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United Kingdom

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Typical Briton.
The Fag and Faggette of the UK.
File:1070802990085.jpg
You're doing it wrong.

The Country formerly known as the United Kingdom, also known by its full name, The Country formerly known as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and better known as the Divided Kingdom of Fail Crapton and Northern Terroristville, the Democratic Socialist Peoples Republic of Britistan and the United Kuntdom (UK), is a small turd floating in the seas off the coast of Europe. The natives are universally loathed for their rotten teeth and terrible smell, even by other Europeans. National pastimes include wearing women's clothing, eating terrible food, bitching about the French and venting suppressed military penis-envy towards the United States, Russia and China.


National dress consists of bowler hats and smoking jackets which are worn even while bathing and swimming. Despite their history of epic military fails and lack of personal hygiene, they still believe that they are the greatest people on the fucking planet.

Political opinion and culture in the UK, regardless of whether they are on the left-wing or right-wing, is best known for it's love of banning everything and anything and generally thinking that they can regulate and prohibit their way to utopia. This thinking has now reached a point where if you find yourself in the UK and you are wondering about the legality of an action, it's best just to assume that it's illegal. There is nothing that you can do legally in the UK that you can't do anywhere else, this combined with the fact that the country has no written constitution or constitutionally enshrined Bill of Rights, makes the UK one of the best examples of "soft core fascism" in the western world.

Notable Areas

The United Kingdom is divided into a number of smaller country-ettes, each of which is in its own little world. The imaginary distinctions between each pseudo-nation are painfully important to their denizens, mostly because it gives them something to preen about.

British Culture

How British people talk.

Cuisine

British food (with a few exceptions) is notoriously bad. A majority of the food in the UK is tasteless, yet still full of calories. This is generally because the majority of British folks (like the rest of Europe) would rather spend their time getting shitfaced drunk every day than to be bothered to prepare meals. Besides, most British women can not cook anything other than crumpets or bacon and eggs, simply because food they try to make instantly violates 46 of the 9001 health codes in the UK.

It's unknown however whether the food they eat is a cause or effect of their notoriously bad teeth. Some argue a dreadful diet leads to tooth decay, while others claim that British dishes were invented solely to be eaten by people who obviously don't give a shit about what effect it may have on their mouths.

The Effect on Teeth

Genuine British Teeth

The most efficient way to identify a Brit living in America or anywhere else in the world is to check his or her teeth. This form of identification only works outside the state of Kentucky. The absolute god-awfulness of their teeth is one of the few faults that the British will actually admit to. However, as with all things British, they manage to turn this into yet another thing to preen about. Brits do this by endlessly bitching that Americans care too much about teeth.

The lack of dental hygiene of the typical UK citizen should not be dismissed as nit-picking just because, when compared to the rest of the world, they don't seem so bad. Britain, after all, as a First World country and a major player on the world stage should command a modicum of respect.

However, it should be noted that, unlike in America, dental care is free to people aged under 18; therefore, they have no real excuse. Oldfags must pay £16.50 for an examination and over £9,000 for actual treatment. The money raised by the dentists is invested in the candy industry.

As Tourists

Google is still accurate

When some moron decided to build the "Chunnel" (a tunnel under the Channel that linked the UK with France) in 1994, all hell broke loose as the "Chunnel"'s sole purpose has proven to be allowing Britain's hordes of perpetually drunk, violent soccer hooligans out of their cages to swarm onto the continent and wreak havoc. Granted, seeing as how this inconvenienced only the French, nobody else really gave a shit. Much as they deny it, Brits are all mutts full of French, German, Italian and Norse blood, which, considering the volatility of those races, probably explains why Brits are so all unpleasant.

Climate

Rain. But not for much longer. Thanks to global warming, when the gulf stream shuts down England will be treated to a climate more appropriate to its latitude, which is the same as that of Moscow.

British Lifestyle

GTA Britain would look something like this

Your typical British wankball will rise nice and early to pour a a gallon of tea down their ugly throats, and stuff some greasy breakfast into their mouth-holes, skipping brushing their teeth and a shower afterward, before eventually sitting down to glare at the rickety old movin' picture light box for a few hours before work. Typical morning programming will be the day's weather report of rain with a chance of terrorism, then to hear the countries national withered old couple Richard & Judy quickly whisk over some horrific international disaster, before moving onto something more light and entertaining, like an old lady in Dorchester who's renting out her vagina as a bed & breakfast or some shit.



Richard & Judy morning borefest dubbed over for teh lulz


Your usual British citizen will then proceed to get up of his fat arse and walk out into the cold dreary rain, battling the weather and sand niggers shouting about how they will kill everyone, to walk into a dull and depressive office building or factory. These gormless bum-pickers will then stare into space for a while, watching the British empire's already crumbled husk sink further into the ground right before their witless eyes. When their break comes, they will gather round to speak ill about other countries, including the British ones. The English will bitch about Scotland and Wales, the Scottish will spout some shit about how they'll become independent, the Welsh will struggle to blink and talk at the same time, and the North Irish will run quickly from the daily pipe bomb that was just thrown through the window. The women of the country will stay at home being ugly. Other activities include squawking to their equally unattractive next door neighbor, both looking like melting wax sculptures of Cilla Black as they gossip about how the man across the road is probably a paedophile, or smacking their tiny chav spawn who run around in the streets flashing their bums and flinging rocks at passers by.

Britons will spend their free time drinking themselves to an early grave. Once work is over, thousands of them from lower to upper class all flock like an avalanche of hobos to their nearest drinking hole. Activities in these places will usually involve chatter about the last football game and loud insipid conversations about bloody immigrants before they all glass each other into unconsciousness. The upper class isn’t any different, perusing piss stained nightclubs and bars, pouring ridiculously expensive booze into their mouths and shoving even more expensive weak coke up their nostrils. In the middle of drinking they will make their way to the Lou that consists of a trough, a sink, a toilet that hasn't been cleaned in months, and three urinals at which men will hock loogies (gob as they say) and spit it on the floor or the wall in front of them. They'll return to their festivities, after not washing their hands of course. All this in an effort to make the make-up caked British sluts that totter around the streets just vaguely fuckable. Then everyone wakes up with a hangover to another dreary morning and the cycle starts again. God save the queen.

Crime

The British police (Yes, they are this gay)
A law abiding Briton (Yes, they are this stupid)
BANNED IN BRITAIN

Crime is the UK's second national sport (the first being Football), and this second sport is becoming ever more popular as, at the urging of legions of elderly, white haired, Tory-voting old women who hate everything and anything that might resemble fun, Big Brother is banning everything. (Yes, they are this stupid).

People and things banned and forbidden in Britain include:

Law abiding citizens are left to be escorted while going to the market. This brings great lulz to Amerifags as they are all armed to the teeth, and help each other out more often than those dirty niggers kill each other.

The People

What happens when British people get together
Elizabeth II, by Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith
The average British citizen; smoking a pipe and being faggy.

UKunts are the inhabitants of the UK and are basically Europeans minus the class and culture. Besides UKunts, other terms of endearment to describe the British are Brits and Limeys (if you're from America or Canada), Pommies and Pommy Bastards (if you are from Australia or New Zealand), Island Apes/Monkeys (if you are from Germany) and Goras (if you're from South Asia). Other words to call the British are Micks, Paddies, Scots, and Neanderthals.

Like USA being infested with niggers, Britain is also being infested with sand niggers. The first and most notable trait of the is their sense of elitism and entitlement - a leftover from an era when Britain ruled most of the world. Sadly, most of the British people, having lost their power, have not yet lost the feeling that they are better than everyone else. They also get wet dreams from this. Most Britfags had their penis chopped off by their mother for getting their sister pregnant.

Despite the fact that Britfags think of the opposite they are actually much inferior in any way possible than other Zooropeans due to continuous race-mixing with subhumans and other genetic factors and culture.

A Short List of European nations superior to Britain

Obesity

UKunts are also famous for being extremely fat. The UK ranks at number ten on the worlds fattest country countdown, likely due to lack of exercise and high levels of crumpet eating. This is ironic, seeing as how the typical UK stereotype is that Americans are fat (not that many of them aren't, around 66% of Americans are obese).

Ego

The UK holds, without a doubt, the most annoying people on the planet. Everyone, from the 3-year-old to the ancient grandma talks in the worst accent known to man. Combining their terrible accent with how frequently they talk, they get the award. Most British, Irish, and Scottish accents sounds a high-pitched queef from a vagina that has been filled with cement combined with a retarded walrus with herpes in its mouth.

They have a syndrome, reinforced through education, parents and their fellow scumbag peers of being the best in the world because of a now long gone empire. They have not quite grasped the fact that all empires rise and fall, this false sense of importance constantly contributing to their image of being the laughing stock of the rest of Europe.

Primitivity has to be considered. The UK is a slowly decaying country losing every possible form of human value. Their youth crime is one of the highest in Europe, and a charming night out will undoubtedly end up with a slap to the face and your phone stolen. Flocks of drunken slags drift through the cold nights, clutching their high heels with one hand and straddling a cigarette with the other as they babble incoherently at passers-by.

Hypocrisy is an everyday part of life within British people. In the UK people have been brought up being told to not express their feelings and to be reserved. This hypocrisy often leads them to make jokes towards other individuals about what they really think of them; such hypocritical jokes being justified by the the word 'banter'. British people find it very difficult to ever say to someone's face what they think of them, with their tiny little minds finding it difficult to comprehend actual empathy, they resort to this "banter" instead.

   
“ 		 
Haha yeah man, why are you, like, so fuckin' UGLY mate, haha yeah. Prat.
  		„
  		 

— Decent banter

British are greedy shopkeepers who want Arabs to spend Jewgold buying their crap. But at the same time, they are too racist to tolerate Arabs walking/driving on their streets. Srsly they are grumpy about it and made this grumpumentary. They prefer the rich Arabs send in the Jewgold via mail order, rather than showing up in person. They believe they are being colonized.

Srsly tho, the vid above does show that Brits can be some of the greatest IRL trolls and provide lots of lulz.

Chavs

Moar info: Chav.

Chavs are basically the white version of niggers, living off the state and smoking enough pot to turn your skin fluorescent. Instead of getting their pasty white asses a job or paying for their own home they would rather bitch about how hard their life is, try to rap, and spawn more children than Your Mom, who will then live the exact same life as their parents with enthusiasm that makes Jesus cry. Such individuals are nonexistent in the rest of Europe, and these subhumans result in the English having a "hate syndrome" with one another, and no moral or dignified background.

As seen in the above image, British women are the epitome of class.

Things The British Hate

  1. Practicing dental hygiene.
  2. The French.
  3. Taking away the gallons of tea they drink everyday.
  4. The USA.
  5. David Cameron.
  6. Eating good food.
  7. Sean Penn.
  8. The Germans.
  9. Tipping.
  10. Piers Morgan.
  11. Cops.
  12. The 4th of July.
  13. Saying something negative about the Royals.
  14. Children.
  15. Rednecks.
  16. Tony Blair.
  17. Self-defense.
  18. Brussels.
  19. American football.
  20. The Scottish (which is part of the UK).
  21. Abu Hamza.
  22. The Irish.
  23. Old people.
  24. Halloween.
  25. The EU.
  26. Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr.
  27. Guns.
  28. The Chinese
  29. George Dubbya.
  30. Toothbrushes.
  31. Toothpaste.
  32. The Scottish
  33. Mouthwash.
  34. The Aussies.
  35. Gordon Brown.
  36. Keeping sober.
  37. The Canadians.
  38. Warm and sunny tropical weather.
  39. Hershey's Chocolate.
  40. India.
  41. You.

Famous Britfags

History

The Union flag
The Union flag according to /k/

Early History

Since earliest recorded history, the evil ginger Barbarian tribes inhabiting the Kingdoms of Scotland, Ireland, and the Principality of Wales have been creating havoc as a way to gang up against one another.

Following the "Scottish Enlightenment" and Industrial Revolution, Scotland became the world's dominant industrial and maritime power, playing a leading role in developing parliamentary demockery and in advancing literature and science. As hard as this is to believe if you've ever met a shit eating Ned (as they prefer to be called), it may be explained when you consider that, like the Jew, the Scots are all skinflints when it comes to money.

Until recently, the Channel had kept all enemy invasions at bay despite frequent 'pop-ins' from such diverse party crashers as the:

However, most found the British food--and obligatory lukewarm beer--and weather to be so atrocious and the people so thoroughly obnoxious that they would GTFO asap, leaving behind their cultural trappings, which the Brits then fashioned into a culture of their own.

The British Empire

Which one of these crusty perverts is getting a blowjob from Madeleine McCann right now? SMS the number to 09011 32 22 to WIN! (*UK Residents only. Some conditions apply).
   
“ 		 
"The sun never sets on the British Empire."
  		„
  		 

—On 27 December 2008, the sun set on the British Empire at precisely 15:58.

   
“ 		 
"...because God doesn't trust us in the dark."
  		„
  		 

After losing to some closeted Frenchmen in the Battle of 1066 and getting their asses taken over by the perfumed fops of a foreign royal court, the British decided that it would be more fun if they were the ones doling out the faggotry, instead of receiving it. Thus did the British will to empire. There is no doubt this was the greatest period in British history and a victory for white people which would not end until the abolition of slavery.

At its peak, the British Empire covered over one-fourth of the earth's surface and nearly one third of its population. Under Queen Victoria, the British Army and Navy went forth to go where no man had gone before and kindly teach the filthy, godless natives--from the black person of Africa to the ripe smelling box-wallahs of India to rickshaw pulling chinks of China--the wonders of civilization and the word of God using some good opium (and a lot of guns failing that). While they were at it, they trolled the fuck out of each nation they favored by making them convert to the British way. This included insisting that everyone drive on the wrong side of the road, speak the Queen's English and wear suitable attire. They also installed bureaucracies in every government and private institutions that would provide enough red tape to ensure that the natives would never get restless, since they'd be preoccupied trying to throttle Gupta for having them fill out a form in triplicate to get a fucking train ticket.

This sort of man is why Britain is better than America.
Winston Churchill showing his contempt for the British people.

Because the British have a long history of conquering helpless brown people in Third World shitholes, they have developed delusions of grandeur and believe that their empire was greater than it really was. It is a known fact that Britain's performance drops slightly when their opponents are other White people, apart from numerous British victories, which are nothing short of ownage.

Because of Britain's activities in sending degenerate Irishmen to their colonies to fuck like beasts and outnumber the local population, resentment has been simmering against Britain around the world for some time. In particular, people in Africa seem upset about some stupid shit that nobody really understands and some unpronounceable African dumbfuck word called apartheid, including the grandfather of the President of the United States. Some argue that Obama, in classic black person tradition, will send his homies to pop a cap in the UK's collective ass as retribution for what it did to the father of the father that abandoned him as a baby, but this is mostly speculation.

Decline

Of course all win eventually turns into fail and the British Empire swiftly went downhill. The United Kingdom is no longer considered an international superpower and the United Kingdom now spends its time split between trying to get chavs neutered and sending its youth to rape and pillage the Middle East at the request of its American cohorts because they fuck up without them around. Britons particularly despise the Israelis for their part in introducing their former King to Jew.

Ironically the UK is now trying to keep another evil empire from taking over and ruining its ass. It's clear that the Germans, French and Dutch are just seriously jealous of the ex-prestige of this country.

British Time

Britfag culture.
A factual account of how the British tell the time.
A rough guide to British time for any Americans.

Foreigners visiting Britain for the first time may notice that British people never seem to be wearing watches. Similarly, clocks are absent. This can prove disconcerting, until one realizes that clocks are, in fact, extinct in Britain and have been since the days of Queen Victoria, when they where hunted to extinction by steampunks who plundered their innards to decorate their ugly clothes and fashion accessories with.

The only survivor of this nationwide chronocaust is the huge clockface of the belltower of the Houses of Parliament in Londonistan, affectionately known as Big Ben. It is thought that Big Ben was spared, not only due to it being too high for most to reach, but also because the immense size of its component parts made them unsuitable and impractical to attach to clothing, even for the most ostentatious of steampunks.

Because of this, Big Ben fills a vital function in British life as it is their only way of knowing exactly what time it is. On the hour, whenever Big Ben chimes, an awed hush descends on the nation as every single Britfag stops whatever they are doing and listens intently, counting off the chimes on their fingers, before cheerfully and loudly announcing, for example, "OI, IT'S 7 BONG!" for the benefit of those who might not be aware of what time it is.

Big Ben is to be destroyed by terrorists in the year 2020, as fortold in Alan Moore's graphic novel movie, V for Vendetta, plunging the nation into anarchy and confusion as to what time EastEnders is on tonight. In a desperate attempt to head off the fated catastrophe, David Cameron has devised a last-ditch plan to filter all internet pr0n through BAE Detica blackboxes. Every fictional character portrayed in Britain will be interviewed to determine whether the sex she was having was consensual or not. Since when you think of it, sex is an adjunct to marriage, and marriage is a patriarchal institution, and therefore women are actually being coerced by a brutal economic system, any careful viewer should understand it is not. When every last man in Britain is put behind bars for three years, they cannot appear in Guy Fawkes masks and overthrow the government. Hmmm, unless the protesters in the movie were actually women? I never thot of that...

How to Troll a British person

Say something nice about Tony Blair.


  • Call them the niggers of Europe. You wouldn't be wrong in doing so because thats exactly who the British act like on holiday. They somehow can't keep their genitals in their pants or off their male friends proof: http://lolbritishpeople.tumblr.com/
  • Ask them why they hate immigrants so much. Tell them that the immigrants coming in can only better the already extremely inbred British genepool and in the end possibly produce good looking British people for once.
  • Make jokes and stereotypes about the British which have not been used since the 19th century (see the English article for tips).
  • Make jokes about the Royal Family.
  • Bonus points if you constantly shout "BLIMEY!", "I SAY!" and "OH I DO BELIEVE I FANCY SOME SCONES!". This will cause the Brit to shit rage bricks. Watch out for his scalding hot tea.
  • Mention anything positive about the French.
  • "Praise the Irish. Long live the IRA!"
  • Tell them how you're American and how much more awesome Amerikkka is than Britain. You'll likely receive replies such as:
  • BOLLOCKS, I 'ATE THE BLOODY YANKS!
  • BLIMEY! WE 'AVE A YANK IN THE GAME!
  • GTFO YOU BLOODY YANK!
  • FUCK YOU YOU FAT FUCKING TWAT!

just know it will always have "yank" in it. Damn red coats

  • Brits have got the monarchy, the US has the money, but I know that you wanna be Canadian!
  • English people hate foreigners, foreign languages and Americans, so trolling couldn't be easier! You don't even need to be able to speak a language, provided you speak fast enough in whatever gobbly-garbage you're speaking, just play your role well enough and all the English people will do is just yell louder (because speaking slower and louder makes every language better).

-*Bonus points are awarded if you play a foreign hooker in Thailand or Amsterdam, so that your mark yells 'HOW MUCH FOR SEX?'

  • If the word yank is used, respond along the lines of "Oh my, I haven't had anyone toss me off in awhile. Would you like to exchange twitter info and meet up IRL?" Most Britfags are homophobic and turning their gay little insult, into what it really is, will cause their puny minds to implode and the rage to flow.
  • Let them know that even though the sun never sets on the British Empire, the lights in their cars don't work, thanks to Lucas Electric.
  • Point out that two-thirds of the world's English-speakers are American, English-language culture is now dominated by Americans, and that the English identity barely exists anymore, having been mostly usurped and improved by Americans.
  • Tell them how much the movie The Patriot is the greatest and most accurate war film evar.
  • Explain to them that the Americans "save" them in every war and that they beg for our help.

Why The British Suck

  • They don't practice proper dental hygiene.
  • They smell funny.
  • It rains too much in the UK.
  • They always whine about France.
  • They still have an outdated, insignificant monarchy that doesn't give a shit about how their country is run as they suck their taxes dry.
  • They drink too much.
  • They're the leftover, butthurt descendants of people who saw the fall of their long gone, once-glorious and power empire.
  • They're the fattest people in Europe.
  • They let a bunch of niggers, sandniggers and chinks flood their country.
  • They're ugly and look inbred.
  • They coax and pamper their killers, drug dealers and rapists while sending them off to holiday camps for 2-5 years or so.
  • They bitch constantly about how violently gun-loving America is even though they have the highest murder rate in Europe with repeated daily stabbings, muggings and gang-rapes.
  • They have Piers Morgan.
  • They talk in all sorts of annoying accents that rapes the ears.
  • They're still butthurt because they lost the American Revolutionary War.
  • They created Harry Potter.
  • Most of them are stuck-up cunts.
  • They violently fight and kill each other over football.
  • They complain about Americunts being arrogant and thinking that they're the best people in the world, even though they act they same way themselves.
  • Their politicians are spineless pussies.
  • Their police are also spineless pussies.
  • Most of them have inflated, fragile egos.
  • They produced Simon Cowell.
  • They have disgusting food which is considered the worst in the world.
  • They produced Gordon Ramsay.
  • They produced One Direction
  • They spend endless days confined in their bedrooms posting bullshit, trolling comments on their shitty, British-run tabloid websites like the Guardian and the Daily Mail.
  • They made Amy Winehouse.

External Links

 
“ 		 
England is a nation of overweight, binge-drinking reality TV addicts
  		„
 

—Rough Guide to England, 8th Edition – published in over 200 countries

See also

Typical Briton's reaction to this page.
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See Also For drama in your neck of the world, please consult the Encyclopdedia Dramatica Lulz Map. Also see: ED:Map
United Kingdom
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