Existence
Otherwise known as IRL, Existence is a very popular MMORPG, created by Raptor Jesus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster so he can laugh at how much humanity sucks. Existence or RL currently has approximately 7 billion subscribers, and that number grows daily, due to people's inability to properly use a condom, and in spite of mothers wanting to kill their children with rusty hangers.
The mood of Existence can vary greatly - from anger and depression to being gay. The rules of Existence are pretty simple; there is no stopping in Bat Country, and niggers have to ride in the back of the bus.
Reviews of Existence
"A Game like None before!" —PCWorld
"If I'm not on the Internet, I always play this game." —MG
"Coffee making has never been so exciting!" —Playstation
"Once I started to play, I couldn't stop any more!" —The Pizza Guy
"I don't get it! How does it work?" —World of Warcraft player
Getting Started
Once you buy the game for Gaystation, you must register on the Existence servers for proper gaming. This can be only done by invite of minimum two other players, or by accident. Loading the game may take 9 months, be sure to find something to do instead.
Storyplay
You start out as an "Infant", a malformed, parasitic species of "Human" and have to try to survive the following years. Game hours equal real hours. You get only one life and no option to start again, unless you buy the extension Real Life - Reincarnation!. However, this option is incompatible with several religions, one of which you must choose some time in the early levels of the game. You have to learn to use various instruments during your life, including sex toys, heavy machinery, and LiveJournal. Several seemingly unimportant ingame information ("school") can be of great help in the upper levels of the game.
The storyline is individualized and told from a first person perspective. There are billions of possible endings, depending of your choices in the game. What makes this game awesome, is that there are external objects that may change the course of the story, like permanent status ailments or high leveled individuals. Some people manage to adapt, others don't. Other than that, there's nothing else to the story. The whole game consists entirely of walking around doing nothing but an endless amount of tedious side quests; With the occasional fun side quest to kill the boredom. Despite all the possible outcomes, the ending is the same for all subscribers, with slight variations.
Features
Having completed the lower levels, you get access to unlimited features. Virtually anything can be integrated in Real Life. A pencil, for example, makes lines on paper. A bomb rearranges the setting. Real Life is not only a simulation, MMORPG and adventure game, but also the biggest online chat in existence and dating-site. No NPCs (except for Fundies)!
There is a wide selection of familiars to combat your main enemy: Loneliness. These include friends, pets, and family members. However, you must increase your Social Adaptation skill first in order to have familiars available.
SPOILER
Everything you've ever been told about existence is a lie. You have no destiny. God has no place for you. Living a virtuous life only gets you laughed at. When you die, there is no endless green meadow, instead you get sent to Hell, to have your brain swallowed by Cthulhu. You know that guy who beat you up in the 8th grade? He is not going to be punished in the next life, regardless of how much you cry yourself to sleep over it. Kill Yourself. Right now. Faggot.
Finale
The game ends when the player manages to fuck up and get his character killed. There are numerous paths to chose on how to exit the game, although some are funnier than others. Most NPCs in the game usually die of natural causes due to being Oldfags, get murdered or commit Suicide. If they are in the third-world (Hard difficulty areas of the world map) then they usually die of AIDS, Disease, Famine, and other deadly products of being in Poverty.
We (the writers of this strategy guide) recommend going postal as the best way to Ragequit from this shitty game. To do this, you must guide your character to make enough gold to purchase a Gun from one of the local weapon shops in your village. If your character has a Mental illness status aliment, please seek out a Black Market to purchase the weapon. You can enchant the bullets with the Poison ailment by shoving said bullets up the asshole of a local gay man, which will provide a 30~99% chance of inflicting the AIDS status effect on enemies during battle. Make sure to target Women and Children during gameplay of the School level.
Achievements
Over 9000 achievements can be unlocked from this game; these are just some of them:
You can use the points earned as currency amongst yourselves
Sequel
A sequel to this game exists, called The Afterlife. Gameplay differs based on the Religion of your character. If your character is not a subscriber of a specific religion, your character cannot be transferred to the second game. Not much information exists regarding this game as it is still in beta-testing, but it is said to be a sort of bonus round where the gameplay is amazing and you get your dick sucked on a daily basis, if your character accumulated a Lawful Good morality rating. If your morality is anything below that, then your character will roast in Hell if they're subscribed to the Christianity DLC, available now for only $6.66! If your character has the Buddhism, Hindu, or any other Indian religion DLC installed, then he or she (or he/she) will be reincarnated and forced to play the game again, except with New Game + bonuses.
Things That Do Not Exist
- God
- Your mom
- Self respect
- K-On season 3
- Female orgasms
- Half Life 3
- 1 and 2 WTC
- Your life
- Grand Theft Auto VI
- Your waifu
See Also
- Life
- Suicide - quitting existence
- Cubic Time
External Link
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Existence is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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Existence is part of a series on Life [Go Live One] |
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