Mountain Dew
If you drink this shit, you are automatically hardcore and wicked sick nasty. Mountain Dew is the beverage of choice for 1337 hackers and extreme video gamers, particularly its spin off flavor code red. Its popularity has seen decline since the advent of energy drinks, which have over 9000 sugars and caffeine, however allow extreme gamers to stay awake to the point at which they die of starvation[1]. Nonetheless, there remains a twitching mass of die-hard Mountain Dew fans, all of whom are type two diabetics.
—some azn on being a G | ||
What these sick nasty awesome gamers don’t know, is that Mountain Dew is actually a secret plot by their government to make them drink their juice. Mountain Dew actually contains concentrated orange juice, and we all know that if gamer fags don’t get their juice, they get all cranky and extra faggy.
The Original Flavor
Although the secret flavor of Mountain Dew is heavily guarded, recent scientific advancements have allowed scientists to take a closer look at what Mountain Dew is really made of. The current hypothesis of its conception is that a retarded boy consumed what scientists estimate to be within 10-20 green and yellow glow sticks before urinating heavily. When urination finally occurred, what appeared to be a glowing neon yellow fluid began cascading from his dick. Naturally, being a retard and possibly a 13 year old boy, he decided to taste his glowing nectar, as most lonely pre-adolescent boys do. Upon tasting the sweet juice, the retard immediately became obese, greasy, grew his hair out to his shoulders, and spent the rest of his life in his parent's basement playing halo and masturbating to anime. Tl;dr: it tastes like piss and turns you into a gamer fag
The Other Flavors
- Code Red: Makes you even more super hardcore gamer than regular Mountain Dew. This flavor was discovered when the boy who invented the original developed a urinary tract infection and began adding blood to his cocktail. This one is supposedly cherry-flavored... More like cherry cough medicine, to be honest.
- Livewire: Mountain Dew with orange flavor and even moar fucking sugar. The only way to obtain this rarity is through the black market, as the parents of all the 13 year old boys who drank it refused to buy it.
- Baja Blast: Needs moar sugar, only found at Taco Bell, because it was made exclusively for Mexicans and southerners.
- Sangrita Blast: Cherry-flavored, another Taco Hell original that no one cared about.
- Voltage: Won some faggy contest and became a permanent flavor. It is "charged with rasperry citrus flavor and ginseng", even though noone who drinks it has any idea what the fuck ginseng even is.
- White-Out: Tastes exactly the same as Mountain Dew except zomg its white! Can you hazard an idea why?
- Throwback: Eww, natural sugar, needs moar corn. This flavor was a response to the growing concern about High Fructose Corn Syrup being in every fucking thing we eat, and over 9000 people bought it to ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH.
- Game Fuel: The only drink that rewards you for being stupid and lazy with double experience points codes for Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3. Tastes like the original only with a shitberry after taste.
- Pitch Black: Actual pitch (as in, the black tar-like resin) may or may not have been an ingredient in this flavor. That or crude oil.
- Kickstart: A pseudo-energy drink intended to be drank at breakfast. Supposedly only contains 20g of sugar, so this is obviously a healthy choice for anyone concerned about their weight, and is perfect to give your children in the morning before school.
- Baja Flash: Baja Blast, but now it tastes like piss.
- Baja Punch: Baja Blast, but now it tastes like a mixture of Code Red and Livewire.
- Voo-Dew: A mysterious flavor that changes every year for special occasions. Visual wise, it looks like it came from a semen jar.
- Shark Bite: This flavor of Dew looks like some goddamn Windex, and tastes like it too.
- Major Melon: Mountain Dew with watermelon. Exclusively for summer occasions.
- DEW-SA: A mixture of Code Red, White Out, and Voltage for the Americunts.
- Spiked Lemonade: A KFC exclusive flavor.
- Holiday Brew: Sprite Cranberry rip off.
- Gingerbread Snapp’d: Gingerbread and Mountain Dew sound like a bad mix, but surprisingly it tastes okay.
- Thrashed Apple: Exclusively at Fred Meyer, this flavor of Dew is one of the better flavors out there.
- Spark: The worst flavor of Dew yet. Skip this one.
- Dewitos: Dorito-flavored Dew.
- Cake Smash: Exclusively for birthdays.
- Sweet Lightning: Another KFC exclusive flavor. Tastes like peaches.
- Flamin’ Hot: Dew with the “Flamin’ Hot” branding from chips. It doesn’t actually burn your tongue, but it burns inside the stomach.
- Purple Thunder: Not to be confused with lean, this berry plum flavor is sold exclusively at Circle K stations.
- Baja Gold: Same as Baja Flash, still tastes like piss.
- Baja Mango Gem: Mango Dew.
- Baja Deep Dive: This blueberry flavor, exclusive to the Dew Treasure sweepstakes of 2022, tastes like NyQuil.
- Legend: This blackberry flavor is sold exclusively at Buffalo Wild Wings. It tastes like a combination of Powerade and Red Bull.
- Typhoon: A flavor from 2010, brought back for a limited time in 2022. It tastes like a mixture of fruit punch and Kool-Aid. My faggot aunt bought this one for me once and it tasted like vaginal discharge.
- Fruit Quake: Fruitcake Dew. That's fucking nasty.
- Vibe: Another lemonade flavored Dew, exclusive to Which Wich sandwich shops.
- Hitler Did Nothing Wrong - Last Thursday, /b/ decided to "up vote" a new drink name by mountain dew. When the company realized the next mourning that "Hitler Did Nothing Wrong" got the most votes, they took their website down due to butthurts.
PuppyMonkeyBaby
During Super Bowl 50, Mountain Dew revealed their new commercial for the Kickstart flavors, which featured three guys sitting on a couch and being given cans of Mountain Doo by "PuppyMonkeyBaby". PuppyMonkeyBaby is essentially a CGI creature with the lower half of a baby, the torso and arms of a monkey, and the head of a pug... Because remember, random=funny.
List of Facts
- Mountain Dew is reportedly banned in a number of European countries for containing flame retardants in their list of ingredients (namely bromine which builds up in the body)
- Mountain Dew can cause memory loss, ADHD and a plethora of awesome medical conditions that will ensure your suffering.
- If you drink enough mountain dew, your tongue will become fissured like Tim Rench's
See also
- Dub the Dew
- Eric Harris - the company's former #1 customer
- 7OLS - Mountain Dew obsessed retard who collects empty cans of mountain dew (and his own piss in water bottles) and likely the drinks current #1 customer.
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