Jonas Brothers
The Jonas Brothers are yesterday's Justin Bieber and C Simpson and a totally rocking band of christfags who were the masters of having a fan base of 12 year old girls sucking moar cock (before Bieber and C Simpson came along that is). The Jonas Brothers claim to be from New Jersey, but it is rumored that they were conceived, birthed, and raised by the Disney corporation. If that rumor is true, then they grew up in a better place all along. The modern day Jonas Brothers were the stars of their own pathetic Disney show, but it was cancelled. It is founded off the hordes of 12 year old girls and their moms, who fantasize about which brother they'd like to fuck them.
The Jonas Brothers also believe in no marriage before sex, which is most likely the lead cause of Kevin Jonas becoming engaged to the first whore who let him see her bra strap. The Jonas Brothers are universally hated by those with functioning minds for making beautiful Gibson guitars look shitty and showcasing their complete lack of musical talent. To give you an idea of what their shitty music sounds like, think of Hanson, but cleaned up with Auto-Tune, and with less talent and originality.
Steps Taken for their Formation
- Give normal kids to Disney.
- Strap guitars onto a bunch of no-talent, non-threatening boys
- Teach them how to lip-sync!
- Use the media to hype them into the "next big thing", then watch them laugh all the way to the bank.
- ????
- Profit!
The Boys
Kevin "The Pedophile" Jonas
Kevin is known as the Ugly One, the Other One, or is not even mentioned at all. His main claim to fame is that he apparently has a MASSIVE dick. This would make up for his eye-blindingly bad looks normally, but no proof exists except anecdotes from his incestuous brothers. A while back, Kevin has tried to up his looks by styling his hair in a gay fashion just like his gayer brother Joe in order to increase the amount of retarded fan girls who would want him to pound their tight smelly vagges. Kevin is also well-known for Disney has decided that he will wear high-heeled boots, patterned shirts and tight white jeans. At 23-years-old, Kevin is completely unappealing to the band's 12-and-under fanbase, who prefer the younger and baby-faced other members of the band. He was also named 20 out of 100 on a list of the unsexiest men alive, showing he is unpopular with normal women as well. (On a lulzy sidenote, Michael Jackson and Chris Crocker were named sexier than him.) He was also voted Sexiest Man Alive once. We don't know what happened.
For added lulz, tell fans that he died while texting and driving. If they say it isn't true, admit that it isn't, you only wish that it was.
Joe "The 'Tard" Jonas
Joe is usually considered by fans to be the "hottest" of the three cuntrags (and also The One With The Fucking Massive Eyebrows). No matter how many times you compliment this one on his looks, one fact remains: Joe Jonas stopped developing mentally at the age of three. This was never discovered because the brothers were home-schooled by their mother and their father, a minister. Perhaps due to this, Joe never felt quite special enough, so when Nick picked up a guitar and thought he looked cool holding it, then said to his brothers: "HAY, LETZ ALL START A B4ND, GUISE!", Joe joined in, and it was so.
His utter stupidity is masked by his innocent demeanor, and most 12 year old girls are too horny to notice anyway. What Joe Jonas fails to comprehend is that he is not loved because he has any talent but because he lives in the implausible fantasies of prepubescent girls. Joe may be considered good looking by many lolis[1], but in truth, his appearance is similar to that of a Greek transsexual.
Nick "The Shota" Jonas
Nick Jonas is the youngest in the Jonas faggle, and for some reason thinks he's cool with his little Jewfro. He whines and cries over his "tough" life of being rich, famous, and having a Jew necklace that states he has some fucking disease that he deserves. He whacks off onto a Jesus action figure every night before going to bed.
Nick Jonas garners the most love, devotion, and financial welfare of the three. He’ll forever be remembered for the fateful day in Jew York City where he shamelessly revealed that he had the dreaded diabeetus. Nick announced the horrifying news during an annual diabeetus fundraiser. Police reports state that eight JB fan girls committed suicide on sight and twenty more drowned in the waist deep pool of tears. Meanwhile, few sane people took notice of Nick’s confession and even fewer found the time to take give a shit.
That fact that he was merely given diabeetus, and not killed outright, proves that God does not exist.
He also dumped Selena Gomez and got dumped by Miley Cyrus, which makes him either a faggot, retarded or both a retarded faggot, but it's not like that was something we didn't already know, anyway...
Big Rob
The band's personal body guard, got the job through their dad. As He was originally known to the boy's as Daddy's "friend" Rob, or Uncle Rob the black person that fucks dad in the ass every night. Now he protects the Jonas Brothers and blows their buttholes open with his big black cock.
A quick glance at their faggotry
A clear demonstration of the Jonas Brothers' sense of humor and Joe's poor math skills.
Q. How do you get all three Jonas Brothers on a barstool?
A. Turn it upside down. WRONG! (There are 4 legs on a barstool.) They all suck off/make out on the remaining leg.
We do not have facebook!
Totally NOT gay!
There are no words in the English language, or indeed any language, capable of describing the utter faggotry on display here.
The Real Band
The Jonas Brothers are also the musical equivalent of The Monkees, only less talented.
Here are the guys who actually play the instruments in the band.
- John Taylor - Lead guitar/Blowjob distributor
- Greg Garbowsky - Bass Guitar/Semen inflator
- Jack Lawless - Drums/Spank provider
- Ryan Liestman - Keyboard/Antipussy motivator
- Buzz Killington - Manager/Buttsecks distributor
Five people. WHAT THE FUCK???????? They have an entire band that's actually playing while they prance around looking pretty on stage. Not only are their songs mostly done in the studio, but they can't even replicate their shit live without help. These talentless motherfuckers make Milli Vanilli look like the Beatles (Girl, you know it's girl you know it's girl you know it's girl you know it's.)
Trolling Jonas Brothers' fans
Trolling JB fans is quite easy, and often results in epic lulz due to the fact that they are all whiny, oversensitive 12 year old girls.
- One of the most creative ways of trolling fans is by posting this:
"I'm going to kill the Jonas Brothers horribly. I'll start with Nick. I'll slowly file off all of his skin before castrating his poor excuse for a penis and gutting him halfway. Then I'll hang him by his own intestines from a tree, keeping him alive, and leave him like that for weeks so he rots slowly and painfully. I'll do the same to Kevin and Joe. But you, little girl, get a special treat. I'll rape and impregnate you before locking you in a dark, cold cellar swarming with killer bees, gutting you after three months of pregnancy."
- Making fun of their purity rings, AIDS, rape-filled pasts, homosexuality, lack of any musical talent, retarded relationship bullshit, or Nick's diabeetus is also advised.
- If you are intent on getting quick lulz from teh fantards visit their official JewTube channel and spam teh fuck out of it here.
Yahoo! Answers
As Yahoo! Answers is predominated by 12 year old girls and 30 year old pedophiles (the demographies making up the bulk of the Jonas Brothers' fanbase), you can only imagine the amounts of sheer failure and faggotry that are pumped into Yahoo's servers daily. Questions such as "wut iz nicks personel fone #!?!?!?!!!11!1" and "duz joe acept rim jobs frum fans?!?!!11" are commonplace.
Jonas fantards lurk about the Celebrity section, ready to defend their favorite faggots with their powers of shitty grammar and flawed logic. Most 12 year-old girls would rather have a hot poker jammed up their loli pussy than hear another person talk shit about their "fave rawk band." Although in truth, most 12 year-old girls would like a poker jammed up their loli pussy anyway.
Couple this with the fact that the Jonas Brothers are easily the most discussed band on the boards, and you have a prime trolling ground.
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Prime Trolling Ground -
Apparently, you must find all members of a band attractive in order to be a "true fan". The logic of your average 12 year-old girl. -
Why are the Jonas Brothers' lips so shiny? -
Proof God doesn't exist. Why would he create such faggotry?
Songs they destroyed/made worse
- "Fix You" by Coldplay
- "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty. Note: Petty has allowed dozens of groups to cover this song, graciously. The cover by the Jonas Brothers was the only one he fought against. Srsly.
- "Gravity" by John Mayer
- "Take On Me" by A-ha
- "Kids of America" by No Secrets
- "Twenty-four" by Switchfoot
- "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder
- "So Far Away" by Carole King
- "Thinking Of You" by Katy Perry
- "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond
- "Halo" by Beyonce Knowles
- "I Gotta Feeling" by The black person Eyed Peas
- "Hello Goodbye" by The Beatles (no, not even John, Paul, George, and Ringo are safe from their faggotry.)
- "Year 3000" by Busted
- "What I Go To School For" by Busted
- "I'm Gonna Getcha Good" by Shania Twain
- "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath. Sadly, many Anus Brothers fans claim that it was Black Sabbath that ripped off the Jonas Brothers, not the other way around. So not only do the brothers have the greatest music in the world, they also have access to a time machine. Also note how these songs have nothing in common save the title.
Which Jonas Brother is GAY?
Let's look at the evidence:
- They all wear purity rings - faggotry
- Joe dated and dumped Taylor Swift by orders of his father, what straight dude would dump Taylor Swift? FAG
- Nick Jonas dated Selena Gomez and dumped her, what straight dude would dump Selena Gomez? FAG
- Kevin is married, that does not prove that he is straight, just covering it up like Ted Haggard.
Rock Stars
Disney and every outlet, soccer momcows and 12 year old girls like to call these faggots rock stars, they are not rock stars.
- Real Rock Stars do not wear purity rings and spew christfaggotry. Instead Real Rock Stars fuck groupies, super models and actresses and scare soccer momcows into thinking they will lead their children to satan worship.
- Real Rock Stars only spew out the bible bullshit after 25 years of whoring and boozing when they are finally wasted and burned out husks, or go on reality shows where they try to hook up with even worse burned out wasted skanks with no shred of anything resembling talent whatsoever.
- Real Rock Stars have a reserved room at Promises Rehab.
- Real Rock Stars have confirmed kills, examples....
- Real Rock Stars get accused of writing songs with hidden messages that make teens kill themselves.(Ozzy, Judas Priest)
- Real Rock Stars cause crowd stampede deaths.(The Who, Riverfront Arena, Cincinnati OH, 16 KIA)
- Real Rock Stars use pyrotechnics in cramped and crowded Rhode Island Nightclub. (Great White, The Station, RH, 104 KIA)
- Real Rock Stars trash luxury hotel suites and leave with over $20,0001 worth in damages.
- Real Rock Stars whip their penises in front of large crowds including children.
- Real Rock Stars have tour buses that are rolling booze, drug and fuck orgies on wheels.
- Real Rock Stars die in fiery plane crashes.
- Real Rock Stars do get married, get a really messy divorce, then repeat that about 5 more times.
- Real Rock Stars, no brown M&M's EVER.
- Real Rock Stars give Crack to their cats.
Pictures
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Are they SLEEPING WITH EACH OTHER? -
Actual photo of Nick's penis.
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This basically speaks for itself. -
Typical Jonas Brothers fan. -
NOT GAY AT ALL WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! -
W3R So0o0o H4RdK0R3!!!111 -
Proving he is a fag. Even Mudkip knows! -
picture of the Jo Anus Brothers being born from their mom. -
NICK JONAS IS A FUCKING GIRL!!! -
Nick in 50 years!He won't make it to 50 lol. -
Kevin acting like a faggot. -
PROOF that they get horny for each other. -
They got PONED!!! -
A behind-teh-scenes look at the three faggots. -
He'd rather be playing with a giant dick than a guitar ANY day. -
Who they will NEVER be! -
Joe being a faggot with Zac Efron. What else is new? -
Nick came. -
Nick helps Kevin came. -
Only if it's a hot guy...amirite? -
Google agrees -
This is what Texas Chainsaw Massacre has to say in regards to these musical abominations. -
Joe came. -
The Jonas Brothers, about to take a Cake Break. -
AHA! A confession! -
Your typical Jonas Fa- Wait, WHAT THE FUCK? -
lulz -
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The dream of every JoHoe! -
Pedobear is jealous. -
No comment needed? -
Releasing the inner faggot, of course. -
Rush, sort of like the Jonas Brothers, but with real talent and from Canada! -
It took them a while to find the right image -
Russell Brand mocked the Jonas Brothers, because they all wear one of these -
A boy tries to diss the Jonas Brothers but instead fails by indicating he enjoys Limp Bizket. -
Fake or Real? Due to being a whore, most likely real. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 1. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 2. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 3. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 4. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 5. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 6. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 7. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 8. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 9. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 10. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 11. -
Owning some fangirl at Jonas Brothers fan chat, part 12. -
Jonas Brothers fans display their sooper original comebacks!!1!!oneone! -
Too much cum in the face. -
See Also
- Attention Whore
- Sell Out
- MTV
- Fangirl
- Twinks
- Fail
- 12 year old girls
- Disney
- Vanessa Hudgens
- Miley Cyrus
- The Antichrist
- Buttsecks
- Free Realms
External Links
Troll 'Ems
- The Jonas Brothers' YouTube page
- The Jonas Brothers' MySpace page
- The Jonas Brothers' OFFICIAL Website
- One of the Jonas Brothers' fansites
- Another Jonas Brothers' fansite
- Another completely gay fansite
- YET Another gay fansite (Caution: Wear shades.)
- Image macros made by Jonas fans professing their undying love
- The Jonas Brothers Fan Group ON JEWTUBE!
- Another response video
- A Jonas Fan's response video
A fan calls for an end to Jonas hate
For The Cause/Lulz
- a Jonas Brothers 'fan fiction' (send to fansites plz)
The Jonas Brothers Get Raped- Re-enacted history of the Jonas Brothers' life
- The Urban Dictionary definition of Jonas Brothers
- The Jonas Brothers according to Larry Hagman in Oliver Stone's Nixon
- JOHOEZ HATERS FORUMS
- Chelsea Handler vs. the Jonas Brothers: Part 1
- Chelsea Handler vs. the Jonas Brothers: Part 2
- Chelsea Handler vs. the Jonas Brothers: Part 3 (fanmail)
- A troll video
- Another troll video
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Jonas Brothers is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |
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