Northern Ireland

A Norn Iron in it's natural habitat.

Northern Ireland (known as Norn Iron to the locals) is a terrorist camp in the North of the Island of Ireland, and that's the way it'll feckin' stay if you value yer kneecaps, right? It is generally thought to be fought over by the British and Irish governments by those within the territory, but unbeknownest to them, both countries really couldn't give a shite.

History

The history of Northern Ireland is a complex and difficult one if you are a Northerner. To everyone else, it's a thuggish, tit-for-tat, petty, childish divide between two sides of the population: on one side is a bunch of psychotic, unemployable, terrorist, proddy cunts who are eternally pitted against a bunch of psychotic, unemployable, terrorist, taig cunts.

People from Northern Ireland are famous for drinking, fighting, murdering people over their opinions, teaching their kids to throw bricks at police officers and wearing balaclavas. Northern Ireland is governed by a fat guy in a leather jacket who smuggles fuel from over the border and steals truckloads of ciggies to feed his six hundred a day habit.

Diet

The diet is inspired by that of the peasants of Scotland from which much of the population spawned from after being imported by the English. This diet consists mainly of chips and in the absence of fish, Due to the large population of catholics, the orangemen eat babies. (this is widely believed to be the birthplace of Hitlers idea of Jews eating Aryan babies)

The famous Bobby Sands Diet was inspired by Saint Bobby Sands, Bishop of Irish-America.

Belfast (Bellshaft)

If you travel to the lovely and accepting land of Norn Iron you must go to Belfast! This city has it all, Romanian hobos who try to sell you shit you don't want, Romanian hobos who try to ask for money with out trying to sell you shit. A drunk guy who wanders downtown with a guitar and SS officers cap, this man is epic lulz as trying to climb a curb cause him to lash out in anger! It also has a guy with a 'violumpet'. Belfast has one thing other places do not, a distinct lack of chavs in the city center. They stick to the outer shit hole estates and dream of where the next drink is going to come from and whether you're a proddy cunt or a feinianist taig. Due to the lack of chavs downtown is swamped with emos, and massive faggots who try to be punks, goths and homosexuals.

Belfast is famous for its night life, downtown its fucking dead beside the hobos and dissident republicans, however under the motorway underpass next to the Royal mail building is a magical place of drink, underage sex and shiny yummy pills. This area of wonder is New York to the natives and is said to be exactly like the city with which it shares its name. Opposite New York lies the skatepark (Bellshafts ingenious idea of packing all their faggots in one place) upon entering the skatepark one will be met with the most important question of your life "Giz a Fag" answer this question wrong and you might have an emo whine and bitch at you for a half an hour. "Boo Hoo", The skatepark is filled with 12 year old posers, 18 year old stoners and a 30 year old on rollerblades who will go batshit crazy and proceed to an alphamale on your arse if you get in his way, making sure he shouts at you if you dont have a skateboard and are just there too see 12 year olds fall and cry. (Bonus points if you point out that he hasn't got one either).

Day time activites include, being evacuated due to bomb scares, rioting, random attacks and stumbling apon DUP or Sinn Fein cross community relations rallies in which they seek to make amends fo the years of shooting and bombing each other by calling each other colourful names! If you wish to help the peace process we recommend going into East Belfast, look for a fat, bad guy standing outside a pub or football supporter club, and ask if you could buy some nades. Once you have picked these up head to the area known as the Short Strand, pull the pin out of the nades and throw them over the "peace wall". You will become a national hero and acquire the nickname Stoner/Michael Stone.

If you really want to know what "the Troubles" and such are all about, don't be so gullible and believe that it has anything to do with religion. That's just a red herring. The true nature of the disagreement is that the Northern Irish lift the dishes when they piss in the kitchen sink, and those in the Irish Republic piss freely, dishes be damned. If you want to be respected as an outsider, inform an old geezer that you know the secret, tell him, and ginger haired maidens will line up to service your every sexual need, a real live leprechaun will shit gold coins for you, and you will be forced to drink Guiness until you are dead, God rest your soul. It will be an altogether pleasant time you'll never remember.

And thats the guide to Belfast, enjoy your rioting.

Law

Many people think the people of Norn Iron wear balaclavas because its fucking freezing, but really it's to hide their identities. Northern Ireland operates an odd system of summerary justice where if you are thought (not proved) to have done something bad (and not nessesarily against the law) you get a summoned to appear in a deserted warehouse on some godforsaken industrial estate whereupon four masked men in bomber jackets and armed with hurleys (bats used in the game of Hurling) will relieve you of the use of your knees.

A rather unique aspect of this system is is the more minor or petty the crime, the more sever the punishment. E.g. suspected teenage petty theifs and small time drug dealers will be shot through the kneecaps, but murderers and pedophiles will go scot free and may even be celebrated on murels and treated as upstanding members of the community. This strange double standard is born out of the fact that the enforcers of this system, should they adopt the traditional method of punishment allocation and a sense that no one is above the law, would be forced to kill themselves and their prists.

Northern Ireland is policed by the Police Service of Northern Ireland, formally known as the Royal Ulster Constabulary. It is the only cool, kickass and criminal stomping police service in the UK as they are the only ones who get guns as part of their standard issue kit, get to carry their weapons off duty and allow civilians who are threatened by terrorist groups or organised criminals to get a licence to own and carry guns for self defence. Unlike the pussy unarmed retards in the rest of the UK or Ireland where they have to wait half an hour for armed backup to arrive if they are dealing with anyone armed with anything worse than a potato peeler (assuming of course the criminal hasn't run off or killed or injured any innocent people in the meantime) because according to them guns are evil and nasty and shooting or threatening to shoot criminals who are using, or putting innocent people in fear of, violence would contraveen the criminals human rights.

Religion and Multiculturalism

The Norn Irish Tourist Board recently released a top ten list of reasons to visit the friendly, warm, sunny shores of Norn Iron, in which the residents were described as "the most bigoted people on earth". Some 44% of Northern Irish humanoids declared that they would object to gays, non-whites, muslims, jews, or people with an IQ greater than 80 moving in next door to them. This provoked shock and outrage as most people assumed that the total of bigoted hatemongers per head of population would be more like 144%. It also contrasts nicely with the 100% of Southern Irish, Welsh and English people who would like Northern Ireland to be someone else's neighbour. Scottish people expressed no opinion on Northern Ireland because they were all too busy drinking and eating battered mars bars.

Fuhrer Gerry Adams with fellow murdering shithead Martin McGuinness at ceremonial IRA Army Peace Council meeting

There is a strange race of people in Norn Iron known as Ulster Scots. These people insist they speak a language of the same name, but everyone knows its because they are muck savages who were raised on farms and taught English by a local drunk named Patsy McBride. These people also happen to be Protestants. Their past times include saying "no," wanking over the Queen, calling Northern Ireland "Ulster" and laughing at Bobby Sands.

Ian Paisley preparing to take the Queens cock into his mouth

On the other end of the scale are the Catholics. Their pastimes include being alcoholics and ranting about dead guys who blew themselves up because they were trying to make explosives while drunk. Unlike the South, Norn Iron is completely devoid of all Leprechaun and fairy life because the IRA used them all for target practice and the few that were left were sodomised by Paul Berry, a DUP councillor who enjoys the company of "male sports masseurs". Catholics in Northern Ireland have a very strong connection with Padre Pio, indeed, the highest honour you can be given in Northern Ireland is to have a nail hammered through both your hands to make you just like him.

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a violent act and anyone in Northern Ireland would be honoured to have it done. For some weird reason, Catholics along with Irish Americans seem to think Norn Iron is also somehow connected to Southern Ireland (just because it was a united country up until last thursday), even though the Southern Irish hate everyone in NI and America and would much rather do rugby and drink beer with the Welsh.

Terrorism

Northern Irelands exports include terrorism, smuggeled cigarettes and petrol, guns, explosives, balaclavas and Guinness, which the Catholic population have a dependency on. A never ending convoy of trucks from Dublin feeds their drinking habits.

To many retards the troubles were really a second war between the UK and the Republic of Ireland. It appears that the Republic won as it has not had to run Northern Ireland.

Slang

• Weaker-very good
• Beazer-same as weaker
• Taig-used by protestants to distinguish catholics
• Fenian-same as taig,
• Aye-yes,
• Ye-you,
• Yeo-laughing at others mistakes,
• Da-dad,
• Ma-mum,
• What about ye?-how are you,
• Is that you?-are you done,
• Provos-members of the Provisional IRA,
• Your ma-quick witted comment,
• Baste-beast,
• Ledge/legend-Incredibly good/highly commendable,
• State- ugly looking,
• You best-you better,
• Buck-fuck,
• Dig-punch
• Bake-face,
• Jaffa cake-used by catholic to distingwish protestants,
• Lack-a common word used at the end of a sentence. It's actually the word like but pronounced differantly becuse of their accent

See also

• United Kingdom
• Ireland
• England
• Scotland
• Wales
• Terrorism
• Stupidity

External Links

• Portadown News, official paper of record for the Troubles