Boris Johnson

Spot the Boris

Depending on your POV, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (srsly) is: (A) A shambolic posh fat idiot with no more political ability than a lit fart; (B) The Tory party's secret weapon and leader-in-waiting; (C) A dangerous political schemer of Machiavellian dimensions who hides his hideous potential under a superficial media-friendly veneer of bumbling affability; or (D) A highly-successful IRL Troll.

It has been suggested that BJ's resistible rise to prominence has come about through his network of Tory friends, including his old fellow cokehead cronies in the Bullingdon Club, David Cameron and George Osborne, but nothing could be further from the truth. He is the British political system's embodiment of The Turd That Won't Flush Away.

"Journalist"

Johnson has succeeded in life despite having Down's Syndrome

Joined Murdoch's The Times as a trainee reporter and was sacked within a year for falsifying a quotation. Then washed up on the newsdesk of the Wolverhampton Express and Star, where he might well have toiled in relative and richly-deserved obscurity for the rest of his days, but somehow got on board Tory stalwart broadsheet The Daily Telegraph and rose to be Assistant Editor. Nothing to do with being a posh Tory fanboy and member of the aristocracy, he got that position purely on his own evident merit. Same as he did when he became editor of The Spectator magazine just a bit later.

It was during his years on the Telegraph that BoJo was taped conspiring with convicted fraudster Darius Guppy to have an enemy of Guppy's beaten up. But not so badly that he would be put in hospital, so that's OK, and is probably the reason that (despite not reporting Guppy to the police) Boris wasn't sacked.

During this period he also got Tory fangirl and aristocrat Petronella Wyatt (daughter of Tory eminence grise and Royal Family hanger-on Woodrow (Baron) Wyatt) up the duff. She subsequently had her cunt scraped to remove any trace of Boris's watery seed. Again, he somehow avoided getting sacked. Boris's wife stood by him, as Tory wives tend to do.

(Fun fact: La Wyatt has admitted in print to writing her own entry on TOW and has threatened to sue the site over vandalism to that page. While she's Not Notable enough to merit her own entry here because she's just a blue-blood Tory slapper no-mark it would be truly awful if anything like that were to happen again -- which it can't because the craven cunts of TOW caved in at the first hint of libel action and locked her page).

"Politician"

File:Boris mah boi.jpg

BORIS MAH BOI!

While still in position as editor of The Spectator, BJ joined the Tory party (officially joined, that is; obv he'd been an unaffiliated Tory since his father's relevant ejaculation) and in 2001 got himself elected MP for the Tory 'safe seat' constituency of Henley, a place famous for its regatta (read: Annual picnic where wealthy and flabby-arsed true blue senior citizens eat strawberries and cream by the river once a year) and for being so upper-crust that they look down on the Queen.

He continued in this two-pronged situation until 2005 when he was appointed to the Tory front bench of then-opposition leader and old pal David Cameron. Again, he got this position purely because he was the most suitable candidate available.

He still churns out space-filling "why-oh-why" nonsense for the Telegraph unto this very day, claiming that his £250,000 salary from the paper is "chicken feed" (it's ten times the UK's average wage).

During this period, Johnson got another women (Helen Macintyre) up the spout, and this time she went through with the pregnancy, giving birth to a Borislet whose identity is currently under legal protection. BJ's wife stood by him again, as Tory wives tend to do.

In 2008, he (God help us all) got elected Mayor of London and then again for a second term, a position he still occupies at this moment. He has been involved in, or directly the cause of, many many scandals, the most lulzworthy of which was claiming £99.50 in expenses for a return journey by taxi between City Hall and Elephant and Castle – a trip of approximately five kilometres. Somehow London hasn't yet collapsed into its own sewer system, but that's no thanks to him.

The quotable Johnson

"Man of integrity, Mayor of a multicultural metropolis"

	“	If gay marriage was OK – and I was uncertain on the issue – then I saw no reason in principle why a union should not be consecrated between three men, as well as two men; or indeed three men and a dog.	„
	—Johnson, 2001 (he later completely changed his position)

	“	What is going on in these mosques and madrasas? When is someone going to get 18th century on Islam's mediaeval arse?	„
	—Johnson, 2007 (he later completely changed his position)

	“	[St Patrick's Day celebrations are] Lefty crap	„
	—Johnson, 2014 (he later completely changed his position)

"Future Prime Minister"

It is surely a sign of the profound moral, spiritual and political bankruptcy of the modern Tory party that an individual such as Boris Johnson can be seriously and openly spoken of as a future leader and Prime Minister. To many this seems about as likely as Ronald Reagan becoming US president, i.e., the sort of thing you only read about in sci-fi "alt-history" books, but stranger things have happened.

The resistible rise

In August 2014, having previously denied on 11 occasions since 2010 that he would stand as a Tory MP in the 2015 General Election, Johnson announced that he would be seeking election as a Tory MP in the 2015 General Election. The scheming shitsack claimed that he had no ambition to become Tory leader, lying through his fucking teeth that David Cuntmoron was doing a "brilliant" job.

Knowing that Johnson was lying through his fucking teeth as usual, Ladbrokes (Britain's major bookie) immediately slashed the odds on Johnson becoming Tory leader.

If elected, Johnson would serve one full year as both an MP and Mayor of London, thus allowing him to inflict DOUBLE DAMAGE POINTS on Britain's domestic politics and international standing simultaneously.

See also

• Drugs
• David Cameron
• Samantha Cameron
• George Osborne
• London

Outside world stuff

• BoJo's mayoral webpage
• His Twatter account
• Video of him falling in a river

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