Porsche Girl

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Nikki Catsouras: A waste of a good vagina.

Nicole "Nikki" Catsouras (a.k.a. Porsche Girl, Nearly Headless Nikki and The Headless Porschewoman of Lake Forest California) was an 18-year-old whore who proved, yet again, that women can't drive. On Halloween 2006, Nikki decided to steal her father's $150,000 Porsche 911 and take it for a drive; she was later found deader than fuck with traces of cocaine in her system. According to her mother, Nikki had an inoperable brain tumor that caused her to have a severe psychotic reaction to the drug, resulting in her hitting another car and subsequently barrel rolling into a concrete tollbooth at approximately 100 mph. In typical emo "no one understands me" drama, she became one with a toll booth on highway 241, her head smashed to bits. Concerned internet citizens rushed to inform the family.

Legends say that Nikki's restless spirit still travels the roads of California in the form of a modern Dullahan driving a ghostly Phantom Porsche and often asks toll booth attendants if they'd be willing to give her head and/or cocaine.

Nikki Lives!!

Put the top down, Nikki! That's a bit too much off the top sis.

	“	People are sick.	„
	—Christos Catsouras, BAWWWWW

However, two California Highway Patrol investigators, Aaron Reich and Thomas O'Donnell, leaked the photos which naturally were posted to the internet. O'Donnell claimed that he only emailed the photos to himself for viewing at a later time, while Reich admitted to sending the photos to four people. "Internet hackers," quite possibly under the influence of steroids, immediately started sending the pictures to as many of Nikki's friends and relatives as possible. Some of these messages even arrived during her funeral. Ironically, Nikki was actually going to college to study photography. What a twist of fate!

Nikki's parents have blown $3,000 on hiring Reputation Defender in a successful attempt to waste $3,000. However, they are to date unsuccessful in their attempt to remove all copies of the fappable pics of their daughter from the internets. Don't they know that if it's on the internet, it never goes away? Dumbasses.

On May 14, 2009, in an attempt to milk even moar money out of the Catsourasses, Reputation Defender set up a web site called "A Tribute To Nikki Catsouras", that asked people to report all instances of the post-crash pics of Nikki, and requests that any one who has a web site with the images to "Please Remove These Photos From Your Web Site." No word on how many ED admins passed out laughing at said request. As of February, 2012, Reputation Defender redirected the Nikki Catsouras "tribute" to their own website.

Some admins were, however, willing to consider it, in exchange for pix of Catsouras daughter tits (which is very fair by internet standards). Their offers were refused.

“	As a father I would never let my daughter take cocaine and drive off like your daughter. I hope you become better parents after this and stop trying to censor the internet. May God be with you.	„
— Richard C. Mongler, supportnikki.org Guestbook

GTFO N00bs

According to multiple news sources, the Catsourasses (or at least those who still have faces) no longer use the internet. Nikki's parents have pulled their living daughter from school because they fear other students might confront her with the pictures. Anonymous has taken their actions as a challenge, and plans to erect a billboard bearing the images outside the girl's bedroom window.

There is also a campaign to start geocaching at her burial site, located in Pacific View Memorial Park, Corona Del Mar, CA.

KA-CHING!

Thomas O'Donnell, one of the CHP's trolls who took the photos.

Shocked and Appalled, Nikki's parents concluded that a good lolsuit would put an end to the harassment. They filed a lolsuit against the state for "emotional and punitive damages"; discounting the cost of the written-off Porsche, a replacement Porsche, and the overall cost of raising their daughter, that comes to about $19 million in profit. The lolsuit is currently pending dismissed. appealed. remanded settled for $2.37 million dollars.

	“	One of the dispatchers, Thomas O'Donnell, was reprimanded and disciplined but not fired.The other dispatcher, Aaron Reich, resigned for reasons he said were unrelated to the leaked pictures.	„
	—Sounds legit

Standard White Knightery

	“	Ur a dumb dick 4 saying these things about Nikki, when u die i'm gonna laugh my ASS OFF ASS HOLE!!! it's not good news that she is dead u Disgusting pig, Why don't u go materbate or somthing. and that hurt alot of people, her best friend, her family, her boy friend, and u think she is a total waste of vagina, ur a total waste, of living so, why dont u just kill ur self now and do EVERYONE A HUGE FAVOR U DISGUSTING UGLY FUCKING DICK!!!!	„
	—A white knight defending a dead girl he wants to fuck

Porsche Girl: The Book

You see, after Nikki's untimely death, her mother, Lesli Catsouras, began writing an epic novel with the aim of turning her daughter's misadventure into a New York Times bestseller. After almost half a decade of doodling around in her notebook, she finally decided to release the long awaited thriller along with a promotional website.

Take a look at an archived version of the site here.

Some bonus material in the book includes samples quotes from some of the lulziest trolls at the beginning of each chapter

You can read the book here!

• 
  The picture of the wrecked Porsche is right there on the cover
• 
  Rare picture of Nikki loling at this article
• 
  This is all your fault
• 
  Viewing the site in third person

A Selection of Cool Quotes

“   Wouldn’t it be cool, Mom, if I got famous someday, in some freaky, weird way?   „     —Nikki Catsouras (SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL HER) (Pg. 50)     “   Well, then, maybe you need to go down to the station with a gun and start shooting until you get some answers. Maybe then someone would help us!   „     —Lesli telling Christos to go apeshit (Pg. 138)     “   I slide my hand into the drawer, past the stationary and the paper clips, to the space above the wooden lathe where I hide my loaded gun. I let the palm of my hand brush against the cold, steel barrel and my mind races ahead. Suddenly, I’m not feeling the pain of everything I've lost, but a sense of justice and satisfaction as I grip the piece.   „     —Christos? (Pg. 244)     “   Slowly, and carefully, I pull the gun toward my body, letting revenge course through my veins like a drug. It’s a total rush. For the next few minutes, I just sit and listen to the fiery sounds of my own heart pounding, and relish the sense of need — and power and validation — that I am feeling. I almost don't care if I go to jail. I feel my eyes close and my finger slides against the trigger. My thumb — by its own will — presses down into place. I hear a sudden snap when my eyes pop open. I wonder if this dispatcher realizes that at any second I could walk right up to him and destroy his life just as recklessly and pathetically as he has destroyed mine. Because I am capable now of doing things I had never dreamed of doing before.   „     —CHIRSTOS CATSOURAS ALMOST WENT POSTAL (Pg. 245) Previous Quote | Next Quote

UH-OH! It's not canon?

Based on a rather unfavorable review of the book, it seems that Lesli's account of Nikki may be more of a fanfic than a biography.

A Family Conspiracy

So Christos is actually Nikki's step-dad? Whaaaat?

In an incredible turn of events, we learn that Nicole Ellise Catsouras was actually born as Nicole Ellise Mayo. A Wikipedia user confirms this information in one of his edits to her article and claims that that is indeed the name printed on her death certificate. The more you know! Why the Catsourases chose to airbrush out the Mayos from the Porsche Girl franchise is still a mystery though. Maybe they wanted to spare them from the trolling? Who knows.

Nikki and her real dad, Tony Mayonnaise

Porsche Girl: The Movie?

Not really. Nikki's family clearly loves attention though, as they appeared for five minutes in this documentary, "Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World," on the tenth year anniversary of her death. They went from Dr. Phil to the big screen. Impressive! If you'd like, you can watch it for free on Tubi and Plex right now. They appear around the 28 minute mark. Hey, Elon Musk is in it too!

The Catsourases a decade later. The kids have no idea where to look lol.

	“	I have always believed that the internet is a manifestation of the anti-Christ	„
	—Lesli Catsouras

2021: Still in the News?

We reached 2021. COVID has ripped our world apart. ED has died and was revived via necromancy for the 1,000th time. And somehow, the Catsourases are still relevant. In their latest cameo appearance, they insert themselves into the Kobe Bryant helicopter crash arc, hoping to ally themselves with Vanessa Bryant who is fighting to keep the Basketball-American's death photos from being leaked online. Perhaps the Catsourases believed that if they could get a famous figure like Ms. Bryant on their side, they could finally get their "Right to be forgotten" law in the bag. Three years later though, and nothing seems to have come from it.

Moral of teh story

Concrete > Car

Drug > Booze

Dead Daughter = $$$

Our anon friends have conjured a magical formula to... produce heroine!

Cocaine + Driving = Heroine

Booze + Driving = Also Hero

So if you don't want to be ze Hero, don't do drugs kids! You cannot get vaginas if you are deader than fuck!

Legal Disclaimer: Meme status and cash is not guaranteed upon death.

Gallery

Before

• 
  Oh nooes my head is going to hit this wall
• 
  Graduating from driver's ed
• 
  Nikki's Jew family.
• 
  As close as you can get without your eyes watering
• 
  I can get closer
• 
  Her mugshot from an alternate timeline where she got arrested for reckless driving

After

• 
  The aftermath of a barrel roll.
• 
  How do I crashed Porsche?
  Answer: Hopped up on coke
• 
  I just took an ounce of cocaine, dare me to drive?
• 
  You can clearly see the tumor here
• 
  Lucky officer given the honor of picking Nikki's skull out of the pavement.
• 
  Put car on head
• 
  I'd still hit it.
• 
  The person she hit before quitting irl
• 
  The sniper's POV
• 
  If /b/tards had had their way, the memorial would have looked something like this.

The Internet Reacts

• 
  "MOAR PHOTOS."
• 
  The brutal aftermath
• 
  Reputation Defender advertisement
• 
  PREPARE THE SACRIFICE
• 
  BOW TO HER

Video Gallery

Some retard tried to contact her ghost

It seems that Logan Paul didn't learn his lesson about putting dead bodies on YouTube

A wizard visits her grave

The wizard's follow-up video

She's alive!

Dr. Phil sends his viewers out on a scavenger hunt to find the photos

Previous Video | Next Video

Crash Simulations

A high quality reconstruction of the event

TOO SOON

Somebody actually put effort in this one

"It was so real it was almost like the toll booth was coming right at me!"

Boy, people sure do like making these

Another one? STOP POSTING

You just can't stop the internet. The Catsourases had to learn that the hard way.

Previous Video | Next Video

See also

GOODNIGHT, SWEET PRINCESS!

• Ferrari Guy
• Nick Hogan
• Ogrish.com
• Porsche Boy
• Reputation Defender
• Rob Levin
• View My Death

External Links

• Nikki Catsouras on TOW
• The Catsouras' BAWWWW to Forbes about having to spend $3,000 on Reputation Defender
• Obituary
• Case stemming from leak of grisly crash photos moves ahead
• Nikki Catsouras at Find a Grave
•  deadnikki (archive) Some dumbfuck from this site made a fake Twitter account
• The Kobe Connection

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Featured article January 23 & 24, 2018
Preceded by The Great ED Civil War of 2018	Porsche Girl	Succeeded by Chelsea Manning