Ultraviolet News Network

	“	Our Ultraviolet Rays Will Burn You!	„
	—No, srsly, that's really their motto.

Secret Internet Wars, or SIWs, go on all the time. But they're secret.

The Ultraviolet Newb Network is a self-styled idiot wiki of the "Internets Mafia". Ultraviolet was apparently intended to be a wiki "base" for vandals, except that it got vandalized into the ground - all 12 articles! - before it even opened to the public, because every single user is an inexperienced, dumbass teenager.

For reasons unknown at this time, every single one of the Ultraviolet sysop's multiple personalities believe that we at ED are at war with them, even though we have never heard of them or their little wiki and its 12 articles. What is known is that they are retarded to the nth degree for believing some faggot that spammed Girlvinyl's talk page, and for their total lack of proper spelling and grammar.

These utterly fucktarded internet rejects, having grown tired of fapping to furry pr0n and watching Nickelodeon, decided to mess with the big men at ED. Firstly, they decided that a civil war was well in order - OMG BLOODSHED! This involved a 20 minute vandalism spree involving 3 sockpuppets on their shitty editthis.info wiki, and a very, very inept bureaucrat who decided that it wasn't fun when vandalism happened to you.

Shortly after this epic internets battle, ED was hit by a flood of spambots, passwords were stolen, and bank accounts were emptied. This lasted approximately 3 seconds after one of the admins promptly banned the one single account and its IP.

Continuing with their delusions of grandeur, the Ultraviolet News Network "turned down" an alliance with the "GNAA". No one is sure why the GNAA would be wasting their time there. Recently, their site notice has informed their lusers that the FCC has been notified of ED.

	“	My friends, the Federal Communications Commission has been notified about Encyclopedia Dramatica. They will do something about it, I hope.	„
	—This story is still unfolding.

Why the fuck is a secret internet war happening behind your backs?

According to a very reliable source, a proposed series of events occurred to incite this "war":

• Vendetta Arachnoid discovers ED, and enjoys it very much in comparison to the crummy, small-time troll wiki he visits.
  • All members of said wiki are either foreign or 13-year-old boys.
• In an effort to boost his "cred", Vendetta Arachnoid aligns himself to ED, without informing anyone from ED, and proceeds to trash his own wiki.
• In order to curry favor with ED, he has ED take credit for said retarded vandalism, and pisses off his fellow b00bs.
• Said b00bs decide to start a war without official declaration, which we know is always wise.

Their leader then graces ED with his presence.

Retaliation? Moar like faggitation, amirite?!

Upon discovery of ED, their leader left this message:

The Coldheart Family and The Insider Society Strikes!

I am Don Delrasi Coldheart, The Don or Godfather (which is leader) of The Coldheart Family, a online vandal mafia family. We are here to put a end to this disgraceful piece of shit known as Encyclopedia Dramatica. We Ask for total surrender or else the attacks shall continue and you will soon see vandalbots. To end our attacks you must comply with the following:

1. I, Don Delrasi Coldheart, am made a Bureaucrat and Sysop here.
2. All other admins will lose their powers and no resistance shall take place.
3. And finally, ED will serve as the new base for The Family and Insider Society.

Please comply with these askings. They aren't much and you'll still be able to edit here only not that disgusting articles and something more proper. Please do so now. Thank You.

Sincerely,

Don Delrasi Coldheart, Godfather of The Coldheart Family

Much lulz ensued behind their pitifully scrawny backs.

The Timeline of "War"

The epic battle that never was

Don Coldheart has been forced to relinquish control to his friend's sister - for now!

From the Ultraviolet Wiki, verbatim (click on the [+] to expand each section) :

[-+]The Date of Wednesday the 20th

• Encyclopedia Dramatica begins to cause chaos and many members of The Coldheart Family suggest war should be started, however some do not.

[-+]The Date of Thursday the 21st

• For unknown reasons after The Coldheart Family Underboss, Vendeta Arachnoid, suggested a alliance with Encyclopedia Dramatica to Don Delrasi Coldheart - he agrees.

[-+]The Date of Friday the 22nd

• The Ultraviolet Editthis is opened at 6PM UTC Time Zone to all users from Wikians, to MySpace, and Vandals mostly.
• It is learned that Vendeta Arachnoid blackmailed Don Delrasi Coldheart into making a alliance with Encyclopedia Dramatica because Vendeta attempted to takeover the editthis and agreed to give it back to Don Delrasi Coldheart if he made the alliance.
• Don Delrasi Coldheart takes away Vendeta Arachnoids Administrative power at Ultraviolet as well as his power as the Underboss of The Coldheart Family and bans him from Ultraviolet. Also he annihilates the alliance with Encyclopedia Dramatica and prepares for a possible war with them.

[-+]The Date of Saturday the 23rd

• Vendeta Arachnoid uses his Vandal Bot to hack Don Delrasi Coldheart's account and spread rumors about Vendeta's own mafia family, The Arachnoid Family, which was confirmed to exist at Encyclopedia Dramatica as The Arachnoid Family made a alliance with Encyclopedia Dramatica.
• The Coldheart Family makes a well needed alliance with The Insider Society which is led by Insider.

[-+]The Date of Sunday the 24th

• Ultraviolet is attacked by Stealth Arachnoid Family Vandal Bots as none of their edits appeared in the history or recent changes. It was learned that this is because a proxy created by the Arachnoid Family perhaps at an editthis Base they control.

[-+]The Date of Monday the 25th

• Coldheart Family spies make an amazing discovery learning about The Arachnoid Family's Editthis Base, Cuthroat Island, [1]. However Don Vendeta Arachnoid of the rival Arachnoid Family has made in inaccessible.
• The Vandal Insider is created as The Official and First Monthly Vandal Magazine which will begin its distribution with its first magazine in October.
• The Propositions page is made to decide after the September 24th Stealth Attacks if The Coldheart Family should declare war against Wikia, Encyclopedia Dramatica, and mostly The Arachnoid Family.

[-+]The Date of Tuesday the 26th

• Ultraviolet was once again attacked by Encyclopedia Dramatica, this time without Stealth. The user Kazikomo vandalized multiple pages with offensive messages and good regards to Encyclopedia Dramatica saying they will win the war, they shall have victory. Kazikomo was banned by Don Delrasi Coldheart. Another minor attack followed by 1, and his sockpupet accounts 11 and 111. Only 1 and 111 got banned as 11 joined The Coldheart Family and quit the spamming.
• All though many oppose the war many support due to the fact as seen in Recent Changes that the Encyclopedia Dramatica vandals attacked today. Thus their is a high chance that a war will commence on Friday.

[-+]The Date of Wednesday the 27th

• Once more another Encyclopedia Dramatica & Arachnoid Family Vandal, sent by Don Vendeta Arachnoid and Girvykyn to destroy Ultraviolet, attacks. He goes by the name of black person. Lucky enough within ten to fifteen minutes of the attack Don Delrasi Coldheart arrived and banned him and reverted the damage. Most of the damage were reacial messages against The Coldheart Family. Once more this definitely increases the chance of war.
• Minutes later a user named Black Cock Down arrived to vandalize for ED. It was most likely Damn Nigger again and Black Cock Down was immediately blocked and the damage immediately reverted.
• A huge day in the history of The Coldheart Family. Early morning the alliance between The Coldheart Family and the Insider Society was canceled and a war now commences between The Insider Society and The Coldheart Family. The plans for war are being made with Editthis and MySpace, our allies.

[-+]The Date of Thursday the 28th

• After the commencing of the war, two major Vandal attacks from the Insider Society took place. One that was quickly reverted and followed the banning of all Insider Society members here, and one after dark when no users were on and nearly crippled the site. Many pages had to be restored and reverted and still the reverting process continues as nearly every single page available to be vandalized was vandalized.
• After multiple attacks from The Insider Society, Don Delrasi Coldheart announces The Coldheart Family's surrender during the third attack by Draco. He announces it on The Coldheart Surrender page and discuses it on the talk page.

[-+]The Date of Friday the 29th

• As The Insider War enters its third day of combat with mainly victories for The Insider Society much has occurred. Just after the major damage from The Absolute Nvvm attack

[-+]The Date of Saturday the 30th

• Today after four days of combat The Insider War finally ends with a peace treaty and alliance between The Insider Society and Coldheart Family that came after the Family's surrender was official. Now the recovery process begins.
• Unfortunately, the Gay Nigger Association of America (GNAA) has attacked this wiki and our leader, Don Delrasi Coldheart, and a very deep, dark secret leaked through this wiki which may jeopardize the lives of two of the users here, the leaders of The Family.
• Today it is revealed that Don Vendeta Arachnoid was Don Delrasi Coldheart all along. Coldheart planned to try and make The Arachnoid Family stronger than The Coldheart Family but The Coldheart Family would still destroy it. This was basically a attempt to try and make Wikia fear The Coldheart Family.

[-+]The Date of Sunday the 1st

• Atilla, former second in command of The Insider Society takes it over today at The Insider Society Editthis and makes herself the leader and Draco the second in command. However Quentin Duck soon arrives and takes back the Insider Society and thus Insider II gives the rank of leader of The Insider Society to Quentin Duck with Don Delrasi Coldheart as second in command.
• When the shields at Ultraviolet are let down for ten minutes to let in new Insider Society recruits about six enemy vandals enter, three from Encyclopedia Dramatica which were immediately banned and three more from a new vandal group that declares war against The Coldheart Family, The Catsrule Mafia which is believed to be a faction of Encyclopedia Dramatica created to destroy The Coldheart Family. Anyhow The Dramatica War truly begins between The Coldheart Family and its ally the Insider Society and The Catsrule Mafia along with Encyclopedia Dramatica.

[-+]The Date of Monday the 2nd

• Today Natsuko Takeshima, a sysop here, alerted the Federal Communications Commission or FCC about Encyclopedia Dramatica and that it should be shut down, so hopefully Encyclopedia Dramatica will be shut down in less than a month or so.

[-+]The Date of ??? (because no one cares anymore)

• A Petition to Fully annihilate Encyclopedia Dramatica from the face of the Internet has been sent to the FCC. Please vote on it here. Thank You for your Cooperation. Also The Dramatica War has begun against Encyclopedia Dramatica and now Catsrule Mafia and The GNAA. We need all the support we can get so sign up to The Coldheart Family in the talk page under the volunteers section. Thank You All.

Secret Internets Mafias Wars Declared in Secret on the Coldheart Family or Whoever

The Cats Rule secret internet cats mafia wiki has declared secret internets war on the Coldheart family. The Cats Rule Internets mafia appears to consist entirely of cats who rule.

Don Delrasi surrenders

	“	Ok but listen I AM DON DELRASI COLDHEART! I come to speak with you guys so please let me speak first. A few of our members went solo to create their own mobs. I know that the tables have turned and now coldheart is week but the other two families are allied and very powerful. I offer every bit of my soul and service to you all. Please let the coldhearts and cats be allies!	„
	—He didn't realize that confessing to being a 13-year-old boy was a bannable offense.

Gallery

The shit that started it all.

• 
  "Why are we wasting our time here?"
• 
  Big Bad Don is in trouble with his parents!
• 
  "ED spies??? In my wiki???" It's moar likely than you think.
• 
  Death is serious business on UNN.

External Links

Warning! The fucking pussies have turned off registration

• Warning: Lulz come from tears

Note-You need an account. Courtesy of our beloved friends at ED, you can view it using:

User:Doggles
Password:123123

Or, just use bugmenot.

Actually, you need to be an Administrator or a Bureaucrat to see ANY FUCKING THING!

SWFanon Accounts of Coldheart Family members

• Darth Coldheart (aka: Darth Vacatour, Zotoros Infinite, Jimbo Kennedy and many other names)
• His account before being banned
• C3PO the Dragon Slayer (lol aspie)

See Also

• Kevin & Kell Another group of persistent failed vandals
• SpleeNfat
• Vandalism
• 13 year old boys

	Ultraviolet News Network is part of a series on Taking Down ED [Retreat!Do It Faggot]
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Ultraviolet News Network is a part of a series on Wikis

Featured article October 3, 2006
Preceded by Quizilla	Ultraviolet News Network	Succeeded by Mark Foley