Twatter

ELON MUSK BOUGHT TWITTER AND FIRED THE TOP THREE EXECUTIVES!!111 TWITTER CENSORSHIP SQUAD ON SUICIDE WATCH!

Goodnight sweet prince. You will not be missed.

	“	@JaylaStarr g/g or b/g/g? Do you do anal? I would totally pee on you!	„
	—@TiffanyMynx, Typical "tweet."

Twitter (AKA Shitter, AKA Your account is currently suspended. For more information, please visit Suspended Accounts), or as former President Obama called it, Twitter's, is an outrage machine where highly sensitive people spend all of their time so they can get offended by everything and bully people into silence with death threats. Basically it's some retarded website where left-wing nonbinary furries with no life and black normie socialists come together to jerk off about how much they hate Donald Trump, all within the limits of 280 characters. Also partly because Trhump himself is on the thing. They hope he will notice, lolol. He won't.

Truth: Twitter is a Web 2.0 site for fags/dykes, e-beggers/failed artists, preteens and dingdongs who are too stupid to use IRC, and need turn-based chat to play oppression olympics on. Typical Twitter users subject each other to a relentless feed of minutia in their otherwise meaningless lives, known as tweets, 24/7/365. Got a new job? Just drank a glass of milk? Took a big shit? Tweet it!

TL;DR: LiveJournal on crack. (No wait, LJ died years ago.) Or maybe: Slack on roids. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Users

• Newsfags show every single detail about the news and politics, and males rubbing their male vulvas to Barack Osama, the one who caused 9/11, a fraction invented by some math geek.
• Adults just posting about how much they jack off to news or just like to go out and have orgies with their pussyboiz in prison
• Fucktarded ASS-PIE teens with burgers in their ass making random tweets that make no fucking sense, bitching about their life because they got grounded for milking Fido, tweets about how they hate school but don't even have the testicles to stand up and fight authority by skipping school like a bunch of hypocrites they all now are, blocking people for no reason, posting pictures of them and their friends doing retarded garbage ass shit, and following everyone but one person.
• Celebrities - SELLOUT!!!!!
• Shitposters

Blocking

KNEEL BEFORE YOUR MASTER, FILTHY HIPSTER SCUM

Why you're blocked

• You owned them
• You scare them
• For the lulz
• For disagreeing (examples: ResetERA, Anita Sarkeesian, etc.)

...and most commonly...

• They have NO reason

How to still see your shit

You can see their stuff, but can't look up statuses for tweets, favoriting their tweets, and following them.

• Logging out or using incognito mode
• Make a new account
• Impersonate someone else to fool them with a sock account
• If they are private, impersonate someone and they will accept your request, otherwise hack someone's twitter to see their tweets or get their allowance to use it
• Force them to unblock you (CHALLENGE!)

Apps

Typical look at recent entries page.

For being such a boring and useless website, Twitter has over 9,000 apps to waste space on your harddrive. Examples below.

• twhirl - Stupid-looking waste of space.
• netvibes - Don't expect to know what this website even does.
• twitterific (more like Shiterific, amirite)- Hmmm...post on the website for free, or buy a program to do the same shit for $15US?
• twitterfox - A Firefox plug-in. If Firefox is even open, it should take a few seconds to update with or without the plug-in.
• twit - Named after those who download it. Only for weeaboos.
• twitterfeed - Semiuseful service for getting RSS feed items to a twitter account.
• tinytwitter - Boring.

For some reason, these are all really popular.

PROTIP: Avoid the above apps and spend your money on something more useful.

Entries

Since Twitter is basically a retarded LiveJournal, updates might range between one to two letters. Generally, an entry may be about what music someone's listening to, when they're going somewhere, a response to someone else, what they just clicked on, what they just thought, what letter they just thought about, what punctuation they just thought about, or beautiful poetry.

Even Twitter's own web site introduction admits that Twitter is redundant and offers no social benefit:

No troll hypothesis

In 2007, many fanbois and retarded bitches persistently claimed that trolling does not occur on Twitter. News of this Troll Free Zone - unheard of in the history of the Internet - spread far and wide, and caused a massive explosion of late to the party lusers to sign up.

This theory has been officially trashed, as evidenced by the trolling of many famous persons including Bill O'Reily, Britney Spears, Trent Reznor, and other douches in the late morning hours of 2009, as reported by paid trolls Gawker.

OMGHAX About missing Pics

• 
  He came out.
• 
  Vagoo status reports directly from your Twitter.
• 
  This guy likes crack, failed to go to work, or something.
• 
  Obama will give you free money.

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• 
  Arianna Huffington, I guess?
• 
  Tila Tequila is dead lol.
• 
  The right answer to fail.
• 
  eBaum's raids Twitter.
• 
  Wow, you can teach my children any day.
• 
  Ugly and stupid.
• 
  That's a really smooth cover-up.
• 
• 
  Rule1 fail.

Drama! Twitter refuses to uphold terms of service! Oh noes!

Unfortunate Ariel Waldman unfortunately works for Twitter's unfortunate competitor Pownce:

	“	In June 2007, I unfortunately found myself on the receiving end of multiple accounts of harassment from a user on Twitter. When the user started using my full name in their harassing tweets, I reported the harassment as a form of cyberbullying to Twitter's community manager.	„
	—Ariel does the right thing.

	“	Unfortunately, in 2008 it escalated to a level that could no longer be ignored. Tweets were being fired off directly calling me a 'cunt' amongst other harassing language. On March 14, I wrote to Twitter, giving the example URLs of abuse and stated to them clearly...	„
	—Ariel can't take it anymore.

	“	It seems there is room in our Terms for folks to debate the difference between an update and an insult.	„
	—Twitter doesn't give a fuck about your lame drama.

	“	RT @chunkymunky lol twitter	„
	—@DancingSandwich

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Instead of using the rather obvious block feature to ignore the offsensive user, Ariel began to harass the Twitter admins with complaint messages, only to be ignored. Butthurt and embarrassed, Ariel embarked on a large scale publicity whoring campaign to let the world at large know that Twitter refuses to uphold their terms of service' including lawyers and all.

The whole event caused a great deal of worry and concern for Twitter's loyal followers, as it provided a simple and obvious proof to invalidate the No Troll Hypothesis, and raepd them of any perceptions of their "specialness" as an "online community."

Scalability is serious fucking business (My cock is bigger than yours)

With Twitter, you can watch Tay Zonday and Chris Crocker have a catfight.

The instability of the Twitterverse and obsessive posting habits of many lusers means that daily use of Twitter has the network profile of a DDoS, frequently choking the site and blocking updates. This forces the lusers back to their usual faggotry where they whine and complain or post fawning sycophantic comments on the fail blog, a colossal feedback loop of narcissism leading to a dripping clusterfuck of triviality.

Transcript of a typical tweeting episode

• Tweet / LuSer: eating a bagel! om nom nom (10:41am)
• Blog / LuSer: twitter is down! waiting for it to come back (10:43am)
• Blog / LuSer: twitter is still down :( (10:51am)
• Tweet / LuSer: is this working? (10:58am)
• Tweet / LuSer: seems to be working (10:59am)
• Blog / LuSer: twitter is back again! (10:59am)
• Blog / LuSer: twitter is down (11:01am)

From the outside, this typical behavior could easily be construed as vapid insanity. But engineers know that Twitter is Serious Fucking Business, making every Twitter failure a grand opportunity to compare penis size in blog posts that use the magic word Scalability. Technical experts know that Twitter is a Distributed Messaging Service, which means that only engineers with massive cocks can understand the significance. Nothing could be more important than typical LuSer losing her ability to tell her retarded followers what she had for lunch. Of course, engineers know that they have bigger dicks than you and the Twitter developers, which is why they're obliged to mutually masturbate over every instance of Twitter fail, an activity which they call scalability advice from the trenches. This continues to happen, despite the fact that none of them have ever managed a successful high traffic website, nor do they have any fucking idea what the Twitter architecture actually looks like. The tubes are alive with the sound of fap fap fapping.

Technical expert reasons why Twitter architecture epitomizes fail

• It is built with Ruby on Rails.
• The series of tubes is not gay enough to handle distributed asynchronous push-style messaging.
• TL;DR

Actual reason why Twitter architecture epitomizes fail

• Twitter is a joke business that generates no money but plenty of lulz for its developers, who are attention whores addicted to the shit storm that occurs every time their service goes down. Twitter claims that it is not interested in PROFIT??? (lulz wtf?) and only wants to expand its user base, everyone knows that the real reason is because their users are all black person so they'll never be able to make any money off of them. They're just trying to see how long they can trick Investors that they have a plan.
  
  The current plan goes something like this:
  1)Get a bunch of black person to join.
  2)????
  3)Profit!!!11oneoneone.

Search.Twitter.com

As a sister site, Search Twitter is a real-time search engine with which you can see what is being said about certain keywords at any moment. It's a decent tool for seeing what the sheeple are thinking. Go ahead, try out "4chan," or "I am gay." This might be the only redeemable aspect of Twitter.

• 
  That there is cancer.
• 
  Coming out of the e-closet.
• 
  OMG TWILIGHT!!!1!111ONE
• 
  Guise, i had bacon. iz this mean i have teh swine fevar?

Of course, the best time to use Search.Twitter is when there is a mass panic about. For instance, the swine flu scare showed just how stupid people became in times of crisis.

2009 Iranian riots

Twatter has finally filled a niche, albeit a dirty, smelly one. Iranian citizens have recently begun rioting in the streets because their poster-boy candidate wasn't elected. Being the cunning, organized people they are, the people are now using Twatter as a way to communicate quickly and efficiently. As seen here, live 'tweets' from the Revolutionaries are being made.

What does this mean for Twatter? It means that Web 2.0 has unknowingly shat out a perfect tool for anarchist communication. LOL!

The Fry fiasco

The only type of bird that interests Stephen Fry

Sometime during 2009, between October and November, Stephen FUCKING Fry was happily typing away on his Twitter page, talking about what cereal he had for breakfast and when he was to film new TV shows, when all of a sudden a fellow Twitfag by the name of BrumPlum went on his page and suggested that Stephen Fry may be a bit boring.

Now instead of just ignoring him, Stephen Fry fell for the troll bait and left a butthurt comment on the troll's page.

This was nothing compared to what his fans did. They immediately treated the troll like some sort of rapist, bombarding Brum's page with hate comments and even threatened to kill him.

Seeing what had happened, Stephen Fry panicked and threatened to quit the Internet because he thought that Twitter had become a way of spreading drama.

His fans, not wanting to see their great messiah leave their social networking site, cried for at least 100 days until Stephen Fry came back, admitting that he hadn't grabbed his pills that day when he said he would leave.

	“	dont give up stephen fry i signed up to twitter to follow you and i dont want you to leave just now	„
	—Someone taking their social networking way too seriously

David Cameron on Twitter

9.00 David Cameron says sorry for 'twat' comment during radio interview http://bit.ly/41nsJT

9.01 David Cameron apologises for accidentally killing Archbishop Desmond Tutu live on Loose Women whilst submitting him to a 'dutch oven'

9.09 David Cameron apologises for nude photoshoot in Nuts in which he smears porridge on the grave of Farrah Fawcett and eats a live mouse.

9.11 David Cameron apologises for waggling his vomit-stained cock at David Frost in an interview desribed by Tory HQ as 'otherwise basically ok.'

9.12 David Cameron apologises for holding Nelson Mandela in a headlock on 6Music. Reports that he was nude & blacked-up remain unconfirmed.

9.15 David Cameron apologises for threatening to eat Diana Athill's hair live on the Radio 4 Bookclub.

9.16 David Cameron apologises for slicing off own nipples during PMQs. 'That's Cocaine Dave' shrugged a spokesman. 'He's off his tits. Literally'

9.17 David Cameron apologises for kicking pensioner to death during Question Time, urinating on Paddy Ashdown and then quietly vomiting

9.18 David Cameron apologises for rubbing genitals on camera-lens whilst eating faeces from ice-cream cone during Newsround.

9.20 David Cameron apologises for whipping out cock and pursuing Fern Britton across Broadcasting House whilst screaming.

9.25 http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8188201.stm

Ebert v. Breitbart

Last Thursday, Roger Ebert was shooting some B-Ball outside the school when Andrew Breitbart, who was up to no good, started making trouble in his neighborhood. They got in one little fight and Salon got scared, and said "you're moving in with your Aunty and Uncle in Boulder."

Breitbart, a right-wing controversialist in part responsible for the Obamacorn scandal, baited liberal movie critic Ebert with a comment about some movie. The exchange goes as follows:

	“	@ebertchicago Did you like Werner Herzog's 'Grizzly Man'? Best, perhaps, inadvertent exploration of progressive/leftist mind. Seriously.	„
	—andrewbreitbart

	“	@andrewbreitbart Huh? Treadwell was universally deplored as unhinged, and condemned for leading his girlfriend to death.	„
	—ebertchicago

	“	@ebertchicago film wasnt political but treadwells challenging absurd beardogma was embraced by mediaschools & framed as idealism & progress.	„
	—andrewbreitbart

	“	@andrewbrietbart Show me a "media school" that embraced Tim ("Grizzly Man") Treadwell, "& framed [him] as idealism & progress."	„
	—ebertchicago

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This little slapfight, reported on by Salon.com, only scratches the surface of an ongoing back and forth between the two pundits. You can find the full article here. They are both DEAD now anyway, so lol.

XSS Twitter exploit

File:Gayfortwitter.jpg

ARE YOU GAY FOR TWITTER?

JEWS DID 9/21

JEWS DID 9/21

JEWS DID 9/21

JEWS DID 9/21

JEWS DID 9/21

JEWS DID 9/21

JEWS DID 9/21

Last Thursday, some enterprising individuals found out you can embed CSS code in tweets and basically fuck up entire walls and pages.

Actually scratch that, turns out you could also run Javascript commands triggered onmouseover. What crazy scripts can you write in 140 characters? Why:

• Trigger annoying alert windows
• Crank up the font size to 999px and wreck the entire home page
• Create a giant overlay that masks the entire site
• Create a self-replicating tweet that retweets itself simply by people looking at it
• Get the prime minister's wife to post about pornography
• Get the US Press Secretary to post DEATH TO AMERICA
• Combine all of the above and basically make the entire site unusable as self-replicating tweets consume everybody's profiles

The event lasted for several hours on the morning of 9/21, until the hole was finally patched. Plans for a mosque are currently underway.

Important rules for Twitter

• 1 Do not post political shit unless you're an aged, wrinkled voice over whore with an angry army of cloppers who will always jump to your defense because they think you will show sagging udders as a reward.

• 2 Seriously, don't do it. (Rule # 1) Politics on Twitter isn't about right or wrong but rather who has the largest army of mindless, retarded, zombie zealots who won't argue the point but rather go on about how inhuman you are to oppose their whore goddess.

• 3 Be as base as possible. Twitter is for the low of IQ who are still trying to make their way through Dick and Jane. No more than 8 or 9 words. Follow this example and you'll never go wrong. Grr, Trump bad. me hate rich white man. Get rid of.

• 4 Twitter is mostly for the rich and famous to infect the masses with their belief of the day. Unless you're a sycophant who likes to have others tell you what to think, stay away because the only way you will ever get replies is if you piss off a celebrity and they send their personal army after you. Don't even use that half-assed excuse that you use twitter to keep up with your family. If you'd rather tweet, "Mom died," rather then make some phone calls, you don't deserve to come out of your basement.

• 5 It's for the stupid. See rule #3. If you think you can make a compelling argument with 140 characters, you're dumber than this retard. If you think you have something to say, start a web page.

• 6 You are not going to save the world with a twitter account. Get it out of your head. To save the world you need to do something that requires a little more involvement like leaving your basement. Twitter is designed so that people will be fooled into thinking that celebrities are political and care about the people beneath them when they retweet a post about giving up their lunch to hand out food for meals on wheels. Before you even start the argument, Well I saw a picture of Mark Hammil, ask yourself, how did the press know where he was going to be and why does the picture have such high photographic value like good lighting?

• 7 Twitter should only be used to post what you're having dinner or as a witness to post proof that that fire crotch you took home last night actually sucked your dick. Dirty jokes and nip slips are always welcome.

• 8 Beware of celebrities who claim to be movers and shakers but have the time to be full time, twitter hooker-whores like Leann Rimes, Tara Strong, Alyssa Milano and I'm going to whore Scientology for money Lea Remini. It's always the has beens that man their twitter accounts like an Arizona Militia member along the Mexican border because they either A: Have no new work to report because no one will hire them, B: They're irrelevant and are trying to drum up press or C: They've crossed into the crazy and are looking for a good dick pull from their loyal fans who can only say ditto to everything they say or will fall over themselves to tell their god or goddess how brilliant they are.

• 9 Partially based on Rule #8. Twitter is only there to agree with people. If you have a differing opinion then go somewhere else with it because by voicing it you're either being a troll or an asshole. Freedom of Speech and open forums are only for the government, not for has been actors with an agenda.

• 10 The most important rule. If you haven't been on Twatter for a minimum of 6 years don't even consider posting because you're a noob and everyone hates noobs.

#RIPTwitter

The beginning of a sweet downfall.

It's official! Twitter is finally going down the shithole! It was announced on 02/05/2016 that Twitter will be adding a reverse chronological feed with an algorithmic timeline. This cause Twitterfags to rage and protest Twitter with the #RIPTwitter hashtag. But wait, Twitter's still not done taking a shit to make it even worse! Few days later Twitter announced the Twitter Trust & Safety Council (TTSC) adding "experts working for safety and free expression.” One of those 'experts' from the council include Feminist Frequency also known as the greedy gluttonous censorship-power hungry villainous feminazi jew Anita Sarkeesian! That's another good reason to shove the #RIPTwitter hashtag down their throats until they choke on it.

Not to mention the friendly folks who use it to attack each other:

“	Twitter, then still a startup, was fresh off a buzzy SXSW debut, and Waldman’s post was an unfamiliar bit of bad press, depicting Dorsey in particular as an unsympathetic, even cowardly, chief executive. “Jack explained that they’re scared to ban someone because they’re scared if it turned into a lawsuit that they are too small of a company to handle it,” Waldman wrote. While Twitter founder Biz Stone issued a formal acknowledgment of the problem, arguing that “Twitter is a communication utility, not a mediator of content,” Dorsey was silent. Co-founder Ev Williams was more critical, posting tweets that cast doubt on Waldman’s claims and halfheartedly apologizing with a simple “our bad.” Waldman was crushed. “Prior to my coming out, I had great relationships with them and considered some of them my friends,” Waldman told BuzzFeed News this month of the fallout. “I took it very personally. It sucked.” More than eight years after Waldman’s ordeal, harassment on Twitter is rampant — so much so that it has become a primary destination for trolls and hate groups. So much so that its CEO declared, “We suck at dealing with abuse and trolls on the platform and we’ve sucked at it for years.” So much so that numerous high-profile users have quit the service, citing it as an unsafe space. Today, Twitter is a well-known hunting ground for women and people of color, who are targeted by neo-Nazis, racists, misogynists, and trolls, often just for showing up. Just this summer, actor Leslie Jones was driven off Twitter after a barrage of racist comments and death threats, only to return after a personal reassurance from Dorsey himself. Last week, Normani Kordei of the pop group Fifth Harmony also stepped away from the service after suffering years of “horrific and racially charged” tweets. Despite its integral role in popular culture and in social justice initiatives from the Arab Spring to Black Lives Matter, Twitter is as infamous today for being as toxic as it is famous for being revolutionary. And unless you’re a celebrity — or, as it turns out, the president of the United States of America — good luck getting help. To hear former employees tell it, the better part of Twitter’s corporate history is defined by a seemingly unending set of problems, from keeping the servers running in the early days (Twitter’s service disruptions were so frequent, its ‘Fail Whale’ error page became famous) to IPO fundraising to a sharp pivot to mobile. “There were literally always other fires to put out, always growth targets being missed and execs leaving,” one former employee told BuzzFeed News. One source described the internal culture as “never once tranquil” and another said it was “intense, chaotic, and morale-draining, despite working with some of the best people I’ve known.”	„
—--http://www.buzzfeed.com/charliewarzel/a-honeypot-for-assholes-inside-twitters-10-year-failure-to-s "A Honeypot For Assholes"

2022, Elon Musk era begins

After years of censoring posts out of butthurt, the feds and the censorship squad were BTFO when known aspie Elon Musk purchased Twitter outright for $44 billion. The meltdown from the left produced many lulz and flouncing. Moar meltdowns were seen when Musk suggested paying $8 for a verified badge. Several "celebrities" have left the site and almost all will return because they are all Twitter addicts.

Tweets (yes, they are all real!!)

	“		„
	—Google Photos drama[1]

	“		„
	—Donald Trump

	“		„
	—lolol OUR FEARLESS LEADER

	“		„
	—awww, pooor little Donnie

	“		„
	—Roseanne is an expert on testicles

	“		„
	—and monkeys

	“		„
	—what's a "Josh Hader"?

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Gallery

Gallery About missing Pics

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• 
• File:Trumps hitler omgg.png
• File:Twitter Liberal faggot.png

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• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
  (((detected)))
• 
  Twitter users finally getting their priorities in order.

See also

More features to help spam up other people's Twitters, but keep it secret!

Obama wants the banana, and it looks like his husband wants it too.

• Angie The Atheist - Tweeted about her abortion.
• Anita Sarkeesian - Censored your free speech.
• Black Twitter
• Brian Krassenstein - Pedo, always trolls Trump's threads like a loser, and a #Resist troll. Was permanently banned from Twitter in 2019.
• Cloaking
• Digg
• Ed Krassenstein - Pedo, always trolls Trump's threads like a loser, and a #Resist troll like his twin. Was permanently banned from Twitter in 2019.
• Donald Trump
• Facebook #RIPTwitter
• Foursquare
• Gab.ai - Much better than Twitter.
• GamerGate - Hashtag still trends.
• Generation Snowflake
• Hashtag
• Jonathan McIntosh went #FullMcIntosh.
• Kate Leth - Comicsgate SJW who attacks people and works on High Guardian Spice
• LiveJournal
• Morrissey - Tweeted about his asexuality.
• Myspace
• Patrick S. Tomlinson - A pedophile who was banned from Twitter and paid a lawyer $5,000 to get it back.
• peskysnowflake - #Resist troll
• Reddit
• Roseanne Barr
• San Francisco
• Social networking sites
• TS;DR
• Tumblr
• TWITsci
• Vine
• Zoe Quinn - Ate at Five Guys.
• #Cut4Bieber
• #OpRollRedRoll
• @
• @CapsCop
• @horse_ebooks

External links

• Main page
• People don't read stories they tweet
• What to do in a plane crash? Tweet about it while it's happening.
• Get your boss to use Twitter
• Communism and Twitter
• Vanity Fair

Twatter is part of a series on Social Media Visit the Social Media Portal for complete coverage.

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Twatter is part of a series of topics related to Black People☻

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Featured article December 18 & December 19, 2017
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Featured article January 12, 13 and 14, 2021
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Article of the Now April 27-29, 2022
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