Austria
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Austria is a former superpower, immediately south of Bavaria, later Third Reich jurisdiction and current home to cute kangaroos. The latter fact is often negated by Austrian kangaroo-denialists, due to widespread kangaroo-hatred in the population (Look at this, asstards!). Austria is often confused for Australia by the educationally challenged classes, also known as "retards", or "Wikipedia editors". In contrast to Australia, Austria is most notable for her long (national-) socialist tradition, arms industry, vibrant Nazi culture and community, as well as her internationally acclaimed pedophiles.
Notable Austrian politicians in a nutshell
| name | occupation | died | an hero | international pariah | jew-hater | Gaddafi-lover | kangaroo-denialist | Famous for... |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Gaius Baebius Atticus | Roman Governor of Noricum | 54 | no | no | yes | n.a. | no | Being historically irrelevant. |
| Charlemagne | Holy Roman Emperor | 814 | no | yes | sort of | n.a. | no | Being history's most famous Romaboo. |
| Francis II | Holy Roman Emperor | 1835 | no | no | yes | n.a. | no | Getting Napoleon'd. |
| Franz Joseph I | Emperor of Austria and King of Hungary | 1916 | no | yes | yes | n.a. | no | Not being as famous as his nephew, Franz Ferdinand. |
| Karl I | Emperor of Austria and King of Hungary | 1922 | no | yes | probably | n.a. | no | Losing the war and the empire. |
| Adolf Hitler | Fuhrer | 1945 | yes | yes | arguably | n.a. | no | Lovely architectural art and getting 6 million kills. (disputed) |
| Bruno Kreisky | chancellor | 1990 | no | no | yes | yes | no | Being a geriatric commie faggot |
| Kurt Waldheim | president | 2007 | no | yes | yes | yes | no | Hawt Gaddafi makeout seshes |
| Jörg Haider | governor | 2008 | sort of | yes | yes | yes | no | Having terrible driving skills and possibly being gay. |
(Listed in the order of their demise; the most famous Austrian politician Arnold Schwarzenegger does not belong in the list above, because he is neither an open anti-semite nor dead yet.)
Austrian pedophiles who made frontpage news across the globe
- Dr Sigmund Freud, who discovered infantile sexuality and wrote all sorts of papers on the subject he investigated empirically, including monographs on the remarkable wins of blow.
- Josef Fritzl, who personally begot and bred a harem of incest lolis in the secret basement of his home. For extra lulz and to the delight of the public at large, he cremated one of his offspring in a tailormade oven.
- Wolfgang Priklopil, who captured a then 10-year old and now famous chick named Natascha Kampusch in 1998 and entertained a sexual relationship with her until 2006, when she became legal. Despite being taken to expensive skiing outings and all sorts of social events by her mentor, Natascha Kampusch claimed that she had been raeped and held in captivity for eight years (the so-called "Nuremberg defense", see below.) Austria's corners of the mouth went south when Priklopil died an hero before reporters could interview him on Natascha's sexual performance. When she refused to talk about the more spicy aspects of her ordeal slowly and in detail on national television, the infuriated Austrian masses wanted their outrage back.
History of Austria
In terms of drama and lulz, Austria is a gusher -- even more so if you consider its smallish population of a mere 8 million. Here are a handful of over 9000 historical hysterical lulz.
Antiquity: Nobody actually cares about this
In the time of Caesar's... Rather distant nephew, Claudius, the country now known as Austria was the Roman province of Norcium, which, in Latin, means "Store Brand Germany." The Romans were very profound. This province wasn't as cool as Gaul or Germania, so nothing of note happened here. There were some invasions by the Goths, some invasions by the Slavs, The Roman Empire gets the banhammer, and a few German kings set up some march duchies. Really, nothing interesting happened in Austria during Antiquity OR the early middle ages, and I'm just stalling for long enough to get to:
The Holy Roman Empire: Trolling the Byzantines, Italy, and Voltaire.
This is the one everyone cares about.
So, around the 8th century or so, a real fucking big shot named Charlemagne, who was a German despite having a French name, and was basically medieval Napoleon, conquered a good part of Southern Germany and Austria, and managed to finagle the Pope at the time into crowning him Emperor of the Romans. For the uninitiated, this is a big fucking deal. The Romans basically did to Europe what America did to Japan at the end of WW2, and that gave every single European noble a massive masochism-induced hard-on for Rome. Everyone wanted to be like Rome, and this coronation essentially made Charlemagne King Shit #1 of Europe, and lo, Austria's peak - the Holy Roman Empire, was formed.
The Empire would come to dominate European affairs for over 1000 years. They went on Crusades, expanded eastward, incorporated a shitload of duchies, principalities, baronies, free cities, what have you, and was about as poorly managed as a country ran by EDiots. The Empire was almost impossible to administrate, being essentially about a hundred or so countries in a trenchcoat, and getting the mob of princes, barons, dukes, ect, who comprised the empire's government to agree on anything was impossible. The office of Emperor was also about as glorious as the position of head sysop, in that you would essentially be the head tard wrangler. Compounding the issue was that the Emperor was Elected by a body of Elector-Princes, so this would lead to the would-be Emperor needing to win the election by the time and true method of bribery, fraud, and the issue of favours. This then weakened the office even further as the bribes would need to be paid and you now owed your elector princes significant favours.
In the end, The Holy Roman Empire became this very weird pseudo-German abomination that was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. Quota fulfilled. Of course, the empire still stood and took on all challengers for a thousand years, so things couldn't be all that bad, right?
Enter, everyone's favourite Corsican, Napoleon. The Emperor was busy riding high off the French Revolution and fucking continental Europe in the ass. As we all know, there was room for only one Emperor in Europe, and that had the current Holy Roman Emperor, Francis II, sweating a bit. But, was he in any real danger? After all, he had an army, and Russia was backing him up. All he had to do was stop Napoleon's Grand Armee at a small town called Austerlitz. How hard could it be?
Short answer: He got pwned so hard that the Holy Roman Empire got broken apart into a thousand little Germanic states, pulling the curtains on Austria's relevance as a great power.
Early-Mid 19th century: BFF's with Hungary <3
So, they'd lost the Empire, but Napoleon ended up enjoying a freezing Russian winter, getting Waterloo'd, and dying of ass cancer, and the Congress of Vienna basically did a mulligan on everything he accomplished. That meant that there was another opportunity to re-establish Austria as a great power once more, and have it stick this time.
Enter, the house of Hapsburg-Lorraine. They were the Imperial Dynasty of the HRE when it got Napoleon'd, and were determined to rebuild. They started incorporating a bunch more territories into Austria, fought the Italians and failed to prevent them from unifying, fought Prussia and failed to prevent Bismarck from unifying Germany, survived the 1848 revolution with the dynasty intact, incorporated a fuckton of ethnic minorities, because that always ends well, militarized, industrialized, and created a dual monarchy with Hungary, so the ruler was the Emperor of Austria and the King of Hungary, and all was well.
Not really. The house of Hapsburg-Lorraine learned... Nothing from the earlier problems with the Holy Roman Empire, and once again Austria was a fragmented, dissolute shitshow of a nation, and a nightmare to administer, with ethnic violence every other weekend, government inefficiencies, and general backwardness. At the very least, Austria was... Mostly stable, and steadily gaining power and prestige, and even managing to patch up their relationship with now-unified and Imperial Germany. Unfortunately, since this is Austria, good things can't last, which we'll get into later. First...
Late 19th century: Sigmund Freud crackpottery
Austrian Steampunk neurologist Sigmund Freud was chronically donning his trollface and infuriating the uptight medical establishment and bourgeoisie alike
- with open cocaine abuse
- by recommending prostitutes for healing sex-related chips on the shoulder
- by advocating creative use of "Apollo" candlesticks by elderly widows
- by writing prescriptions for "big, hard cock" for females diagnosed as neurotic troublemakers
- by making the interpretation of dreams a science
- by declaring infantile sexual urges the center and commanding heights of the human psyche (lol, what a kook!)
All attempts to silence Freud by smearing him as an anti-semite backfired for two reasons:
- in late 19th century, everyone was, all the time
- Freud was openly Jewish himself
The straw that broke the camel's back was Freud's advocacy of medical cocaine for eye surgery. In 1938, decades after the peak of his lulz, Dr. Freud's stupid books were finally prohibited and burned in all of Austria. He and his family were b& from the country for "compulsive trolling" and had to emigrate to the U.S., where Freud was welcomed with open arms by the nascent swinger/wicca/emo movements. Freud built a new career on teaching other jews how to scam money and copulations from rich female marks with "psychoanalysis".
1914: The Gavrilo Princip ambush, and the Empire falls... Again.
(For main article, see: World War I)
A 19-year old Serbian lad named Gavrilo Princip was a bit mad at the world. He liked his country and didn't like how Austria was running it and preventing Serbian Unification, so, he did the level-headed thing and shot dead the Emperor's nephew, Archduke Franz-Ferdinand, while His Grace was parading a brand-new luxury limousine in front of a wide-eyed audience of peasants. Like in all quality trolling, a little effort quickly escalated to an epic shitstorm when Austria then invaded Serbia. Like the mighty banhammer coming down onto our heroes, Russia attacked Austria in response. Then Germany attacked Russia, and then it snowballed from there. Needless to say, it was an absolute shitshow.
The military situation was arguably worse for Germany, but Austria also ran into a patch of terrible luck when Italy, who was supposed to be Austria and Germany's ally, decided to join the Allies instead. This turned what would have been a fairly simple fight against Russia, who, while not quite the Sick man of Europe, was certainly the drunk man of Europe, and about as militarily incompetent as they are today. The war remained deadlocked for 3 years, with both the Russkies and the Wops throwing waves and waves of their own men at the Austrians as the domestic situation deteriorated, with food shortages, moar ethnic violence, and rapid inflation absolutely fucking the economy.
Still, by 1917, things were looking up for Austria. Russia had collapsed into Civil war, Italy had failed to take the same river 12 times and was running out of men, the French army was experiencing mass mutinies that relieved pressure on Germany, and Turkey had joined in the fight with the Central powers. It was looking like Austria might be able to squeeze out a victory and decisively retake their place as a European great power!... Then America joined the war on the Allied side, and all their hopes and dreams were set on fire.
In 1918, the Austrians lost badly to the Italians (440,000 men taken prisoner, an entire third of the army!) at Vettorio Veneto, and that was that. The empire disintegrated... Again, and the last emperor, Karl I, was forced to abdicate, thus pulling the curtain on Austria's ambitions of being a great power for good.
In the end, after four long years of war, The empire was reduced to a patch of forest in the backward, fucked-up part of Europe where gay werewolfs sodomized local retards. For this legendary act of trolling, Gavrilo was posthumously awarded the Slavic Medal of Lulz for his contributions. Bravo - bravo - bravo, Gavrilo Princip!
1939: Adolf Hitler's self-actualization
(For main article, see: Adolf Hitler)
(For another main article, see World War II)
After a failed career as a slacker dude and painter, Adolf Hitler quit dreaming his life and started living his dream. By instigating World War II, the Austrian non-smoker and vegetarian turned Europe into ashes and bloodshed and singlehandedly created the entire Stalag genre. Even seven decades later, Hitler's invention of the Holocaust is an unfailing source of drama, lulz and humor. In 1945, when faced with the show-trial by the Allied Forces, Austria put all the blame on Germany and came clear right after the death and destruction it created. The cheap ruse: simply give the deceased, helpless Adolf Hitler German citizenship posthumously. Austrian henchmen and generals repeated "we were being raeped by The Man" until the gullible Nuremberg judges acquitted Austria of all wrong-doings and war-crimes. Since then, the reliable magic of the surprise sex excuse is known as the "Nuremberg defense" to countless pregnant females. For Austria's torturers, snitches and war-trolls the Nuremberg defense even worked without bringing roofies into the picture, which had yet to be invented in 1945. The entire toil of coming to terms with a past of genocide, tyranny and complicity was left to the German post-war generation of artists and politicians, who produced all sorts of self-loathing, moralfagging, amateurish, whiny shit in the process. For what it's worth, Austria's post-war intelligentsia didn't bother with that.
1985: Kurt Waldheim's winning bid for presidency
Former Austrian UN general secretary Kurt Waldheim, and, by extension, Austria, was b& from entering the United States or any of her sockpuppet states due to Nazi issues, right before Waldheim's election as president of Austria. Unlike the Austrian electorate, the global power-elite frowned upon Waldheim's active role in the Waffen-SS and execution of jewish, retarded and homosexual criminals in the Third Reich. For unknown reasons, this past behavior deemed unquestionable when Waldheim was head of the United Nations, but not for the president of an obscure country in Central Europe. The worldwide flamewar and fingerpointing and he said/she said over whose friends ordered taxidermy of which jews for whose vestibule and how many gassed toddlers could dance on the tip of Austria's soap industry in 1943 was raging on for more than a year and made Waldheim's campaign a landslide success. However, due to the ban, Waldheim spent most of his time as Austria's elected president
- twiddling thumbs
- watching the clock
- phoning home to Elisabeth Waldheim, asking what's for dinner
- secretly fapping to Stalag comics
- periodic television addresses in which he explained to his citizens that foreign politicians and ambassadors were boring and stupid and nobody needed those losers anyway
The only diversion from that unlulzy routine were occasional visits to Libya's president, Muammar Gaddafi, or however he was spelled back then, for discussing jewish issues and negotiating arms- and oils deals.
1989: Waltraud Wagner euthanasia cabal
The Austrian nurse, "Angel of Death" and "super-slut who does not gross out of anything" Waltraud Wagner made it onto the frontpage of the New York Times with her personal brand of assisted dying. As revealed in court, she had drowned and overdosed dozens of senior citizens and recruited several female co-workers for helping her mission in the newly formed "death pavillon" at the Lainz General Hospital. During the trial, Waltraud Wagner raved about her joy of "playing god" and killing people, what did not exactly contribute to mitigating circumstances. The "super-slut" attribute turned out to be a miscommunication, based on sloppy research by investigative 'Kronenzeitung' reporters, Austria's most influential tabloid and official paper of record. The confessions of Waltraud Wagner's bukkake-buddies were extremely truthful and interesting, but misleading. Too bad for Waltraud Wagner that she shared the same name with some other Austrian nurse. And too bad that the "Kronenzeitung" never took back the false reporting. For what it's worth, nobody accused the murderess of anti-semitism.
2000: Jörg Haider EU banhammer
Austria was b& from international diplomatic relations again when Nazi-troll and standup-comedian Jörg Haider finally managed to hack the country's oligarchy democracy and made it into the Austrian federal government. The European Union's nomenklatura, being the anti-anti-semite and humourless cesspool that it had always been, was absolutely, positively, not amused by Haider's
and decreed the entire country (which technically hadn't even elected Haider) unfit for the community of nations. That pissed off even some Austrians, who went as low as exploiting Haider's homosexuality for ad hominem arguments in debates on
- Hitler's job-generating stimulus packages
- exact number of jews in penal institutions like Auschwitz
- whether Josef Mengele plagiarized his doctoral thesis
- human rights abuses by bad apples in the Third Reich's Gestapo
Most Austrians, however, applauded the banhammer, revealing pronounced isolationist (read: anti-EU) tendencies in the population. In subsequent years, Haider focused his mindshare- and community-building efforts to the Arab world, where he traded
for tanks, cannons, Glocks and Hitler PEZ dispensers with local despots. In particular, Libya's Muammar Gaddafi, or however his name was spelled in 2000, became close friends with and mentor of Haider and many an inspiration for his future rhetorics, wardrobe and make-up.
In 2011, the Mossad assassinated Haider for being a nuisance to their global schemes, by making him the victim of a single-vehicle "accident". The Jews were so confident that they would get away with it that they didn't even bother to do a proper job of making him seem like a drunk driver, since it is a scientific fact that Haider (who drank sparingly and only Spritzers at that) had apparently consumed the equivalent of a litre of 90 per cent proof vodka in less than sixty minutes, while in public and under constant watch from bar staff who saw him drink virtually nothing, and all that alcohol was found in his blood samples but absolutely no alcohol was found in his stomach. Nope, nothing to see here, move along please.
2008: Josef Fritzl incest controversy
(For main article, see: Josef Fritzl)
In 2008, a man named Josef Fritzl polarized Australia and the world with pornographic revelations involving various female family members and a secret raep dungeon with a built-in crematorium for deceased sex-slaves. Judges and reporters couldn't get enough of Fritzl's fappy confessions and sexy testimonials of his victims, while moralfags condemned Fritzl and his loev life as "unfunny", even "despicable". The evolution of Fritzl's rise to international superstardom and ensuing cat fight between his victims over movie rights is documented in a comprehensive manner in a dedicated article -- see Josef Fritzl.
Austria: Then & Now
Language
The official language of Austria is German, although most Germans deny this due to phonetic and comprehension issues. However, Black Jesus was absolutely wrong when he talked about an "Austrian language", because there is no such thing. That brother would not look misplaced over at Wikipedia with his sheer, "unbiased" idiocy:
(Someone should warn The White House Uncle Tom's Cabin that entering Austria is never safe for negroes, and that local law-enforcement is not of much help in that regard, more to the contrary.)
Culture in Austria
High-browed culture like the opera, fine arts and museums is more or less limited to Austria's capital in the east - Vienna - constituting 1.5 million of her 8 million inhabitants, but that cynical crap is almost exclusively consumed by foreign tourists. Austria's provinces outside Vienna are more agriculture-oriented, with all the joys that come with it: (illegal) tractor racing, square-dance, incest, sex with farm-animals and homebrew shit-mist how grandma made it. Typical provincial mouth-breathers only occasionally venture into "the big, scary city", because their numerous distinctive dialects are mutually incompatible and very different from both standard German and the Viennese variety of it. However, for the rustic demography, Vienna's main attractions are exactly the same as for the urban locals: gambling, hard drugs (i.e. non-jenkem) and partying, as well as extremely affordable immigrant prostitutes from Hungary, Russia and Romania.
Austrian pop-music can't do without the holocaust, of course (chorus at 2:19):
Austrian tractor hooligans dance and fap to this shit:
Austria in popular culture
- There's an old musical, involving Nazis, of course.
- and an unfunny episode of That's My Bush. It's unfunny, because there are no Nazis in it.
Notable Austrians
- Toumal, administrator of Yiffstar and all around faggot
- Falco, late rock musician
- Jörg Haider, late IRL Nazi-troll
- Josef Fritzl, 4chan superstar
- Ludwig Wittgenstein, yet another gay logician
- Gropenführer Arnie, emigrant
- Sigmund Freud, esoterics writer
- Superdoifie a.k.a. "da mister wiz dah moustache" a.k.a. "Sir six million" a.k.a. "The Gasman", etc.
- Michael Haneke
- Karl Franz Joseph Ludwig Hubert Georg Otto Maria Last Emperor of the Austrian-Hungarian Empire until Franz Ferdinand got life's big Ban an hammer starting WW1
- OmegaKitten - Loli pedo defender
See also
- Josef Fritzl
- Viennese vernacular
- banhammer
- anti-semite
QuaddafiKhadaffiGhadaffiGaddafi- Haet
- Australia
- Germany
- Bavaria
- Europe
- Fucking, Austria
- sick fuck
- Pirate Party of Austria
External links
- "Haider was drunk before fatal car crash" - MOSSAD denies any involvement in Jörg Haider's car accident.
- "Murder Conspiracy: Did Joerg Haider Get Whacked?" - Was Jörg Haider's death an inside job?
- "Newspapers sentenced for 'gay Haider' reports" - Jörg Haider's wife Claudia has been in deep denial about his homosexuality, but if you look at her face you'll see that very likely she is the one to blame for Haider's sick lifestyle choice
- "Austrians outraged over 'death angels' release" - An "Angel of Death" walks home for not killing anyone in almost twenty years.
- "CIA knew about Waldheim's Nazi past" - The CIA knew about Waldheim's jew-hatred and Nazi shenenigans (duh!)]
| Austria is part of a series on National Socialists Click topics to expand | |
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Schutzstaffel 卐 Ideologie, Tradition, Praxis, und Stolz 卐 Möchtegern-Nazis 卐 Feinde, Verräter, und verboten |
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