Jack Sparrow
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Warning! Woops, forgot my hat! |
Jack Sparrow (full name, Captain Jack Sparrow, Esq., OBE, CBE, Pirate Lord Of The Caribbean, The Pauper Of The Surf, The Jester Of Tortuga) is a camp, terminally drunk pirate captain and the protagonist of Disney's shit-pile movie, Pirates of the Caribbean, played by FUCKING AMERICAN Johnny Depp.
13-year-old boys the world over have since wished they could be the infamous pirate captain themselves, and perpetually stumble about, feigning inebriation and using the sheer cluelessness of their cosplay as a clever tool to outwit authority figures! When not doing so, they tend to roleplay him in pirate-themed MMORPGs, and take some some version of "Captain Jack Sparrow" for their name. Jack Sparrow can unfortunately not get a boner. He is, however, in possession of a magic compass that points at what 'he wants' instead.
Every Halloween from 2004 to the end of eternity, an army of Jack Sparrow impersonators shall roam the land, strutting and quipping lines about stupid shit like missing rum and taking it in the ass from the Lord Of The Shitdicks himself, Johnny Depp, and John Barrowman.
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PROTIP: Go to Blockbuster and switch Pirates of the Carribbean with the porno Pirates (Blockbuster carries both). The covers are nearly identical to each other and are indistinguishable to parents who are in a hurry.
Gallery
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OH EXPLOITABLE -
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Captain Jack loves him some traps. -
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Jack does not approve of this My Little Pony faggotry. -
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You will always remember this as the day that you were almost caught by Dateline NBC. -
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Jack Sparrow's cameo in The Avengers. -
Jack Sparrow responds to Cam'ron. -
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Jack keeps an open mind to alternate gender identities. -
Cap'n Jack's ill-favored foray into the worlds of steampunk and homosexual deviancy. -
Arrgh, he escaped the curse of the Black Pearl, he escaped Davy Jones' Locker, but he could NOT escape Rule 34. -
Thank you, mommy, I couldn't wait to see this again for the 400th time! I just LOVE Johnny Deep. -
See Also
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Jack Sparrow is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |
