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Porsche Girl
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please click here and slowly scroll down to the bottom of the page. |
Nicole "Nikki" Catsouras (a.k.a. Porsche Girl, Nearly Headless Nikki and The Headless Porschewoman of Lake Forest California) was an 18-year-old whore who proved, yet again, that women can't drive. On Halloween 2006, Nikki decided to steal her father's $150,000 Porsche 911 and take it for a drive; she was later found deader than fuck with traces of cocaine in her system. According to her mother, Nikki had an inoperable brain tumor that caused her to have a severe psychotic reaction to the drug, resulting in her hitting another car and subsequently barrel rolling into a concrete tollbooth at approximately 100 mph. In typical emo "no one understands me" drama, she became one with a toll booth on highway 241, her head smashed to bits. Concerned internet citizens rushed to inform the family.
Legends say that Nikki's restless spirit still travels the roads of California in the form of a modern Dullahan driving a ghostly Phantom Porsche and often asks toll booth attendants if they'd be willing to give her head and/or cocaine.
Nikki Lives!!
—Christos Catsouras, BAWWWWW | ||
However, two California Highway Patrol investigators, Aaron Reich and Thomas O'Donnell, leaked the photos which naturally were posted to the internet. O'Donnell claimed that he only emailed the photos to himself for viewing at a later time, while Reich admitted to sending the photos to four people. "Internet hackers," quite possibly under the influence of steroids, immediately started sending the pictures to as many of Nikki's friends and relatives as possible. Some of these messages even arrived during her funeral.
Nikki's parents have blown $3,000 on hiring Reputation Defender in a successful attempt to waste $3,000. However, they are to date unsuccessful in their attempt to remove all copies of the fappable pics of their daughter from the internets. Don't they know that if it's on the internet, it never goes away? Dumbasses.
On May 14, 2009, in an attempt to milk even moar money out of the Catsourasses, Reputation Defender set up a web site called "A Tribute To Nikki Catsouras", that asked people to report all instances of the post-crash pics of Nikki, and requests that any one who has a web site with the images to "Please Remove These Photos From Your Web Site." No word on how many ED admins passed out laughing at said request. As of February, 2012, Reputation Defender redirected the Nikki Catsouras "tribute" to their own website.
Some admins were, however, willing to consider it, in exchange for pix of Catsouras daughter tits (which is very fair by internet standards). Their offers were refused.
— Richard C. Mongler, supportnikki.org Guestbook |
GTFO N00bs
According to multiple news sources, the Catsourasses (or at least those who still have faces) no longer use the internet. Nikki's parents have pulled their living daughter from school because they fear other students might confront her with the pictures. Anonymous has taken their actions as a challenge, and plans to erect a billboard bearing the images outside the girl's bedroom window.
There is also a campaign to start geocaching at her burial site, located in Pacific View Memorial Park, Corona Del Mar, CA.
KA-CHING!
Shocked and Appalled, Nikki's parents concluded that a good lolsuit would put an end to the harassment. They filed a lolsuit against the state for "emotional and punitive damages"; discounting the cost of the written-off Porsche, a replacement Porsche, and the overall cost of raising their daughter, that comes to about $19 million in profit. The lolsuit is currently pending dismissed. appealed. remanded settled for $2.37 million dollars.
Standard White Knightery
—A white knight defending a dead girl he wants to fuck | ||
Moral of teh story
Concrete > Car
Drug > Booze
Dead Daughter = $$$
Our anon friends have conjured a magical formula to... produce heroine!
Cocaine + Driving = Heroine
Booze + Driving = Also Hero
So if you don't want to be ze Hero, don't do drugs kids! You cannot get vaginas if you are deader than fuck!
Legal Disclaimer: Meme status and cash is not guaranteed upon death.
Gallery
Before
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Graduating from driver's ed -
Oh nooes my head is going to hit this wall -
Nikki's Jew family.
After
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The aftermath of a barrel roll.
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How do I crashed Porsche?
Answer: Hopped up on coke -
Nicole, You must join paul walker! Drive into that toll booth. -
I just took an ounce of cocaine, dare me to drive? -
You can clearly see the tumor here -
Lucky officer given the honor of picking Nikki's skull out of the pavement. -
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The person she hit before quitting irl -
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If /b/tards had had their way, the memorial would have looked something like this.
See also
External Links
- Nikki Catsouras on TOW
- The Catsouras' BAWWWW to Forbes about having to spend $3,000 on Reputation Defender
- Obituary
- Case stemming from leak of grisly crash photos moves ahead
- Nikki Catsouras at Find a Grave
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Porsche Girl is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
| Porsche Girl is part of a series on Dying Alone
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| Featured article January 23 & 24, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by The Great ED Civil War of 2018 |
Porsche Girl | Succeeded by Chelsea Manning |