MylarBalloonFan

Nobody has heard of this person, but whoever they are, vandalizing this article only makes us want to learn more...

It may come as a surprise to some that anyone over the age of 8 would have an obsession with foil balloons; however, some people never outgrow such childish things. MylarBalloonFan AKA Samuel "Sammy" Petersen or Sam Asp Glassen (born on 12 August 1991) is a fat, 30 year-old basement dweller who is obsessed with Mylar balloons, old technology, square objects, American junk food, the 1990s, shitty techno music, and Bratz. He is also an autistic Dane who hates his own country for various stupid reasons. Sammy also is something of an Ameriboo and wants to move to the USA. However, due to Sammy spending his welfare money on other things, he won’t be touching American soil anytime soon. Also to no surprise he is a fat fuck. Clocking in at only 170 centimeters tall, he weighs a staggering 87 kilos. (5'7" and 191 pounds for imperialists)

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EDiots have translated this article
into the following obscure language(s):

Danish

Mylar Balloons

Sammy telling the internet about how he masturbates with balloons

Samuel has an intense love for Mylar Balloons. So much so, that he has over 200 of them in his room. Due to Køge not having very many places that sell Mylar Balloons, Samuel has to import them from the US. He spends at least 200 USD for one Mylar balloon and has spent over 5000 USD on Mylar balloons. Yes, he spends 200 dollars to import a shitty balloon that costs 7 dollars at Party City.

He expresses his love for Mylar balloons on Yahoo answers and Youtube. He comments regularly on videos of other Mylar balloon spergs that videotape themselves and their balloons. He also posts negative comments to anyone that uploads videos of themselves popping his favorite type of balloons. In his own words: anyone who pops Mylar balloons is "killing his girlfriend".

Yes, Samuel has a sexual fetish for Mylar balloons. It’s not enough for Samuel to own Mylar balloons; he also has sex with them and admits that Mylar balloons feels good against his microdick on Yahoo answers without any shame. He even videotaped himself slobbering all over a Mermaid balloon. You can watch the video here.

As an avid Mylar balloon fan, he hates the dreaded latex balloons with a passion. He posts long rant videos about how much he despises them and of him flipping off latex balloons at a store. He even popped latex balloons in a couple of videos.

	“	MYLAR MAKES MY PENIS WET WITH JOY IF YOU HATE MYLAR YOU SHOULD BE KILLED MYLAR BALLOONS IS SEXIER THAN DIRTY HIPPYS AND HUMANS	„

	“	When I see a Rubber Balloon I becomes angry and want to shot the latex balloon but I am very happy when I see a Mylar Foil Balloon. to me Latex Balloons are fake and Mylar is real balloons.	„

	“	Mylar Balloons smell good and feel good on my penis.	„

Previous Quote | Next Quote

He Loves the '90s

Sammy's 1990s cosplay, fanny pack and all

In the name of lolicon, Mylar, and the 1990s, I shall punish you!

Sammy has other obsessions besides Mylar balloons that he spends quite a bit of his welfare check on. He is also obsessed with schoolgirl animu, old technology, squared objects, Dr. Pepper, and McDonalds. What these obsessions all share in Sammy’s autistic mind is their relationship to his favorite decade, the 1990s. Being born in 1991, Sammy is very nostalgic over his childhood. Unable to adjust to modern technology, Sammy despises the modern world and everything about it.

He’s obsessed with Sailor Moon and similar type school girl anime that came out in the 90s. He has spent quite a bit of money on animu little girl toys, Sailor Moon Mylar balloons, and other various animu crap. He even wore Sailor Mars cosplay and schoolgirl outfits in public, letting every single Dane in Køge know how special he is. He once made a top ten kawaii-est anime girl list and every single girl listed was younger than 16, some were even as young as eight years old. When viewers pointed out their age and asked him if he was a pedophile, Sammy raged at them.

His obsessions with ancient, pre-Web 1.0 technology include comfortable 1980s chairs, square electronics, and ancient computers. He also posts rants on his hatred for Windows Vista/7/8 and does not give a clear answer on why he dislikes them other than that they are modern computer systems. It’s also no surprise that Sammy likes 90s fashion (or, lack-thereof) and extremely bright, noisy, and generally annoying clothing. In every single one of his videos, he blasts Gabber techno for those who are unfortunate to listen. He also wears god awful 90s light-reflecting fashion that makes someone look like they lost a fight with a tub of highlighters. So far, his highlighter look consists of a New Kids on the Block fanny pack, a woman’s soccer jacket, and a girly watch. His fashion choices are interesting, to say the least. He chooses to wear the same type of stuff that women and effeminate gays wore in the 90s before quickly ditching them when they realized how retarded they looked. However, this should be expected from the same guy who wore schoolgirl outfits in public.

It can be assumed that he eats McDonalds on a weekly basis from the song his posted, the video of himself exiting out of one, and even his own comments about the franchise. He makes videos of himself obnoxiously burping on camera after drinking Dr. Pepper.

He Loves the Early 2000s

Recently Mylar has taken a bit of a plot twist. He now loves the early 2000s and sings their praises, expressing the opinion that 2000-2006 were the best years and everything after has been shit.

Herfølge Skole

The autist also has an obsession with Herfølge Skole (Herfølge School), so much that he comments on every fucking thing on their Facebook page. In the Facebook group he proudly announces his hatred of anything new.

Other Person: Even better library opening, now with school library.
Sammy: The old library was better more cosy this is way too modern and bright.
Another Person: I disagree. We have a wonderful library...
Sammy: Bright and modern is boring.
Another Person: I think our library brims with life and engagement - and I like brightness and air.
Sammy: Bright and modern makes me depressed.

He loves Herfølge school so much he even got one of their tables that he could use as a desk.

He uses it as his current computer desk

Where he proudly places his computer from 2003

Bratz

Without exception, manchildren fap to things meant for young girls. Some fap to Sailor Moon; others fap to My Little Pony. The things that get Sammy's tiny dick hard are Bratz, a line of dolls modeled from ugly guido prostitutes. He keeps a creepy Bratz shrine in his room, loaded with decapitated doll heads, like a serial killer proudly displaying his trophies.

My pretty!

Mylar rubs this thing on his dick

First love

Buying a Barbie ballon to show his hate

Previous Video | Next Video

He also has a hate-bonker on Barbie, because Barbie is too old.

Videos

Are you horny yet?

What he thinks about Latex Balloons

What he thinks about Ovals

Proud owner of a neon fannypack

One of many burp videos

Dr. Pecker: Approved!

$105 wasted on a worthless keyboard

Proudly displaying his cheap plastic crap

Previous Video | Next Video

Sammy and trolls

Sammy's response to this article.

Another response to this article, using South Park

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	“	<stopthe60s> 888chan and ED are illegal	„

Getting mad at 789chan and people who compare him to Chris Chan

Sammy is very touchy when it comes to criticism and argues with trolls and people on and off youtube. Being discovered by 789chan users, Sammy quickly found his way to the site and raged at the users. So much so that he flagged down mirrors of his videos, sent trolls butthurt messages on Youtube, and made a couple of videos on Daily Motion.

He even, at one point, attempted to team up with Robert Wayne Stiles to get trolls arrested by the FBI. However, he quickly ditched Robb, because sending trolls to jail was taking time away from fucking his Mylar balloons. Isn't that awesome?

He also gets very irritated when trolls compared him to Chris Chan. Like Chris, he also wears out-of-date pedo glasses, likes Sailor Moon, eats at McDonalds almost religiously, is obsessed with toys, and even looks kind of like Chris. He even got referred to as "Danish Chris" by trolls before they found out his name. The main reason why he gets so butthurt when people compare him to Chris-chan is because Chris likes Pokemon and My Little Pony and that Chris is "too mainstream". Another thing that is true when comparing him to Chris-chan is that Sammy does not understand copyright law.

Another thing Sammy gets upset over is when people dislike his videos, whether they be trolls and/or people who didn't find his videos very entertaining. He also seems to believe that the same person disliked all of his videos rather than a few people finding them to be boring.

Like so many people before him, when he had found his ED article, he wanted to take the information down NOW NOW NOW!!!1 So he used the ED account that he already had and practically blanked the article. Needless to say, his edits were quickly reverted and he was banned.

Later he made a second account and a second attempt with the same results. He also made yet another attempt some time later, trying to turn his ED article into a vanity article, but was discovered and banned yet again.