Nostradamus
Nostradamus✡ (known by his detractors as Nostradumbass) is a retarded retard who huffed a shitload of Jenkem and then wrote some bullshit down in his fucked-out-of-his-mind state. He is mostly remembered as the first Indigo child in recorded history due to his supposed supernatural abilities. Some claim that he was a prophet (moar liek profit, amirite?), while others claim that Nostradamus was simply a Frenchie Jew trying to undermine the Bush administration. Conspiracy theorists cum every time they hear his name, as Nostradamus' prophesies could be used to support any theory that pops into their heads. Many believe that an intricate tattoo of Nick Jonas on Nostradamus' bell end provides the answers to the world's greatest mysteries, the most famously rumored of which is the time-old enigma of how Fucking Magnets work.
Biography
Early life
Nostradamus was born Michel de Nostredame in 1503, but decided to go the Cher/Prince/Madonna route since there wasn't anyone who would respect a bearded baby with a girly name, even in France. Taking up LSD in his youth and cooking his own Jenkem in order to gain incomprehensible insights no-one understood, he unwittingly generated his own comeback some 450 years later as modern day millennium obsessed retards flocked to fag out for his doomsday fanfic.
After graduating from ITT Tech, Nostradamus joined the Peace CORPS and became a Deadhead. Nostradamus attempted to obtain a PhD, but he was told to GTFO when it was discovered that he got high with his chemistry set and did some field work with voodoo. Despite his expulsion, Nostradamus fought the power and continued vending pills and meth to the loyal and feckless.
Unhappy with being a virgin with a mind addled from tripping balls for 25 years straight, Nostradamus decided to bag himself waifu and pump some beans up her muff, resulting in baby Frenchies. Life, being a lolfest, sent the Plague to pwn said waifu and children three years later. As a result Nostradamus, in a rampage of butthurt, dedicated his life to combating the hilarious disease, while still dealing on the side.
Later Life
Years later, Nigradamus realized that he could become famous simply by reading tarot cards and tea leaves. He wrote shotacon novels and sold them to sewer denizens who didn't know better. Nostradamus most popular work, though, was scribbling cryptic messages that appear to tell the future from which he profited.
Afterward, he wrote quatrains using his 'psychic' abilities. In other words, he went batshit insane from acid flashbacks and wrote his most unfathomable shit while injecting his balls with Ketamine to chill out.
The lazy fat fuck then contracted gout (shitty feet) from too much cake/blow/sitting on his ass writing nonsense (note: you are at risk for gout.) which got so rank it crept up his legs and slowly raped him to death.
Future-fags who were duped by the marketing spiel told themselves: "In order to make his cryptic prophecies harder to interpret, he began using codes, puzzles, and other word games."
This salved their minuscule common sense and made it easier to part with Jew golds for what amounts to the badly written, non-nonsensical rantings of a 500 year old Keith Richards.
History Channel: Growth of the Derp
As with the year 2012, Nostradamus is a favorite of the idle fucks at The History Channel which commonly applies Nostradamus' prophecies to modern events in order to take advantage of the viewing public's increased stupidity and paranoia. It often shows 'evidence' that Nostradamus predicted major shit, 9/11, the War on Terror, Hitler, and George Bush. The History channel even has a TV series known as the Nostradamus Effect. What the History channel fails to do, other than broadcast shows about history, is tell you that the "events" Nostradumbshit predicted are always off, even in their hysterical context of modern interpretation. For example, when he supposedly predicted 9/11, the exact year he gave was 1999. But the Nostrafags get around this by saying that the two year difference is completely within the margin of error becuase, you know, a hyper intelligent prophet from the future is allowed to be wrong sometimes. After quickly realizing that nobody gives a shit about some fucked up Frenchie from at least 100 years ago and his writing "style" that makes Nietzsche look like Mayer, they STFU'd about the frog and made the next logical step to exploiting white trash for much needed views.
TL;DR, this channel went from Nazi's to the retarded Grandfather of Aleister Crowley, and now it has more white trash than Louis CK living in Sunnyvale. Top notch, History channel.
See also
- Apocalypse – When in doubt, turn to Nostradamus' prophecies.
- Qanon - Modern day incarnation.
- 2012 – Some believe that the Mayas were better fortune-tellers.
External links
- Nostradamus on TOW
- Nostradamus in popular culture on TOW
- Category:Nostradamus on TOW
- nostradamus.org – An archive of all the bullshit
- Nostradamus Society of America – Nostradamus predicted 9/11
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