Pagan

This is what pagans wish the world was like. Keep dreaming, fuckos.

DISCLAIMER: ED is not responsible for injuries caused to your sides through laughing at an unaffiliated site.

Pagan is a word describing religion, not a religion itself. However, "Pagans" don't realize this and go on to claim things that have all the individualism of saying "I'm polytheistic."

Pagans believe that the Earth is alive in the form of a God and Goddess. They can trace their religion's roots back to their ancestors in the 1960s, who basically made up a load of shit about what they imagined druids to be like then called themselves pagans. In a way, they were an early form of otherkin (note that pagans and otherkin continue to influence each other to this very day - otherkin most often describe their religion as "pagan"). They also believe it's their godgiven right to be complete assholes, rivaling vegans and flip flop wearing 20 somethings for levels of sheer douchebaggery.

Beliefs

According to their religion, if you can claim it is "ancient" with a straight face it's true. Every year God dies on a date known as Samhain (pronounced "Dan-Zig") which is coincidentally on Halloween. He is reborn again each year on a date known as Yule which, coincidentally (?), is on Christmas. If you mention any of these coincidences to a Pagan, they will cast a voodoo curse on you light a black candle and think evil thoughts about you, so watch out!

There's a simple explanation for that, which too many idiotic 4chaners are too lazy to go find out for themselves. (HINT: It's because it's fucking fake.)

There are other holidays that tell the story of the God and the Goddess, but they have not been made up yet. These are the basics of the mythology of the circle of life that fuels the many branches of Paganism. That, and copious amounts of Disney — which explains why the Baptists have boycotted them.

People who believe they are Pagan for the purpose of attention-whoring usually have a hyper-inflated superiority complex, especially if they are protected by the unbreakable barrier of a computer screen and thousands of miles. They believe they are more sensitive to beings of the next dimension (particularly ghosts and demons), and frequently say things like "I'm feeling a strange aura from that side of the room.", if they haven't been getting enough attention in a conversation. They will make gullible people shiver and shake, despite the person being told there's something there knowing that there is nothing there.

Pagans revel in claiming to believe in many religious doctrines, which "coincidentally" are always obscure, nature-based, and require donning ridiculous clothing to be worshipped. Pagans are not at all deterred by the fact that most of these religious doctrines grossly contradict each other; most likely because they know absolutely fucking nothing about the dogma they supposedly embrace (see Buddhism). For example, most pagans claim to worship Dana, Hecate, and Odin. These gods are all from different religions, and all of these religions contradict each other. The pagan claims to worship them because they are vaguely associated with birth, magic and wisdom respectively (worshipping in this context meaning "using their names when the pagan feels he or she is not getting enough attention").

While pagans will mantian their their religion is very real and based off the actual practices of ancient religions they will go to great lengths to vehemently deny animal and human sacrifice. They will go into a butt hurt rampage when you make them look up things like blót and the Ritual of oak and mistletoe. This will normaly trigger some bullshit rant about how some shit they just made up means that "real pagans" would never do that. You can at that point ask them if their real not made up religion is based off these older ones then why is animal sacrifice wrong.

Pagans will also point to the Salem witch trials and the witch laws passed as evidence of persecution and compare it to the Holocaust. They will also in the same breath use the Salem witch trials as evidence of how ignorant the Christians were and how the people that were killed were not real witches.

Wicca: Pagan Light with Cherry

Wicca wicca wild wild west.

Like goths, but eco-friendly and politically correct, Wicca is something taken up by fat 16 year old girls so they can call themselves witches because they think it'll freak people out (though it is their immense size and ugliness that actually freaks people out, but they'd rather believe in a big-horned, big-penised god running around with faeries than facing that simple fact). Many guys claim to respect this, but this is because they are neckbeards with no hope of ever getting sex from anyone else ever.

On LJ, Wiccans are represented by wiccan, moderated by the always rational Silvertree. Wicca attracts many morbidly obese girls and women because of their slimming dark-colored robes and their hatred of men, leading to lots of awkward lesbian sex in the name of "celebrating the sacred feminine".

It is also well known that Wiccans like to form smaller groups that they like to call covens. These smaller groups tend to meet on full moons, half moons, and new moons, but not on on blue moons, because blue moons aren't real (just like their religion). On the occasion of new moons one member of the coven is nominated to bend over and show their moon, and every one else takes turns drawing down the moon with their wands.

Wiccans like to give themselves really clever and interesting names, such as Princess Snowdrop of the Divine Light of Ass Hats, Crystal Raven with a chance of Light Scattered Showers, and Part-lee sunny outside. A lot of the time these names are simply taken from the first two to three things they see after dropping a tab of LSD, or alternatively the help of a mentor.

Wiccans also love to sacrifice virgins to the Horned God. In fact, if you live in a small town that has a coven in it, you might as well forget your dreams of ever getting any virgin pussy. (This is true even if you live in a town with no Wiccans in it, because all women are sluts.)

Lastly, Wiccans do indeed worship Satan, but they do this behind closed doors. If you accuse Wiccans of worshipping Satan, they will flip the fuck out because you've discovered their dirty little secret.

Neo-Paganism

Essentially, Neo-Paganism combines all of the most nerdy elements of classical (and mutually antagonistic) European and Middle Eastern pagan pantheons, while leaving out most of the cool stuff like human and animal sacrifice so that 30-year-old basement dwellers can secretly take up witchcraft without too many of their secular or Jew-Christian peers batting an eyelash. In reality, they practice Wicca in order to fuck 16-year-old girls (see above).

Most Neo-Pagans are goths who never grew out of gothdom, work shitty service-sector jobs, deem themselves "intellectuals," and sit around playing D&D while whacked out of their skulls on whatever's at hand. Pagans like Hrafnagardh and Weofodthignen, who like to wear horned helmets and pretend to be vikings, are called "Asatruar", which is an ancient Norse word for "white supremacists".

Meso-pagan

EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING THING AS NEO-PAGANISM. Meso-pagans like to pretend that they strive very hard to be like the actual pagans, whereas Neo-pagans add in a lot of bullshit they made up.

This is a load of shit because none of them slaughter animals or sacrifice slaves in their name of their pretend god. Also, unlike the real pagans, they believe in peace and love and all that hippie bullshit even though almost every actual pagan culture had a love affair with war and normalized slavery. Another example of non-pagan beliefs is how as Norse neo-pagans are gay friendly even though the real Vikings would rip your lungs out for taking it up the ass.

Basically, Neo-pagans only care about accuracy to real paganism whenever it’s convenient for them. Call their attention to this fact for great justice.

Stag Circle

SUMMON MOAR MORNING WOOD!

Even more Occulticly than regular pagans are the Dolmen Grove. Proud, baby-eating Satanists who wear those retarded Snuggie blankets and raise their arms in the general direction of the sun, and take authoritative stances on issues that nobody cares about. Most recently have sent an open letter to Extreme-Islamic Hate Preacher Dr Rowan Williams, exclaiming their disgust at the suggestion of integrating elements of Religious Law into British Law, but tragically falling short of demanding the repeal of all British laws which have elements of Religious inspiration therein.

Unlike Scientology, this lolicult offers its own indoctrinate-at-home, study courses at no monetary cost. The cost is of course at the expense of the recipient's dignity. There is no leader, but there is a lead-camwhore who is frequently seen wearing twigs on his head to summon even greater morning wood. See The Dolmen article for moar!

Followers

Do they let the fact that Stonehenge was never even a religious site deter them? If only.

This beautiful, life-affirming narrative seems to attract cutters and angsty teens the world over. Like atheists, pagans are pissed off at the STUPID XTIANS who made fun of them in high school, so they're looking to reject the establishment like the hardcore rebels they are. Unlike atheists, though, pagans are secretly too afraid that Jehovah might actually exist to totally give him the finger, so they put him in a dress and call him "The Goddess", hoping that if that whole Jesus thing is actually true they might get a pass into Heaven anyway because hey, at least they worshiped something. Because of this, most pagans behave exactly like Christians, except for not knowing when to keep their damn clothes on, substituting a spiritual relationship with Christ for virulent sexual relationships with each other.

Like Cosmic Jew-Zombie worshipers, they come in a variety of flavors that most people fail to recognize. This causes much butt-hurt, and they will then rant and rave about the minuscule differences that make them all such unique individuals. And of course, none of these idiots realize that "Pagan" is not actually a religion, but an adjective describing religions with cool gods like the Greeks and Egyptians had.

If you encounter pagans on the Internet, you may think that they are all batshit insane. This is not entirely true, since at least 50% of pagans on the Internet are actually Son of Art. This gives the community a worse reputation than it would have otherwise.

The LJ community: pagan

According to Google, this is what a pagan looks like. Sickly little fellow, ain't he?

Practices

A little-known fact is that pagans were actually the first furries. Animal sacrifices are also common among pagans who skin the animal while it's still alive and grind it's horns to make penis-enlargement potions.

When not listening to the bleats of a dying goat, pagan make potions out of wild plants that can make people fall in love, tell the truth or run around naked with their genitals flapping in the wind (thus associating them with bakedfurs).

Because of their strong belief with the cycle of the year, pagans - like most angsty teens - are obsessed with sex. Teen pregnancy is simply not an issue for them. Despite their best effort to breed like their rabbit gods, pagans are still relatively rare IRL because today no person in their right mind would want to pay taxes for some little whore who thinks getting high and letting her dog do things to her pussy is part of her spirituality.

Because at the end of the day they are all animal-fucking doped-up cannibals, pagans have often been mistaken for Satanists. Although "mistaken" is not quite the correct word as they are exactly the fucking same anyways.

How to piss off pagans

• When Pagans tell you their people are stronger because they fight with the spirit of Vikings and barbarians of Celtic times, tell them Roman Emperor Constantine the Great used his mighty Christian powers to rain holy hell on Pagans at the batlle of Milvan Bridge. Thus making them pussies

• Tell them that their so called Akasha element actually comes from the Hindi word for sky

• Tell them that St Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland is just code for him getting rid of the pagans, who were pussies.

• Tell them most of the religions they worship forbade them from worshiping other gods but the ones they are already worshiping.

• Tell them that Christ is older than Paganism.

• Insist they worship Satan.

• Be sure to rearrange and organize their altars! The altars are usually a damn mess...

• Play card games with their Tarot deck.

• Sort their Tarot deck.

• Ask them why their mixed and matched religion feels its okay to incorporate contradicting deities except for those promoted by Hindus.

• Ask them why they can have so many gods but no room for Jesus.

• Ask them why early Christians forbid the sacrifice of animals if pagans never did it.

• Tell them that the whole Wicca thing founded by Gerald Gardner started when he found Lachish which had a temple with both the Abrahamic God AND Astaroth.

• Compare Gerald Gardner with Joseph Smith

• Tell them that the "rituals" written by Gerald Gardner are actually a cluster fuck of fragments from many different religions but mostly works of modern Occultists.

The Media

Da Vinci Code Due to the fact that there are at least 100 documentaries about every element of Dan Brown's exciting new book, there are now many documentaries made about Paganism. These feature just over an hour of big men fucking animals with commentary from recognized researchers about how we are all the same as the Pagans.

The Wicker Man The Wicker man was originally a win British horror movie accurately depicting the lives of real pagans - a Christian is brought to their island and after much mind-fucking is eventually burned alive by Christopher Lee. Oddly this caused more outrage amongst pseudo-witches than actual Christians. The Wicker Man was eventually re-made with Nicholas Cage, and was deemed a pile of shit by everyone.

SPECIAL MENTION: Nazi Pagans

As christfags and atheists battle over who was to blame for inventing Nazism, other white supremacists happily confuse and piss off both parties by converting to paganism (specifically Odinism). Why? Some say it is because Christianity is descended for Judaism and therefore is not suited to white nationalists. Others think it is because it teaches all races are equal. It is most commonly believed however that pagans are naturally bloodthirsty and racist and so perfectly fitted with neo-Nazism.

Links:

• "Odinism is racist?!"
• HAIL ODIN!

This Is What A Typical Youtube Pagan looks like

Here are some more Pagan freaks.

Related Links

• Halloween‎ The pagan christmas
• Paganism:1
• Wicca
• otherkin
• Krampus The Pagan Santa
• Brummie Pagans
• Freud
• Satanism
• 16 year old girls
• PaganDeathKnight
• The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
• More shit
• Where Pagans Go To Die

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