Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus is the lesbian version of fellatio except that, instead of sucking a man's penis, she performs hopefully-pleasurable acts upon a woman's vulva with her lips, tongue, and maybe even her teeth. OK, so it is quite different from fellatio.

Cunnilingus is not to be confused with the famous Civil War hero, Colonel Angus. Cunnilingus is also not a dinosaur, you're thinking of Cuntasaurus Rex; he's different.

History

Cunnilingus is a mostly pointless activity, as it is a well known scientific fact that women can not orgasm. Thus it serves only to prolong the duration of intercourse and reduce the amount of time the female would otherwise spend barefoot in the kitchen. Also, by reversing the natural power-relationships between men and women that were ordained by God, cunnilingus encourages lesbianism, thus making women leave their husbands, kill their children and take up witchcraft.

Once cunnilingus has been introduced into a marriage, the only thing that can prevent destruction is a heavy hand and a .45. While pointless and stupid, it does provide a way for the illiterate to practice the art of ABC's.

Advancements in Technology

It is a well known fact that all women carry fish sandwiches in their vagoos for snax and nourishment. This accounts for a smell emanating from their squish mittens that has been likened to over 9000 Jews burning in a gas oven and being left to sit all day in the hot sun. (Note that male genitalia can also carry an odor of utmost filth when proper hygiene is disregarded.) However sometime last Thursday the men in snatch R&D decided that this need not be the case anymoar and developed a revolutionary new product that makes chowing down on gash just slightly more bearable than the idea of not sodomizing the next 8 year old boy who answers your free puppy bulletin on MySpace. Lo and behold, mighty Poontos: the fresh maker! Nevar again will whipped men and fugly dykes have to grimace in the face of the old man in the canoe! Much rejoicing was had on the part of the female community until most everyone realized that bitches are made for two things, buttsecks and pooping out babies, so they should probably just quit there jibba jabba and make me some soup.

Being truly gifted genius Poontos chief developer Fred Phelps won the Nobel Prize in physics in 2003 by making women a little less inferior. If only a little bit.

We salute you o' brave venturer of the murky deep.

	“	Now slurping down on my Shetland ponies' sweet 'tang is easier than ever! Thanks Poontos!	„
	—MONGO, admitting to his obvious furfaggotry

Technique

Thrashing the tongue about in mimicry of the shape of letters is said to enhance the pleasure given while excavating moist female crotch caverns, although no scientific data is available to back this up.

Another good reason to become familiar with this black art is the fact that it increases your chances of getting laid at least 100 times... although since you're on the internets, your chances are already not good, and 100 × zero does have an answer, unlike dividing by Zero. Persuading that first one to sample your oral delights is a challenge. As always: you get sex only if you are already getting sex from somewhere else. See some of the other fine and informative pages on ED for information to get you started.

Some theories state that the majority of fine literature was actually put into rough drafts while in the passionate throes of spit-shining the bearded clam, e.g., Shakespeare, Nietzsche, J.D. Salinger, Emily Dickinson and the Bible.

In Video Form

It stares into your very soul

Skip the entire first half of this one and view the second.
Prepare to have nightmares.

Previous Video | Next Video

Technique 2

Be sure to ignore anything you see in porn: cunnilingus does not involve holding your head a foot back and extending your tongue so that the camera can get a good shot. Use your whole face! If she starts getting boisterous, rest your mustache - or where your mustache would be if you had one - on her pubic bone (find a skeleton and check) and ride the motion. A rookie technique, but a very important step on the road to clit lickin mastery, apart from reducing injuries, it puts your mouth in proper alignment.

Speaking of which - do not stick your tongue in her vagina (the spicy-tasting bit), you fool. You will look like an incompetent adolescent who does not know how a vulva is put together. Also, that's where the teeth are. You are looking for a little nubbin - it varies from person to person - up at the top of her inner labia. Most women are not built like the ones at http://www.bigclits.com (although the occasional one is). Some have that clit buried fairly deep under the hood, but you have the appropriate tool to deal with it (hint: it's not your dick). Oh, by that I don't mean "stab your tongue into it".

If there's no firm little nubbin at all, the two most likely causes are

you suck at this and don't know where to look, and
she is actually not aroused because
1. you skimped on the foreplay, or
2. you are repulsive, and she is fucking you for some other reason than that she wants to, or
3. she is your wife/long-term girlfriend, and is bored with you, or
4. all of the above.

As for letters of the alphabet ... maybe. Do you know cryllic? Alternatively, listen to "Stroke it" by Clarence Carter. You can go for direct stimulation - touching the clitoris itself; or indirect - working the area around the clitoris firmly enough to stimulate the clit and its surrounding structures. For indirect, you can lick (not quite the right word - we are talking using your tongue as a muscle) across the shaft of the clitoris (which extends upward and then into her body), or you can work one side of the hood - the side that she works when she masturbates (ie, the right side). For direct stimulation, the simplest and most obvious thing is to lick upwards against the glans of the clit itself. You can do the circle thing if you want. Just remember that it's similar to the tissue of the head of your penis. Keep it lubed.

Try this now: put the tip of your tongue behind your your lower teeth, and push your tongue out. Feel that furry/textured bit on it's surface? Try putting your tounge on her vulva - without tightening it up to make it rigid, and aim that textured bit on the clit (assuming that it's erect enough to be exposed). Move it around some.

Next question: where are your hands? There's plenty to hang onto, trust me. Don't just lick - move your head a bit. Part of the whole point of getting head is the mental buzz on knowing that some other person is doing this to you. For guys, seeing is believing: we like to look and see her put her mouth on our dick. For chicks: not so much. Cradle her hips, move your face against her - let her feel your cheekbone on her thigh. "OMG," she will think, "a man has his face against my hoo-hah, a man who actually knows what he is doing! I am totally going to come tonight."

Try various things, and find out what is working for this particular woman right now. The point of having a few techniques is not to show them off, but to find one that works. The key is awareness. You don't jam your car into fifth and then drop the clutch, right? Start using your lips ("kissing" is not the right word) around the area - skin on the inside of the thighs, tease her inner labia a bit - and you won't need to before chisel her clam open. Get it right (it's called foreplay, tool) and it more or less opens itself. Use her rhythm - she'll start moving it, and if not, why are you wasting time with this starfish? Work with it. Work across it.

When she starts to fake orgasm, she will often indicate this by saying "Jesus fucking christ I am going to come", or words to that effect. If she doesn't, she needs to learn that it's important to communicate during sex. Coyly leave a link to this page lying around on her desktop. At this stage, stop fooling about and settle into a strong, moderately fast, steady rhythm. Especially: don't try licking as fast as you can, you'll tire yourself out - it can still be a few minutes before she gets over the edge. Changing what you are doing can break her concentration: "WTF is he doing now?" is a buzzkill. It can help her along if you make some encouraging noises. Stopping, looking up at her lovingly, and saying "I'm here for you, baby." is probably not an effective move. The idea is to convey that laudable sentiment in a way that doesn't interrupt things. Making a bit of noise yourself kinda gives her permission to do it, if she's shy, and I like a girl who gets a little vocal.

Finally: the woman you happen to be with may be one whose pussy gets very sensitive after orgasm. If so, it really is pointless trying to keep licking in hopes of coaxing multiples out of her. Just accept "job done", relax for a moment, then climb up and put your penis in: you know her vagoo will be reasonably clean by now. If, on the other hand, she comes like a freight train (yes, they do exist), then you'll have to stop sooner or later. It can become a little socially awkward, but just pick a time. If she came, then there's not a lot you can do wrong.

(BTW ladies: some of you don't give a lot of information. belive it or not, it actually isn't as obvious to us as it is to you that you've come. If you just quiver a bit and then get sensitive and have to pull away, it can be a little confusing, especially if the guy is ... ah ... involved in the process. Again, communication: it isn't something that only men can be bad at.)

Sure: this all takes a fair bit of time. If there is something else you'd rather be doing, why not do that? Give me a call, and I'll pleasure your woman for hours on end, and leave you free to have a quick wank and get on with something more important.

Gallery

An Octopus blows ducks one last time before they both die of radiation sickness.
Cunnilingus as drawn by a two year old.
An experienced alien shows us how to properly perform cunnilingus.
Ancient Romans from Pompeii invented carpet cleaning.
Ye Oldé Cunnus.
Mmmm...bacon.
Cunnus licking apparatus (US patent), Made in Americunt.
Nice duck face.
Dinosaurs can do it too.