Chicago
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BREAKING NEWS!! 762 homicides in 2016! |
Chicago, also known as "Chimpcongo" or "Chiraq" (if you're a nigger, of course), is the capital of the state of Illinois. It is a city composed of a dense, creamy liberal interior and a conservative, yet crunchy, suburban outer crust. While not outwardly huge assholes like New Yorkers, Chicagoans will step on your windpipe and eat a baby to save fifteen seconds in commute time all with a neighborly wave and grin. In almost all cases to get to Chicago you must first travel through the shit hole capital of the world. The city is split into three sections, the North side, the South side, and the West side, all Asians are restricted to endless street races around suburbs and highways. Citizens of each side adamantly hate the other two, and they plan their destruction on a daily basis. It is held in local legend that some day Mike Ditka will return to unite the three warring factions, for he is da Chicago incarnate. Chicago's Chinese community in Chicago's China Town are still treated as the city's top bitches & have cheap apartment rent.
Population
The population of Chicago is irrelevant. No one cares. Chicagoans don't care, The United States Census Bureau doesn't care, and you shouldn't care. There are far too many illegal wetbacks having kids every three seconds to count anyhow, but in the end it probably cancels out because they end up shooting each other to death before they hit the age of six, although by then they all had at least three or four kids of their own. It's a never ending cycle of drive-by shootings and unplanned toddler pregnancies.
There exists a large number of social classes in Chicago, the largest of which include emotionally crippled teenagers like Brian Zable and Gumby, and their bloated, angry, mustached fathers. People in Chicago think they are better than people in the rest of Illinois because Chicago is bigger and obviously more important. This is true. The Chicago metro area contains at least ten thousand million people, as opposed to the rest of Illinois' mere three people, two halflings, a half dozen barely functioning tractors, and trillions of corn stalks. The sooner they finally realize that, the more they can focus on farming, cattle sodomization, and whatever else it is they do. Chicagoans also like to think that Chicago is the center of everything cultural in the United States because they have advanced far in the realm of hot dogs, creating one so great that Jesus himself could not do better, thus attaining the legendary and debated hot dog Nirvana. The Buddha himself could not meditate his way to that. They got him beat on the beer gut as well. Chicago demonstrates their legendary hospitality by being such faggots about their culture that they refuse to stock ketchup on their hot dog stands.
The city's growth has brought loud-mouthed douchebag yuppies to the city and shrill closed-minded families to the suburbs. They bring with them Starbucks, Gap Outlets, Crate and Barrels, and live in gated subdivision communities lest savages from the west invade and pillage their vinyl-sided crapbox homes. In short, all this isn't no anti-good for not nobody. A quin-negative combo like that deserves a gold star.
Supposed homeless women stand outside starbucks begging for change while holding toddlers (Protip: Don't get pregnant if you're broke!) while her older kids are inside the cafe playing Nintendo DS and talking on cell phones. Chicago's homeless aren't poor and don't need shit. Because of this, they should be punched in the face at every opportunity.
Weather
Summer: Uncomfortably warm and sticky. Like your creepy uncle who likes to touch.
Fall: See Winter.
Winter: Like a perpetual ice hurricane that exists only to make you fantasize about how the dead feel no pain. Reduces homeless population by at least 100%.
Spring: See Summer.
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Sweet home, Chicago. |
Transportation
Chicago has some of the most congested roads and networks in the entire country. Interstates 290, 294, 355, and 88 don't even connect any states, but they connect to each other, in a manner that makes it clear that the Illinois Department of Transportation is staffed by people of subhuman intelligence. If you plan on using highways, prepare to either A) Be stopped every mile to to be tolled 80 cents to three dollars, or B) Go through the Auto toll that nobody buys the sensor for and get a ticket four years later. The Dan Ryan, arguably the most congested expressway evar, has a speed limit of 55. Lake Shore Drive, arguably the least congested expressway in Chicago, has a speed limit of 45. Cops hide behind overpasses and bushes across these veritable traffic fuckholes to meet their ticketing quotas and to ensure that sure you don't run over the über-compacted economy cars driven by geriatrics and beaners.
To ship away as many people as it can, Chicago has a huge-ass airport called O'Hare that is operated by a cabal of Jews who shut down all arrivals and departures the moment anything falls out of the sky, like a raindrop, or a snowflake. It's so big that it has become self aware and must be fed nearby neighborhoods to keep it under control. Midway, Chicago's other airport that is a pretty cool guy, was overtaken by Southwest Airlines and has flourished into a child-killing device during the winter. Flights average a 12 year delay getting in or out. It's the only place on earth where walking thousands of miles to a destination is a viable alternative to flying.
There are literally billions of trains in Chicago. Most lower class families actually live on top of moving freight trains that do nothing but circle aimlessly, empty and locked. The city also has an elevated/subway train system called the "EL", named by uneducated Mexicans who could only explain the system as "the". The El prides itself with its always-on-time crashes and regular delays. All El trains are designated "stab zones." They're also full of homeless people who beg and literally smell like shit and piss, but they probably do it on purpose to get more of your Jew
The bus system can be more or less summed up as following: A staggering and incomprehensible mess of routes anywhere north of the downtown and about three routes in the entire South Side. Chicago buses travel in herds; this means you can wait up to seven hours before your choice of 15 buses come to pick you and nine thousand other people up.
The entire Train/Bus system has been abandoned permanently as of recent. It's kinda like Mad Max in the subways now. The only thing left is the Metra Commuter Rail, which is ridden mostly by suburbfags who previously starred in every John Hughes movie ever, and is equally shitty; The only win is that every train is hauled by an F40PH.
History
Chicago was discovered in the Cretaceous Period by French fur trappers venturing into the dark and scary midsection of the New World. What they found horrified them, a land populated by a race of colorful teddy bears living in peace amongst themselves and other creatures. Consistent with what happens when White people discover anything, a bloody genocide quickly followed. The next day the entire city was built by Mike Ditka.
The area became filled by Irish, Italian, and Polish immigrants. There are currently more Irish, Italian, and Polish people in Chicago then in Ireland, Italy, and Poland. In fact, the nearby states of Wisconsin and Indiana were soon completely incorporated as suburbs of Chicagoland.
At some point a lolcow knocked a lamp over, burning down the entire city. It could have been easily stopped but everyone was on a union break. The entire city was rebuilt in three days by Mike Ditka who then ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. Jesus got the boot.
Chicago police have a proud upstanding history of beating the ever living fuck out of anything un-mustached, moving or not. Interestingly enough, the Chicago Police are completely uncontrolled by the city government and act as more of a mercenary gang, plundering and ticketing as they see fit. Official policy is as follows: "Fuck you. Always."
Another interesting note is that North Chicago has a Naval base where the Navy boot camp is located, where thousands of patriotic young men endure rough training to become full-fledged Sailors. Srsly, Chicago, a fucking city located on a fucking state in the mid-fucking-west, miles away from an actual ocean, has a fucking Navy base. Hoo-fucking-yah.
Politics
Early 1980s: Republican Gov 'Big Jim' Thompson comes to power, has repeated pool parties with tons of 20 year old guys and gets his dick sucked by them then pounds them in the ass. Mike Madigan becomes Speaker of the House.
1990s-Big Jim Thompson gives way to Republican Jim Edgar, who was pretty much the most beloved Gov by both parties in a long time. 1994 goes absolutely crazy, Republicans get the majority in the house for the first and only time in 50 years, shove through a ton of insane legislation (changed how liability works for lawsuits, all sorts of stuff) that promptly gets ruled unconstitutional by the supreme court. Angelo 'Skip' Saviano, gets elected as a Republican to the statehouse. In '96 the Dems & Mike Madigan get the House back and keep it. Skip challenges Madigan to a showdown in his first month in office and somehow wins, no one knows what happens here besides hilarious mob shit going down, Skip becomes the only Republican in the history of illinois to be a chairman of a committee while being in the minority party, and also gets his two best buds the same benefits (extra pay for this). '98 George Ryan takes over as governor, is corrupt as fuck.
2000s-Ryan goes down in scandal, Blago takes over. Republicans lose the Senate for good in '02. In 2001 the state is redistricted. Because the Senate is republican & house is dem, envelopes are drawn from a hat by the Secretary of State jesse white (democrat). Democrats are smart-they don't seal their envelope fully, so White reaches in, feels for the envelope that he knows isn't correctly sealed, draws it out, Dems get their map (and lock in control due to gerrymandering). Republicans don't realize this until about 30 minutes later,woops. '03-Lisa Madigan, Mike's daughter, becomes Attorney General, does a pretty good job. Blago is incapable of working with Dem legislators and keeps betraying promises, eventually resulting in Dems requiring Blago to sign written promises they make so they can use the written documents against him when he reneges. At this point Blago is the worst gov in 20+ years because he can't even get his own party to trust him, it's completely incredible. It later becomes apparent Mike Madigan is setting up Blago for a fall so Lisa can become gov, partly due to Blago's incompetence.
Blago knocks up his secretary in '04-05, causing his father in law Dick Mell (who is super powerful in Chicago) to freak out in the press, but he can't say specifically what happened, so there's like 6 months of newspaper stories about landfills and cronyism that makes no sense until you realize it's because Blago is cheating on his wife and daddy is super mad.
Also in '04-05ish, Mike raids the general pension fund to help the budget, creates massive shortfalls but no one notices because they won't hit for a few decades. things get worse and worse for Blago, everyone is expecting Lisa to primary him in '06, she doesn't, and then it's even more certain she'll primary him in '10, but the FBI arrests him first. Pat Quinn takes over, the same guy who fucked things up in 1980 when he did a 'putback' amendment that did a few specific things with election laws-a byproduct of which is that Mike Madigan is one of three Speakers in IL history to server more than 6 years-the other two served 8, Madigan is in his 26th year.
Lisa was expected to run for Senator or Gov this year and have a cakewalk, with the entire republican & democratic establishment waiting to see where she goes so they can dodge her. she stays put instead, Kirk goes for Senate and Gov becomes an incredible tossup. Rumor is Mike/Lisa think things are going to go horribly in '10 and didn't want to take a chance.
Events
- Getting drunk on St. Patrick's day and wandering the city sort of near the huge parade half-naked, since half of the population thinks they're 100% pureblood Irish even though they're just normal alcoholic rich white fucks.
- Gridlock
- Chicagoans are known to burn things in celebration of the fire that caused major lulz. This isn't really a special event, more of a daily occurrence
- Watching the Cubs fail
- Mike Ditka
- Lulzcon 2007, home of the infamous floating dongs.
- Taste of Chicago is a way to exercise your esophagus by eating $10 chocolate brownies and polish sausages injected with bacon paste in the hottest direct sunlight available without actually touching the sun. Drunk, sweaty people - to the tune of 1-2 million - pig out and walk the same cramped area while carrying their 10-20 empty beer cups stacked on top of each other as a sign of their masculinity. Oh, but the fountain shoots bum urine all over every fifteen minutes so it's "fun"
- Watching AZNs take pictures of the Sears Tower over and over, as if over 9000 aren't on Flickr already
- An Hero day can be any day when someone decides to jump in front of oncoming CTA train. This is full of lulz but makes people late to work
Chicago Sports
Shortly after taking office, Mayor Rahm Emanuel spilled grape juice all over a polar bear pelt he received as a parting gift from an Eskimo prostitute he once hired. He proceeded to take his anger out on the people by ordering all Chicago sports teams to have their best player be injured at some point during the following season, before they win anything worth giving a fuck about. The Bears and the Bulls didn't get the notice that it was only to be for the 2011/2012 season, however, and continue to find new ways for their best players to get hurt.
- Baseball: Chicago is renowned as the home of the Chicago Cubs who are the epitome of failure as they have not won anything in at least 100 years. No, seriously, it has really been 100 IRL years.
The aspies are actually leading the division this year, thanks to Lou Pinella. And yet they still get swept in the first round.back to sucking... move along. The White Sox are rumored to have won some meaningless victory. Anthropologists are looking into the claim.
- Football: Chicago's NFL team are called "Da Bears", and are the front-runners in the Chicago sports tradition winning a lot of meaningless games followed by humiliating themselves in the important ones. The 1985 championship Bears were one of the best football teams ever, something that Chicagoans proudly celebrate despite the fact that it happened 29 years ago - the same number of years it has been since anyone outside of Chicago gave a flying fuck about it. In 2006, the Bears got lost in the garden center of a Chicago area Wal-Mart, and in their confusion, they somehow ended up at the SuperBowl in Miami. Local police were able to escort them out of the stadium before any serious damage was done. The Bears were previously lead by a drifter who referred to himself as "Lubbie Smif". He was offered a coaching job one day when he casually wandered into the Bears' front offices and asked to use the restroom. He later brought in friend and fellow drifter Jay Cutler, who still appears to be bitter about his missed opportunity to be the 6th Backstreet Boy, to be the team's quarterback. The team is now being run by some old fucker from Denver.
- Basketball: After Michael Jordan retired, all championship basketball was banned from Chicago. Some fucktards thought that would change with the arrival of Derrick Rose, but every time he tries something adventurous, he fucks up his knee.
- Hockey: In 2013 the Chicago Blackhawks accidentally won a championship while some filthy kike was tending to Sidney Crosby's case of hemorrhoids. They immediately apologized to the city and continued sucking at the beginning of the next season. Then the exact same thing happened 2 years later! Weird, huh?
- Soccer: Anyone outside of the scope of beaners and dog-fucking firefighters would rather attempt to rape a mountain lion than watch divegrass. However, instead of simply not having a professional soccer team, they established one and named it after the time the whole damn city burned down, just to get the message across.
- Also featuring: Tourists that can't figure out the difference between United Center and Union Station and CM Punk fanbois
The Penis That Could Have Been
The World's largest phallic object (also known as the Chicago Spire) Was supposed to be the biggest and most beautiful penis ever built. It would have been erected over 9,000 miles into the sky, thus becoming the tallest building in America and the 87th tallest building in the world. It would have officially replaced Florida as America's penis, and proved to the world that Chicago really is trying to compensate for something. The building got cancelled when the money people who were funding the project stopped having money. No one cares.
Aggressive Fish
It is a well known and documented fact that the fish of Lake Michigan have been known to invade and pillage the homes of residents living in harbors and coastal settlements. Occasionally the case is made for a Chicagoan militia in order to stop such attacks, but recent gun laws make this impossible. Aggressive Fish.
Awful Shit That Has Come Out of Chicago
- Barack Obama
- Fall Out Boy -- we are so very sorry. No, seriously- you have no idea how sorry we are.
- Lucky Boys Confusion -- does anyone remember this band anymore? If you do, we are so very sorry. No, seriously- you have no idea how sorry we are.
- The Academy Is... (another shitty emo band).
- Disturbed (a wannabe heavy-metal band).
- Kanye West - LOLOLOL arrested again!
- CM Punk - Overrated carny wrestler
- Mayor Daley
- Jay Mariotti
- Jim Belushi
- Anabelle Lotus
- Groundbreaking Art Performance
- Dru Davidson
- Hillary Clinton
- Oprah Winfrey
- Ray Kroc -- for helping form McDonald's
- Boystown, a Neighborhood on the North Side.
- Interstates that just all connect to each other.
- ROD FUCKING BLAGOJEVICH
- Anarchists (fleeing from police batons).
- Chief Keef
- A new wave of awful "drill" rappers
- No ketchup on a hotdog, a stupid rule everyone must follow, yet people still do it for the lulz.
- That giant fucking bean (hasn't left Chicago yet, but Lawd help us all when it escapes).
Cool Things to Come Out of Chicago
- Al Capone
- Al Jourgensen (and a fuckload of other awesome musicians)
- Gillian Anderson
- Chicago (the band)
- Harrison Ford
- Hugh Heffner
- CupcakKe
- Chris Hansen
- John Belushi
- Mike Ditka
- Rod Blagojevich (epic troll)
- Crazyconan
- Sears/Willis Tower
- The Blues Brothers
- Baldwin Brothers
- Robert Crimo
- Polish Sassage
- A band with the same name
- Niggers -- oh wait...
- The Chicago Police Department
- Chicago's and IL's government in general (Plenty of politicians in court/jail)
- More fucking Ukies than the rest of Illinois put together
- Wesley Willis
