Saudi Arabia

Typical Saudi citizen.

... fun.

Saudi Arabia is a desert that occupies all land that Jordan, Iraq, Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates, Oman, and Yemen didn't want. Wherever those countries are not, Saudi Arabia is. Like in Yemen (5"-12,7cm), men in Saudi Arabia have tiny dicks (4,9"-12,4cm).

Unbelievably, it still has a king (never a Queen), as well as a democratic parliament consisting of cronies the king put in power THE PEOPLE'S HOLY REPRESENTATIVES. Because it has more oil than anyone else, its several cities are actually modern with skyscrapers and shopping malls and other modern stuff. They have cool technology funded by oil-hungry white people as well as huge mosques which are practically the only things designed by the Arabs themselves, and a couple of fancy palaces for the King, all with stockpiles of porno movies, beer, and women's clothing. Then there are lots of shithole towns made of scrap metal and wood, tents belonging to rich camel-owning sheiks and their 72 wives, oil fields scattered throughout the country, and a military base for the American Empire; the rest of it is just miles after miles of worthless desert.

With strict Islamic law enforced by a cadre of highly armed and trained religious police who all want 72 virgins ready and willing to enforce it, SA prides itself on being the most Muslim and least democratic or progressive society in the entire world. With women's rights constantly being reduced, bloody severed hands and feet in the streets, and constant gunshots and chopping sounds announcing the execution of an infidel, Saudi Arabia is a leading role model in the struggle to reverse human progress worldwide. In fact, just last Thursday it passed Africa in the running for the prestigious title of Biggest Shithole on Earth.

Law and order

Flag of Saudi Arabia

Notice the similarity?

Of course you do...

• Public theatres are prohibited
• Cinemas are prohibited
• Female athletes are prohibited
• Drugs are prohibited
• Romance is prohibited
• Not praying to Allah is prohibited
• Pork is prohibited
• Crossdressing is prohibited
• Porn is prohibited
• Filipinos are prohibited unless they are your servants
• Homosexuality is (officially) prohibited
• Jews are prohibited
• Shiite Muslims are prohibited
• Atheists are prohibited
• Hookers are prohibited
• Abortion is prohibited
• Non-Arabic languages are prohibited
• Gambling is prohibited
• Science is prohibited
• Shaving is prohibited
• Bibles are prohibited
• The Internet is prohibited
• Pokémon are prohibited
• Adultery is prohibited
• Non-marital sex or anal sex of any kind is prohibited
• Alcohol is allowed!! (kidding, prohibited)
• Defaming (or even drawing) Muhammad is prohibited
• Letting a woman out of the kitchen without a male relative accompanying her is prohibited
• Being a woman is a sin and the sentence is stoning.
• Sorcery is prohibited
• Being gay is prohibited
• Women drivers are prohibited (although they are allowed to fly planes if they are driven to the airport)
• Dirty text messages are prohibited
• Marrying out of love is prohibited
• Red roses are prohibited
• Smoking is prohibited
• Gangbangs are prohibited - but it's her fault!
• Oral Communication is prohibited.
• Education is useless, hence prohibited.
• Logic is illogical, because logic doesn't make sense, hence prohibited.
• Being beheaded or lashed is roundly encouraged!

Friendly religious police from the Ministry of Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice will be glad to assist you in meeting Allah personally, should you violate any of Shari'a law's reasonable proscriptions. If they don't shoot you there and then, they will be happy to take you to a Shari'a court, where you will get a fair trial and be found guilty. One of the following things will happen to you:

• You could be shot privately.
• You could be beheaded publicly in a place called "chop-chop square" with thousands of people watching for the lulz, since it's the only fun you can get in Saudi Arabia.
• You could be tied to a pole and have a stripper fall on your face. The stripper is Rosie O'Donnell, or at least smells like her.
• Your hands or feet or both might be chopped off and confiscated. But glued back on, once you say "I'm sorry".
• If you are lucky, you'll just get whipped until you are unable to sit down and not an inch of skin is left on your back.
• If your are very lucky, you will get to listen to Sarah Palin or some crazy old man in a bedsheet talk about freedom and war on terror until you beg for mercy or ears bleed.

The right to die

A bit like the Dignitas An Hero service, it is very easy to end one's life in Saudi Arabia. Christians are beheaded, Jews are beheaded, princesses are beheaded, people who drink alcohol are beheaded, fornicators are beheaded, adulterers are stoned to death, thieves are beheaded and homosexuals are beheaded, so a three-way drunken orgy with a member of minor royalty and a married rabbi in a stolen bed should do the trick.

High standard of living

All you have to do to have the best standard of living in the world is be a member of the Royal House of Saud. Everything is free, you are immune to the law and not even the Americans will try to tell you what to do - at which point you are encouraged to partake in some of Saudi Arabia's abundant pleasures. Popular activities include eating figs, drilling for more delicious oil, garrisoning imperial crusader troops, pedophilia, and falconry.

Saudi Armed Forces

An elite gunnery unit of the Saudi Army.

Saudi Arabia has a shitty army due to the fact that most of the country is miles and miles of worthless sand. However, places like oil fields, the King's many palaces, and all of the Islamic terrorist training camps religious centers must be protected, so Saudi Arabia has 150,000 sandniggers in its army, and uses its oil money to pay whitey for cool-looking weapons and military equipment. However, the West has to train the Saudis, as the sandniggers are incapable of figuring it out for themselves due to hundreds of years of cousin fucking. Although it has a lot of rustbucket tanks and APCs made in Russia and America (both countries want the oil), most of its transport consists of indigenous camels. Suicide vests, car bombs, and half-functioning Russki-style mortars are all military hardware produced locally.

Tourism

Faggotry brought to you by the House of al-Saud

Whereas, say, in the UK, Mecca is merely a chain of Bingo halls, in Saudi Arabia, Mecca is much better, and has more holiness per square foot than any crap sandy hellhole in the whole world. However, anyone who is found sneaking in wearing a false beard will be beheaded. And if you are a Muslim, expect to pay one Saudi rial ($10,000 in other money) for the pleasure of owning a pair of shitty white pajamas in which to visit the holy sites, along with about 6,000,000 other Hajjis who will gladly trample you until you are as one with the hallowed ground.

For centuries the Grand Mosque in Mecca was the holiest place in Islam, even though it started out as a temple full of pagan bullshit in the middle of a worthless desert. Mecca itself for centuries was just a shitty, run-down town made of mud buildings, with tent cities to hold the hajj pilgrims who arrived every year to do their penance and show their loyalty to the Profit/Prophet. They walked around and around the Kaaba, a stupid little building covered with black cloth, until they fell over from heat exhaustion. Even stupid Christians aren't that stupid.

Then, with the kingdom awash in billions of American bloodsoaked dollars, in the 2000s the royal family and their friendly businessmen (including the Bin Laden Group, ho ho ho) decided it was time to "upgrade" the Holiest Place On Earth. So they started faggotizing the place, turning it into a garish and overpriced theme park. A gigantic hotel, featuring the world's biggest c(l)ock, was built right next to the mosque (by tearing down a historic Ottoman fort, because of course the royals don't give a shit about history or archaeology). Then other dickweed businessmen with "connections" started throwing up more luxury hotels, shopping malls, parking garages for their Lambos, etc. around the mosque. This was so the friends, relatives, and vassal sheiks of other Muslim countries could use the money they ripped off from their nationalised oil companies, starving citizens and guest workers to stay in vulgar air-conditioned luxury. The poorer pilgrims still have to stay in filthy tent cities, just a lot farther away.

The best joke about the Kingdom is that it didn't exist at all for centuries, because the Ottoman Turks controlled the entire Arabian peninsula. What we call the "royal family" were just a bunch of Bedouin tribespeople who usually wandered around the desert, because they didn't have anything. Plus their goat-fucker "subjects", who were amongst the poorest people in the world. Then....

Lawrence of Arabia

Lawrence of Arabia was a Britfag who invented S&M, camel fucking, stealing oil, and killing yourself on a motorcycle. Whilst avoiding being sectioned by the British Army, he disappeared into the desert (a bit like that bloke from the science fiction novel Dune) and was responsible for bringing buttplugs, personal hygiene, writing, electricity, piped water, roads, television, Western pop music, Coca Cola, and toilet paper to Saudi Arabia. (Didn't have to bring them homosexuality, they already had plenty of homegrown dick-munching.)

He wrote The Koran For Dummies and introduced the Turks to male ass-rape. Thanks to him (and military assistance provided by the British crown, because they knew damn well there was petroleum under that shitty desert), Lawrence and his goat-fuckers managed to kick the Turks off the peninsula. And installed the old bastard Ibn Saud as "King", in a place that had been fought over by assorted warlords for 1000+ years. And when the dust had settled, and Ibn Saud had finally eliminated all his rivals, the filthy weak-rectumed Brits made a deal with him to start drilling in the Gulf region. Profit!

Scimitars

Saudi Arabia is famous for its scimitars. Their flag has a scimitar, their coat of arms has two scimitars, and they'll cut your head off for you with a scimitar.

Other famous scimitars include:

• Reliant Scimitar, a sports car
• FV107 Scimitar, a type of light tank
• Dragon Scimitar, best MMORPG weapon of all time
• Supermarine Scimitar, a fighter aircraft
• HMS Scimitar, the name of three warships
• Scimitar cat (Homotherium serum), an extinct species of the cat family
• Scimitar-horned Oryx (Oryx dammah), a critically endangered antelope species
• Scimitar, an entry-level cymbal series from Zildjian
• Scimitar (Star Trek), a fictional Reman starship commanded by Shinzon in the film Star Trek: Nemesis
• Shit scimitar-shaped letter-openers sold all over the Islamic world to tourists
• A scimitar is a light, one-handed, martial melee weapon that deals 1d6 slashing damage and has an 18-20/x2 crit range. It accounts for four pounds of encumbrance and can be used as an off-hand weapon without penalty; market value 15 gp, hardness 10, 5 hp.

“	If I went around, saying I was an emperor, because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!	„
—Dennis

"Bint" being the Arabic for "daughter."

The King

The great King of Saudi, highly inbred grandson of Ibn Saud, has the biggest vagina (wikileaks). Scholars have compared the size to Paris Hilton's backdoor. Researchers have confirmed that this size originates from his father. Fahd, the father of the current King, was the founder of Burger King, lived in a mud palace (true!) and worked there for many years until Ronald MacDonald robbed his branch, his wife, his kids (the Gregory brothers). He is mostly famous for doing something ("nothing") for his country. It was during his reign that Bill Clinton visited him in the royal palace. Fahd was particularly upbeat and researched the entire InTRaNeT and learned everything about the US President, and the first lady, Monica Lewinsky (heeb). Following the visit, Clinton was famously quoted as saying, "The guy [Fahd] is coked out of his freakin mind. It's a miracle how this guy is in power. Talking to him was like talking to a stoned goat!!" Not surprising, because although everything else in Saudi is illegal as hell, chewing khat is okay. And it's still a feudal shitstate, so if you've got money and power, you can do or get anything.

For the last 10 years the country was ruled by King Abdulala-laleleleh. He was an educated individual, and studied Rooster Fertilization And Horse Fisting during his 14 year education at the University of Kazakhstan. After he was kicked out of the program, his father gave him his job, and he became the next KING of the (shitty) desert. In his first year, he appointed a cabinet of intellectuals such as George Bush, King Kong, and Peter Griffin. He was quite successful during his first day as a monarch. According to Fox News, King Abulala-lala's approval rating kept rising, and even surpassed Adolf Hitler's approval rating post WWII. King Abulala, impressed by this statistics, then decided to wear glasses to look moar intellect hipsterish. So starting the second day at work, eerbody knew him as the fat, ugly guy that wears Prada under his sheet. In Jan 2011, his highest achievements were:

• Backstabbing his partners
• talking to a crowd of 3000
• and putting all 3000 of the camels to sleep. (It was later determined they one of the camels was actually Paris Hilton.)

He stated that once he sells all his country's oil, he would officially come out of the closet, with his 3-inch penis held proudly high. Until then, he tried to model all of Elton John's eyewears. In his blog, Elton John has repeatedly asked King Abulala to STFU and has filed a complaint in response to King Abulala's claim of being the inspiration behind the Lion King song. Meanwhile, considerable raepage of sheep and goats continued in the magnificent royal palace. In 2015 he croaked (penis-less) and was replaced by yet another inbred grandson of Ibn, Salman. The goat fucking continued, you betcha!

See also

Getting stoned is something Saudis do literally. For doing it in metaphorical sense you get hanged (or stoned literally).

• Oil
• Osama bin Laden
• 9/11
• Sand
• Islam
• Sound Docking
• Falconry
• Harem
• Jihad
• Murder
• Hypocrisy
• Rape
• Money
• Filthy fucking Arab scumbags

External Links

• Saudi men put their iPhones to good use keeping females in the kitchen.
• The World Wildlife Fund hates Saudi Arabia for producing so much oil, the burning of which causes pollution, which kills teh animals. Of course, those buying the oil are blameless!