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Assault rifle
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This article is entirely factual. Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings. |
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The Assault rifle is a fully semi-automatic, point and click, weapon of mass destruction commonly utilized by frustrated an heroes to pwn all of the mean, nasty bullies and the girls that won't go out with them at their High school and/or former place/s of employment, especially post offices which has spawned the colloquial term of, "Going Postal".
Obviously, all assault rifles should be permabanned IRL as it is clear to anybody not terminally conservatarded that they're just too damn scary looking to exist in a progressive society. Anybody who owns an assault rifle is MOST DEF planning on shooting up a nightclub full of Vogueing, trendy spic faggots.
— CNN gun expert LT. Gen Mark Hertling (Ret.) | ||
What is an "assault rifle"?
"Assault rifle" is a term utilized by CNN and leftards to describe any long gun that can be easily modified from its civilian version of semi-automatic to being fully automatic in a few minutes.
To them, all assault rifles appear just a little too gosh-darn scary to be legal. Obviously, if it looks MOAR menacing then it must be MOAR powerful, right? Some say that a Liberal can be fatally pwnt just by causing them to run their eyes along with one of these lengths of spooky metal. Then again, we had Hunter S. Thompson, so it seems any crazy white devil is susceptible to the allure of long, black, hard things that shoot stuff.
Proper use for an Assault rifle
Clearly nobody (most especially You) should ever be allowed to own any firearm of any kind, however, if you and other irresponsible citizens must insist on repeatedly BAWWWing about "muh rights" and/or bribing politicians just so you can own a kewl Assault rifle here are some of the best things you can do with one:
- Use it to hunt animals, especially big game. Obviously, the smaller bullet of an assault rifle is all a person needs to hunt large game and it won't just maim and wound the animal you shoot with it like those unnecessarily big and scary bullets like those inhumane hunters use.
- Show it to your Mother, we can only assume that she will whole-heartedly approve.
- Show it to your friends. The bigger the weapon you get, obviously, the bigger your penis. Instant respect.
- Be like Hunter S. Thompson and use it to shoot your Tv when there's bad news on or your just bored, except he used a .357.
- Openly carry it to a presidential speech, which is apparently legal to do for some reason in Arizona.
- Openly carry it into your local police station and be surprised when teh authoritehs arrest your stupid ass. Make sure to video yourself doing so and post it on Youtube for teh lulz.
So let's get this straight: In 'murica it's perfectly legal to openly carry during a Presidential speech but open carrying into a Police station is illegal? Looks like the NRA might have some protesting to do.
How to obtain an Assault rifle
- If you are an American you can just head down to your local Walmart and get an Assault rifle for free with the purchase of groceries. Alternatively, you can join the NRA and have a free Assault rifle sent to your house with free ammo but if you're black and have a felony you might have to buy it in the parking lot at 3 times the price because, you know, capitalism
- If you are British you are just gonna have to go use the evil scary Deep Web to purchase your Assault rifle, which is fitting because it only makes sense that you would have to go to such a scary place to buy such a scary rifle. But obviously, if you are British, you are probably a faggot and would therefore be afraid of those spooky rifles.
- If you live in any other country you can just go visit your friendly neighborhood black market.
If you want to be legal about obtaining an Assault rifle then all you have to do is apply for a permit at your friendly neighborhood police station. Getting your permit is going to be a fast and easy process, probably. Once you have your permit to buy an Assault rifle you can just drive to the other side of your country to find a place that sells assault rifles and then you can expect to pay a very reasonable price for your new toy. Buying ammo for said weapon will be very convienient.
How to destroy an AR-15 and/or Create an illegal short-barreled rifle
Obviously, all assault rifles are Evil incarnate and need to be promptly destroyed to save society from school shooters. Here are the steps to destroy one:
- Find Assault rifle
- Saw barrel off
- Get in trouble with teh authoritehs for your now illegal short-barreled rifle
- ????
- Profit
The History of the Assault rifle
| Name | Description | Picture |
|---|---|---|
| The MP44 | The first Assault rifle, the MP44 was invented by everyone's favorite historical figure Adolf Hitler during the second world war.
The Nazis wanted to decrease the morale of the Ruskies, Britfags, and Americunts, so they discovered that if they made something so scary and spooky-looking that maybe they could scare the enemy into submission instead of having to pwn them outright. This obviously did not work because of one simple fact: Russians are all born with FAS and are normally off their tits on vodka; which normally is a bad thing, but in the case of WW2, it just meant that they didn't know they should be afraid of the scary mp44. The assault rifle was most effective against the British because obviously everyone in the British excuse for a military (barring a few strapping Scots) was a faggot and therefore afraid of the MP44. It, unfortunately for the Germans, did not work as expected on the Americunts. Being that the US Army was full of gun-loving manly men, whenever they saw the rifle in the distance, they would usually mistake it for damsels in distress and would then try to rescue the poor MP44s from the evil, misogynic Nazi soldiers. This meant for the Nazis that any of their soldiers who had an MP44 would always be the first target for Americunts thus actually decreasing the morale of the Nazi army. After the war all of the leftover women MP44s were all exported to America where today they are all in the possession of their rightful husbands owners. |
 
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| The AK47 | The 'Ass Kicker' AK47 was invented by a retired tank commander named Mikhail Kalashnikov. He was an alcoholic, and like all retarded, unoriginal Russians he was too drunk on vodka to come up with his own ideas. He got his inspiration from the Nazi MP44. His new AK47, inspired by copied from the MP44, was basically a simpler version of the MP44, which to its credit made it a lot less prone to fails. The AK47 was also designed to be so simple that even the drunk workers in a Russian vodka firearms factory could produce the thing. To this day, it is an assault rifle that strikes terror instantly and directly into the hearts of all who behold it. It's also well known for its ability to be run over by a truck, thrown into the ocean, hit by a nuclear weapon, and still not hit shit outside of 30 meters when fired. But it will fire- keep that in mind. It is still used by the thugs, drunk Russian soldiers, the Taliban, ISIS, any terrorist enterprise, all third world countries and a favorite of niggers because of its low maintenance. |  |
| The M14 | The M14 was invented after teh American soldierbois got tired of having their thumbs amputated every time they reloaded their M1 Garands. It is the best rifle to use if you are an hero because it tends to look a lot less scary than your typical assault rifle, so the libtards think it just looks cute. Luckily for an heroes, it shoots just as fast as an AR15 but shoots teh big boi bullets. The civilian baby version, known as the "Mini-14", is the assault rifle high score holder Anders Behring Breivik used. The Mini 14 is even less scary-looking than the big boy m14 so the libtards will probably think it's a BB gun or something.
You can usually single out the best shot in a company or platoon because they'll be carrying an M14 over the M16 because the larger round of the M14 makes it a better, medium range. Sniper rifle. |
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| The M16 | The M16 (AR15 civilian name) assault rifle was invented by americunt Eugene Stoner, presumably while stoned and after being hit in the head with a sledgehammer. The M16 is known for being incredibly reliable, accurate, and self-cleaning. When it was first used by US GIs in 'nam it was so incredibly renowned for its reliability that they were glad to have a lightened plastic stock weapon that fired a smaller round causing them to instantly refer to the M14 as a steaming pile of shit. Today the m16 is mainly known as the AR15. The ar15 is a common primary weapon of winners for bringing them to their schools for show and tell. |   |
| The M4 Carbine | Not wanting to fail a second time at designing a new assault rifle in the 1980s the US Department of Defense said, "Hey! We can't go wrong basing it on the M16 ." Just like Déjà vu, all over again, the M4 Carbine had problems chambering a round, failure to fire rounds and having rounds getting stuck in the firing chamber. It gets used by Troops that are the least likely to see action, such as officers, their secretaries and drivers. The M4 Carbine is an Arguably successful attempt by the US to copy the AK47 for Urban and close quarters combat. |  |
| The M134 Mini Gun | Lots of bullets lots of fun. Actually a Rotary Machine Gun but do you want to be the person that tells it that it can't be on this list? Now before you go out and buy one, there's some things to consider. 1: This bad boy of win's ammo is measured in seconds because it can piss out ammo at 6,000 rounds a minute. 2: Each round costs about .50 cents so 1 minute will cost you about $3,000. 3:They're only legal to buy if they were made before 1986 and one will run you anywhere from $150,000 - $300,000 4: At 85 pounds, not including the weight of the ammo, there is very little chance that your out of shape, fat ass could lift one. 5: If you go with a truck mount, the Police will see you coming from a mile away and break out the Christmas presents that the Department Of Defense gave them. |  |
| The Galil | The Galil (גליל), pronounced "gay-leel" is the gayest and lulziest assault rifle. It was invented by some Israeli faggots in Tel Aviv who thought they were better than their neighbors. The Israelis basically took the AK47 and made it uglier. The rifle, despite having the gayest name ever, is somehow more reliable than the AK47 it derived from. If the faggot Pulse nightclub shooter was thinking 'straight' he would have used the Galil 'gay-lel' assault rifle. |  |
| The Uzi | The Uzi is ✡Uziel Gal✡ and Israel's contribution to the assault rifle. While smaller versions are referred to as machine pistols, the full-sized uzi is a cheap, machined assault rifle that has a history of being used from the Suez Crisis to the gang war that is going on outside your house.
Similar to the M16, it requires constant cleaning because its open bolt, blowback design leading to constant contamination of the receiver. |
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| The FN FAL | The FN Fal, pronounced 'Effin Fail' is an assault rifle, which to its credit, fires teh big boy bullets. It was originally invented in Belgium but soon after, the Britfags took it and made their own version. The britfags thought that it firing teh big boi bullets was too scary so they rechambered it from 7.62 x 51 nato to 280 Britfag, which succeeded in convincing the excuses for soldiers in the British army to pick up the rifle. The rifle somehow, even with its fails, has managed to become an assault rifle used by 90 countries. America, when choosing between the 'effin fail and M14, correctly choose the M14. |  |
| ARX160 | The ARX160 is an Italian made assault rifle that was designed by Baretta firearms to be light and comfortable to carry so that the Italian military won't drop it when in retreat. It was designed as a part of Italy's Future Soldier program and hopefully earned them world respect but still, they are the punchline of Europe when it comes to war with France getting more respect than Italy. |  |
| Famas | The FAMAS (Fusil d'Assaut de la Manufacture d'Armes de Saint-Étienne, or "Assault Rifle from the Saint-Étienne Weapon Factory) is a bullpup style weapon and is currently being replaced by France with the Heckler & Koch HK416. The FAMAS is best known for its high rate of fire, about 1200 rounds per minute, and a decent range of about 3200 meters. In fact, despite all the stories that come with the subject of French manufacturing and weapons blowing up in a soldier's hands, it's a decently built weapon and has been in use since 1971. |  |
| The Flamethrower | FIRE. FUCK YEAH!! Although not an assault rifle, this bad little napalm thrower of win is perfectly legal to own and purchase in the Jewnited States of Americunts The main use for civilian use is agriculture, where farmers use it to burn crops that they were paid by our government not to grow. The concept of the flamethrower has been with us since the ancient Greeks because fire is so damn fun to play with and you can buy one easier than a BB Gun at Wal-Mart. |  |
| Shotgun | Seen as an assault weapon in its semi-auto and fully auto variants because with a drum magazine attached, its high ammo count and speed of fire pigeon holes it into the category. This beauty of a weapon, mainly lacking range and accuracy, is such a monster when it is being used that it has earned the name street sweeper for its ability to drop assholes with a single hit, causing everyone to run for cover and look to save their own ass - clearing a street. Surprisingly, most crybaby liberals don't have much to say about this bad boy because it has never, thankfully, been used in a school shooting because its size makes it hard to conceal, its lack of range means you have to be within 10 meters of your target and you have to be a little more than a 90-pound faggot to get off more than 1 shot.
It should be noted that this has become a favorite go-to for soldiers looking to maximize damage since Vietnam whether it be the M870, pump action, 12-Gauge full sized version or the KAC M870p 'Masterkey' system that is mounted beneth the barrel of an M16 because of its ability to fire Flachette rounds, or rather spear shaped projectiles with vaned tails that are designed to defeat coward vests, or rather Kevlar style body armor. Unlike bullet style rounds that lose velocity like you lose a hard-on when laying next to a $20 a squirt hooker, a flachete loses no velocity passing through Kevlar style body armor and is designed for Assholes like you that think they're smart planning ahead by wearing Kevlar. |
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Assault Rifle in Politics
Politicians are the most knowledgeable group about Assault rifles. They are somehow even more knowledgable than CNN. Politicians really know about Assault Rifles because all of their bodyguards have them and they most of all know that their bodyguards are the only ones who should have them. Obviously, all the plebs are unreasonable for wanting to own assault rifles, unless said plebs have some Jew Gold to give the politicians that is. But really, the politicians have the best interest of society in mind seeing that if the politicians ban Assault Rifles then Assault rifles will never be used in any shooting ever again. In the end whether Assault rifles are banned will depend on which side of the debate has more Jew Gold to give to their politicians. Obviously, since Jews have the most Jew gold and since Jews tend to be in favor of gun control it is probable that Assault rifles will get the banhammer. Sadly, the An heroes will have to use the dark web to find their toys. After they ban Assault rifles all the Assault rifle owners and criminals will turn in their assault rifles, kiss uncle sam's big toe, and send in thank you letters to their local politicians for protecting them from future school shooters.
People/groups that own/used to own Assault rifles
- Anders Behring Breivik (he has the high score with the assault rifle)
- Lolis, apparently
- Not you
Fun facts
- Assault rifles don't even exist
- If you believe they exist you're a fag
- The government is lying about 9/11
Gallery
See also
| Featured article October 17 & 18, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by Batman |
Assault rifle | Succeeded by School shootings |
| Article of the Now June 3 & 4, 2022 | ||
| Preceded by Gun control |
Assault rifle | Succeeded by Asking for it |