Syria

Syria, officially the Syrian Arab Republic, was a terrorist training camp in the Middle East. It used to be the bastard whore-child of Iran, and the two countries repeatedly join forces for Muslim world domination before President Al. Assad (not to be confused with Al. Pacino) realizes that he is too nice to them. As of November 2012, Syria is officially no longer Iran's sole outlet to the sea.

Syrian Politics

Typical Syrian Police

Syria gained independence in April 1946. Syria's current ruler is Bashar al-Assad, the son of Hafez al-Assad. Although Syria is a "Republic", the Syrian president has full control over all the laws, the media, & practices hardcore forced propaganda. That being said, if you disrespect the president verbally on your balcony while talking to your wife and drinking coffee on a sunday morning, the national forces will take you down for 10 days of torture just for the lulz. Over 9,000% of the population is made of cock sucking spies for the president.

Bashar al-Assad (Bastard All Ass Odd Hole) officially holds the positions of:

• President
• Prime Minister
• Chief Virgin Inspector
• Super Master At Dealdy Farting

TL;DR version:

Don't go to Syria and if you are a citizen get out while you can... that's unless you wana be thrown in some jail cell for the rest of your life and have people thinking you just disappeared.

Bashar Al ASSad AKA S.M.F.R (Super Master Farting Rockets), Bashar Al ASSad's hobby is to fart into his own rockets and throw them on Syria's citizens, and then watch the effects of his deadly farts.

Syrian Laws

• Since 1948 Syria has gone to war with Israel several times and lost every single time, proving that Syrians just like getting butt fucked hard.
• Homosexuality is illegal. (despite that most of them suck cock)
• Pork is also basically illegal since they are mostly all 100% Muslim there.

	“	Israel kicked our ass so hard that we couldn't sit for a few good years.	„
	—Syria's citizens and Bashar Al-ASSad.

	“	I prepared my anus, Barack Obama! So in case you would attack my shitty rockets I will attack innocent Israeli people! Haha, bitch!	„
	—Bashar Al-ASSad.

Syrian Protests

Green: people who want the Syrian government dead. Blue: people who want the Syrian rebels dead. Grey: people who want them all dead. Yellow: wet themselves, said they'll answer our survey next year.

Imagine that you have a personal whore, and you fuck that whore pretty much constantly on a regular basis, but in the wrong way. One casual night, you are going to the thing that you always do. And all of a sudden the bitch asks you to not to put it in her "back-door" and do it in the right manner like a gentleman.

Of course you get confused. . . you are no gentleman! So you will slap the cunt for the next 18 month. . . Hence you can't give a flying fuck about the consequences since you have no oil in your pocket like Libya had.

But it doesn't end there! You decide to troll a little bit more (why not). what would you do? Of course you'd go the national television!!! all you need is a good punchline and a poker face which will lead to this:

	“	We don't kill our people...no government in the world kills its people, unless it's led by a crazy person	„

"Bashar Al-Assad is either delusional or has Anti-Social Personality Disorder. You need a shrink to deal with him" - Anonymous diplomat circa 2004

Syrian Internet

	“	The Internet in our country is bland and tasteless. All other Arab countries ban some websites, but in our country they ban all websites and leave some.	„
	—Some random guy

Syria has only had access the Internets since 2002 (since Syrians were too busy sucking cock to evolve like the rest of the human race...), and there is a very highly governed blacklist on websites (thus Syria is being whipped & raped by her presidnt, once again providing lulz for the world) . There is no access to p0rn which really means that there is not one goddamn website that can be accessed even though they have about 1,000 internet cafés. Besides, the connection is so slow that you can go eat & take a dump and come back and your page still won't be loaded. This is one of the main reason why there is no Syrians on the internet, and if you did find one, he probably got your e-mail from some friend's chat log without even asking him, or he is currently living outside Syria.

This is a positive thing really because if Syrians were unleashed on the internet, they'd destroy it with the worse wave of trolling known by human kind, killing every user by seeding rage and rapping everything nice. We shit you not, Syrians will be way much worse than those Brazilians faggots that beg for money online in Tanaris.

Typical Syrian internet cafe

Illegal in Syria

	“	Facebook could become a conduit for Israeli penetration of our youth, but the real reason for blocking the forum because it provides for criticism of the authorities.	„
	—Some random fucktard from the government.

Anonymous hacks into Assad's email

Long version.

Using their elite skills, Anonymous hacked into President Assad's email using the password "12345"

Anonymous obtaining the President's email and luggage password.

Their complete, unadulterated, and perfectly translated findings can be seen here.

	“	We don't kill our people...no government in the world kills its people, unless it's led by a crazy person.	„
	—The President of Syria, while entering "12345" as his password on his classified email account.

Assad hacks into the NSA

In response, the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into a few of the NSA's less crucial assets and took them down for a few hours each, such as the New York Times, Washington Post, Google, NASDAQ, and, causing the most damage, the Associated Press's Twitter account, from which they warned commodities brokers to put everything in canned food and shotguns, for great justice.

Syrians

Typical Syrian family.

Typical Syrian construction.

Disregard that they all suck cock, Syrians are mostly un-educated bastards that reproduce by doing mainly incest (even though it's against their religion and they're fucking fanatics... Pussy rules all).

Those type of sand niggers gtfo of school at age of 13 to marry their cousins or, god forbids, their sisters and shoot out at least 5 retarded children from one marriage.
Despite that they have no education at all, Syrians are known to develop naturally the ability to back stab people, steal and rape your sister if you be-friend them. Basically, they are worse than regular niggers.

Since their economy is in deep shit (this is mainly caused by their fucked up tyrant politicians, their politics, and their people who pass all their free time deep throat-ing sand nigger cocks), they look for any job they can find and take it, and we shit you not, they will even accept slavery, because really, their national currency is worthless. Most of the Syrians go to Lebanon, the famous Syrian city, to do butt-hurt whore jobs getting payed 2$/hour (which probably equals 20 Syrian $).

Syrian femanons are basically not that bad, but the poverty they live in and their language makes them not-fappable material.

Syrian also kill for the lulz. They like to play God and don't think twice before taking a soul. Their favorite weapon is knives. With Assad's killstreak beggining to reach epic proportions, (although nowhere near the same level of l33tness as Hitler's high score) teh President Assad began calling in attack helicopters, lulz ensued as the Syrian rebels began shooting them down with surface to air missile launchers as seen on several youtube videos. Amazingly, in the following video, several ragheads seem to have managed to shoot one down with small arms fire; Allahu Akbar.

Previous Video | Next Video

Syrian Rebels get pwned by a precision airstrike while whaling to their sand nigger god and shooting into the sky.

How To Troll A Syrian

• Tell them they are infidels & that their Koran is shit. Previous experience have shown that this will immediately turn the Syrian in question into a butthurt angry monkey. This is not advised for mass trolling for they can unite and kill you.
• Point out how retarded and uneducated they are.
• Remind them their State failed and there is no such thing as Syria.
• If they support Assad, remind them they are supporting genocide.
• If they support the rebels, remind them they are supporting genocide.
• If they are Kurdish, remind them that there will never be a unified Kurdistan.
• Call them Lebanese slaves.
• Call them Iraqis
• Remind them of what happened to the OTHER Baath Party leader. Baathism is dead.
• Tell them they are still a part of Christendom
• Tell the Muslim ones the Christians are out to side with a new Crusade coming this year.
• Tell the Christian ones the Muslims are going to force them all to convert this year.
• Point out that they, being dirty Arabs, are not related to the great Assyrians, or Syriacs.
• Ask them how Islam is the religion of peace when Muslims make up 99% of all terrorists.
• Put a C4 to their door, no beef no more. Irony is a bitch.
• Point out that they have never won a war agains Israel. Note that they lost one war in 6 days and lost another one even after they surprise attacked Israel on the holiest day in Judaism
• Tell them that the Golan Heights belongs to Israel
• Point out that if our politicians had any balls, they'd call it South-West Kurdistan.

Travel tips

Using any of the following expressions will instantly make u a butthurt syrian:

• Shloonak?
  
• Moo?
  
• Ma'almi
  
• Mouss Saba' Ta'at
  
• Kiss Omak
  
• Zaber
  
• ya Ah'ba
  
• ya bahayem
  

How to become a Syrian in 20 minutes:

• Find a sex shop
  
• Buy the biggest darkest scariest vibrator that they have available
  
• Put some chili sauce on the top
  
• Shove it up your ass and yell these exact words 3 times: Allahu-Akbar!

When travelling in Syria and you get a table at a restaurant, ask to be seated in the "no gassing" section.

Exports

Hamsters
Oil
Seinfeld
Shannon Elizabeth
Roman Emperor Philip the Arab
Jew
Zuul

External Links

• http://www.souria.com

This whole article is written by Schlomo Shekelstein.

Featured article September 6 & September 7, 2013
Preceded by The Incredible Flying Broomstick Guy	Syria	Succeeded by Liberal Party of Australia