Jesus
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|---|---|
| I AM THE PROPHET OF GOD! | |
| Jesus F. Christ | |
| Born | c. 4 BC Jerusalem |
| Died | AD 30/33 (aged 33–36) |
| Born again | c. 33 AD Jerusalem |
| Nationality | Jewish ✡ |
| Occupation | Cult leader, Shepherd, Carpenter, Magician, Gigolo |
| Cult | Christianity |
| Predecessor | Buddha (Buddhism) |
| Successor | Muhammad (Islam) |
| Current location | Turin, Italy |
| Names |
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Jesus Fucking Christ✡ is proof that kikes will torture one of their own to death via BDSM, with the help of well-paid Roman gangsters, in order to preserve ownership of their Jew gold.
Jesus (also known as "Jizz-ass" or Yeshua bar Yehosef) was a deeply deluded Heretic Jew (also known as Communist) who went insane at the age of 30, leaving his job as a carpenter and living as a liberal hobo sponging off others along with 12 crazy cultists for the next three years, finally committing suicide by cop to bring about the End of the World. Probably the son of Joseph, the main character of the sequel to the Jew Bible, and also known as "The Perfect Man", Jesus was even more successful than Harry Potter (but not as powerful or swarming in pussy) and one could even say that he performed the role of Luke Skywalker for 1900+ years. He will be forever remembered in the Mediterranean Literature Hall of Fame and No. 1 in Romantic Pocket Novels.
According to the Bible, Jesus was God's magic flying pinko commie Jew son, who could rise from the dead, as socialists do. He was featured as a Mary Sue character in a shitty Jewish slashfic called the Bible, even though all he did was troll on ppl IRL, and eventually got killed for pissing everybody off (See Trolling). He has also inspired a freaky fetish around him, and was the inspiration for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust.
The most amuzing part of it all, is that the very same people that nowadays worship him fanatically, having they lived in his times, would have mocked, persecuted and even killed him for challenging the establishment of society.
Life and miracles of the father of all trolls; read and learn
Nativity: The birth of a troll
Coincidentally born on Christmas day in the year 0 D.C.(During Christ) to Mary. According to the recently unearthed Gospel of Mary, Mary revealed all of her sexual exploits. It turns out that Mary was the local slut who had a thing for black guys. Most mornings she would wake up in public housing, sucking dat delicious dark chocolate. It turns out that God choose her because he thought her ironic nickname, Virgin Mary, was true. After a disappointing night with God she married the clueless Joseph and began making pregnancy porn to pay the bills. After giving birth she gave each Wiseman a blowjob, except Bathazar, who was gay and spent all night trying unsuccessfully to scam on Joseph. Mary also included various drawings of different sexual positions and records of her sluttiest acts. For instance most loads of cum swallowed in a night was 20. After Jesus went out and was a prophet, Satan showed up and started flirting with Mary. Mary (now married to God) agreed to a quick handjob, But Satan tricked her and covered her face in jizz. After tasting some of it, Mary needed more and started deepthroating the devil's dick. Now that Satan had Mary seduced he asked for anal, to which Mary happily agreed. After a "life-changing" assplowing, Mary let Satan go to town on her pussy. After the fuckfest was over Satan asked Mary to come to Hell, where she could suck all the dick she wanted. Mary agreed but realized she had to trick God into letting her go. She told God she was going to Hell to try and save the damned. God agreed and Mary ran down to Hell and had a bukkake session with all the demons. She lived in Hell as the local slut, until Jesus was crucified. When he descended into Hell he found his mom, covered in cum, sucking Satan's balls. According to the gospel of Mary she stayed in Hell during those three (3) days and fucked other demons while Satan coerced Jesus to follow in his mother's footsteps. After that Mary said she went back to giving Satan blowjobs 24/7, she only leaves to fuck black guys. According to the Gospel of Mary, Jesus came back to Hell to be Satan's bitch, so Mary and Jesus share Satan. God thinks Mary is working hard in Hell (not entirely inaccurate) but is disappointed by his gay son. Mary, like Jesus now lives off a diet of cum. It's great for Mary's teeth and Jesus' confidence. The gospel ends with Mary including 666 photo albums of Mary fucking, sucking, and swallowing the denizens of Hell, 13 pornos and an additional 666 albums of Jesus doing to same. If we go by the note written in the back of the book Mary wants to send this to God to cuckold him, and says that right now, she is swallowing Satan's hot, sticky delicious cum while he rubs his balls all over her face. According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") was born in Bethlehem (meaning "house of bread" in both Arab and Hebrew, one more reason for Catholics to now eat their god) in a barn (more reasons) and then placed in a manger (even moar reasons) because his cheated step-dad, Joseph, was too Jew to get a room for his 9 month pregnant slut wife. Rumor says Mary and Joseph were about to eat their new-born dinner when they were interrupted by three guys that had followed a bright alien space ship to Bethlehem and proceed to gave Jesus gold, incest, and embalming fluids.
Little is known of Jesus' childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. But according to the Infancy Gospel of St Thomas, the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognizing his divinity for the lulz.
Other theories
According to the Talmud, the book written by the Pharisees (the modern Rabbis), Jesus was born of an 'non-consensual relation' between Mary and a Roman soldier named Panthera, who was a German mercenary, which would explain his innate hatred for the Jews.
Another theory put by John the Evangelist, is that Jesus was the incarnation of the Logos, a word which is a corruption of LOL, therefore, a correct translation would be:
—John 1 |
Ministry: The trolling begins
As an adult, Jesus became something between a homeless vagabond and a New Age guru, and is widely considered to be the first hippie. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby making him the first raver also, and that people should live without many possessions—and the possessions they did have they should be open to sharing them—which also made him the first commie and race traitor. He had a group of fanboys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool, but Jesus really thought they were all pretentious hipsters that didn't understand a shit of what was teaching.
Jesus usually travelled from town to town, telling the people that they were doing it wrong and saying the exact opposite thing they expected him to say. This caused much trouble with the Pharisees and Sadducees and caused his rejection many times. He once narrowly escaped death in his own town.
Other notable events include:
- The Occupation of the Temple of Jerusalem, where he began flagelling money changers, calling them 'brood of vipers'.
- The Last Supper, where he literally gave 'his body' to his disciples to eat and his blood and to drink. Catholics reenact this every Sunday, if possible with little children.
Crucifixion: Trolls trolling trolls
TL;DR Jews did Jesus
Although there is no consensus about who is to blame for the act of douchery, it is easy to see that along with all the other atrocities in the world's history (including the invention of ZIMA and The View), it's the Jews' fault. The motives for this pwnage seem obvious, but over the last few years we have learned about the culture of these Seinfeld-worshiping kikes and further evidence points to the fact that these fuckers probably did it simply for teh lulz did it for teh Jew gold.
Teh fax:
In 33 AD (After Drama) Jesus became an hero when he pissed the Jew leaders for telling the truth about their greed, hypocrisy, lies and Jewishness in general. They then proceed to bribe one of his disciples, Jewedus, to betray him for 30 irresistible Jew golds.
Being too pussies to kill him personally they manipulated the Roman governor to do the dirty job by telling that Jesus was plotting against them.
—Over 9000 Jews PROTIP Don't forget to lick every blood-coated Jew every time you meet one, so Jesus may be in you |
The Romans proceeded to nail him to a piece of wood (hence the moniker "Shit on a stick") on a with a banner that read I.N.R.I which is the Latin acronym for IDIFTL. Two hundred eye witnesses to Jesus' crucifixion claim they witnessed Jesus having an erection. After a few hours, he died. Goodnight sweet prince (lol pwned).
After that, the Jews tried to Holocaust the early christians, but were just as successful as their future summer camp monitors.
ZOMG conspiracy!!11!
According to the Bible, though, the Jews killed Jesus as a human sacrifice to Yahweh to lift some curse on them. Yahweh loves blood sacrifices since the time when Abel gave him the first blood offering and Yahweh rebuffed Cain's plant offering. In return for the Jews killing Jesus as a human sacrifice, he made all Jews rich and gave them control of all the banks and the media. Though as Yahweh never has enough of innocent blood Jews have to satisfy him with continious secret human sacrifices that they perform with Christian babies all the time—it's true! Ask Iran or Mel Gibson! or with massive human sacrifice such as when the Jews flew remote-controlled airplanes into the twin towers and then collapsed the buildings with mini hydrogen bombs.
Europeans have never been able to forgive the Jews for unleashing their proselytist Jewish sect upon them, despite all recent efforts of redemption.
To all Christians, since Jesus died to redeem your sins, you should thank the Jews for making this happen.
Resurrection: And nothing of value was lost
According to the Bible, Jesus rose from the dead. But before that he spent three days in Hell as Satan's personal cumdumpster. During this time Jesus lost his gag reflex and acquired the taste of Satan's jizz. The Bible says this because the Apostles stole the body, and then trolled everyone that they'd all seen him and he'd risen from the dead- honest! Billions bought, and still buy this massive troll!
Modern Christians celebrate this by telling their children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.
Some argue that this 'happy ending' is fake and was added by the publishers in order to obtain a PG-13 rating and thus expand the potential audience to cover 13 year-old boys and 16-year-old girls and get maximum profit.
Lulzy quotes from Jesus
Regarding his intentions
Are you sure you don't want to follow his commandments?
—L16, Gospel of Thomas | ||
Regarding family love
Remember them to your closest Christfag family for great justice
—Matthew 10:35 | ||
—Matthew 36-37 | ||
Regarding self-mutilation
If you want to be a true Christian, follow the example of this pious believer
—Matthew 5:29 | ||
Regarding Jews
This is just a taste of the dozens of anti-semitic rants in the Gospels
—L43 Gospel of Thomas | ||
Regarding Bestiality
Your sister and the donkey show she does for free.
—Chapter 2 Gospel of Jizzalot CockThrobbington | ||
Regarding Divorce
Anyone who divorces and remarries will go to hell.
—Mt 5:32 | ||
—Mt 19:9 | ||
—Mk 10:11-12 | ||
The thing that makes these quotes lulzy is that churches tend to be full of divorced and remarried people, and every one of them (the women, particularly) will tell you that Jesus personally said it was ok in their special case. When you speak to a divorced an remarried christian, you are speaking to someone who does not really believe the bible, despite what they say and like to think.
New Testament: The Great edit war
The life and times of Jesus were recorded much like a Wikipedia article, that is, biased. Nearly all the work was done by his four biggest fanboy editors—User:Matthew, User:Mark, User:Luke and User:John—shortly after his death. Later, arguing vandalism by the Gnostics, the article was protected by a basement-dweller admin named Peter. Massive talk pages named councils were held, and the approved version of the text became the New Testament canon. Then, any content considered unsourced, original research, or simply not according to their view was baleeted and the editors banned. Being butthurt about this, many editors continued to write their own accounts of the events, eventualy creating what is now called the Apochrypha, which is like the Encyclopedia Dramatica of the Bible, that is, full of truth, drama and, ultimately, lulz.
It's generally agreed outside the circle of lunatic evangelical fanatics that Mark wrote his book first, and that Matthew and Luke plagiarized it and inserted a bunch of irrelevant shit from another common source. This is why, for instance, both Matthew and Luke include passages like the Lord's Prayer but have it at completely different points in the narrative. It's why they both have a birth story and an after-the-crucifixion story, but the stories don't line up with one another.
The earliest christian writers (eg: the books actually written by Paul) don't mention any of the events of Jesus' life (Nazareth, the preaching, the miracles, the trial before pilate); don't mention his preaching or cite him as an authority; Paul's entire message is that Jesus is coming soon - never that he's already been; all leading people to suspect that Mark's gospel was itself a work of fiction, mainly cribbed from the Homeric epics (the Oddesey and bits from the death of Hector), and written after christianity had already become thing.
The Gospel of John is straight-up propaganda, mainly written to answer the gnostics much later.
Marketing
Initial sales were stagnant, however, and so after conducting numerous focus groups and hiring many expensive consultants, the title was changed to Jesus: The Reckoning. Subsequent sales skyrocketed, thereby propelling the publisher—Catholic Church, Inc.—into global prominence.
Today, with Jesus fandom on the wane, The Reckoning is typically published as an anthology in conjunction with the so-called "Old Testament". This saves on printing costs, and has served to bolster sales, though one may still need to order the book at Amazon since many bookstores have stopped carrying it.
The last part of the book, called Revelations, talks of the Armageddon, where God pwns and gets all the lulz.
Is ED the second coming of Christ?
YES
First of all, ED appeared more or less 2000 years after the nativity of Jesus, at around the same month, December. Like Jesus, it was attacked by people that could not understand its hidden wisdom. Both had a common enemy, and like Christ, it was betrayed by one of its closest followers because of the same thing. After its death (both in April], appeared false prophets but it resurrected to restore the true message.
The American Jesus
Facts
- Jesus was a control freak and passive aggressive.
- Jesus was a jewish sandnigger.
- Jesus's mom WAS a virgin because anal doesn't count.
- Jesus's mom became pregnant when his dad's cum dripped out of her ass into her pussy after anal.
- Despite Jesus's mom being accidentally creampied by his dad without vaginal penetration, his dad also got cucked by God, even though his sperm penetrated Mary's cunt, God is still Jesus' biological father, so Joseph is raising someone elses son.
- Jesus makes a cameo in the Koran but he's not Allah's son and Allah only makes it look like he was crucified,
so what was the fucking point?!apparently he comes back on judgment day to kill the infidels and restore justice. - Makes celebrity appearances on bread.
- The Beatles were bigger than him. And got more pussy.
- Knows his cunnilingus.
- Jesus was meant to return last year in an immaculate conception but was aborted.
- Is not allowed within 500 feet of any public school in both New York State and Oregon.
- Jesus does not like to be fucked in the wristholes or footholes.
- Jesus says that he was too drunk at the time to remember turning water into wine, but also says he thinks it was actually Jack Daniel's because wine is for pussies.
- Jesus occasionally guest-stars on TV's South Park. Nobody is sure if he's making good on a bet or if he's just hard up for cash.
- Any person living in that area during Jesus' time would have had the skintone of an Arab. Be sure to tell Christians this as the thought of a black Jesus will drive them batshit insane. (Note: Sandniggers and niggers are NOT the same thing, niggers just like to take credit for the work of superior/ non-useless races like the Egyptians. Furthermore Jesus H. Christ worked as a carpenter, while everyone knows damn well that niggers don't work.)
- The purpose of Israeli intelligence service Mossad is to prepare for Jesus' return so that he can be killed again.
- Was a JEW and by default did WTC.
- Was not only a Jew but the Jews' instrument to control all Monotheists except the Zoroasthrians.
- Both added to and took from the Mosaic Law.
- If Jesus is the Messiah, David Koresh is the Lord of the Universe.
- Was responsible for your childhood pet dying and is torturing it as we speak.
- Had no sense of humor.
- Hated Jay-Jay the Jet plane.
- Was bigger than Jesus.
- Was actually Osama bin Laden in disguise.
- Jesus loves the taste of cum.
- Jesus died at the hands of some Roman soldiers while attempting to reach uncharted areas of BDSM fetishism.
Rule 34
Example
"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member. My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts! My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..." And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child." My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands. It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?" And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this is Heaven©..."
Second Cumming
Nuff said
Bel-Air
Now, this is a gospel all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a god called Yahveh
In west Nazareth born and raised
In the wilderness was where I spent most of my days
Preachin' healin' baptasin' all cool
And all kickin' some demons outside of the soul
When a couple of scribes
Who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my tribehood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said 'You're movin' with your Spirit and Father to J'lem'
Prophet class, yo this is bad
Drinking wine out of an endless glass.
Is this what the people of God living like?
Hmmmmm this might be alright.
But wait I hear they're prissy, wine all that
Is J'lem the type of place they send this cool cat?
I don't think so
I'll see when I get there
I hope they're prepared for the Son of Yahveh
Well, the ass stoped and when I came down
There were dudes who looked like jews standing there with a palm out
I ain't trying to get worshiped
I came here to serve
I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared
But they nailed me to a cross and when it came near
The plate said 'INRI' and it had a thorns for me
If anything I can say God's will is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Yahveh'
I pulled up to the Heaven about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the disciples 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To settle my throne as the Prince of Yahveh
Jesus Song
Kosher Pig Nailed to the Cross
Kosher pig nailed to the cross
Death and decaying, needed to nobody
Jewish king ended like a thief
Crucified on peak of Golgotha
Kosher swine crucified
Kosher swine crucified
Sold for thirty silver coins
Died in pain and disdain
Jewish beggar, pile of shit
Dead and stunk as their faith
Jewish pig nailed on a cross
Jewish pig nailed on a cross
One day everyone will realize
That this faith is false jewish paradox
Which beguiled white man
Free your mind from this filthy dogma
Your god is dead !!(8 times)
Jesus Parody Song
Hangin' on a cross in the hot sun! I fought the law and the law won. I fought the law and the law won.
Was put up here for claimin' that I'm God's son! I fought the law and the law won, I fought the law and the law won.
I challenged the state and made them so mad, them Romans ain't no fun. They'll rewrite it all so they don't seem so bad! I fought the law and the law won I fought the law and the law won.
Videos
Fortunately he was pwned by an oncoming bus Previous Video | Next Video |
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Galleries
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Jesus enjoyed his crucifixion immensely. -
From the big wig himself! -
Jesus not only created the Jewnited States of America he also spoke fluent english. -
Jesuz modafaka krist aka big-J -
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Jesus in his most famous film role. -
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He really booked it, the disciples then lied to cover it up. -
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Jesus was down with the kids, see pedophile.
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Swag. -
Nigger -
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Proof that there is such a thing as black Jews -
All-in-One Almighty Jesus -
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Jesus played real sport. -
No More Nails tries a new advertising campaign. -
The death of Christ has been a meme since the dawn of time. -
Jesus celebrating Halloween -
Jesus teaching a boy to be a man by gently throatfucking him. -
Often mistaken for Black Jesus, this is actually just a really good idea for dealing with the common, non-deified Nigra. -
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Jesus Christ and a Friend. -
Jesus was drowned in piss for our sins. -
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Jesus loves babies. A lot. -
Christians should look closer at pictures of Jesus. Here, he lets kids touch his cock. (Not that there's anything wrong with that). -
Even Jesus needs to put food on the table. -
Jesus at his day job. -
Jesus was in fact, a cockmongler. -
The Church after cartoons depicting Muhammad were released. -
"It is more blessed to give than to receive" Acts 20:35 -
"Jesus loves the little children, all the girls and boys..." -
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With the Jackhammer Jesus dildo, Christ will make you come again. -
Jackhammer Jesus now in steel for deeper penetration. -
Be filled withthe Spirit ofthe Lord. -
The Last Supper if Jesus was black. -
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Unfunny lolcat shit. -
Jesus doubts the power of a dog. -
Peace be with you... -
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Jesus is a loli. -
Jesus makes an appearance on Second Life. -
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Something is wrong with this picture. -
*Fixed -
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"Hi, it's Jesus. Could you do me a favor and stop being a giant faggot? K, thanks." -
Jesus holding his brother. -
He Drived for our sins. -
Jesus spanks 16 year old girls who fap in bed. -
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Furry Jesus -
Even Jesus Thinks Your a Dumbass. -
Love thy neighbour. -
What happens when Christians like Naruto. -
Jesus in his latest manga issue. -
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I am in your crucifixion buzzkilling your d00d. -
Saying the word 'Jesus' on earth is just like saying 'Voldemort' in the wizarding world. -
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Jesus was a disco enthusiast -
Known fact -
Jesus looks like Johnny Depp: Also fact -
He started the self-injury trend. -
Can you see Jesus? -
Jesus as seen from the eyes of gamers. -
Jesus touched me... -
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Nazi Pope filled with the holy ghost. -
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This pretty sums it up. -
It's A Miracle! -
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Furry Jesus -
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How it all began! -
Makes perfect sense. -
Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, Jesus is cuming! -
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How everything was created.
Love + Magic -
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LOLWUT -
And the only way Jesus will enter you is if you're a child. -
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What Jesus likely looked like -
He came back, and the Commies couldn't kill him -
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After the Fall -
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Jesus will shoot you in the face because you are not holy! -
... So instead of being crucified, Jesus is going to massacre Jews and Romans? -
Oh fuck off. -
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Guns don't kill people; Jesus kills people. -
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Skynet = God -
Jesus was notorious for giving very young children guns -
Jesus showing off his gats. -
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Just like Animal Mother, jesus saves! -
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Jesus 'I shoot at cats when I'm drunk' Christ
See Also
- BDSM
- Bible
- Black Jesus
- Cancer Jesus
- Ecce Mono
- Jesus is Hitler
- Jesus Tortilla
- Jesus With You, Always
- Mary Sue
- Moses
- Muhammad
- Necrophilia
- I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
- Raptorjesus
- Santa Claus
- Superman
- Tom Cruise
- Zombie
Links
- Loljesus.com
- Super Saiyan Jesus
- Jesus RPG Adventure video game
- Free Jesus-based iPhone?
- Jesus' DNA
- Jesus now has a MySpace.
- Seeing Jesus H. Christ
- Jesus is a hated celebrity.
- Welcome to Enlightenment!
- This article (written by a guy who reads real books IRL) is sure to cause butthurt to whoever reads it. It makes Christfags butthurt since it implies Jesus isn't God, and it makes Atheists butthurt since it implies Jesus actually existed.
- Mormon Jesus.
- Holy Shit!
- On The Character Of Jesus – Guaranteed to drive any Christian into a spastic frothing fit of RAGE! :D
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Jesus is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Jesus is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article December 22 & December 23, 2011 | ||
| Preceded by Kim Jong Il |
Jesus | Succeeded by Satan Claus |