over in World of Tanks.
As Belarusians only grasp on physics is their experience driving tractors, the physics in this game are in no way realistic or reasonable. Tanks designed to ford rivers, climb over rubble, and wade through mud are left dead in their tracks by the fearsome might of small rocks, curbs, and any incline greater than 45 degrees.
- The Lag
All games suffer from latency, however World of Tanks is no typical game. The game is developed by vodka-laden drunks whose mud huts only have access to dial-up internet. Thus, the game is designed from the ground up to lag at any given opportunity.
- The Sound Effects
If you're going to develop a game around tank combat, you'd probably think it's important to use better sound effects than Halo. Then again, if you're putting that much thought into it, then you really don't belong on the World of Tanks dev team.
Not to worry though, Wargaming has responded to the negative criticism of the sound effects by vowing to remove the ability to replace them with better ones.
- The Matchmaking
If you're ever dumb enough to beta-test this game, this is the sort of match you should expect to play over and over again (because games full of aspies in the same new tanks is the best way to test a game).
The matchmaking system is designed to determine what games your tank belongs in. Of course, this is what it's designed to do, and like many other things in the game that are designed to do certain things, it doesn't work. This fact becomes obvious when you're put into a game against tanks twice your size whom you have no hope of ever damaging.
Many players feel the matchmaking is rigged. While it's very likely that the matchmaking is designed to rig games, it's also very likely that it works just as well as any of the other features in the game (in other words, it's completely fucking broken).
- The Spotting Mechanics
Rather than being visible all the time, enemy tanks are only visible to the player when the game's spotting system is OK with it. This leads to historically accurate situations like being shot at by tanks that are completely invisible.
There are a number of ways to ensure that you will never be spotted, allowing you to shoot away at enemies who have literally no way of defending themselves from you. A few of these ways include hiding behind bushes, paying jewgolds for pretty camo paint, and playing as any tank destroyer in the game.
- The Maps
The philosophy behind maps in World of Tanks is quantity over quality. Wargaming has discovered that if you constantly release half-assed maps, eventually you'll get a few that don't completely suck. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
- The Pay-to-Win Ammunition
Certain types of ammunition cost actual money. As you probably could have guessed, these shells are far superior to any other ammunition in the game. This ammo is popular among kids who use daddy's credit card to make up for the fact that they're complete shit at the game.
- The Reporting System
The game has an in-game reporting system that allows you to quickly report misbehaving players for a number of reasons. Of course, if you actually expect these reports to be read, you don't understand Wargaming. It's possible that at one point the reporting system worked and was used as intended, but Wargaming got sick of policing the thousands of annoying aspies that make up World of Tanks' playerbase.
- The High-Explosive Shells
For those of you who don't frequent /k/, high-explosive shells are shells designed to explode on impact. They're great for taking out groups of enemy civilians, but not so great at taking out tanks. Unfortunately, Wargaming doesn't seem to understand the fact that shells which blow up on the outside of giant metal war machines aren't particularly effective at damaging what's inside them. Most of the "one-hit-kill" guns in the game are so because they fire high-explosive rounds with the explosive power of small nuclear warheads.
- The Customization
Are you an individual? Of course you are! Why else would you be playing a mainstream game played by thousands of other like-minded idiots? For those who want to add a little individual flair to their tanks, the game offers a total of 10 boring camo skins to chose from. It's a great way to waste your money and to get attention from all the prepubescent boys playing the game.
- The Uninstaller
The only feature you should really give a fuck about. At least you have this option, unlike EverQuest II.
Nations
This game features a wide variety of nations to choose from. Each are equally as effective, so long as you spend plenty of money on premium ammo.
The Russian, vodka-chugging drunkards of the game. Their tanks are made of concrete, reinforced with steel, strengthened with pure Stalinwood, and coated with spall liner made from the ground up bodies of dissidents. Russian tanks are indestructible leviathans which are nearly as slow as the people who use them. Most new players flock to Mother Russia's ample bosom to suck the milk of Communism from it and pretend that driving something that nobody can damage makes them good at the game.
The fat, lazy, ignorant, hopelessly lost faggots of the game. American tanks tend to be like the citizens that drive them - loud, oversized, slow, and hideously ugly. The American line is frequented by idiot patriots who blindly chose to play American tanks despite their overabundance of problems. The biggest problem is that they're are made of solid armor in the front, and aluminum foil everywhere else.
One of the claims to fame that the American tank line has is that it also contains the Canadian tanks (all 1 of them).
The pure, tall, fair-skinned, blonde-haired punching bags of the game. While the developers would very much like to make German tanks the smoldering piles of shit that they were, they need to appease the rabid, neo-nazi Girls und Panzer fans (also known as wehraboos) who pay for their hookers. As a result, German tanks half retarded, half ridiculously overpowered. Also, most of them feature frontally mounted transmissions, which means they catch fire easier than Jewish ghettos.
- United Kingdom/Great Britain/British Commonwealth
The nearly-toothless homosexuals of the game. Their tanks are pretty historically accurate, which means they're absolute crap. Luckily they get matched against tanks that are half their size. The British tanks start out as slow moving cannon fodder, but later turn into fast, thinly armored cannon fodder. Usually favored by pseudo-intellectuals, British tanks can often be found hiding behind tanks that are worth a damn.
- China
The Chinese tanks, like everything else that comes out of China, are cheap knock-offs of other tanks. Unless you really want to see other tanks in green paint, the Chinese tanks are a waste of time. The only reason as to why anyone plays them is for the IS-2 ob'yekt 1944 with the cosmetic DShK, and chinks in the armor. Nobody respects Chinese players as they are not Koreans.
- France
The French are the biggest punching bags in the game. The French tanks start out well armored, but are slow and have shit guns. Most player who try to play the French tanks usually surrender to the far superior Russians after the first few tanks. If you enjoy pain and stick with the French tanks, the post-war French tanks are much faster. This makes them great at charging the enemy and dying because post-war France forgot what armor is. Vive la France!
- Japan
Soon-to-be the community and developer's new punching bag, the Japs will be added to World of Tanks some time before the end of 2013. This means mid-2014 when translated from lazy Belarusian. Japan starts off with a French tank instead of an original Japanese design. This allows historical accuracy and enables developer laziness simultaneously. When the community offered to design the tank tree for Wargaming, the drunken devs did the smart thing and completely ignored them. Now the community is preparing for China 2: electric boogaloo.
Classes/Roles
Like any action game on the market, this one features a sniper role. Usually this role is reserved for people with useless tanks, that have shitty guns with decent penetration. Most people get the most butthurt whenever covering this role, because the tank cannot hold in combat, and it makes you look like the failure you are.
- SPGs fit into this role, as well, but those get their own section.
Assault Leader
These are the big, slow, burly beasts that sit at the front of your zerg rush and take shells for you like the good little window-licker he is. This is the least demanding role in the entire game.
Support
Most support tanks are completely useless. They have horrible armor, horrible cannons, horrible speed, and usually a horrible user. Most people justify their existence in this game by "tracking" other tanks to piss them off, and keep them from running away like pussies.
Scout
Even more useless than support tanks, these small contrivances cannot attack other tanks due to how weak their guns are, cannot ram other tanks, cannot survive, will not survive, and will make the user kill himself in the most heinous way possible. Due to the laziness of "Tardgaming", there are still tanks that are not scouts - but get ruined in matchmaking regardless (Panzer 38(t) neuer-Art and the A-20.) Most Scouts charge head-long into battle, do no damage - spot tanks; but their team is too lazy to give enough of a damn to kill any of them. And top it all, new players have to endure playing these worthless tin cans for several hours.
Yes, these so called "scout tanks" are so bad, they can't even fight against other light tanks in the same tier, without dying instantly. Whenever Tardgaming was confronted about this, they did not give the community a reason as to why it was fixed, and probably never will.
The most useless role of all! The idler/bot-user. There is nothing wrong with doing this, as the game is a joke and the report system does not actually function. They occur often enough, but dont matter as you have already lost the game.
SPG
Anyone that uses a SPG (Self-Propelled Gun) is a faggot of near-mythic proportions. Most people that use the SPG have no actual skills at the game, and the SPG has been aptly named the "vengeful finger of God." Despite being nerfed they still one-shot your ass for even so much as looking at them with bad intent. Most SPG users will argue that YOU are a retard for not taking cover, but even taking cover fails. Like all supreme faggots, these people will indeed mock you for insulting them and their OBVIOUS skills until you off yourself before their very eyes.
The "Community"
The community is easily the worst accumulation of filth and fanboy scum known to man (Think Cock of Booty, Team Fucktress 2, World of Borecraft, and DotA 2's community multiplied by ten to an exponent of ten.) The players will screech like apes into the chat, insult one-another (not for the lulz; they genuinely believe insulting someone with the same intelligence as them will actually achieve something), and go on to say they have fucked your mother in her fat, piggy-ass until your father killed himself. The "community" will try valiantly to defend the good name of this shit-shack of a game, but will fail pathetically as
anyone with even with an unhoned cognitive ability will realize the game is not worth playing at all, and makes Modern Warfare 3 look GOOD. Like every gaming community, this one features a prominent brony group that does nothing but annoy the people in the community that are not massive, raging, uncontrollable faggots (In-short none of them.) Also like any other true gaming community, this one features a gaggle of pissy weabs that cum full buckets over the mediocre anime known as "Girls und Panzer" (Yes, the Japs think they can speak German!). Most community members will yell memes, puns, cancer, and AIDs until the chat server decides to act batshit and censor everything said, even if the chat filter is off. Luckily enough, like any shit-MMORFAGER it features a spam-blocker which still functions like a gimping retard.
Ways to annoy the community
1. Call German tanks by their full name. (Name guide included.)/German guns by their full names/include manufacturer's name with model name. (Bonus points for English.)
2. Tell them that you do it because you prefer it.
3. Wait until everyone begins begging you to say the abbreviation for it.
4. Ignore them, continue issuing orders by saying the full names of tanks. (Nobody listens, regardless.)
5. Chuckle quietly as you witness everyone "Wutting?" and begging you to stop speaking German.
Guide to German names.
- VK. = Versuchkonstruktion (Prototype Vehicle/Tracked Prototype/Prototype Tank)
- Pz.Kmpfw. = Panzerkampfwagen (Armored Fighting Vehicle)
- Hetzer = Jagdpanzer Modell 1938(t) (Hunting Tank, Model 1938-Czech)
- Kw.K = Kampfwagenkanone (Fighting Vehicle Cannon)
- Pa.K = Panzerabwehrkanone (Anti-tank Cannon)
- (P) = Porsche
- (H) = Henschel
- (t) = Czech-made
The competitive scene
As with every video game out there... correction, as with every pixelated taint out there, World of Tanks was infected with professional video game players. As you may all know by now, these creatures are the next evolution in the gamer gene pool. Taking every abominable trait a gamer has and elevating it to a fictional level of grandeur, that no one in the real world gives a fuck about. As where, other gamers, the more inferior of their kind, shiver down in adulation, fear and/or jealousy. Somehow, the WoT competitive scene grew exponentially over a short period of time, it is still unknown how, but when every dopey eyed loser is absorbed into this sewage, you're forced to wonder, how unstable these slow-witted individuals are.
Competitive leagues started popping up like syphilis on an old tramp. Known professional eSports teams started making their own WoT roosters out of the blue. Over night, everyone started playing this game. Competitions offering million of dollars in prize pools. Who could have guessed, a dreadfully designed thing, could get so far. But then again, what doesn't?
Known eSports teams that have adopted a WoT rooster are:
This is the only competitive scene I know, where the vast majority of players are over 30 years of age, big, fugly and complete Russian. I do not know where they gathered, or how they found each other, but this is beyond disturbing. No wonder World of Tanks got invaded by the Russian wave, because they swarm like flies, every hunk of shit they spot.
Descent into insanity:
- Mikhail "Gerat" Zhdanov, Team Dignitas, Age 31, Russian
- Sergey "Diver233" Pisotsky, Team Virtus.Pro, Age 32, Russian
- Dmitriy "K23IEmelka" Salomatin, Team Virtus.Pro, Age 30, Russian
- Piotr "Viol_" Surma, Team Mousesports, Age 30, Polish
- Sebastian "potomako" Pokrywka, Team Mousesports, Age 30, Polish
- Piotr "xPeter" Brochocki, Team Mousesports, Age 33, Polish
- Vladislav "Bad_News_33" Esikeev, Team Denova Gaming, Age 33, Russian
- Nikolaos " NikLemos" Lemos, Team Denova Gaming, Age 41, Greek
- Marcin "Ejs" Witecki, Team Evil Panda Squad, Age 33, Polish
- Michal "MikiMan" Steinka, Team Evil Panda Squad, Age 32, Britfag
Rednecks and Hicks
Hicks and rednecks play this game to express their love of 'MURIKEH and the HOMELAND! This rather large pocket of players tends to play on the North American server-cluster. These people are easily the most moronic, imbecilic, fuckbrained people you shall ever come across and they are also the easiest ones to troll.
Trolling these Hicks
1. Tell them the North American Server cluster primarily means Canada/Insult America's shitty tanks/Insult America/Insult Hamburgers/Insult their mothers *Which are also their aunts.*/Insult America's faggotry during Dubya-dubya Deu/Call Americans retards/Tell them that Canadians made better versions of their tanks/et cetera.
2. Fan the flames by saying you support Anti-American groups.
3. Laugh at their illiteracy and mock him for their inadequate efforts.
4. Insult America again, using a different spark.
5. Wait until the flames turn into a wildfire of butthurt and illiteracy.
6. They tells you they are filing tickets with support. (Even though lil' Russians do not give a third of a fuck about Americans.)
7. Laugh in their fat-fucking-faces.
As rednecks are mostly illiterate and do not study history, most will attempt to say "MURIKEH DEYD AWL EF TEH SHIET IN WEURLD WER 2, WITOUT US TEH ALEIS WULD HEV LOST" (Furthering the fact that your target is completely uneducated.) In a stalwart attempt to push their "knowledge" into your ass, and sodomize you with FREEDOM. Most rednecks will claim that Canadians did nothing during the war, the Brits got bombed by Nazis, and the French were too busy being faggots to actually help with the war efforts. (Disclaimer: Causing an American to kill himself by educating him about this era is actually pretty classy, but without a recording of Big-Bubba taking a swig of shotgun mouthwash your efforts would have been pointless.) Most rednecks in this community do a fine job of customizing their tanks with pretty camouflages, flags, eagles, essentially everything about ten dollars worth of Jewgolds can buy someone.
Jewing retards out of their money since 2012
Belarusians being the Jew-Russians they are have found many ways to raep your wallet until your wallet kills itself and you lose your only friend. These Jews have found a way to take essentially all of your money from you as efficiently as possible using several methods, including - but not limited to -
- Selling "premium" tanks (which are garbage bins that cannot be modified, and usually generate more money and give you "free" experience to piss your way past grinding in this terrible game.)
- Selling camouflages (Makes your tank stand out midst the historical inaccuracies and pure retardation, also helps to hide you from the broken spotting and camouflage system.)
- Selling Jewgolds (Premium currency used to purchase stupid shit.)
- Selling Premium Subscriptions (Another method to earn more not-Jewgolds in-game to purchase other tonks and tonk accessories.)
- Selling emblems (Furthers the historical inaccuracies by allowing you to paint stupid shit onto your tank for a nominal fee, they do nothing but make you look like a moron.)
- Selling inscriptions (Makes you look like a retard as you have purchased WERDS 4 URE TANK, DAWG!)
As most people that dare touch this game are complete shit-eating retards, they will fall for this shit and throw money at the screen hand-over-fist until they are out of money. (And by "They" we mean your parents and your college fund. Luckily enough, you were never going to college, eh champ?)
Community Jewing Wargaming out of their money
If you want some valuable Jewgolds in World of Pinks, the easiest method to obtain it for free is to utilize Bing (Rixty) Rewards to buy precious Jewgolds using rewards. However, if you loathe Bing like everyone should - you can find an application for Google Chrome that phantom-searches Bing, and gives you the rewards. However, you are limited to fifteen reward points a day. However, if you have patience and no mind you can buy everything you need in NO time!
Fondly remembered as Tardgaming
"Tardgaming" has been around LONGER than Gaijin Entertainment (A gaggle of Russians that are making their challenger, War Thunder.), yet still manages to be tenfold shittier than them. Tardgaming is well-known for doing heinous shit, such as lying about their player count (Claiming to have sixty-five million players, whenever only a few thousand are ever on your servers is moronic, for your information.), being the most incompetent group of homosexuals to ever buttfuck the gaming community and infest it with AIDS since VALVe or Torn-Banner. Despite being here longer than Gaijin, they have still no competence in the least bit.
World of Warplanes damage control & censoring
On the "release day" of World of Warplanes, Tardgaming's planes spin-off, a fat nerd and some hideous skank advertised the game on Twitch.tv, spewing out shit like: "I think these planes have historical health". Many facepalms were had and lots of aviation nerds / War Thunder fanboys started raiding the chat with legitimate questions such as: <message deleted>, <message deleted> and also <message deleted>.
Since WarGaming were so nice with replying after just 2 seconds to each of their commenters in the chat, Tardgaming was rewarded with ASCI dicks & War Thunder advertisement. They also prematurely closed the stream, but not before ending it with one of their terrible render trailers that basically resembles more of the gameplay of WT than of WoWP, making them look like total assclowns.
People were extremely mad about why Wargaming didn't try to combine the three games (WoT, WoWP, WoWS), thus leading to even more text chat permabans even after the stream ended. Lot's of jimmies were rustled. There have been approximately a dozen moderators at work to hide any evidence of a better game being made outside of Belorussia. But hey guys, don't forget, the first player who buys the first level 10 plane gets 10 years of PREMIUM, totally worth it!
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Don't you dare mention that other game! -
Making fun of the render trailer. -
ASCI art! -
LOLDONGS!
Dogfighting with about 600km/h through small street gaps. US Navy fighters in North Africa. Planes completely vaporize through MG fire.
Previous Video | Next Video
- This is funny, because all these trailers remind you more of War Thunder, both visually and conceptually. (Friendly reminder to look up that gameplay video up there again, after watching this)
A video symposium on the World of Tanks
Previous Video | Next Video
Conclusion and hypothesis for the future of World of Tanks
Hypothesis
Recently, a challenger has appeared - Gaijin Entertainment. Hailing from beautiful Mother Russia, War Thunder has the intent of stealing WoT's thunder, raping its corpse, and cloning the tank combat, except they will actually introduce working physics and moar than just boring tanks. For instance: aeroplanes!
Conclusion
Related Articles
- Blizzard Entertainment - A once great studio that has fallen to the shit-tier level of WarGaming
- Guild Wars & Guild Wars 2 - A dying franchise
- Final Fantasy XIV - Endless Weaboo faggotry
- MMORPG - The cancer that is killing gaming
- SWTOR:Online - The worst MMO flop of all time
- War Thunder - The game's death sentence
- World of Warcraft - The "inspiration" source for the original name
External Links
- The website if you want to gouge your eyes out
- The forum, filled with 12 year olds
Victor Kislyi - CEO of Wargaming.net. Go friend him.
His LinkedIn- The only source of reliable news as the developers lie to the community
- The most visited website during grinding for most players
- What every fanboy cums buckets over. (And what you are probably cumming buckets over, as well.)
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World of Tanks is part of a series on MMORPGs. | [Ding!] |
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| Featured article November 18th & 19th, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by ODB |
World of Tanks | Succeeded by Polygamy |
| Featured article November 2 & November 3, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by Creepypasta |
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