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"Prophet" Muhammad
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This article is about the actual guy. You may be looking for the Muhammad Cartoons or Islam |
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of the Prophet (ﷺ)? We are here to help! Please click here! |
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| Prophet Muhammad ﷺ | |
| Name | Muhammad ibn Abdullah |
| Born | April 20, 571 |
| Died | June 8, 632 (age 62) |
| Nationality | Arabian |
| Occupation | Merchant, religious preacher, prophet and messenger of Allah. |
| Prophethood | |
| Religion name | Islam |
| Location Founded | Mecca, Saudi Arabia |
| Preceded by | Jesus Christ |
| Followed by | None (He was the last messenger duh!) Guru Nanak (Sikhism) |
Abū al-Qāsim Muḥammad bin Abdullāh bin Muṭṭalib bin Hāshim bin Salaad bin Laden, better known as Prophet Muhammad☪ was a masculine gigachad warrior and falsely accused pedophile who lived thousands of years ago in Arabia. Although his warrior behaviour and liking of young women 9 year old girls was not unusual for his time, his place or for Arabs in general, Muhammad stands out from the other Arabs because of one accomplishment that lived on wayy after his death, He was the man responsible for starting Islam.
Due to Islam's incredible persistence, there is a case to be made that Muhammad is one of the most greatest individuals in human history.
Role in Islam
Prophet Muhammad is known to the Muslims as the Messenger Muhammad, sallahu alaihi wassalam. Muslims are expected to say "sallahu alaihi wassalam" every single time they say his name, AND THEY REALLY DO!
Muslims are so committed to honouring this guy, that the Arabic phrase "Sallallahu alaihi wasallam" has been made into it's own Unicode character: ﷺ. There is no one, dead or alive, real or fictional, in the entire history of humanity who receives as much praise and devotion as Muhammad, Not even Adolf Hitler. Despite this, Muslims insist that they do not worship Muhammad, and that they only worship Allah.
Regardless, Muhammad is everything to Muslims. Their devotion to him is greater even than the obsession that Christians have with Jesus or the Virgin Mary. Thus, even the slightest disrespect of Muhammad, deliberate or otherwise, causes astonishing levels of butthurt among Muslims. The resulting reactions of shock, fear, anger, uncontrollable rage and desire to commit murder are a troll's greatest dream. Muslims are the ultimate trolling target, but this comes at a price: All Muslims know that anyone who slights the name of their beloved messenger must be killed immediately, and many are prepared to spend decades in prison, risk their own lives or even outright sacrifice themselves for the sake of avenging the hurt feelings of Muhammad. In real life, it is stupid idea to insult Muhammad, as it will probably result in you getting beaten up, shot or beheaded. However, for all his wonderful Islamic revelations, Muhammad never predicted the arrival of teh Internetz, a platform from which he could be mocked without mercy. Trolling Muslims online by insulting the Prophet Muhammad (especially by drawing him) is one of the most pleasurable things in history, almost as pleasurable as child marriages until the west becomes so degenerate, that Muslims can mock those in return, surpasses it all.
Youth
Muhammad was born long before internet in a shack in Mecca. The house he was raised in is now a public toilet. his dad died before he was born, so he was raised by a single mom. She later died of AIDS, and so Muhammad was adopted by his Grandfather, a local mercant. Three years after his mother's death, Muhammad's grandfather also died, and so Muhammad was passed to his Uncle. Muhammad worked as shepherd to pay for his upkeep. In this profession, he may have developed further pleasure tastes.
During his years as a teenager and young adult, Muhammad worked as a mercant selling khat and opium. after his uncle kicked him out of the house (for being too big and hairy to provide this proud gigachad with sexual pleasure) Muhammad went to work for a Gypsy named Khadija. Khadija made money by making counterfiet goods and low quality tents. 25 year old Muhammad strongly desired Khadija, as she was a smoking hot MILF, and he masturbated continuously whilst smelling her undergarments.
Once, while he was drinking with some of Khadija's other slaves, Muhammad thought it would be lulzy to troll Khadija and said that he had seen God in the desert. After telling Khadija of how God had talked to him, Muhammad expected Khadija to be of fear and of astonishment, but instead she concluded that Muhammad was the messenger of God, and so she promptly took him into her tent and fucked him. Within about a week, Muhammad and Khadija were married and having sex every night. Muhammad had 4 children with Khadija. After this incredible twist, Muhammad concluded the following: If you go into the desert, come back and pretend you talked to God, bitches will actually believe you and spread their legs. Thus began Muhammad's career as a professional IRL troll, that would lead him to getting moar sex than Hugh Hefner, but would also lead to the creation of a political ideology so ridiculously right wing it makes national socialism look moderate.
Srs Businessman
15 years on, and Muhammad had taken control of Khadija's business, and went to live in Mecca. Khadija had long since taken her rightful place as a stress reliever and baby generator. Muhammad adopted a "multi level marketing" business model, and, like most professional scammers, was constantly looking for better ways to convince dumb normies to sign up to his AMAZING NEW WAY OF MAKING MONEY ZOMG!! He was also looking out for a new wife, as Khadija was now in her 60s and beginning to show signs of chronic old. He was particularly interested in a local woman named Sawda. At age 40, Muhammad started to have a genuine mid life crisis. he then went to live in a cave to be away from Khadija, who by now was a fat, oozing old elder.
Whilst in the cave, Muhammad decided it would be a great idea to try the pull "talked with [[Allah]" again just to see if the same trick would work twice. He went home and told his fat, bloated wife that he had talked to an angel. She decided to believe him. Then he spouted his saying to his children and they also believed him. His biggest challenge was to get his main man, Abu Bakr to also believe him. But he succeeded and soon gathered a small following of other enlightened masculines gigachads and feminines (not feminist) who faithfully handed over their money to fund Muhammad's masculinity.
Although people ignored this gigachad at first, eventually the population of Mecca grew tired of harbouring a pyramid scheme run by a him and so they chased these gigachads out of town. They all ran off to Medina. Muhammad took his favourite hooker, Sawda, with him to Medina, where he married and fucked her. His old wife, Khadija, eventually passed away.
Prophet, preacher, and falsely-accused pedophile
Immediately prior to their move to Medina, Muhammad's main homie Abu Bakr and his wife produced an baby girl named Aisha Bint Abu Bakr. Before long, the baby Aisha had turned into an adorable loli and Muhammad was infatuated with her. He desired a small girl for the sake of having a vagina tight enough to stimulate his micropenis. He also disliked pubic hair. By this time a large portion of the general population of Medina joined Muhammad's new religion, Islam. Muhammad was a powerful man by this time, but he still didn't quite have the balls to ask his best friend, Abu Bakr, to marry and shag his kid. When Aisha turned 6, Muhammad became worried she would soon start to loose her hawt loli appearance. So Muhammad decided to showcase his power to Abu Bakr by invading his hometown of Mecca, and pwning every cunt that got in his way. Once he had taken control of the big black cube in the middle of Mecca, the 55 year old prophet posed the big question to Abu Bakr.
Astonishingly, Abu Bakr obliged, and the 6 year old was married to middle aged Muhammad. Muhammad was unable to have sex with Aisha for three years. During this time however, the happily married couple engaged in thighing (that is, covering your 6 year old wife's legs in olive oil, holding them together and sliding your cock through like it's a vagina). When Aisha was 9, Muhammad finally managed to penetrate his favourite wife. This is one of the evidences.
Doesn't change the fact that there is no condemnation of pedophillia in the Bible (and no, reinterprating that Bible verses about homosexuality as "pedophillia" doesn't fucking count), instead the Virgin Mary was 13 when she gave birth to Jesus while Rebecca (14), Dinah (7), and Abisag (12) married at those ages, which would be considered "pedophilic" and "child marriages" in present-day standards, while Christians sucking off to Secular-Liberal dickes to oppose Islam at all, which includes accusing Muhammad of Pedophillia. also despite the denial and some Anti-Theists claims nothing wrong with LGBT, there is a scientific study that shows those who practice homosexual acts has chances of 12 times more to molest a child sexually and bisexuals has chances of 16 times more to molest a child. not to mention the Drag Queen Story Hour thing, in which a Drag Queen reads a book in front of kids to promote "reading and diversity", and transgender kids doing transition surgery at their young age/Protect Trans Kids things. these proves that the pedophiles accusers ironically have that mental disease unironically.
Warrior
After taking over Mecca, Muhammad began a campaign to take over the whole of Arabia. This was to be done by rapid production of new children by Muslim households, conversion of as many new members as possible, and killing anyone standing in the way. Unsurprisingly, the exact same tactics used by Muhammad at this time are now being used by Muslims to take over backwards and barbarian Europe.
When Muhammad's friends and followers died in war, Muhammad honoured their memory by marrying their widows and taking them to his bed. In total, Muhammad had eleven official wives and countless concubines like King Solomon.
His favourite wife, however, always remained his loli Aisha. She is highly respected in Islam, praised above all Muhammad's other wives, and called mother of the believers by Muslims.
Death and disposal
Muhammad died in Medina in 632 aged 61 from complications of fever and headache. A great stench had surrounded the Prophet Muhammad since his 40s, becoming ever stronger as he aged and going through the roof as he died. This was due to the rotting of his internal organs and skin. Muhammad had worms in his mouth as he died, further evidence that Muhammad's body had begun to decay. As soon as he was dead, the Prophet was hoisted into huge stone sarcophagus that had been custom built to contain his immense weight. Blood, urine and faeces began to fill the coffin very quickly.
The Prophet was originally to be entombed in his home in Mecca, but it proved impossible to move him due to his weight and the sheer stench that emanated from his carcass. Therefore, he was buried under the mosque in Medina. A thick layer of wax was poured around the coffin to contain the odours. When this proved to be too weak, the coffin was layered with an additional thick layer of copper and many tons of rock and sand.
Prophet Muhammad is supposedly still buried underneath the Mosque in Medina. It is rumoured that, on one occasion, a pack of Jews attempted to exhume the prophet and transport his body elsewhere. However, upon attempting to break into the the sarcophagus, the smell they encountered was so foul and putrid that it caused them to kill themselves.
In more recent years, the Saudi Government removed the sarcophagus for fear that the 1400 year old rotting carcass therein was poisoning their precious oil. It's current whereabouts are unknown.
Origins and appearance
Muhammad's dad was a Makzhumite named Abdullah ibn Abdul Muttalib. Abdullah died in his 20s just before Muhammad get out of his mom's vagina. Muhammad's mother, Aminah binti Wahab died 6 years later.
Like most Arabs, Muhammad's appearance a large, hairy brown ape-descended human with a hugely disproportional jaw and had a long, dark beard, almost identical to that of Osama bin Laden. It was believed by Christians that Muhammad had yellow, reptilian eyes and small, goat-like horns, which makes him Satan. yes, a "Satan" that convinces a society to worship Allah alone instead of doing falsehood and deceit.
In his later years, Muhammad became increasingly corpulent, weighing around 600 lb (300 kg) at the time of his death.
Personality and traits
Muhammad's consistently masculine, gigachadic, behaviour is presumed to be deliberate - presumably a result of psychopathy, sociopathy and/or NPD.
However, some of Muhammad's actions and beliefs may have been caused by a separate, undiagnosed illness. It is possible Muhammad suffered from Autism. It is also possible that his delusions and hallucinations may have been a result of huntington's disease (alzheimers + parkinsons in young(er) people). Muhammad may have inherited huntington's disease from his father, but since that guy died, it is unknown when what he died of.
Possible cloneding
The remains of Muhammad are believed to lie beneath the floor of the Masjid an-Nabawi ("Prophet's Mosque") in Medina, Saudi Arabia. Muhammad is buried there along with Aisha (who was buried later), Abu Bakr (her father and the first caliph) and Umar (another one of Muhammad's friends, the second caliph, who was killed by an Iranian). next of Umar's tomb, there is an open tomb for Jesus. After this, the tomb was sealed permanently and many tons of concrete were poured around it. A lack of exposure to sunlight, oxygen, water or anything else ensures that Muhammad is probably quite well preserved. Should one be able to access the crypt, it may be possible to extract DNA from Muhammad and clone him. This would allow his physical and personality to be studied in greater detail, and such a study would be very valuable to historical and psychological academia. There is no confirmation that this was ever done, but it is possible that Mossad may have extracted a sample from Muhammad's DNA in order to create a race-specific bio-weapon to perish all Arabs.
