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Star Wars

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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT LUKE DIES LIKE AN ABSOLUTE FAGGOT AND KYLE VADER KILLS SUPREME LEADER SNORKEL!!!1
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT DRUGGIE PRINCESS LEIA KILLED JABBA THE HUTT AND HER OWN MOM IRL!!!1
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT ALL OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN "ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY" DIE AT THE END!!!1


Deal with it, nerd.

Star Wars is an overrated series of science fiction movies and merchandise created by George Lucas in the 1970s. Star Wars has a SHITLOAD of spin-offs, backstory, and merchandise creating a whole new breed of turbo-nerds HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS, ever since Disney bought the rights to the series every piece of Star Wars literature has been deemed non-canon so Disney can make moar money. In the whole craze, George Lucas and his nigger wife have pocketed more money than he knows what to do with. Experts speculate that Lucas now uses $100 bills to wipe his ass.

What is Star Wars? Plagiarized Akira Kurosawa works mixed with World War II and cowboy shows like Bonanza - but set in space. To save you fifteen hours: Atkins is a young powerful space samurai. He gets tricked into becoming RoboHitler and starts a Space Holocaust. After his son pwns him, he gets troll's remorse and saves the day before killing himself.

Hey, next time you see George why don't ya ask him about Valerian and Laureline? Go on, do it.

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace - now in 3D!

In 1999 George Lucas unleashed The Phantom Menace, the three-hour long story of a pair of gay Jedis, Jar Jar Binks, a whiny princess, a young Darth Vader who is apparently Jesus, and a whole bunch of aliens that were pretty much racial stereotypes. The movie generated millions, despite being a crushing disappointment to fans of the films. Thousands of tiny plastic toys were sold.

Phantom Menace abridged

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

Proof that liking the Star Wars prequels turns you into a whiny, self-obsessed beta faggot.

In 2002 Attack of the Clones showed up in theaters, and by this time the little boy had become Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, and the Irish Jedi was gone but the Scottish Jedi was still there. The whiny Princess was apparently not a princess anymore, because on her planet Princesses are elected every four years - and for whatever the fuck reason, the pickaninny alien Jar-Jar Binks was a fucking Senator (who subsequently gave power to Senator Palpatine, thus setting the stage for the advent of the Galactic Empire, way to fucking go).

Also, in a shameless bid for hamburgers ($15), the bounty hunter known as Boba Fett was now a Maori, and a clone of his dad who was named JANGO! That's right, JANGO! (JANGO DEM KEYS)(I'm gonna Jango dees nuts while you Boba your head on dis dick) It turns out that the Clone Wars were fought by a bunch of Jango clones who were bored while waiting for rugby to be invented.

Cult horror actor Christopher Lee makes an appearance as Count Dooku (lol) and shares a hilarious scene with Yoda in which Yoda jumps and flips around and generally makes the movie into an early Jim Carrey film. This is widely cited as the only watchable piece of the entire movie, in spite of Lee's advanced arthritis, which you can notice when he shoots his Sith lighting all over Yoda.

The movie should have been a flop, but due to massive amounts of fanboys, the movie got a gajilion dollars within the first six seconds of its release and George Lucas can continue to rub his golden-plated cock with his Jew.

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

Feel my arthritis, bitch!!!

Lucas has released the final nail in the Star Wars coffin, which is titled Revenge of the Sith. The plot(or the semblance of it) is, Anakin gets pussy whipped and becomes Darth Vader, the Emperor kills Samuel L. Jackson, and Obi-Wan lets Anakin get burned alive/maimed out of revenge for Anakin joining the dark side.

It was expected to receive critical acclaim, but instead was rejected by some critics, who accused Lucas of turning the film into a historical docu-drama about the rise of George W Bush and Dick Cheney and the fucking up of Iraq for oil and nukes. Thus, the film only made $450 million as opposed to the usual $600 million, keeping Lucas rich and beautiful in spite of partisan bitching that he caused the final Star Wars film to tank. However, it is considered the BEST of the prequels. While this is true, that's like saying getting pissed on is better than getting shat on. You'd still smell bad regardless of which one happens to you.

Solo

Another Prequel, this is about a younger Han Solo. Also the furtard chewbacca meets han solo.

Rouge One

Or star wars episode 3.9, is the last prequel film chronologically before episode 4, where Anakin Skywalker ræps Alderaan. Jyn Erso gets buttraped with her boyfriend by the Death Star by Krennic.

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope

Star Wars was one of the first American movies to feature sand niggers.

Star Wars first appeared in the form of a film in 1977. Its sci-fi storyline partially ripped of from Alejandro Jodorowsky's treatments for Dune, minus the Islam, and is set within the framework of an Eastern film with Nazi mysticism was unheard of at the time, and the studio thought it was going to be a box office bomb. It was also the first movie ever to use cheesy Windows Movie Maker wipe-away transitions. (Only a nerd under the age of 40 would say that, of course -- Lucas ripped off a whole series of visual elements from old Flash Gordon serials of the 1930s. The guy is a chronic thief and so is Microsoft.) Unfortunately, the film became extremely popular, and produced an entire generation of basement dwellers that compulsively masturbated to fanart of Princess Leia and Jabba the Hutt.

Most of the themes for the first Star Wars movie (later subtitled A New Hope) came from the Akira Kurosawa classic The Hidden Fortress (隠し砦の三悪人). In this movie a pair of bickering and self-involved peasants - one short, one tall - accompany a warrior and a princess (who learns humility along the journey) to the safety of her kingdom. The borrowing is most obvious during a sequence in which the two peasants take separate paths only to both be captured by the same enemy, find each other in amongst a horde of prisoners, and then cross paths with the warrior.

Many other ideas, like the Jedi Mind Trick where a Jedi gets someone to do something they want by speaking a command or a suggestion comes from Frank Herbert's Dune and the Bene Gesserit power of the Voice. In later Star Wars installments, Lucas is still ripping off Dune with the idea that the Force comes from Midi-Chlorians in that Alejandro Jodorowsky's idea for Dune was that the Bene Gesserit powers came from microscopic worms in the blood.

Whether the Western film influences in Star Wars are surviving elements from The Hidden Fortress (Kurosawa was known for borrowing from Western films), or George Lucas's own is really none of your business. Because sucking off George Lucas's cock is my business and mine alone.

Sequels (The 1977-1983 Trilogy)

Red leader, Red leader I need moar barbecue sauce!!!

Star Wars Empire Strikes Back

Star Wars was followed by two sequels, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, in 1980 and 1983. The two, notably the former due to its lack of pure concentrated autism resulting in the only example of a fairly decent movie in this series, are notable for being improved dramatically by Lucas allowing other people to direct them, and for the ever-increasing numbers of random aliens in the background who would show up as tiny plastic toys being sold for $8 later on. Also, Episode V contained a lulzy scene where Luke and Leia share a kiss, only for Luke to find out in the next movie that Leia is his sister.

If you really want to see George Lucas's thieving at it's best then look no further than The Empire Strikes Back, which is literally lifted in its entirety from the Bhagavad Gita. Both stories circle around destiny and that no man can change what the gods have said will be. In The Empire Strikes Back, like the Gita, Luke goes against what has already been ordained, hoping to save his friends and is the one that needs to be rescued. Other themes lifted include the Purusha sukta or Cosmic Being that is Ben Kenobi. Dharma versus chaos, or the light side of the Force versus the dark, and the selfless action where rather than make a decision to join the dark side or stick with the light, Luke tries to an hero by jumping to his death.


Star Wars Return Of The Jedi

Luke saves Leia, a sexy slut wearing a bikini and a Collar. Jabba ræps every slut he has in his mansion. Han Solo finally comes back then rapes the Empire with the ewoks. Also Luke gets into a fight with Anakin. Then he cuts off Anakin's hand after he gets pissed at vader taunts and the Emperor Force Lightnings Luke after refusing to become a sith lord. Then Anakin dies after ræping the emperor's sodomized pozzed up boypussy. Then Anakin gets his emo hair back on endor.

Remix

In the early '90s, Lucas decided it'd be pretty fucking hilarious to re-edit all three films and re-release them theatrically. It's probable that at this stage he was either under the control of Satan or his incredibly spergy "Skywalker Ranch" employees had eaten all his avocado hamburgers.

He "remastered" the movies that everybody had grown up with to fit what he would later refer to as his "original vision." He cited numerous technical pitfalls and a lack of funding as his excuse for originally casting cult-icon Jabba The Hutt as a fat Irish man. The "remastered" movies were a box office hit - mostly due to the fact that nobody had been able to see Star Wars in a theater for twenty years - but nobody liked them, not even after the third one was released and everyone discovered that Lucas had changed the Ewok song and given them more fireworks.

Moar shit

One of the most cited criticisms was Lucas's addition of the three-second cameo of cult-icon Boba Fett (Empire Strikes Back) into A New Hope, simply so he could release another plastic toy for him ($10)

Several years later, in organizing the DVD versions of Star Wars he made yet more additions and deletions, including the derided "Greedo Shoots First" - widely denounced as the "dumbest shit ever shat." In the final scene of the DVD release of Return of the Jedi, the ghost of Anakin Skywalker is changed from the original actor to prequel prettyboy Hayden Christensen, seeming to imply that Anakin Skywalker actually died 20 years ago, and not on the new Death Star a few hours earlier. This change is justified by the fucktarded defense, "Well, Anakin turned good just before he died so his ghost looks like he looked before he came Darth Vader."

How fucking long does it take to become a Jedi?

Jedi skills.

In Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope, Luke maybe got three days training from Ben. In Empire Strikes Back, he maybe got about two weeks from Yoda and in Jedi he maybe got another three more days before Yoda told him that he's finally a Jedi. So, maybe three or four weeks. Five if you're slow. Even with this, fantards still get pissy about the Mary Sue character in The Force Awakens because she taught herself.

George Lucas is a whore

After Star Wars hit it big at the box office, George Lucas spent all his money on nigger shoes for his nigger wife and as many Cali-pineapple hamburgers as he could pack into his swollen wattle (See also: Michael Moore). Unfortunately his stomach was a little larger than his wallet and so, now too fat for whoring himself out, he did the next best thing - lunchboxes. Plus breakfast cereals, cardboard Halloween decorations, condoms, tennis shoes, television shows, dildos, gay prostitutes - anything. Star Wars was now not a movie but a marketing machine driven by Lucas's insatiable hunger for used dildos.

The absolute pinnacle of this marketing frenzy was the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, which really deserves its own article due to the sheer amount of foul things that can be said about it, but I'm too fucking lazy to make it myself (an article has been written on it now).

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens

It's a romantic comedy!

LUCASFILM ANNOUNCED THE ENTIRE EXTENDED UNIVERSE IS NON-CANON SO THEY CAN MAKE ROOM FOR EPISODE VII AND BEYOND!!!11!!

The real reason Leia got the truth serum

Then in 2012, Lucas sold out to the Mouse Reich, The Happiest Place On Earth. And they made Walt Disney Presents Nigger Wars: Episode VII - The Feminists Awaken. Which was released in December 2015, becoming the biggest opening of all time since you shat out of your mom's Sarlacc Pit. The movie received an A+ Cinemascore from women due to the presence of a flawless womyn who can use the Force from level 1, the portrayal of all young white males as evil Nazis, and a righteous brothaman named Jango who was sold into slavery by whitey and forced to wear white body armor as a symbol of systemic oppression. Jango becomes unchained, and the runaway slave steals vehicles, shoots and kills soldiers, steals clothing, drinks from hippo watering holes, tells people "you don't know me," runs away with white women, makes sure he "do me," hits on white women, and violently attacks white people. Jango was popular with female audiences since he was the type of guy they could date to prove they aren't racist and use to piss off daddy. The film broke records worldwide for the number of unsold black action figures since they looked like poop. Other titles considered for the film included A New Hope 2: Electric Boogaloo, We Need To Talk About Kylo, They're Paying Me HOW MUCH To Not Use My Voice, The Nigger With A Thousand Faces, Star Shit, Social Justice Wars, and I Just Want To Die Already J. J..

In The Force Awakens, SJWs send a female Luke to Tatooine to salvage the derelict Star Wars mythos for usable parts after George Lucas ran it into the fucking ground. After scavenging the original trilogy, mostly Star Wars: Episode IV and some The Empire Strikes Back, she drags that old junk to a fat nostalgiafag collector Star Wars fan who will pay any price for a Lance Armstrong droid, which is no longer in its original packaging but does come with a limited edition hologram from the movie Prometheus.

In addition to the gender-swap Luke and the race-swap Token Stormtrooper, to complete the SJW underrepresentation trifecta, progressives have clamored for the ace fighter pilot who rams his phallic weapon into a deep trench and then fires his hot loads into a vulnerable hole to be a faggot.

Like all episodes of L O S T, The Force Awakens contains elements of science fiction and the supernatural, a mysterious island, aircraft crashing, a lost main character, a black kid getting abducted, flashbacks, giant people for no reason, evil snoke, morbidly obese characters, torture, spooky apparitions, magical objects, ancient temples, a guy turning a crank, bald guys, countdown timers, people with broken legs, FTL travel, foreigners talking gibberish, references to child killing, people with psychic abilities, Greg Grunberg as a pilot, black people, bombs, azns, references to polar bears, a feisty white female lead who could play an elf, a visibly absent Dominic Monaghan, a story that makes no sense, people climbing down ladders, Ken Leung, it's vague on purpose so the writers can steal Internet fan theories to write the next one, and it ends with a cliffhanger (on an actual cliff this time).

Ever since Disney tossed the Expanded Universe out the window, there was a significant deficit of Star Wars Mary Sues to be found, as Galen Marek was gone with the rest of them. JJ Abrams was on the ball, however, as he created an equally ridiculous character called "Rey." Not only is she a white female in love with a black male, but she also is the best pilot ever, can understand literally every language uttered during the movie, is an expert with a bow staff, knows Force at Level 1 that Yoda needed years to master, has magical visions from touching shit, is captured only so she can escape on her own, defeats the villain who had years of training and experience, is the center of attention for all the protagonists and antagonists, is the only character Han Solo instantly loves and is hugged by Leia, even though they've never met before. Oh, she's not a Mary Sue? You're right; she bumped the Millennium Falcon into the ground a little while taking off, so she's completely flawed now.

A global hacking group was able to obtain a copy of the movie by social engineering the underpaid Indian IT workers at the Jew run Walt Disney Studios.[1]

JJ Abrams (Jew Jew Abrams) did to Star Wars what he did to the Star Trek movies he made. He rehashed the plot of previous movies and added no creativity. He also minimized the screen time of popular McCoy character and gave Uhuru a leading role because she's black. He then made Kirk into a juvenile delinquent. He goes a lot further in The Force Awakens.

The plot basically copies A New Hope with small changes:


   
“ 		 
“We wrote these characters but when we went to cast it, one of the things I had felt, having been to the Emmy’s a couple times — you look around that room and you see the whitest fucking room in the history of time. It’s just unbelievably white. And I just thought, we’re casting this show and we have an opportunity to do anything we want, why not cast the show with actors of colour?”
  		„
  		 

—JJ Abrams


  • Go to any store like a Best Buy selling tons of Star Wars: The Force Awakens merchandise and notice there are no toys of the black main character or any black characters unless the store is in a neighborhood full of black people. Instead there's lots of toys with Stormtroopers, masked Sith, and generic white rebel pilots. Hmmm... why is that? It would be because toy companies found that people rarely bought the black characters' toys. They'd rather buy a generic white character with no name in the film, even Hispanics and people from Asia (which had no major characters in the film).
  • Han Solo dies! #HanSoloDies #SpoilStarWars
  • Luke Skywalker is barely in it.
  • The Force Awakens is a just a blatant clone of the first Star Wars film. Nothing original.
    The Force Awakens is a just a blatant clone of the first Star Wars film. Nothing original.
  • In China, they downplayed the black main character in their advertising poster.
    In China, they downplayed the black main character in their advertising poster.
  • Like China, Korea hid the groid main character in the background.
    Like China, Korea hid the groid main character in the background.

Brief plot synopsis of The Force Awakens.

Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi (or SJW)

Overview

Black Man gets sexually assaulted by Asian Woman

Walt Disney Presents Milk Wars: Episode VIII - The Last SuperLeia is the latest shitshow from Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson, the guy who directed the fly episode of YO MR. WHITE, BITCH. Other alternate titles considered by Kathleen Kennedy included: Poe's Phony Phone Calls; Lightsabers? Blecch!; Hobo Luke Milks A Quadboob; Mary Sue Vandalizes A UNESCO World Heritage Site; Warming Over Carrie's Fisher's Corpse or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Space Witch; I'm Carrie Poppins Y'all; Maz Kanata Plays Star Wars Battlefront II And Finally Unlocks Darth Vader; PETA Visits A Space Horse Derby; How About Space Leprechauns U Guise?; A Cracker Is A Cracker; Snoke or Literally Who?; The Problem With Porgs; Chubby Rey Asks Adam Driver To Put A Shirt On; The Hyperspace Kamikaze Is A White Lady And Not The Asian One; Force Ghost Yoda Uses Force Lighting to Burn Down the Force Tree; It's Not Snow, It's Not Sand, It's Salt; Crystal Foxes Lead The Way; R2-D2's Greatest Hits; Levitating Luke Lookalike Looks Like Legit Luke LOL; At Least There Was No Death Star In This One; Finn Lives But Luke Dies Because Niggers Get Caught Stealing Vehicles And Asian Women Are Horrible Drivers; A Chinaman Kisses A Nigger or Chinese Box Office Poison; At Least That Walking Carpet ManBear And That Gay Gold Robot Are Still Alive U Guise; Making Terrorism Cool For 40 Years; Han Solo Was So Glad He Died In The Last One; and Dear Santa I Want A Resistance Ring For Christmas.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi was so bad, that ED sysop and soulless ginger William Atchison decided to murder two random people then an hero a week before its release, ensuring that at least three people will never see this dreck about Nazis In Space by the House of Mouse.

But wait, a SHITTY Star Wars film??

Shocking, I know! And yet it finally happened. But don't let the alt-right fool you, its shittyness has NOTHING to do with the increased levels of feminism and diversity quotas that was added to the film. In fact, this movie is actually pretty smart, TOO smart for the masses, and it's only got a bad score on Rotten Tomatoes and low ticket sales because of 4chan troll accounts, Russian hackers, the alt-right, white supremacists, being released at the wrong time of the year, global climate change and increased snow levels to keep fans from returning to watch it five times, or some other reason other than the fact that is was a shitty movie.

If you hate this movie, then you're just too stupid to understand it. You were probably also too stupid to vote for Hillary too.

The irony of this movie is that it spends its time shitting on fans for being so locked into Star Wars mythos and lore, despite the fact that it basically rips off The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. But that's just your typical liberal attitude: "Do as I say, not as I do." Despite being just as moronically derivative of its predecessors as The Force Awakens, TLJ spices it up by being a shittier version of the past films it's copying. With such a shit-tier script and moronic cast of characters, it's no wonder that normalfags are begging to have Jar Jar Binks's cock back in their mouths rather than endure another horrible minute of Porgs in their faces.

Much like the salty planet in the film, the Internet promptly overflowed with high levels of salt, as self-proclaimed "true fans" who hated it and self-proclaimed "fans" who liked it pathetically went to war with each other, with the latter being the more pathetic of the two, as they desperately try to damage control for the film in any way possible, from downvoting or deleting posts on Reddit that go against the narrative to forming perfectly valid and well-informed arguments in defense of the film, from such classics as "haters gonna hate," telling "haters" to leave their safe spaces, to not have any opinions that go against theirs or that "it's okay to burn books and revision the past to suit my own views" (some are actually insane enough to admit this), followed by calling the haters names and strawmanning them to represent whatever it is they hate or triggers them at the moment, such as: "CISHET male scum," "Russians," "GamerGate," "old people," "4chan," "8chan," "the alt-right," "Republicans," "Breitbart," "Alex Jones," "weeaboos," "Lord Voldemort" (because everything has to have a fucking Harry Potter reference for these idiots) and (of course) "Donald Trump" and other shit buzzwords nobody cares about. But hey, who needs actual cohesive arguments when it's far easier to just blame all of their problems on some kind of singular group of evil boogeymen and banning anyone who disagrees with them like a bunch of schizophrenic retards instead of acknowledging their faults and shortcomings, amirite? HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS, both of the two sides calling each other pathetic retards while failing to realize they are both pathetic retards.

How badly did The Last Jedi fuck shit up?

Sales are down, the Han Solo movie bombed, popular Star Wars novel writers were fired, and Hasbro is now stuck with so much unwanted and useless back stock that they have to think of creative ways to offload it. Case in point: a bouquet of Roses for Valentine's Day! No, not actual flowers, but a bouquet of Rose Tico toys clogging shelves and Hasbro's warehouse space!

A creative way of selling twelve copies of a toy no one wanted. So much progressive GRRL POWER for only 239.88!

Lucasfilm is lucky that they named her "Rose" to be able to pull this off and not something like "enema" or "dogfood" that would have stopped them from trying to spin their sale of tons of useless toys. But still, Lucasfilm wouldn't be in this position if they didn't release such a shitty film with boring characters in it.

Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

File:The Rise of Skywalker.jpg

The Rise of Shitwalker is final clusterfuck in the Sequel trilogy, only this time this movie was panned by literally everyone including critics. JJ Adrams is back for another rehash this time of "Return of the Jedi". Actually no, what it actually is a Star Wars fan fiction based on Return of the Jedi. The first few minutes are dedicating to retconning "The Last Jedi" for how awful it was and a massive "fuck you" to Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson for being able to direct the movie instead of his uncreative ass. Basically Edgelord tries to kill Mary Sue, and she finds out and goes to find him. Her worthless friends are in this movie. A bunch of fanservice to desprately remind you of the better movies. OMG! REY IS PALPATINE!!!. Princess Leila dies. Ray and Kylo are super pissed and try to kill each other. TONS OF FUCKING CGI EVERYWERE!!!. More pointless characters show up to fill at run time. HOLY SHIT!!! THE EMPEROR IS IN THIS MOVIE. Ray and Kylo team up to defeat him. Oh No, Ray is going to die. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS Kylo saves Ray, and they pwn the Emperor. Forced kiss between them. Ray steals the Skywalker name at the end. Oh and forced in gay kiss to please SJW's, but doesn't have reason to be in the movie to please communists.

This movie sucked ass, and was unworthy ending to the god awful Skywalker Saga.

Which was the entire point all along

It was supposed to suck ass. You were supposed to hate it. It was supposed to lose money. Why? Because you liked it and they hate you. They ruined Star Wars out of sheer spite. They were more than happy to cost some dumbass company billions - who cares about the money? Star Wars VII - IX are woke triumphalism, same as making football players wear pink for breast cancer awareness (is anyone not aware of breast cancer?). They destroyed Star Wars intentionally, consciously, for the same reason and in much the same way that they destroyed Bud Lite. They despise you, they are your implacable enemies. Never forget it.

ALL THIS SHIT IS NO LONGER CANON

This whole video summed up: "We love the EU, EU was great, EU has kept Star Wars alive for thirty years, EU has enriched the whole Star Wars experience, oh we love EU...
LOL JK, FUCK EU, it's discarded now"

Star Wars Holiday Special

This is hands down the best episode out of all the Star Wars films. It starts off with Han Solo and his furry friend in a space ship racing off to Chewbacca's tree house to celebrate the Wookies' Life Day. One who sees the first five seconds already knows this is a piece of shit. It consists of uncircumcised dicks making music with bongs, a tranny version of Luke Skywalker and a whole family of furries jacking off to 2girls1cup. What's not to like? But best of all, there is no ending. It just randomly switches off to an advertisement for Star Wars toys.

There's a good chance you will wish to become an hero after a few minutes of watching this masterpiece film, as its message of love is extremely influential and will make you regret all the terrible things you have done in the past. It's recommended that you separate yourself from any weapons and/or lethal drugs until the shock wears off.

Other media

Video games

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Juhani and Darth Revan.

There are three games in the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic franchise so far. The first involves an amnesiac Darth Revan trying to recall who s/he is (oh, spoilers, you're not supposed to learn the main character was Revan until near the end of the game, oops!) while recruiting a whiny guy, a loli Twi'lek, a Wookiee, a bitchy Jedi, a wise black man, a lesbian catgirl, two robots, and Mandalore.

The second game involves an exiled Jedi working with an amputated old woman and a team of a few idiots from the first game, plus new characters. It was rushed for release because LucasArts wanted Obsidian to churn it out before Holiday 2004. So a lot of content was cut out.

The third is the MMORPG. It hasn't been released yet, but it is hyped up to hell and back. Because OMG IT'S GOING TO BE THE WOW-KILLER (TOO BAD IT WAS FOR NOTHING, FAGGOTS). Maybe it won't have Jedi everywhere. And maybe this time one of its developers won't kill himself after putting in a game-breaking update that caused thousands of players to leave the game.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

The series which spawned Galen Marik who was in all essences God. His powers included being a whiny angst-ridden douchebag and being able to kill everyone and everything without much trouble.

This series was basically just a way for Jew Lucas to squeeze more pocket money out of 13-year-old boys as well as being able to piss the fans off more with a well executed piece of trolling.

It has been announced that in the third installment, there will be a sequence where Gaylen is fighting the entire Imperial fleet, flying through space without a space suit on, slicing through Star Destroyers and at the end, crushes the third Death Star with his mighty powers.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II – Electric Boogaloo

They gave Gaylen another glow-stick. Also it's a short game.

Star Wars books

Typical fanfic subject material.

Since fanboys apparently didn't have enough semen all over their limited edition Star Wars trilogy DVDs with the original theatrical releases, various authors everywhere decided it would be a great idea to write numerous books expanding the Star Wars universe. These masterpieces contain some of the biggest penis-sucking fanboy-overload of cock-gobbling fuckfests ever printed on paper. The undeniable truth is that unless you are a raging fanboy you probably have never read or even heard of these books (implying that you actually read of course).

The gay events of these books are including, but not limiting to: Han and Leia's kids, Chewbacca dying (:<) Death Star II 2: Electric Boogaloo, explanation of how Boba Fett survives the Sarlacc Pit, explanation of how Darth Maul and Samuel L. Jackson survive falling to their death in the movies, history of the Sith, how The Emporer comes back to life FIVE TIMES (srsly), and an entire fucking saga of Boba Fett.

Turkish Star Wars (Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam)

Turkish Star Wars

That's right Turkish Star Wars. Not only does Turkish Star Wars include exploding rocks, epic maneuvers, and a salad of healing, but it breaks every copyright law ever to exist in any form of entertainment. The movie includes no legible plot, downtime, English, furries (I ain't complainin'), or anything else that would ruin a movie. Sadly, Samuel L. Jackson was not in this movie. This movie does include: all of the above, cardboard sword, limbless lobsters, AIDS, and mummies.

PROTIP: This giant ripoff is still heads and shoulders above anything Lucas and company ever came up with, and proves that even Turks can do better than George Lucas.

The Plot is about Earth getting completely destroyed every time some years after 2000s, by space aliens, and the chunks that Earth gets blasted reform for humanity to rebuild.Some of these parts fly into space, and one of the rocks that flew to space is full of Arab and evil alien overlord who is 1,000 years old and requires blood of the fallen humans to survive. Two brave Turkish pilots lead a defense force against this Alien Overlord and accidentally crash unto this small planetoid. Abandoning their ships and looking for help, the duo get attacked by Stormtroopers with swords and horses. They kill them and find out that this place is a rock that flew away from Turkey and contains the remnants of 13th Tribe. They try to kill the Alien King but cannot defeat his army of furries. Thus they start to train with cardboard rocks and rub salad of healing on their skins to get better. Still they get captured when they go to a bar full of aliens and shitty music from whatever cantina Star Wars had, and the furries try to mummify them. Anyway, they find some wooden sword of light that cuts everything apart, one of them betrays the other and dies, and our surviving hero cleaves the Alien King in two.

Star Wars and fat kids

In keeping with the Internet's phenomena of fat people making embarrassing videos of themselves, a young Canadian boy-whore named Ghyslain Raza (sounds like a Star Wars faggot!) secretly made a video of himself messing about and pretending a golf ball retriever was a Lightsaber. His mean-spirited classmates then put the video on the Internets, thus spawning the Star Wars Kid. He actually sued the tits off of them, settled out of court. Apparently, Ghyslain's classmate intended to upload videos of the fat boy getting butt-raped by his gay friend and enjoying it, but the wrong video was obtained.

Jek Porkins

The overweight X-Wing pilot Jek Porkins is a role-model for fat kids, Kevin Smith and neckbeards worldwide, because he can pilot his spaceship while simultaneously consuming vast quantities of cheeseburgers and soda.

Star Wars fan boys

Shitloads of nerds are obsessed with this pile of crap such as the homo who turned his Honda Civic into the H-wing. According to comedian Brian Posehn, the best way to troll Star Wars fanboys is to run up to them and yell "Picard stinks!! Kirk was way better!!" However, some fans like Sonbreezie also like Star Trek and in some lesser degree Stargate. ...or maybe Star vs. the Forces of Evil... cuz stars and Disney and other shit right???

   
“ 		 
I love ya too but I reject your opinion of the situation. When someone comes here claiming that the PT is better than TFA, ROTJ, or any-god-you-choose-help-us ANH or ESB, when they insist the PT are good, well-made movies, when they wilfully ignore the racist tinge of TPM, I’m going to mock it. When someone comes here and asks for an invite without any intention of sticking around or contributing in any way, I’m going to mock it. When someone has the opinion that Rey is a shitty character and (more importantly) if you think otherwise you are just thinking with your dick, I’m going to call it out as bullshit. When someone makes fun of Down syndrome AND accuses me of making up my FUCKING DEAD DAUGHTER, I’m going to call them an asshole and do my damned best to get them banned. When that person keeps coming back with new accounts, I’m gonna do my best to get him banned again and again. When someone calls Rey a loathsome mysogynist term like a “Mary Sue” I’m going to call them out for being misogynist. When someone is too chicken-shit to notify the mods or Jay about my behavior, but won’t shut the hell up about it, I’m gonna call that out. When someone brags (!) about pirating TFA, I’m going to call them a pirate and an idiot.
  		„
  		 

—All Star Wars fans are SJWs [2]


Fanbois on the Internets

Child abuse

There are thousands of Star Wars fan sites on the Internets, and a consistent number of wikis, most notably Wookieepedia and its minor bitch sister, the Star Wars Fanon Wiki. Other Star Wars wikis in the Internets:

Even the sick fuck Chris-chan likes Star Wars.

Trying too hard to troll

StarTrek727 : Hello my Sci-Fi friend. How goes the intergalactic battle?

JediKnightX : hey there, who are you?

StarTrek727 : You don't know me... I read in your buddy profile that you are a Star Wars fan... nice screen name by the way.

JediKnightX : Um, yeh thanks. Your screen name is pretty unoriginal, don't you think?

StarTrek727 : I'm only professing my love for Star Trek, you have a problem with that punk?

StarTrek727 : It's not like Star Wars is cooler than Star Trek...Star Wars sucks ass.

JediKnightX : Excuse me, you are insulting the very essence of what I stand for, the nobility of the Jedi way and what it means to be a true Star Wars fan.

StarTrek727 : Everyone knows that in a fight, Star Trek would put a beat down to Star Wars.

JediKnightX : Are you joking me? There is substantial empirical and theoretical data supporting Star Wars dominance.

JediKnightX : Don't test me young man, I would blow your feeble mind away.

StarTrek727 : You smell bad.

StarTrek727 : Do you have a pony tail? I bet you do... those are so Star Wars. Do you think George Lucas is pretty?

StarTrek727 : Would you " blow" me away with the Force? That is pretty cool though, like when they move stuff with their minds, So BADASS. Can you do that?

JediKnightX : If you continue to offer me gibberish I will be forced to end this conversation.

StarTrek727 : I bet you have a purdy mouth.

JediKnightX : Alright, it's clear you don't care to try my knowledge. Leave me.

StarTrek727 : Hey...

JediKnightX : What?

StarTrek727 : Alright, you want to fight, Lets RUMBLE biatch.

JediKnightX : Hit me with anything you've got.

StarTrek727 : First off... #1 Star Trek didn't have any gay characters, what do you say in defense of your precious Jar Jar Binks, that guy was a flamer. You'd probably like to have hot Jar Jar man-love with him, eh?

JediKnightX : I call that a pitiful argument of a desperate Trekkie. You obviously understand no core data about logistics, weaponry, shielding, etc.

StarTrek727 : Au contraire my little semantic sleeper.

StarTrek727 : While I may not be a diehard wackjob... studying episodes, transcripts, blueprints like yourself, I do have some key points to establish for Star Trek superiority.

JediKnightX : Let's hear em.

StarTrek727 : One quick question, do you touch yourself when you think of Darth Vader with his mask off? He is so cute.

JediKnightX : I grow tired of you.

StarTrek727 : #2, Worf would kill Chewbacca in a fight. Your dude is all hair, no muscle.

StarTrek727 : Pure street fight, no lasers, no little Star Wars gadgets.... just raw POWER. Your wookie would die to my Klingon!

JediKnightX : Chewbacca would tower over Worf, by at least a foot and a half. Besides, his physical dominance is clearly shown through out the Star War movies, while Worf's power is roughly equivalent to about 2.5 men.

StarTrek727 : You are forgetting one fact kind sir....

JediKnightX : What's that?

StarTrek727 : I would have Worf so juiced up on steroids and pain killers he would feel no pain... you would feel the PAIN sucka.

JediKnightX : You are such a child... Here's a topic for you: Spaceship 1 on 1 battles. Star Wars' tactical warships would handle anything Star Trek could offer.

StarTrek727 : Tactical warships? Is that a new warship that gives you suck-ass action?

StarTrek727 : Are you a hairy person, I imagine all the Star Wars guys as really hairy.

JediKnightX : You really make no sense.

StarTrek727 : Hey! You watch your tone with me Han Solo, don't make me go call my Trekkie Mafia.. we would F you up. Me, Picard, Data, Worf... god, we'd be a Wrecking crew.

JediKnightX : I see you dabble in the realm of insanity. Well, as much fun as this has been, I must be off.

StarTrek727 : Wait... I am sorry.... I am being childish and immature. I admit it.

StarTrek727 : I have no friends, my mom and dad keep me locked in the basement... on account of my Albinism. Do you know how hard it is to be a pale faced freak?!

JediKnightX : Are you serious? It's okay, I didn't realize that.

StarTrek727 : I'll let you go, although I have one more point... hear me out please.

JediKnightX : Sure thing.

StarTrek727 : Lets assume that you are right about Star Wars being superior. That they would stomp Star Trek on all the technobabble shit you have discussed... That you, JediKnightX, are much better suited to do battle then the likes of... a childish, Albino freak. I will throw in the towel to these facts... but one true question remains... one which will settle it all:

JediKnightX : What's that?

StarTrek727 : Do you have man-boobs?

JediKnightX : Goodbye.

StarTrek727 : Live long and prosper my friend... live long and prosper!

Star fan wars

Animal abuse

On three separate occasions, arguments involving the superiority of Star Wars to Doctor Who, and vice versa, have exploded into three wars. These wars have killed thousands of innocent people, but considering that most of them were cosplayers and Narutards it isn't THAT sad. These wars are generally fought at conventions in the United States, because even the nerds there are gun nuts. Most of these fights wind up making an awful mess of the whole arena, and seeing as both sides are too weak and frail to hold any winnings from the cops, most of these battles wind up a tie, such as the Battle of L.A. Con. But a few exceptions, such as the Battle of A-kon, were victories for the Mecha fans, who had armed themselves and incidentally wiped both sides off the map. There is currently a Star fan war in progress in Korea, Japan and the western seaboard of the United States. Mecha peacekeepers have managed to contain the thread of pathetic nerd-dom.

How to troll Star Wars fans

Darth Faggot
  • Focus on the Lightsaber, after all, it's just a big flashlight. The blade is a plasma of photons or charged particles that have almost no mass at all so how do they balance the lack of mass from the blade so these Jedis can do all these fancy spins with their Lightsaber?
  • The Rebel Alliance is basically an Islamic terrorist group because they have no qualms about using children as fighters or soldiers. In Episode I, Little Orphan Annie actually flew a fighter in a battle. He was what, 10? Many of the Disney bastardizations all have children who fight so that Disney can brainwash kids into giving their lives up for Allah.
  • What is the learning curve for modern technology in Star Wars. It takes maybe a month to become a Jedi but the training program for the X-Wing fighter has to be about 45 minutes. What's really funny and scary at the same time is L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth is more plausable in that the main character finds a still working flight simulator 1,000 years in the future so he can teach cavemen how to fly Harrier Jump Jets compared to Luke Skywalkers non-existent training program and deus ex machina plot device of having the story say that he's a crack pilot like his father.
  • All those nice fighter jet style rolls they do can't be done in space because it lacks an atmosphere.
  • How fast does a laser blast move in Star Wars? Light should move at 186,000 miles per second in a vacuum and the fact that you can see the laser blast and a Jedi has more than enough time to react to one and block it with their Lightsaber, being mere feet away, means their laser blasts are moving much slower. Slower than modern bullets. Some experts have even said that a Major League Baseball pitcher's fastball moves faster than one of their laser blasts. Firing a laser at someone a few feet, yards or even miles away would have an instantaneous effect on them. Think on this, Earth's moon is 240,000 miles from the Earth's surface and it only takes light about one and a quarter seconds to reach the Earth from the Moon's surface.
  • You might be able to see the laser blasts in an atmosphere because it might be reacting with the gasses and dust but there is no way you'd be able to see them in space with no atmosphere.
  • How secure is their society when anyone with an R-2 unit can hack a computer in seconds.
  • The reason they played up the Whole Luke and Leia thing is because no one knew if Harrison Ford would stay on. In fact, many old Expanded Universe books had Luke and Leia fucking like Australian field mice before the third movie made them brother and sister.
    • That's cold, man. Mice plagues are no joke.

Criticism

Has anyone else notice that the various made-up names in Star Wars are baby-talk? "Dooku"? "Padawan"? Even "Jedi" shits the ever-loving shit outta me.

Amusingly, they had to change "Dooku" to "Dookan" somewhere or other because in the local language 'Dooku' means 'penis' because of course it does, what else could it possibly mean?

Fuck! I just realized just now! Half the fictional names in Star Wars sound like they were made up by Jar-Jar Binks!!!

Star Wars: The Disney Saga


  • You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.
    You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.
  • Star Wars: Episode VII title leaked.
    Star Wars: Episode VII title leaked.


Twi'leks

Many Star Wars nerds fap to the thought of fucking a Twi'lek, an alien with two penises hanging down its head. This can be seen here in video form:

Cosplay stupidity.


Sims mod.

Doge pwns fans. Twi'leks loli at 3:10

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See also

Even Stormtroopers have feelings...
An old villain returns to battle the forces of good

External links


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