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*{{Deviantart|Preachingtoheaven}} Has the Prodigal Son returned? Or is this perhaps a new disciple | |||
Revision as of 01:40, 24 July 2024
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
Once upon a time, there lived a fifteen year old boy of the fundamentalist Christian persuasion who saw the influence of Satan in almost everything outside of his house in Colorado Springs, Colorado. With this revelation heavy upon his conscience as well as the power of Christ compelling him, this ever vigilant Christian boy joined the artistic cesspool known as DeviantART in hopes that he could accumulate many dA points whilst spreading the word of God to the heretical tarlet masses.
That boy's name is Robert Stephen Christopher Bauers (often referred to as "Robbie" or "Pastor Robbie" by his adoring fans) also known as PreachingtheGospel and whether you like it or not he is here to save your soul. This is his story and nothing less!
Saving Souls For Jesus
With Bible in hand and one hell of a persecution complex, Preachingthegospel is a hardcore Baptist Christfag who joined DeviantART to "save souls for Jesus" by pretending to be a Pastor (and no he does not have a license) and "ministering" the userbase. He has more than likely never so much as cracked open a Bible but rather has learned everything he knows about Christianity from Chick tracts, his mommy, and his pastor.
Much to the chagrin of everyone with which he comes in contact, "Pastor Robbie" is even more relentless than most Jehovah's Witnesses at your door when it comes to GodJesus. He actively seeks out any individual who has so much as an ever so slightly different religious denomination than himself and proceeds to go full-on capslock and spam their dA page telling them the good news about how Jesus is "Truth and Life" and how "the power of Christ compels" them to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior until the individual or individuals he is trying to "save" block him, which only leads to more whining from Robbie, because how can he save their souls when he's blocked?
When he's not harassing those people he deems "Satanists" by shoving his religious beliefs down their throats, he uses deviantArt as a personal hugbox whenever the non-believers tell him to fuck off. When someone, even if they are a Christian, calls him out on his bullshit or anyone, even a "fellow Christian", tries to talk sense into him and get him to understand why his message isn't getting through to anyone, this usually leads to Robbie sticking his fingers in his ears and yelling "LALALALA! I can't hear you, you evil Satanists!". He will deny that they are not a "true Christian" and then proceed to write even more nonsensical dA journals where he calls out anyone who's not a perfect Christian like him as "Satanists" (including but not limited to Buddhists, Atheists, Agnostics, etc.) all the while attempting to make himself look like some sort of holy martyr and that the Satanists are attacking him because he's Christian, not because he's actually an idiot harassing users and spamming their pages with what he deems "The Truth".
Ironically enough, PreachingtheGospel will become seriously ass-pained if anyone so much as uses the hashtag #preachingthegospel in a dA submission whether it is directed at him or not. This in-turn leads to him writing yet more call-out journals and he will also unleash the fucking fury if someone else writes a journal or creates art calling him but in his bullshit. He will also e-beg for DA Points at any given opportunity and receives points whenever he whines about evil Satanists being mean to him. Lately he has been whining about how mean "his fellow Christians" have been to him. It's a never-ending cycle of faggotry and faggotry is apparently Preachingthegospel's happy place.
It should be noted that he seriously thinks that Encyclopedia Dramatica is a "Satanic troll version of Wikipedia" and has even spammed ED's official dA group 
In-ae-We-Trust.
Needless to say, his jimmies are rustled quite easily.
Satanen: The Object of His Obsessions
Pastor Robbie's main targets to save are non-Christian females, which he has deemed evil lesbian Satanists who are in dire need of redemption so they will "stop having Satanic lesbian blood orgies" simply because they don't want him spreading his religious beliefs like a disease on their userpages. Whilst trying to minister all the other Satanists is all well and good, his favorite Satanist is a dA user who goes by the name of Satanen.
It all likely started while Pastor Robbie was either browsing all the Satanist art on DA or he found Satanen during one of his every day point peddles via the daHub. One thing is for certain: when Robbie tried to minister Satanen by telling her the good news about Jesus, he was promptly told him to go fuck himself.
It was at that moment that Robert became intrigued by the evil Satanist lady and began lurking her dA page, looking through her gallery and comments. What at first seemed like innocent curiosity very quickly evolved into an outright rabid obsession, and ever since he has written countless journals about her and her ilk and has even drawn two three fan arts featuring her person. Inevitably this lead to Satanen's friends and watchers coming to the conclusion that Robbie actually has a crush on Satanen and every journal is actually a personal love letter. He only wants senpai to notice him...and of course accept Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.
If approached about his obvious stalking, Robbie will go full on capslock and deny he has feelings for the "evil Satanist lady" not unlike an elementary school boy on the playground screaming about how girls have cooties. Robbie will also interject himself into other user's conversations (again in capslock) about his crush even if it is so much as light-hearted teasing...that is both before and after he writes even more capslock'd incoherent dA journals about how "HE IS NOT STALKING ANYONE AND HAS NEVER STALKED ANYONE EVER AND HE DOESN'T LOVE SATANEN SO STOP OKAY!!!!1". Little does Pastor Robbie realize that the more he denies his true feelings the more obvious his obsession becomes.
In spite of all of the obsessive stalking, Satanen has done the mature thing and has chosen to ignore Pastor Robbie and move on with her life. But Robbie, being the ever obsessive creep he is, has gone into a full on tard rage over the matter. He refuses to be ignored and not only continues to write a myriad of journals about her and leaving slanderous comments on other Tartlet's pages regarding how "evil" she is (said tarlets know of Satanen or otherwise) for breaking his heart and hurting his fee-fees whilst spamming the fanpage of her webomic foryousatan-fanclub, but he has decided to stalk Satanen's real-life boyfriend DepressiveMadness and slander him as well stating that "You should study the Bible everyday like me!" on more than one occasion. Much like Satanen, DepressiveMadness has taken the high road and also ignores Robbie. Needless to say this also caused Robbie go fly into a tard-rage.
It is quite obvious that Pastor Robbie is angry and jealous that his precious Satanen-senpai won't notice him. Robbie is obsessed and cannot stand the thought that she is in a relationship with a person she genuinely cares for who loves her for who she is rather than giving up everything she enjoys or believes in for the sake of some creepy little prick who is over ten years her junior forcing his spiritual beliefs down her throat.
Delusions and World View. Also Sex
Anyone who has had extended contact with Robbie will quickly come to the conclusion that he is very naïve and has obviously had a sheltered upbringing. As seen in this journal entry Robbie states has never attended public school, and and comes off as quite oblivious that the fact that people who attend public school most likely already know about Jesus if they're not already Christian. Given private schools charge tuition and Robbie's obviously too mentally deficient to obtain a scholarship, he was much more obviously home schooled by his mother so that she may protect him from an ugly world. Another example of Robbie's naïvety can be seen here where Robbie expresses surprise at there being more than a few countries throughout the world. He also seems to believe that God is Superman. If Robbie was indeed homeschooled, his mother likely taught him little to nothing about the real world and instead chose to use Chick Tracts as well as her own twisted version of Bible stories as teaching tools.
Not surprisingly, Robbie is a whiteknight for ExaltGod and even when told what a horrible person she is in that she condemned practically everyone that's not herself, Robbie will eagerly and blindly defend her and claim that she "was saving souls". He will continue to defend her even when shown absolute proof of her faggotry. He is also a whiteknight for Starrceline.
Another attribute which the casual observer may notice is that, despite his claims to being a good little Christian who doesn't like rude and perverted stuff Robbie seems to spend an inordinate amount of time talking or thinking about sex. It has been speculated that Robbie finds sex to be sinful (unless used for reproductive purposes) because his mother spoon fed the concept to him from birth (that is when she wasn't actually spooning him in bed) and thus has repressed his own sexuality...or he could just want to fuck Jesus. No one really knows for sure aside from his alleged religious upbringing combined with his repressed sexuality could lead to the birth of a serial killer.
Further proving his delusional tendencies, Robbie has a tendency to believe anything and everything his mother or his local church's pastor tells him no matter how insane or stupid it may sound. Robbie also claims that God gave his mother supernatural powers and made her a prophet.
Among her supernatural God-Given powers, Robbie's mother actually believes that:
- The computer is a device for ministering people on the internetz.
- God told her that black and red are Satanic colors and she forced Robbie to throw out his red t-shirt.
- God told her that their television was "one big Satan box" and threw it out.
- Jesus spoke to her when she was in the hospital and cured her heart attack. Note that Robbie refuses to believe that she had a panic attack, implying that they think the doctors are also "dum dums".
- She can sense through the computer that the Satanists of DeviantArt are having BDSM lesbian blood orgies despite the fact that most of those same evil Satanists live in different parts of the world.
- She is a prophet of God and not crazy at all!
- The television is "one big Satan box", leading her to throw out the family's TV so now Robbie can't play Sonic and Mario anymore, but having a computer in the house is okay since it's a tool for ministry!
- The World if flat. This left Robbie confused since his pastor said the world is round "like a bouncy ball".
This has lead to the conclusion that "Pastor Mommy" is either just as delusional as Robbie, batshit insane, has a tumor or cyst on her brain, or she is in fact trolling her own son for the lulz. Either way Pastor Robbie is a sad specimen given that no matter what insane bullshit "mom" spits out her suck hole, Robbie automatically believes it. If anyone tries to explain some logic to him, Robbie will throw a royal fit of Godly proportions and accuse them of "attacking his wonderful family". Perhaps Robbie has an Oedipus complex, hence his obsession with older women like Satanen? Who knows, but here is what Robbie honestly believes (or rather what his mommy and his pastor have mentally force fed him):
- "American" is a legit language.
- Anything that's not glorifying God is Satanist by default.
- BDSM is Satanic. Point out to Robbie that nowhere in the Bible does it say that "Thou shalt not have kinky sex" and expect an incoherant response consisting of yet more capslock followed by over 9000 "OKAY"s.
- Bisexuals aren't real and bisexuality is merely an excuse to have Satanic BDSM orgies.
- Cats are Satanic creatures.
- Firefox is a Satanic browser because "Firefox" is a metaphor for Hell. This why Robbie refuses to stop using Internet Explorer.
- Food allergies are caused by "demons" that fight the "angles (angels)" in your digestive tract.
- Google may one day align itself with Satan.
- He is bilingual, his first and second languages being "American" and "English".
- He is an ordained minister and actually believes his incoherent journals are actually sermons.
- Hillary Clinton is a reptilian.
- His mother can sense Satanic Orgies through the computer.
- His mother is a "prophetess of God".
- Homosexuals are okay, but gay sex is bad!
- If you are from Germany you are a Nazi.
- If you eat more ice cream than you worship God you could get demons in your stomach if you're a certain person.
- If you watch porn your private parts will become possessed by demons.
- It's mean to call people names, Never mind that he thinks "dum dum" is a great insult to people.
- Junk food creates "junk food demons" in the stomach and stomachaches are the "junk food angles" fighting the demons.
- Men had long hair and women were actually bald in Biblical Times until God gave women hair and told men to cut their hair.
- Mental illness is demonic possession and the only cure is dedicating your life to Jesus.
- Men should not have long hair nor should they braid their hair.
- The novel "Lord of the Flies" is the work of Satan.
- Tumblr and Social Justice Warriors are the work of Satan...although he MAY very well be onto something here.
- Pokemon is Satanic because it's "Demons (Semons) being put into Demon balls because symbolism.
- Public highschool consists of nothing but Satanic orgies and drugs.
- Satanists have possessed the dAhub and forced him to +fav borderline pornography.
- Schizophrenics are mass murderers.
- Scottish men shouldn't wear kilts because it's Satanic to do so.
- Sex should only be done for reproductive purposes.
- That he is legit ministering DeviantArt.
- That Satanists "put demons and naked ladies on his computer".
- Transgenders are going to Hell for "dressing up like ladies" because his mother told him so.
- There is no cake in Sweden...except cheesecake.
- When Catholics taken Communion they're literally eating Jesus (but it's symbolic when protestants take Communion and therefore awwwright).
- Trench coats are the product of Satan.
- Women should never cut their hair.
- Women should not show any skin below the face.
- Women should submit to their husbands.
Things That Robbie Likes
- The Bible
- Church
- Dogs
- Donald Trump
- God
- His mom
- His pastor
- Jesus
- Playing with his little sister
- Plushies
- Sonic the Hedgehog "It's like a taste of Heaven!"
- Transformers
- Vigilant Christian
Things That Robbie Hates
- Abortion
- Agnostics
- Alcohol
- Anything that's not praising GodJesus
- Atheists
- Bisexuals he claims they're not real
- Black People
- Breasts
- Any translation of the Bible that isn't the King James Version
- Buddhists
- Bikinis
- Anybody who doesn't agree with him
- Barack Obama
- Being Called "Robbie" or "Robby"
- Buddhists
- Children of Bodom (Children of Bosom).
- Cats because they can be used in Satanic rituals.
- Catholics because they're not real Christians like Robbie.
- Communion
- Emos
- Evolution
- Family Guy
- Fun
- Gender Equality
- Gays
- Goths
- Hell even though according to Robbie all the cool people will be there.
- Hillary Clinton
- Hindus
- Islam
- Jews
- Junk Food because he thinks they're filled with demons.
- Lesbians despite his claims that he has no problem with homosexuals.
- Marijuana
- Mexicans
- Non-Christian or Non-classical music
- Nazis
- Nudity
- Paganism
- People watching pornography
- Sailor Moon "You can see their booties!"
- Satan (Stan)
- Satanists (Stanists)
- Sex or rather the idea of it. Any mention of sex sends him into a full-on tard rage.
- Short hair on women
- Snoop Dogg He's possessed by weed demons.
- South Park
- Spam
- Sweden
- Trannies because he believes people should act like/stay a certain gender, meaning he is very likely transphobic.
- Wicca
- Wimmins other than his mommy.
Art
As delusional as ever, Pastor Robbie believes that the Good Lord has blessed him with a gift of artistic talent and claims to be using said talent to praise Him! The truth is that, while some have a born innate knack for creativity, art takes a lot of practice and hard work, not a blessing from some imaginary Sky-Daddy! Besides, if God had really blessed Robbie with a any kind of talent, wouldn't he be actually making art rather than the scribbling shit featured in the gallery below?
According to Robbie, if you're not using your talents (or anything else for that matter) to praise God then you're a Satanist by default!
-
Robbie says this is a drawing of hands grabbing pie. We says it's a drawing of cocks swarming a prolapsed poo hole. -
-
LOL "Muslim Lands" -
Is Jesus into water sports?
-
Drugs are bad, m'kay! -
Jesus anal beads. -
The Hand of God is a giant ass from which penises are protruding? Seems legit. -
HAIL SATAN EVERYDAY! -
Self portrait. He looks like some homicidal asian Muppet. -
Robby was commissioned to draw this. -
Satan isn't happy that you pissed on him, Robbie. >:( -
Pedo Jesus confirmed! -
Robbie made this using his own bloody stool.
Robbie's Fans Pay Tribute
In his short time on DeviantArt many of Pastor Robbie's devout followers have showered him with many gifts. Not only have most if not all of these gifts have gone greatly unappreciated, but in typical Preachingthegospel fashion, these true works of art have lead to yet more whiny journals as well as the users who made these being spammed by Robbie in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.
Ironically enough, most of the following works are far better than anything Robbie has ever managed to create.
-
Obviously this is where Robbie wants to be. -
Demon Warships are piloted by Demoms from Hell! -
Smoke Weed Everyday! -
But then this article wouldn't exist.
-
This pieces sums up PreachingtheGospel perfectly. -
Nathan Explosion finds it brutal! -
Westboro Baptist Muppet. -
Better than the original. -
You Gonna Get raped! -
Shrek is a Stanic Ogre! -
dA's Stanic cult take a Stanic cruise on a Demon Warship. -
This is not so much gift art as it pissed Robbie off to no end. -
Yeah, baby! You can sail my warship!
Robbienese 101
Despite thinking that any language that isn't English American is demon language (ironic given the Bible wasn't originally written in English, not to mention Robbie himself has stated that English isn't his first language), Preachingthegospel seems to have created his own language. It is so obscure and unique that only those of a truly devout Christian faith such as Robbie's can decipher it. Luckily, hard-working Satanists have managed to decipher his language for the masses in case one were to evoke Robbie's holy rage.
- "Angels" Translates to "Angles"
- "Bible" Translates to "Bibel"
- "Brain" Translates to "Brian"
- "Breaks" Translates to "Brakes"
- "Children of Bodom" Translates to "Children of Bosom"
- "Coats" Translates to "Couts"
- "Columbine" Translates to "Columbia" or "Columbus"
- "Demons" Translates to "Demoms" or "Semons"
- "Diarrhea" Translates to "Diereah"
- "Exorcise" Translates to "Exercise"
- "False" Translates to "Falso"
- "For" Translates to "Fir"
- "Gallery" Translates to "Galley"
- "Ghetto" Translates to "Geto"
- "Guitar Player" Translates to "Gutar Plyer"
- "Himself" Translates to "Hisself"
- "Homosexual" Translates to "Hobosexual"
- "Immorality" Translates to "Immortality"
- "Liar" Translates to "Lyre"
- "Liberals" Translates to "Liverals"
- "Makes" Translates to "Mate"
- "Marijuana" Translates to "M*R*J**N*" or "Meri*****"
- "Message" Translates to "Massage"
- "Obsessed" Translates to "Oversessed"
- "Orgies" Translates to "Ogres"
- "Perverted" Translates to "Overted"
- "Place" Translates to "Plaque"
- "Private" Translates to "Provate"
- "Reason" Translates to "Raisin"
- "Reign" Translates to "Rain"
- "Rude" Translates to "Ride"
- "Satan" Translates to "Stan" or more rarely "Saian"
- "Satanists" Translates to "Stanists" or "Stananists"
- "Singer" Translates to "Songer"
- "Stop" Translates to "Stip"
- "Suicide" Translates to "Suicided" or "Suiciding"
- "Taken" Translates to "Tooken"
- "Title" Translates to "Titel"
- "Worship" Translates to "Warship"
White Knights
As a self-proclaimed minister and ever content to play the victim, Robbie has accumulated a few white knights whom he whines to on a daily basis in exchange for ass-pats and dA points. When Robbie cries, they answer and tell him that he is "sweet" and that he's "doing good work". It's no surprise that most if not all of them are female given that Robbie thinks women should submit to their male superiors.
Anonymus316 - Probably the only male willing to put up with Robert's bullshit, he will the defend the pastor at every given opportunity and has a major hate boner for Mexicans.
Avemm - The first of Robbie's white knights whom Pastor Robbie drove to try and become an hero. She will likely never be active on dA ever again. Has somehow miraculously returned from the dead to call Pastor Robbie on his bullshit.
cookieswirldonut - Is oblivious to the fact that Robbie is actually the one harassing people even after countless warnings. Disregard that. She has become wise to Robbie's harassment and has taken to trolling him as well.
fuzzymarshmallow1 - One of Robbie's main enablers and thinks it's perfectly fine Robbie is going around harassing people. She believes it's her job to lift Robert up.
kipporah - Is known for quoting the Bible in her posts and constantly tells Robbie that he is doing a "Good job" in handling the Satanists. Lately she seems to be growing wise to Robbie's bullshit.
LadyLunoma - Another white knight Christfag who thinks trolls have nothing better to do with their lives. Ironic, is it not?
L0ve2000 - The newest of Robbie's devout followers, but unlike the others she actually claims to know Robbie in real life and says that they attend the same church. She thinks Robbie is actually ministering deviantART. Then again she could very well be nothing more than a sock puppet of Robbie's.
lionking97 - Believes that Robbie MUST harass people or we will all burn in Hell!!!
PsalmSeven - Like Fuzzymarshmallow1, she is another of Robbie's enablers, but with the added quirk of frequently quoting the Bible in her comments.
rougeballoon - Honestly believes that Robbie fights the Satanists with "love and kindness".
sonamy47 - Believes the power of prayer will help Robbie get over his faggotry.
Starluscious - AKA Dan144x, a former Satanist emo kid and transvestite who found Jesus. When he's not trying to suck Robbie's tiny teen penis is posting poems he claims "God wrote". If his ED page is anything to go by, we all know he's in this for the attention.
Quotes from the Pastor Robbie
— Well, the site is called DEVIANTART | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Robbie Discovers This Article
Trolling
Since Robbie has built a wall around himself that's more impenetrable than the Wall of Jericho, any of the following tried and true techniques have been scientifically proven to send Robbie into a rage that defies Tolstoy.
- Advise him to not feed the trolls.
- Call him delusional.
- Call him a retard.
- Call him a pervert.
- Call him out on his obsession with Satanen.
- Laugh at his faggotry.
- Laugh at his typos.
- Let him know that you're aware that he is harboring a crush on Satanen.
- Link him to any non-Christian music video on Youtube.
- Make any reference to the Apocrypha or the Dead Sea Scrolls.
- Make him "Gift Art".
- Refer to him as "Robbie" or "Robby".
- Say anything about his mom.
- Submit art featuring a girl in a bikini.
- Submit art painted in blood (your own blood or animal blood is completely optional).
- Submit art that's not praising God.
- Submit art that's not praising God and add the hashtag #preachingthegospel.
- Tell him that Evolution should be taught in schools.
- Tell him that God is the one true judge and that he has no right to be judging others.
- Tell him that's he is not a true Christian.
- Tell him that he is overreacting.
- Tell him that he's "Gay for Jesus"
- Tell him that the Nazis were Christian.
- Tell him that there is a separation of Church and State.
- Tell him to fuck off.
- Tell him to stop trying to force his beliefs on other people.
- Use any of the techniques explained here.
See Also
- Anscathmarcach
- Chris-chan
- Christianity
- Dan144x
- Dying alone
- ExaltGod
- Fucktard
- HAIL SATAN EVERYDAY
- Jack Chick
- Jesus Christ
- Lordelthibar
- Pastor Steven Anderson
- Pewdie-Pinkiepie
- SonicClone
- Starrceline
- Westboro Baptist Church
External links
- PreachingtheGospel Witness Robbie putting his foot in his mouth absolutely free!
- ptg-ministries His new group that's just waiting to be spammed!
- Quotev account
- His LinkedIn
NewsieSteve His Facebook
NewsieSteve His Youtube
newsiesteve His Instagram
newsiesteve His Twitter- Preachingtoheaven Has the Prodigal Son returned? Or is this perhaps a new disciple
- Stanism Robbie claims this is a Satanic Cult on dA and could be found spamming their page on a regular basis...that is, before they blocked him.
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Preachingthegospel is part of a series on Visit the DeviantART Portal for complete coverage. |
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Preachingthegospel is part of a series on Taking Down ED [Do It Faggot] |
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