Latest revision as of 06:16, 13 January 2023

This person has Assburgers Syndrome,
so you can't say anything bad! :-(

Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.

	“	I'm a worthless, ignorant, selfish gutter-turd.	„
	— Benford21.

Benjamin David Ford (also known as Benford, Benford21, ThisLife103.7, Courageous1993, Mr. T, TellatrixForever, DuneCoonHater, Caveman [a self-given nickname that no one calls him], Catmongler, and Worthless Gutter Turd) is a 20-year-old societal leech from Marion, Arkansas.

His hobbies include lurking on forums full of thirteen-year-old girls, raging to said thirteen-year-old girls about how Arabs did WTC, jacking it (often while talking to unsuspecting persons on Skype), and writing, posting, and fapping to numerous pornographic fanfiction stories in which Tig Trager from Sons of Anarchy fucks Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter. Benford, or Ben as he's known to his friends, is notable for his tendency to TMI and his disgusting habit of feeding his semen to his cats.

About Ben

This is the exact expression he usually wears. Also lol the confederate flag behind him

	“	[9:49:52 PM] Ben: Where is 'Start'?	„
	—This pretty much sums up Ben in a few words

Ben's self-described life goal is to be the Biggest Redneck he possibly can; for this reason, he attempts a Southern Drawl in his speakin' and his writin', but it always comes out soundin' pretty darn Gay, y'hear? The general consensus of everyone who has spoken to Ben is that he is "the most boring person I ever talked to". His incredibly lazy posting habits, strange habit of Capitalizing Random words, and autistic belief that people will automatically understand what the fuck he's talking about leave most readers scratching their heads when trying to decipher the meanings of his one-line (or one-word) long replies to questions that should warrant answers of a tl;dr nature. It should also be Pointed Out that his seemingly Random Abuse of capitalization is very Similar to that displayed by GoddessMillenia and Chris-Chan.

Jim Crow, who conversed with him on the phone several times, also commented on his low, annoying, wheezy voice and monotonous way of speaking, to the effect that he sounds like a 70 year old man with emphysema instead of the 20 year old he claims to be.

Other Benfacts expanded upon below include:

he's tried to suck his own cock, but couldn't reach because he was too fat
he tried (and succeeded) to put a plunger in his ass
but he's not gay and he'll fuck you up if you say he is
he still asks his mother for permission before joining websites/downloading things/chatting with people, despite being 20
he listens to Marine Corps cadences while masturbating
his cats lick his underwear, for some reason, and he's more than happy to tell you about it
he has a fetish for giant condoms (you can't make this shit up)
His grandpa calls him Captain Fart

Purchase of lolcow

One of these is not typically found in the same camp as the other two

During 2011-2012, the Bellatrix Lestrange Forum was populated by women who wished they could write but were too dumb to leave the kitchen, female authors of shitty gay smut, teenaged girls with Aspergers and Serious Problems With Society's Conformist Culture … and a 5 foot 7, 200 pound manchild called Benjamin David Ford. Ben liked to talk about many things: rednecks, country music, the military, rednecks, guns, Sons of Anarchy, rednecks, Bellatrix Lestrange having sex with Tig Trager, rednecks, his own masturbation habits, rednecks, rednecks, and rednecks. He frequently ignored thread topics to rant about Michael Moore, gun control, and communism.

In one thread about fake cybersex, he posted messages implying rape and other misogynistic things. Also of note is the fact that Ben admitted in a private message that he masturbated to the cyberthread's contents, which consisted mostly of 12 year old girls talking about whipped cream. Some other members eventually ran him out of the thread, threatening to have him banned if he ever posted in it again.

Ben continued to harass other girls with vaguely sexual comments, ham-fisted romantic overtures, and one apathetic proposal to the forum’s admin, until he banned himself for sockpuppeting (and afterwards he admitted that he didn't even know why he created the sockpuppet, which didn't do anything except discuss sharks and the military), which happen to be fixations of Ben's.

	“	Hi. I'm Quinn. I'm from Florida. I love Bellatrix because she's just awesome. For me, personally, I'm a fan of Harry/Bellatrix. I know it ain't a pairing a lot of people support, but I do.	„
	—This is totally not Ben pretending to be someone else.

	“	Naw. I live in Miami and I'm 30. Catilin: I ain't going to hate anyone for it. CG: Yeah. That's why I like it. It's a challenge. Listen, I gotta go.	„
	—Nope, not at all

	“	I don't know why I did it. I really don't. I am sincerely sorry for deceiving you all. And I'm sorry for being a worthless gutter turd. I'm leaving the Forum for a while. If you want to ban me, I won't be surprised in the least	„
	—He came back a week later btw

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|HER ROCKS METAMORPHOSED INTO THE UTERUS OF TIME BUT THE WALLS OF MEAT EXPELLED HER|The hobo is quoting the Wikipedia article on The Passion of New Eve

|WHAT?!?!?!?!%(#+$#(Q&$Q#&%_(#Q)*&%_(Q?|Ben’s last thoughts on the subject}}

Politics

	“	Don't be fooled by the Neocons. Don't be deceived by the mainstream media. It's mostly all lies and propaganda to pit us against each other. Whether we like it or not, we're all in this together and we need to destroy the banking cartels and the evil tyrants in control. Big government only ends in despotism. End The Fed. Restore the Republic. Live Free Or Die.	„
	—Ben, summarizing his political opinions here.

Politically, Ben is so far to the right even the most hardcore Republicans wouldn't touch him. He’s a member of the Tea Party, but even they’re not extreme enough for his needs.

Gun control is a particularly sore issue with Ben, since he believes guns should be completely unregulated and anyone who thinks otherwise is anti-American; something he'll tell you about at every possible opportunity. At one point he told Jim Crow that in order to buy an RPG, one should have to pass a three-day background check.

His Facebook is filled with anti-Obama macros. When asked why he didn’t like Obama, Ben explained that the current president spent a lot of money on his inauguration ceremony, and this is extremely naughty and he should be assassinated for it. He believes communism is the source of all evil (when in reality it is the Jewish race, as any good Aryan soldier would know) and has expressed a vehement dislike for Stalin, Pol Pot, and Michael Moore. Notably, he claimed that these people were worse than Hitler by merit of being dirty commies, and said that he would disown any child of his that joined the communist party.

He has also expressed a fervent belief in the existence of bigfoot and other conspiracy theories. However, he still denies the existence of ZOG:

	“	Motorpenis: thats like saying jews didn't do wtc Benjamin Ford: They didn't. Motorpenis: oh they got you too huh Benjamin Ford: What's wrong with Jews? Motorpenis: nothing is wrong with jews Motorpenis: it's just they masterminded the greatest tragedy of our lifetime, and they're ruling the world and plotting the slaughter of the master race Benjamin Ford: Jasper, I'm gonna need you to stop insinuating that Jews did 9/11.	„
	—Ben, denying Jewish crimes

Women of Ben

”BTW, next year, on my Birthday or whenver, she's going to have a Threesome with me, and another girl”

Ben has a habit of sucking up to women in the hope they might give him tits. Because he is a disgusting, smelly manchild (read up and down for evidence), they never do.

Ben claims to have gotten laid with this girl, but these claims are dubious. Really dubious. His description of how they met sounds a lot more like a porno setup than an actual prelude to fucking. In a voice chat with some trolls a few months after this, he said that he had broken up with her, but had forgotten why. When called on this, he changed his story and said it was because she cheated on him, possibly with a trucker, depending on when you ask.

The most important woman in Ben's life is his mother. At 20 years old, Ben asked her permission to join fanfiction.net, and to download Skype, and to chat with people. His reasoning is "Her house, her rules", which he repeats every time somebody points out how completely emasculated he is. Ben has been photographed wearing her clothing, which makes him a transvestite. He apparently likes older women, too. The implications are disturbing, yeah?

	“	I might be getting it tommorow. Me and My Mom are going to look at it in the Evening.	„
	—Ben's mom wants to make sure Skype is ok for her babby

	“	And can I go get my Mom	„
	—His reaction to conflict

	“	My Mom doesn't know you guys	„
	—According to him, his mom has to approve all websites he joins "because it's her Computer." Remember, he's 20 now.

	“	PLAGOANDE: ben did your mom tell you to turn off the computer and go to bed Ben: She told me to end the conversation with my first comment. PLAGOANDE: ben, you're a grown man. you can talk to whomever you please. Ben: Her house, her rules	„
	—He has used that exact phrase to explain his spinelessness on numerous occasions

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Ben and the Women

The number of stupid little bitchfights he gets into with his friendzonefriends is so high it cannot be counted in numbers, and few are worth mentioning, but the pattern typically goes like this: Ben says something insensitive/creepy/really retarded; people get freaked out and tell him to stfu; Ben spams the offended party's friends with self-loathing messages; these friends call him a stupid douche. This happens regularly until people start blocking him.

One incident in particular is worth mentioning, and this is his creepery of a female writer called TuesdayNovember. After sending her a lot of very disturbing messages with vaguely sexual content, some of which implied rape, he started making public posts about his desire to fuck her (example in gallery). Terrified by the thought of being raped by a 200lb manchild, TuesdayNovember then told her hacker on steroids boyfriend, who thought it was lulzy instead of raging incoherently like everybody else.

Ben is really, really good at dissing himself… after all, there’s so much to work with.
95% of this forum is under the age of 13
This is how
His audience here is a bunch of lolis.
Oh hey thar little suzy, whacha think of ass to mouth?
Sadly they do not catch on and relieve him of his burden
Ben probably wrote this, half the words are capitalized and it’s just flat out retarded

Jim Crow

Jim Crow was the mastermind responsible for most of Ben’s trolling. He is currently on the run from the law for killing his ex-girlfriend by beheading her with an automatic garage door and having sex with the still warm corpse, and for evading child support payments for 50 children. He is also the only person alive to have spoken with Ben's mother on the phone.

The following are excerpts from Ben’s chats with Jim Crow:

	“	[9:09:46 PM] Benjamin Ford: I'm a conservative anarchist, Jim.	„

	“	[9:23:09 PM] Benjamin Ford: It's all lies created by the Government	„

	“	[9:33:02 PM] Jim Crow: ben what was the best lay you ever had [9:33:10 PM] Benjamin Ford: I'm a virgin.	„

	“	[10:00:32 PM] Jim Crow: what do you take [10:00:46 PM] Benjamin Ford: Conserta and Levox [10:02:23 PM] Benjamin Ford: Without a spell Checker, I'm a bit Sloppy. [10:02:37 PM] Jim Crow: i can tell	„
	—*Concerta and Luvox.

	“	[10:05:13 PM] Jim Crow: time to put on my blackface and rob people	„

	“	[4:55:40 PM] Benjamin Ford: Jim, you idiot. [4:55:44 PM] Benjamin Ford: My Daddy ain't fat.	„
	—He's lying about his dad, btw.

	“	[4:42:54 PM] Benjamin Ford: No. I unloaded 3 cases of cans of cream soda for my Mom from her car. [4:44:01 PM] Jim Crow: that is a lot of cream soda ben [4:44:10 PM] Jim Crow: do you drink all the cream soda yourself [4:44:12 PM] Benjamin Ford: Not really. Only a few dozen cans.	„

	“	[4:44:43 PM] Jim Crow: soda makes you fat [4:44:50 PM] Benjamin Ford: I don't drink it all at once. [4:44:56 PM] Benjamin Ford: And I'm already fat.	„
	—Why not get fatter?

	“	[4:57:14 PM] Benjamin Ford: I might make a horrible Marine, but I do have Marine Green in me. [4:57:25 PM] Jim Crow: what the fuck does that have to do with anything [4:57:37 PM] Benjamin Ford: My Granddaddy was a Marine for 20 years.	„
	—FUCK YOU MY GRANDDADDY WAS A DRAGON

	“	[5:04:05 PM] Jim Crow: are you crying? [5:04:09 PM] Jim Crow: did i hurt your feelings? [5:04:20 PM] Benjamin Ford: I don't have feelings, Jim.	„

	“	[5:04:51 PM] Benjamin Ford: Jim, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.	„
	—I'm gonna have to ask you to come in on Saturday...

	“	[5:11:03 PM] Benjamin Ford: You do know I don't care if you do, right?	„
	—Ben on the creation of his then-upcoming ED page.

	“	[5:15:10 PM] Benjamin Ford: I do not think I'm the epitomy of toughness. And I'm not arrogant. [5:15:36 PM] Benjamin Ford: Unlike you, I don't go trolling around, pretending to be someone's friend, only to start insulting them. [5:15:54 PM] Benjamin Ford: Quite frankly, you disgust me, Jim Crow.	„

	“	[5:19:49 PM] Jim Crow: DID YOU EVEN LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAID TO YOU THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION	„
	—No.

	“	[5:22:21 PM] Benjamin Ford: And please do not create an ed page. [5:22:29 PM] Jim Crow: why should i not [5:22:33 PM] Jim Crow: do that [5:22:52 PM] Benjamin Ford: Because I am asking you politely, and I am sorry for insulting you with my very exisitance.	„

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Jim Crow then hacked the computers of all of Ben’s ‘friends’ and stole their personal information so that he could cruelly troll Ben. He was the one who dropped Ben’s dox later on. They'll be up when he stops being a cunt.

Ben and the Magic Hobo

After receiving an onslaught of nonsense messages and the full text of Moby Dick in Russian from ofMiceandBen, Ben turned to TuesdayNovember for help. The result was Ben in his mother’s bra. The lead-up to that involves traumatic head-injury, massive boners, and a prophet hobo.

Ben also confirmed later to Jim Crow, David Duke, and 1000 dead jews in the oven that the bra picture was his after it appeared on /b/. Due to the massive amounts of spam text between the lulzy parts, this side of the conversation is presented in text quotes.

	“	hey do you want to see a picture of my enormous schlong? i'm selling them for 50 cents apiece to get hooker money	„
	—He does, secretly

	“	Jasper, you need to go see a doctor.	„
	—Ben, thinking it’s still TuesdayNovember’s boyfriend talking to him and not an evil hobo

	“	i can't go see a docotor i have to save my money for hookers	„
	—A docotor

	“	She said you wanted some pictures, right?	„
	—Ben offers to expose himself

	“	Jasper, you need to fight the Hobo possesing you.	„
	—The best part is that he was serious

	“	FIGHT THE FREAKIN' HOBO!!	„
	—Fight da powa

	“	HER ROCKS METAMORPHOSED INTO THE UTERUS OF TIME BUT THE WALLS OF MEAT EXPELLED HER	„
	—The hobo is quoting the Wikipedia article on The Passion of New Eve

	“	WHAT?!?!?!?!%(#+$#(Q&$Q#&%_(#Q)*&%_(Q?	„
	—Ben’s last thoughts on the subject

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Also, this.

	“	Apparently, she convinced Ben that he had been possessed by a hobo I brought home one day. He told me to "Pray the hobo out" or something, and he was dead fucking serious when he said it. I told him the hobo demanded pictures of people named Ben in their mother's bras. So he took a picture of himself wearing his mom's massive bra and put it on Photobucket.	„
	—As told by Jim Crow

Cat Monglers Anonymous

The cat in question. Ben fucked her to death shortly after this incident.

This came about when Ben revealed to sex_pilus during a rather sexually charged conversation that his cats enjoyed licking up his semen and that he let them lick it off his dirty underwear, something he'd hinted about in forum posts. Apparently, he thought talking about using his cats as sex toys would turn her on.

Within moments of this disgusting revelation, there were at least 100 (more like 5) trolls on Skype waiting to inform Ben of the deep shit he was while Jim Crow made calls to the Marion, Arkansas police and reported the catmongler. Ben seemed to think the police would not arrest him if he said he did not do anything, and was more concerned with his reputation.

It is worth noting that he disappeared for a week or so after this, and wouldn't tell anyone where he went.

[10:56:42 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: Don't you just love that electric shock
When my penis murmurs inside your mouth
[10:57:00 PM] sex_pilus: yes
[10:57:08 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: :3
[11:10:20 PM]1000 dead jews in the oven: the big man himself arrives!
[11:10:32 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WHAT DO YOU WANT
[11:10:41 PM] Mr. T: You three are sick in the fucking head
[11:11:02 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: what are you talking about
[11:11:24 PM] Mr. T: Why did you accuse me of screwing my cats? That's sick!
[11:11:57 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: ben! why would you even think of doing such a thing? that's disgusting!
[11:12:12 PM] Mr. T: Why the hell are you two accusing me then?
[11:12:20 PM] Mr. T: And then who's sending me all these messages?
[11:12:23 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: me
[11:12:25 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: duh
[11:12:32 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: i'm asking you
[11:12:37 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: why you're thinking about your cats like that
[11:12:44 PM] Mr. T: I don't!
[11:12:53 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: PROVE IT
[11:13:01 PM] Mr. T: HOW?!
[11:13:08 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: YOU KNOW HOW
[11:13:29 PM] Mr. T: Screwing a woman?
[11:13:50 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: good luck finding one
[11:14:02 PM] Mr. T: HOW THEN?
[11:14:08 PM] Mr. T: Writing?
[11:14:30 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: NO
[11:14:38 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: NO BEN THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER
[11:14:51 PM] Mr. T: YOU'RE NO LAUGHING MATTER
[11:15:08 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: YOUR CATS ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER!!!1
[11:15:14 PM] Mr. T: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?
[11:15:21 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: I WANT PROOF THAT YOU DID NOT RAPE YOUR CATS
[11:15:21 PM] Mr. T: I OUGHT TO FUCKING BLOCK YOU
[11:15:25 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: omg
[11:15:27 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: why would you do that
[11:15:29 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: =(
[11:15:33 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: ben, how could you do such a thing to poor jasper?
[11:15:35 PM] Mr. T: For making up such lies
[11:15:39 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: that's so mean, ben!
[11:15:48 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: he has your best interests in mind, you know
[11:15:53 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: and your cats'
[11:15:58 PM] Mr. T: Shut up Jasper.
[11:16:16 PM] Mr. T: I have never fucked a cat in my life, and I never will.
[11:16:28 PM] Mr. T: What led you two to believe that I do?
[11:16:44 PM] laz0rman: Well, it’s mostly the fact that your kitty cats are addicted to semen...
[11:16:56 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: ostensibly yours
[11:17:02 PM] Mr. T: WTF
[11:17:16 PM] Mr. T: And I found out I was wrong.
[11:17:26 PM] Mr. T: They were licking my tank tops, not my underwear.
[11:17:27 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: i'm listening to intestinal disgorge right now.
[11:17:34 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: sure ben sure
[11:17:38 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: don't lie to
[11:17:39 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WAIT
[11:17:39 PM] Mr. T: Don't change the fucking subject
[11:17:44 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WAIT A SECOND
[11:17:53 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: THAT IMPLIES THERE ARE SEMEN STAINES IN YOUR UNDERPANTS
[11:18:02 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: HOMFG
[11:18:07 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WTF DO YOU DO IN PUBLIC
[11:18:08 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: and his tank tops...?
[11:18:13 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: those too
[11:18:22 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: but he did not deny the semen in his underwear
[11:18:22 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: messy facials or something?
[11:18:23 PM] Mr. T: THERE AIN'T NO SEMEN STAINS IN MY CLOTHES
[11:18:30 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WHAT DO YOU CLEAN THEM WITH
[11:18:40 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: BECAUSE SOMETIMES
[11:18:47 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: THE WHORES ARE LIKE MAN YOU CUM TOO MUCH
[11:18:51 PM] Mr. T: You're implying that I get any.
[11:18:53 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: IT GETS KIND OF MESSY BECAU
[11:18:58 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: oh right
[11:18:59 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: you're a virgin
[11:19:07 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: except for furry…
[11:19:15 PM] Mr. T: I don't do furry
[11:19:19 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: you have a clear case of furfaggotry.
[11:19:22 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: why ben why
[11:19:23 PM] Mr. T: You have a sick mind. All of you do.
[11:19:25 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: why are you sick like that
[11:19:28 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: i'm not the fursuiter
[11:19:33 PM] Mr. T: You're sick for thinking that way!
[11:19:35 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: i'm not the one who wears a fursuit
[11:19:45 PM] Mr. T: I don't own a fursuit
[11:19:49 PM] laz0rman: OH, SO YOU RENT ONE!?
[11:20:02 PM] Mr. T: NO I DON'T RENT ONE
[11:20:12 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: YOU THIEF!!!
[11:20:22 PM] Mr. T: I don't steal them either
[11:20:30 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: oh ok
[11:20:33 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: do you sew them?
[11:20:35 PM] Mr. T: I don't even know what they look like.
[11:20:36 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: that does make sense as he's always talking about sewing...
[11:20:52 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: then how do you know you don't own one ben
[11:20:56 PM] Mr. T: How can I sew what I've never seen.
[11:20:56 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: if you don't know what they are
[11:21:06 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: how can you deny something you don't know?
[11:21:07 PM] Mr. T: I know what they are, I've just never seen them.
[11:21:14 PM] Mr. T: Not up close.
[11:21:38 PM] laz0rman: http://dreamcainineproject.webs.com/photos/Fursuits--we-did-not-make-these/fursuit%2022.jpg this could be you
[11:21:43 PM] Mr. T: Plus, I wouldn't know how to sew one up.
[11:21:53 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: you know how to sew handbags or whatever it is you make
[11:21:56 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: or cat skins
[11:22:00 PM] Mr. T: I sew patches.
[11:22:05 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: cat skin patches?
[11:22:08 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: omg he skins his cats o_o
[11:22:14 PM] Soylent Ginger Ale: and makes fursuits out of them
[11:22:14 PM] Mr. T: Embroidered patches.
[11:22:15 PM] Mr. T: You idiots.
[11:22:22 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: there's more than one way to do it you know
[11:22:42 PM] Mr. T: I don't have catskin patches.
[11:22:51 PM] Mr. T:|And I definitely don't own a furry suit
[11:22:58 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: that's what they all say
[11:23:05 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: but omg
[11:23:07 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: you have dogs too
[11:23:13 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: furries like dogs even more...
[11:23:14 PM] Mr. T: You sick fuck
[11:23:16 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: BEN WHAT DO YOU DO
[11:23:17 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WITH YOUR DOGS
[11:23:21 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: I'M CALLING THE POLICE
[11:23:23 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: AND THE ASPCA
[11:23:26 PM] Mr. T: I DON'T DO NOTHING!!
[11:23:39 PM] Mr. T: Dying aloneI'm a freaking virgin!
[11:23:41 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: I AHVE THE PHONE IN FRONT OF ME
[11:23:50 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE BEN
[11:23:51 PM] Mr. T: I've never done anything except with my own hands
[11:23:57 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: and a toilet plunger.
[11:23:59 PM] Mr. T: NO YOU DON'T
[11:24:00 PM] laz0rman: and a screwdriver
[11:24:02 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: yes i do
[11:24:04 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: it's right here
[11:24:07 PM] Mr. T: Where then?
[11:24:08 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: in front of me
[11:24:11 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: idiot
[11:24:18 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: i am goatseopening it
[11:24:18 PM] Mr. T: Prove it
[11:24:25 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: yes ben i can totally prove that
[11:24:32 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: i'll take a pic
[11:24:32 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: oh
[11:24:35 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: you mean where you live
[11:24:41 PM] Mr. T: Yeah
[11:25:17 PM] Mr. T: I'm going to bed now.
[11:25:19 PM] Jim Crow: you ARE benjamin david ford of [address redacted, see below], right?
[11:25:26 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: :3
[11:25:32 PM] Mr. T: Goodnight
[11:25:39 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: fine
[11:25:51 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: have fun getting assraped by peta bubba
 [11:31:41 PM] Jim Crow: the cops should be at his house any minute
[11:32:38 PM] Mr. T: Guys, please.
[11:32:39 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: hi jim
[11:32:41 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: ^
[11:32:44 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: see above
[11:33:06 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: IF YOU HAD JUST STAID AND TAKEN OUR RIGHTEOUS ABUSE BEN, WE WOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THAT.
[11:33:11 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: but you forced ourhand, mr hands
[11:33:16 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: you made us do it
[11:33:46 PM] laz0rman: omfg i bet he’s telling his parents now
[11:33:53 PM] laz0rman: OR ARE YOU HIDING THE CATS?
[11:34:33 PM] Mr. T: Guys, why the hell do you think I would do something like that?
[11:34:52 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: ben i really wouldn't be worried about what anyone on here thinks if i were you
[11:34:57 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: you have bigger problems
[11:35:03 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: like the people coming to arrest you
[11:35:26 PM] Mr. T: I've done nothing wrong.
[11:35:35 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: yes ben that'
[11:35:41 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: ll totally make them go away
[11:35:50 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: 'i didn't do it officer'
[11:35:54 PM] Mr. T: I have never done anything inappropriate to a cat in my life.
[11:35:57 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: 'okay sry have a nice day'
[11:36:29 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: so what are you going to do now ben?
[11:36:32 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: i mean
[11:36:37 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: your anal virginity is at stake
[11:36:43 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: they will arrest you
[11:36:46 PM] Jim Crow: my tip is pretty credible
[11:37:06 PM] Jim Crow: especially the part about how you talked about your cats licking up your semen
[11:37:09 PM] Jim Crow: i mena thats just sick
[11:37:21 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: why would you even tell anyone that, much less do it?
[11:38:05 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: BEN THE CATS
[11:38:07 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: THE CATS MAN
[11:38:15 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WHY
[11:38:17 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: WHY DID YOU DO IT
[11:38:21 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!!!
[11:38:24 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: TELL ME
[11:38:27 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
[11:38:53 PM] Mr. T: Jim, I hate you.
[11:38:58 PM] Commissar Alien Jesus: that’s not very nice
[11:39:01 PM] Mr. T: You are such a liar.
[11:39:19 PM] Jim Crow: i am not
[11:39:25 PM] Jim Crow: i tell the truth
[11:39:27 PM] Jim Crow: all the time
[11:39:28 PM] Jim Crow: every time
[11:39:34 PM] Jim Crow: 100% of the time
[11:39:37 PM] Jim Crow: 110%
[11:40:38 PM] Jim Crow: god just say it you verbose motherfucker
[11:41:48 PM] Jim Crow: WELL?
[11:44:20 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: he still hasn’t signed off, though.
[11:52:38 PM] laz0rman: lol I guess they're at his house.
[11:52:49 PM] laz0rman: buttraping him with their batons.
[11:53:00 PM] laz0rman: like he buttrapes his pets.
[11:53:10 PM] laz0rman: with his deformed 5 inch meat baton.

Suicide Incident

In mid-2012, Ben apathetically e-dated a girl for a few weeks before deciding to break up with her, though not before talking to her about feeding semen to his cats, believing this would turn her on. This relationship was the origin of the above chat.

He was so indifferent to this relationship that when his ‘girlfriend’ told him she was going to kill herself, his response was a very unemotional “Please don’t.”, because it would (as he said) make him sad since it was his fault, proving that not only does Ben not have any interest in women beyond using them as sex toys, he’s also entirely incapable of giving a fuck about real human beings (but he cried while writing his shitty story, see below).

Kill Yourself

[8/18/2012 10:17:45 PM] 卐卐卐: that reminds me
[8/18/2012 10:17:49 PM] Jasper's Bitch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4em3LKQCAQ
[8/18/2012 10:17:50 PM] 卐卐卐: ben are you and lizzie still dating
[8/18/2012 10:17:54 PM] 卐卐卐: i can't tell
[8/18/2012 10:18:17 PM] Free Hugs: Liz,
[8/18/2012 10:18:28 PM] Free Hugs: I
[8/18/2012 10:18:30 PM] Free Hugs: I
[8/18/2012 10:18:33 PM] 卐卐卐: i
[8/18/2012 10:18:33 PM] 卐卐卐: i
[8/18/2012 10:18:34 PM] 卐卐卐: i
[8/18/2012 10:18:34 PM] 卐卐卐: i
[8/18/2012 10:18:34 PM] 卐卐卐: i
[8/18/2012 10:18:35 PM] 卐卐卐: i
[8/18/2012 10:18:35 PM] 卐卐卐: i
[8/18/2012 10:18:36 PM] Free Hugs: think that we,
[8/18/2012 10:18:41 PM] Free Hugs: are better off
[8/18/2012 10:18:43 PM] 卐卐卐: dead
[8/18/2012 10:18:45 PM] Free Hugs: as friends.
[8/18/2012 10:18:51 PM] 卐卐卐: no
[8/18/2012 10:18:56 PM] 卐卐卐: no ben no
[8/18/2012 10:18:59 PM] 卐卐卐: thats a terrible thing to say
[8/18/2012 10:19:05 PM] Jasper's Bitch: OH MY GOD
[8/18/2012 10:19:05 PM] 卐卐卐: how could you break her heart like this
[8/18/2012 10:19:06 PM] Jasper's Bitch: BEN
[8/18/2012 10:19:09 PM] Jasper's Bitch: I LOVED YOU
[8/18/2012 10:19:22 PM] 卐卐卐: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVZKCwv25Wo
[8/18/2012 10:19:25 PM] 卐卐卐: appropriate
[8/18/2012 10:19:47 PM] Free Hugs: I'm sorry Liz. I'm sorry for this.
[8/18/2012 10:19:49 PM] 卐卐卐: omg
[8/18/2012 10:19:51 PM] 卐卐卐: why ben why
[8/18/2012 10:20:02 PM] 卐卐卐: is it because she's not old and wrinkly enough?
[8/18/2012 10:20:07 PM] Free Hugs: No.
[8/18/2012 10:20:09 PM] 卐卐卐: or is it the stress caused by me hitting on her
[8/18/2012 10:20:10 PM] 卐卐卐: OMG
[8/18/2012 10:20:14 PM] Jasper's Bitch: i'm sorry i don't look more like your mom ben
[8/18/2012 10:20:16 PM] Free Hugs: No.
[8/18/2012 10:20:19 PM] 卐卐卐: YOU LEFT HER BECAUSE OF YOUR LAZINESS
[8/18/2012 10:20:22 PM] 卐卐卐: HOW COULD YOU BEN
[8/18/2012 10:20:25 PM] Free Hugs: It's not that either.
[8/18/2012 10:20:33 PM] 卐卐卐: THIS MAKES ME VERY ANGRY
[8/18/2012 10:20:35 PM] Free Hugs: I thought at first we could give it another go.
[8/18/2012 10:20:37 PM] 卐卐卐: I AM ANGRY GRR
[8/18/2012 10:21:08 PM] Free Hugs: I can't do it.
[8/18/2012 10:21:10 PM] 卐卐卐: of course you can't
[8/18/2012 10:21:21 PM] 卐卐卐: you're lazy and you fail at committing to anything
[8/18/2012 10:21:36 PM] 卐卐卐: of course you wouldn't be able to keep the best woman on earth
[8/18/2012 10:21:39 PM] 卐卐卐: gee-awd
[8/18/2012 10:21:41 PM] 卐卐卐: lizzie come by my place for comfort sex
[8/18/2012 10:21:45 PM] Jasper's Bitch: okay
[8/18/2012 10:22:06 PM] Free Hugs: I'm sorry.
[8/18/2012 10:22:18 PM] 卐卐卐: notice how he does not deny my wordz
[8/18/2012 10:22:34 PM] Jasper's Bitch: i'm the best woman on earth :3
[8/18/2012 10:22:34 PM] Free Hugs: I don't deserve her.
[8/18/2012 10:22:39 PM] 卐卐卐: duh
[8/18/2012 10:22:42 PM] 卐卐卐: to both
[8/18/2012 10:23:27 PM] 卐卐卐: you're a worthless, ignorant, ugly, stupid, lazy, ignorant, ignorant, ignorant, contemptable gutter turd, ben
[8/18/2012 10:23:27 PM] Ben: I fail at everything.
[8/18/2012 10:24:33 PM] 卐卐卐: yes you do
[8/18/2012 10:25:03 PM] 卐卐卐: you are going to die alone ben
[8/18/2012 10:25:06 PM] 卐卐卐: a permavirgin
[8/18/2012 10:25:13 PM] 卐卐卐: with naught but your hand for company
[8/18/2012 10:25:35 PM] Ben: Liz, you're out of my league. Honestly.
[8/18/2012 10:25:47 PM] Jasper's Bitch: yeah i am
[8/18/2012 10:26:31 PM] 卐卐卐: yeah what woman would want to be with an obese dwarf in cowboy boots who destroys floors with his ass
[8/18/2012 10:27:01 PM] 卐卐卐: it's like
[8/18/2012 10:27:08 PM] 卐卐卐: lizzie is literally the hottest woman ever
[8/18/2012 10:27:10 PM] 卐卐卐: and you're like
[8/18/2012 10:27:15 PM] 卐卐卐: disgustiness incarnate
[8/18/2012 10:27:25 PM] 卐卐卐: no wonder you're depressed ben
[8/18/2012 10:27:27 PM] 卐卐卐: you have no future
[8/18/2012 10:27:52 PM] Ben: At least not with a woman.
[8/18/2012 10:28:03 PM] 卐卐卐: OMG WITH A MAN???
[8/18/2012 10:28:09 PM] Ben: Not that either.
[8/18/2012 10:28:13 PM] 卐卐卐: ... a donkey?
[8/18/2012 10:28:36 PM] Ben: Maybe it's best that I not even think about sex.
[8/18/2012 10:28:46 PM] Ben: And hell no on the last one.
[8/18/2012 10:28:57 PM] 卐卐卐: yeah ben
[8/18/2012 10:29:05 PM] 卐卐卐: deny your natural physiology
[8/18/2012 10:29:08 PM] 卐卐卐: like creationism
[8/18/2012 10:29:13 PM] 卐卐卐: YOU DO NOT EVOLVE
[8/18/2012 10:29:21 PM] 卐卐卐: YOU DO NOT ERECT
[8/18/2012 10:29:23 PM] 卐卐卐: YOU DO NOT EJACULATE
[8/18/2012 10:29:59 PM] 卐卐卐: brb, i'll do bad things if you leave while i'm away
[8/18/2012 10:30:25 PM] Ben: Liz
[8/18/2012 10:30:40 PM] Ben: I'm sorry. For everything.
[8/18/2012 10:31:13 PM] 卐卐卐: i'm back
[8/18/2012 10:31:40 PM] Jasper's Bitch: ben you make me sadgry
[8/18/2012 10:31:58 PM] 卐卐卐: ben you make me enraged, lizzie is my best friend/frequent casual sex partner
[8/18/2012 10:32:04 PM] 卐卐卐: how dare you do this to her
[8/18/2012 10:32:46 PM] Jasper's Bitch: BEN
[8/18/2012 10:32:48 PM] Ben: I don't know why I can't hold a relationship. I don't know why it seems
[8/18/2012 10:32:50 PM] Ben: seems
[8/18/2012 10:32:51 PM] 卐卐卐: i do
[8/18/2012 10:32:55 PM] 卐卐卐: i've told you why
[8/18/2012 10:32:57 PM] Jasper's Bitch: I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF THIS
[8/18/2012 10:32:58 PM] 卐卐卐: omg
[8/18/2012 10:32:59 PM] 卐卐卐: make sure you upload it to youtube
[8/18/2012 10:33:00 PM] Ben: LIZZIE DON"T!!
[8/18/2012 10:33:01 PM] Jasper's Bitch: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME
[8/18/2012 10:33:08 PM] Jasper's Bitch: i gave you everything ben
[8/18/2012 10:33:10 PM] Jasper's Bitch: EVERYTHING
[8/18/2012 10:33:16 PM] Jasper's Bitch: my whole life was yours
[8/18/2012 10:33:19 PM] Jasper's Bitch: and now
[8/18/2012 10:33:22 PM] Jasper's Bitch: i'm nothing
[8/18/2012 10:33:29 PM] Ben: Liz, I'll take you back.
[8/18/2012 10:33:37 PM] Ben: Please don't do it.
[8/18/2012 10:33:38 PM] 卐卐卐: yeah ben it totally works like that
[8/18/2012 10:33:46 PM] 卐卐卐: just like you can have do-overs with conversations
[8/18/2012 10:33:47 PM] 卐卐卐: and wow
[8/18/2012 10:33:53 PM] 卐卐卐: you're concerned
[8/18/2012 10:33:57 PM] 卐卐卐: i mean look at you
[8/18/2012 10:34:00 PM] 卐卐卐: "please don't do it."
[8/18/2012 10:34:15 PM] Ben: Please don't yourself Liz! I don't want you to die because of me!
[8/18/2012 10:34:32 PM] Ben: I don't want to ruin your life like I ruined mine.
[8/18/2012 10:34:33 PM] 卐卐卐: OH BUT
[8/18/2012 10:34:39 PM] 卐卐卐: ITS OK IF ITS NOT BECAUSE OF YOU
[8/18/2012 10:34:40 PM] 卐卐卐: RIGHT
[8/18/2012 10:34:52 PM] Ben: I don't want anyone to die.
[8/18/2012 10:35:02 PM] Jasper's Bitch: not anyone?
[8/18/2012 10:35:03 PM] Ben: I don't want you to die, or Jasper, or anyone
[8/18/2012 10:35:09 PM] 卐卐卐: st. benford
[8/18/2012 10:35:16 PM] 卐卐卐: what about alex
[8/18/2012 10:35:18 PM] 卐卐卐: hmm?
[8/18/2012 10:35:25 PM] 卐卐卐: YOU WANT THAT PEDOPHILE TO KEEP MOLESTING CHILDREN!??!?!?!
[8/18/2012 10:35:25 PM] Ben: No one deserves to die. Not even him.
[8/18/2012 10:35:30 PM] Ben: No.
[8/18/2012 10:35:35 PM] 卐卐卐: THEN WHY BEN
[8/18/2012 10:35:36 PM] 卐卐卐: WHY
[8/18/2012 10:35:36 PM] Ben: I don't want him to keep doing that.
[8/18/2012 10:35:42 PM] Ben: I want him in prison. That's it.
[8/18/2012 10:35:47 PM] 卐卐卐: but he didn't do anything
[8/18/2012 10:35:49 PM] 卐卐卐: he is innocento
[8/18/2012 10:35:53 PM] 卐卐卐:  i know because he is my friend
[8/18/2012 10:35:57 PM] 卐卐卐: =(
[8/18/2012 10:36:01 PM] 卐卐卐: anyway
[8/18/2012 10:36:03 PM] 卐卐卐: back on topic
[8/18/2012 10:36:07 PM] 卐卐卐: of lizzie's suicide
[8/18/2012 10:36:21 PM] Ben: Liz, don't do it.
[8/18/2012 10:36:29 PM] Ben: Please.
[8/18/2012 10:36:35 PM] Ben: Life is too short.
[8/18/2012 10:36:40 PM] Jasper's Bitch: now it will be very short
[8/18/2012 10:36:45 PM] Jasper's Bitch: because it's almost over
[8/18/2012 10:36:55 PM] Ben: Lizzie, don't!! Please I'm sorry!!
[8/18/2012 10:37:00 PM] 卐卐卐: no lizzie
[8/18/2012 10:37:01 PM] 卐卐卐: use a knife
[8/18/2012 10:37:02 PM] 卐卐卐: suffer
[8/18/2012 10:37:08 PM] Jasper's Bitch: sepukku
[8/18/2012 10:37:14 PM] Ben: No Lizzie, please!!
[8/18/2012 10:37:25 PM] Jasper's Bitch: let me disembowel myself for the SHAME OF THIS PARTING
[8/18/2012 10:37:30 PM] 卐卐卐: i'm going to abuse your corpse just so you know
[8/18/2012 10:37:40 PM] 卐卐卐: SEXUALLY
[8/18/2012 10:37:46 PM] Ben: JAPER, be quiet!
[8/18/2012 10:37:49 PM] Ben: Liz, don't do this.
[8/18/2012 10:37:55 PM] Ben: Please, I beg you.
[8/18/2012 10:37:59 PM] 卐卐卐: why ben
[8/18/2012 10:38:03 PM] 卐卐卐: wy shouldnt she
[8/18/2012 10:38:14 PM] Ben: Because I care about her still.
[8/18/2012 10:38:23 PM] 卐卐卐: ohbecause it would make you sad
[8/18/2012 10:38:24 PM] 卐卐卐: i see
[8/18/2012 10:38:32 PM] Ben: I don't want anyone to die anymore. I'm tired of death and suffering.
[8/18/2012 10:38:38 PM] 卐卐卐: benlol
[8/18/2012 10:38:43 PM] 卐卐卐: you dont know death & suffering
[8/18/2012 10:38:48 PM] 卐卐卐: you've never seen somebouy die
[8/18/2012 10:38:50 PM] Ben: There's too much of it in the world.
[8/18/2012 10:38:56 PM] 卐卐卐: have you ever seen somebody you love die in front of you?
[8/18/2012 10:39:11 PM] 卐卐卐: my brother burned himself and his wife and kid alive in front of me when i was 5
[8/18/2012 10:39:19 PM] Ben: Oh my God.
[8/18/2012 10:39:24 PM] 卐卐卐: thats why i appreciate pain
[8/18/2012 10:39:30 PM] 卐卐卐: you don't know pain boy
[8/18/2012 10:39:40 PM] 卐卐卐: you're sheltered and weak
[8/18/2012 10:39:45 PM] 卐卐卐: WEAK
[8/18/2012 10:39:45 PM] Ben: I am.
[8/18/2012 10:39:48 PM] 卐卐卐: yes
[8/18/2012 10:39:54 PM] 卐卐卐: and you will never change
[8/18/2012 10:39:59 PM] 卐卐卐: the only thing to do is eat a bullet
[8/18/2012 10:40:11 PM] Ben: No. I ain't killing myself.
[8/18/2012 10:40:15 PM] 卐卐卐: you're boring
[8/18/2012 10:40:19 PM] 卐卐卐: lizzie has the right idea
[8/18/2012 10:40:22 PM] 卐卐卐: so did gamma
[8/18/2012 10:40:27 PM] 卐卐卐: she's dead btw
[8/18/2012 10:40:27 PM] Ben: Lizzie, please don't do it!
[8/18/2012 10:40:34 PM] Ben: Why?
[8/18/2012 10:40:49 PM] 卐卐卐: she hung her self
[8/18/2012 10:40:55 PM] 卐卐卐: thats probably part of why lizzie is so upset
[8/18/2012 10:41:05 PM] 卐卐卐: YOU TOOK AWAY HER BEST FRIEND BEN
[8/18/2012 10:41:09 PM] 卐卐卐: SHE HUNG HERSELF BECAUSE OF YOU
[8/18/2012 10:41:19 PM] 卐卐卐: she never said what you did exactly
[8/18/2012 10:41:23 PM] 卐卐卐: but it musrt have been horrible
[8/18/2012 10:41:23 PM] Ben: Why did she hang herself?
[8/18/2012 10:41:25 PM] 卐卐卐: it was in her note
[8/18/2012 10:41:45 PM] 卐卐卐: she said it's all your fault ben i hope you rot in hell
[8/18/2012 10:41:51 PM] 卐卐卐: and then she said it was all my fault too
[8/18/2012 10:41:54 PM] 卐卐卐: but thats beside the point
[8/18/2012 10:42:05 PM] 卐卐卐: between you and me
[8/18/2012 10:42:13 PM] 卐卐卐: remember how i told you she got raped by those niggers?
[8/18/2012 10:42:16 PM] 卐卐卐: i think that made her do it
[8/18/2012 10:42:18 PM] 卐卐卐: and i told you ben
[8/18/2012 10:42:21 PM] 卐卐卐: i told you to help her and comfort her
[8/18/2012 10:42:25 PM] 卐卐卐: and you ignored me
[8/18/2012 10:42:27 PM] 卐卐卐: and now she’s dead and its all your fault
[8/18/2012 10:42:44 PM] 卐卐卐: and the niggers will never go to jail or because nobody knows their names
[8/18/2012 10:42:47 PM] 卐卐卐: and lizzie's going to die
[8/18/2012 10:43:02 PM] 卐卐卐: everything you touch turns to shit
[8/18/2012 10:43:06 PM] Ben: Lizzie, don't do it! Please, don't kill yourself.
[8/18/2012 10:43:20 PM] 卐卐卐: i think she already did
[8/18/2012 10:43:22 PM] 卐卐卐: listen...
[8/18/2012 10:43:25 PM] 卐卐卐: silence...
[8/18/2012 10:43:30 PM] 卐卐卐: only silence remains.
[8/18/2012 10:43:40 PM] Ben: Oh my God.
[8/18/2012 10:43:54 PM] 卐卐卐: god cannot help you now
[8/18/2012 10:44:29 PM] Ben: LIZZIE!!
[8/18/2012 10:44:32 PM] 卐卐卐: lol dude she can't hear you she's dead stop being retarded
[8/18/2012 10:44:41 PM] 卐卐卐: imma call 911 brb
[8/18/2012 10:44:45 PM] 卐卐卐: its too late but whatever
[8/18/2012 10:45:22 PM] 卐卐卐: ok done
[8/18/2012 10:45:29 PM] 卐卐卐: ben tell me what you did to help lizzie
[8/18/2012 10:45:42 PM] Ben: I don't know!!
8/18/2012 10:47:05 PM] 卐卐卐: how does it feel to know you took a life through your stupidity and inaction
[8/18/2012 10:47:16 PM] Ben: I feel like shit.
[8/18/2012 10:47:21 PM] 卐卐卐: LIKE SHIT HUH
[8/18/2012 10:47:22 PM] Ben: That's what it feels like.
[8/18/2012 10:47:22 PM] 卐卐卐: WOW
[8/18/2012 10:47:25 PM] 卐卐卐: THAT’S DEEP
[8/18/2012 10:47:29 PM] 卐卐卐: YOU FEEL SHITTY
[8/18/2012 10:47:30 PM] Ben: I feel guilty,
[8/18/2012 10:47:33 PM] 卐卐卐: IF I KILLED SOMEBODY I CARED ABOUT
[8/18/2012 10:47:46 PM] 卐卐卐: I WOULD BE GIVING A REVOLVER A BLOWJOB RIGHT NOW
[8/18/2012 10:48:11 PM] Ben: I ain't got a revolver.
[8/18/2012 10:49:06 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: she's not answering her phone
[8/18/2012 10:49:11 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: and i hear the sirens
[8/18/2012 10:49:20 PM] Ben: Where do you live anyway?
[8/18/2012 10:49:25 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: canada, i live right down the block from her
[8/18/2012 10:49:31 PM] Ben: Oh my God.
[8/18/2012 10:49:36 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: why do you think i insult the usa allt he time
[8/18/2012 10:49:43 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: i am canadian, boy
[8/18/2012 10:49:49 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: and you are a MURDERER
[8/18/2012 10:49:50 PM] Ben: Oh my God.
[8/18/2012 10:49:54 PM] Ben: Oh my God.
[8/18/2012 10:50:18 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: are you crying ben?
[8/18/2012 10:50:27 PM] Ben: Yes.
[8/18/2012 10:50:31 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: how hard are you crying
[8/18/2012 10:50:42 PM] Ben: I'm bawling my eyes out right now.
[8/18/2012 10:50:45 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: liar
[8/18/2012 10:50:48 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you don't give a shit
[8/18/2012 10:50:56 PM] Ben: I feel like I want to vomit!
[8/18/2012 10:50:56 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: OTHERWISE
[8/18/2012 10:51:00 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU WOULD HAVE STOPPED HER
[8/18/2012 10:51:03 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: FROM OFFING HERSELF
[8/18/2012 10:51:06 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: BEN
[8/18/2012 10:51:10 PM] Ben: I TRIED YOU SON OF A BITCH
[8/18/2012 10:51:40 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: there is no try
[8/18/2012 10:51:41 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: only do
[8/18/2012 10:51:43 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: or do not
[8/18/2012 10:51:48 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you did not
[8/18/2012 10:52:40 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW BEN
[8/18/2012 10:52:47 PM] Ben: I don't know.
[8/18/2012 10:52:52 PM] Ben: I'm going to vomit.
[8/18/2012 10:52:56 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: ok go do that
[8/18/2012 10:53:50 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: BUT THINK OF THE BLOOD
[8/18/2012 10:53:51 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WHEN YOU DO
[8/18/2012 10:53:54 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: THE BLOOD OF LIZZIE
[8/18/2012 10:53:56 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: IT IS ON YOUR HANDS
[8/18/2012 10:55:15 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you disgust me
[8/18/2012 10:55:29 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you are a pathetic excuse for a human being
[8/18/2012 10:55:32 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you are a worm
[8/18/2012 10:55:35 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: a cockroach
[8/18/2012 10:55:49 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: a piece of filth i scrape off my shoe after walking through a field of cow pies
[8/18/2012 10:56:08 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU ARE TOM CRUISE'S ILLEGITIMATE SON
[8/18/2012 10:56:12 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you fucker
[8/18/2012 10:56:15 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: where is your god now
[8/18/2012 10:56:18 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: HMM?
[8/18/2012 10:56:24 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: lizzie is dead
[8/18/2012 10:56:36 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: it's all your fault
[8/18/2012 10:57:05 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: ALL YOUR FAULT YOU EARTHWORM
[8/18/2012 10:57:09 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU SLUG
[8/18/2012 10:57:15 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU NIGHTCRAWLER
[8/18/2012 10:57:49 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU PIECE OF MEAT COVERED IN MAGGOTS SHOVED UP THE VAGINA OF AN INSANE TEENAGE GIRL WITH A MAGGOT FETISH UNTIL SHE GETS TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME
[8/18/2012 10:58:10 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU GAY STREETWALKER
[8/18/2012 10:58:31 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU RAPPER
[8/18/2012 10:58:39 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: DOUCHE
[8/18/2012 10:58:43 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: THIS IS YOUR FAULT
[8/18/2012 10:58:45 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: I AM SO MAD
[8/18/2012 10:58:55 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: I'M ACTUALLY SEEING RED
[8/18/2012 10:58:59 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU HAVE MADE ME SO ANGRY BEN
[8/18/2012 10:59:04 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS ANGRY
[8/18/2012 10:59:10 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
[8/18/2012 10:59:23 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: HOW DARE YOU MURDER LIZZIE
[8/18/2012 11:00:44 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: ben don't run away
[8/18/2012 11:00:52 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: from your evil deeds
[8/18/2012 11:00:59 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: god is going to punish you
[8/18/2012 11:01:05 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you are going to hell
[8/18/2012 11:01:13 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: i will make sure of it
[8/18/2012 11:01:33 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: i will do a black magic ritual and sell my soul to satan to ensure that you go to hell if i have to
[8/18/2012 11:01:50 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: STOP HAVING DIARRHEA AND COME BACK HERE
[8/18/2012 11:02:11 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EAT THAT COULD CORRODE A FLOOR
[8/18/2012 11:02:36 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: AND DOES IT LOOK LIKE CREAM SODA
[8/18/2012 11:03:02 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: DID YOU KILL YOURSELF BY DROWNING YOURSELF IN THE TOILET???
[8/18/2012 11:03:06 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU ASS
[8/18/2012 11:03:11 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND TALK TO ME
[8/18/2012 11:03:16 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: I AM ALL ALONE BEN
[8/18/2012 11:03:20 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE
[8/18/2012 11:03:21 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: ALL
[8/18/2012 11:03:22 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: ALONE
[8/18/2012 11:03:25 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: I'M SO LONELY
[8/18/2012 11:03:29 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: BY MYSELF
[8/18/2012 11:03:34 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: FIRST YOU TOOK GAMMA AWAY
[8/18/2012 11:03:39 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: THEN YOU TOOK JIM AWAY
[8/18/2012 11:03:43 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: THEN YOU TOOK LIZZIE AWAY
[8/18/2012 11:03:45 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: THEN YOU WENT AWAY
[8/18/2012 11:03:48 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: I AM ALL ALOOOONE
[8/18/2012 11:03:56 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WAVING MY DICK IN THE AIR
[8/18/2012 11:04:03 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: ALL BY MYSELF
[8/18/2012 11:04:10 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: HOW COULD YOU ABANDON ME BEN
[8/18/2012 11:04:15 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: HOW COULD YOU
[8/18/2012 11:05:35 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: T-T
[8/18/2012 11:05:38 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: ben
[8/18/2012 11:05:42 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you ruined my life
[8/18/2012 11:05:46 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: you ruin everyones life
[8/18/2012 11:05:49 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: its terrible
[8/18/2012 11:05:52 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: why ben why
[8/18/2012 11:06:19 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: TALK BEN TALK
TALK BEN TALK
TALK BEN TALK
TALK BEN TALK
[8/18/2012 11:06:20 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: TALK BEN TALK
[8/18/2012 11:06:21 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: TALK BEN TALK
TALK BEN TALK
TALK BEN TALK
[8/18/2012 11:06:22 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: TALK BEN TALK
[8/18/2012 11:06:22 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: TALK BEN TALK
[8/18/2012 11:08:28 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: aaaaaaaaaaaaa
[8/18/2012 11:08:29 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: aaaaaaaaa
[8/18/2012 11:08:30 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: aaaaaaaaaaaa
[8/18/2012 11:08:31 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: aaaaaaaaaaa
[8/18/2012 11:08:32 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: aaaaaaaaaaaa
[8/18/2012 11:08:33 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: aaaaaaaaaaaa
[8/18/2012 11:08:35 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: aaaaaaaaaaaa
[8/18/2012 11:09:12 PM] Joe Camel: ssssssssssssssssssssss
[8/18/2012 11:09:13 PM] Joe Camel: ssssssssssss
[8/18/2012 11:09:15 PM] Joe Camel: sssssssssssssssssssss
[8/18/2012 11:09:17 PM] Joe Camel: sssssssssssssss
[8/18/2012 11:09:18 PM] Joe Camel: sssssssssss
[8/18/2012 11:09:20 PM] Joe Camel: ssssss
[8/18/2012 11:23:26 PM] Joe Camel: [11:02:11 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EAT THAT COULD CORRODE A FLOOR
[8/18/2012 11:23:26 PM] Joe Camel: [11:02:11 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EAT THAT COULD CORRODE A FLOOR
[8/18/2012 11:23:26 PM] Joe Camel: [11:02:11 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EAT THAT COULD CORRODE A FLOOR
[8/18/2012 11:23:27 PM] Joe Camel: [11:02:11 PM] 卐卐 BEN KILLED LIZZIE 卐卐: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EAT THAT COULD CORRODE A FLOOR
[8/18/2012 11:30:58 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: *reads up*
[8/18/2012 11:31:13 PM] 1000 dead jews in the oven: what the fuck did i miss

Ben’s angst over the ‘suicide’ was entirely self-centered. He made it very clear to the other people who talked to him that the only reason he cared was because he thought it was his fault. In addition, the most action he took in regards to the whole ordeal was to show his mommy the log. She became very angry...

	“	“Alright. Liz he woke me up very upset because he thought you had killed yourself. Jasper then started cussing him out because you did. He also said he was a Mommy's boy and rude remarks that I will not repeat. He aslo told Ben that his behavior had caused you to kill yourself. I have never been subject to such language and rude behavior . We talked about it and tried to see if there was a way we could contact someone to find out if you were ok or not. Jasper remarks were more of putting Ben down where as Ben was trying to fine out if you really had or had not.”	„
	—Ben’s mommy, in an email to ‘Jasper’s Bitch’

Sex Fail

File:What’s drag.jpg

Later, he dressed up in drag for the magic hobo.

If you don't want to bother reading Ben's awful porn, read this handy chat log instead. It pretty much sums up Ben's ideas about sex.

[12:30:18 AM] Benjamin Ford: Well, I imagine Bella has to teach Tonks about sex.
[12:30:22 AM] Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: wh
[12:30:23 AM] Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: no
[12:30:26 AM] Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: no ben no
[12:30:28 AM] Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: she's like
[12:30:34 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: wow
[12:30:41 AM] Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: in her 20s ben
[12:32:11 AM] Benjamin Ford: As I was saying, I can have them use Dildos.
[12:32:29 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: yes; two each
[12:32:43 AM] Benjamin Ford: Something like that.
[12:32:49 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: no, exactly that
|[12:32:53 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: two at the same tiiiime
[12:33:24 AM] Benjamin Ford: Where at the same time?
[12:33:28 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: XD
[12:33:33 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: where?
[12:33:41 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: Did you literally just ask that?
[12:33:41 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: xD
[12:33:42 AM] Benjamin Ford: Yes. Where?
|[12:33:54 AM] Benjamin Ford: There are several places they could go.
[12:34:07 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: okay. let's think critically
[12:34:23 AM] Benjamin Ford: Never mind. I'll figure it out.
[12:34:28 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: are you sure?
[12:34:36 AM] Benjamin Ford: No.
[12:34:46 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: okay, i'll help
[12:34:54 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: where do they usually get inserted?
[12:35:17 AM] Benjamin Ford: Pussy, Ass, or Mouth. And if you're into that stuff, ears.
[12:35:27 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: no ears
[12:35:33 AM] Benjamin Ford: Ok.
[12:35:49 AM] Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: i've heard of nose sex too but i don't think that would be very enjoyable
[12:36:02 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: okay, now, let's consider: of those three, which would be most pleasurable to a woman? Or, where do you think it would usually go if she's masturbating?
[12:36:04 AM] Benjamin Ford: Nose sex ain't right.
[12:36:17 AM] Benjamin Ford: Pussy.
[12:36:20 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: very good!
[12:36:31 AM] Benjamin Ford: This is what I get for being a virgin.
[12:36:31 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: now, if there are other options, what comes next?
[12:36:42 AM] Benjamin Ford: Ass or mouth.
[12:36:58 AM] Benjamin Ford: Right?
[12:37:05 AM] Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: whats nearest huh
[12:37:08 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: those were literally the only other options
[12:37:10 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: so yes
[12:37:22 AM] Benjamin Ford: Ok. Thank you Liz.
[12:37:27 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: we're not done yet
[12:37:39 AM] Benjamin Ford: We aren't?
[12:37:47 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: no, she has one in; the other goes where?
[12:37:59 AM] Benjamin Ford: Ass.
[12:38:05 AM] Eliza's Perphekt: very good!

If you actually are interested in reading Ben’s fap fantasies, here is one of his godawful sex scenes:

Harry exhaled deeply as he felt the water cascade down his body as his tension was washed away in the shower. Getting out of it after drying off, he instantly saw something different about himself. His body had grown broader and stronger, and the real surprise was how huge his penis had grown. As he looked in the mirror, Harry felt his arms to confirm that it was all real.

"Blimey. What's happened to me? I'm huge!" Harry said to himself, looking at all the huge muscles all over his body. He then put his clothes on, along with his cut and walked out of his dorm room.

When he found himself walking into the Great Hall, Harry didn't seem bothered at all about the sudden change of scenery.

Going further into the Great Hall, Harry spotted something that instantly made him regret putting on pants. His enlarged penis got hard and bigger as he watched Hermione straddling Natalie's lap as she was snogging the half-giant on top of the Gryffindor table. Breaking from each other's lip lock, both naked women looked to the SAMDON VP with smiles.

"I was just keeping her warm for you, Harry." Natalie said as she pressed her breasts against Hermione's.

"Oh, my wife is more than warm for me, Natalie, and I'm very hot for her right now." Harry said, taking his cut off and setting it on the high table behind him. Harry watched as Hermione kissed Natalie one more time before she walked up to him.

With her wand in hand, Hermione made Harry's clothes disappear, revealing how big her husband had become.

"Harry, you have grown so big since your last run. Let me welcome you home." With that, Hermione threw her arms around Harry as best she could and snogging him, relishing the feel of so much muscle underneath his skin.

Natalie watched the makeout scene with much interest. When Harry took Hermione, laid her out on the Gryffindor table and began to thrust into her, Natalie started getting wetter and hornier, especially when she heard Hermione's moans.

"Take her, Harry. I want to see you make her cum all over your house's table." Natalie moaned as she began growing bigger, hornier, sexier and stronger until she was 15ft tall.

Harry and Hermione cried out in ecstasy as they shagged. With one final thrust, they both came. Hermione was in the throes of bliss before she realized that she was growing bigger and bigger. Before long, she was a 10ft tall giant with enormous breasts and an ass big enough to match.

Looking up at the two women towering over him, Harry suddenly felt his body begin to swell up with muscle as he grew bigger and more hung over. Soon he stood at 10ft tall with more muscle than any man could ever attain with the biggest sex member ever seen.

"While it's so much fun seeing the two of you as big as you are, I am bigger than the two of you." Natalie said, thrusting her chest towards them and flexing her muscles at the same time. Looking at the flushed expression on Harry's face, Natalie leaned over and kissed him. "Take a rest, Harry. You'll need it. Just sit back and enjoy the show."

Turning towards Hermione, Natalie smiled at Harry's wife before laying her out onto the Hufflepuff table and stuck her face between Hermione's legs. Transfiguring some large pillows to prop herself up into a somewhat seated position, Hermione looked straight at Harry as Natalie ate her pussy out.

"Oh, Harry, have you ever wondered what I looked like when you made me cum? Today, you get to see what you do to me." Hermione moaned as Harry watched her cum over and over again. In between eating Hermione out, Natalie fondled her breasts and teased her clit enough to drive her off the edge.

While Hermione was breathing heavy, Natalie rose up and walked over to Harry, who had by that time recovered from shagging Hermione. His gigantic erection was now pointing right up at Natalie, who smiled at how big it was.

With her wand in hand, Natalie transfigured a goblet into a custom condom.

"Safety first, Harry. I don't want to end up carrying your love child." Natalie said, kissing the head of Harry's cock before sticking the condom into her mouth, and with a quick deep throat of his cock, had put it on. She then looked up to his eyes and said, "Shag me hard, Harry. I am much stronger than you so I can take it."

Hermione watched as Natalie got on all fours and Harry slid his huge cock into her before Natalie maneuvered Hermione underneath her enough to suck her tits as Harry plowed into her.

Natalie moaned in pleasure into Hermione's mouth as she kissed her. Hermione found the sense to wink at Harry, who promptly exited Natalie and flipped her on her back and reentered her while Hermione took the opportunity to straddle her face.

As Harry pumped harder and harder into her, Hermione finally came on Natalie's face and as she did, Hermione rolled off of Natalie and laid herself down next to Natalie, with her face watching Harry's cock pump into her.

Harry leaned down and kissed Natalie on the lips, tasting his wife's cum on her tongue, Natalie broke it off and moaned, "Harder, Harry! Harder! Ever since I took your huge cock between my tits, I've been wondering how it could fill my pussy. But now I'm wondering how Hermione's able to walk upright afterwards!"

Hearing those words coming from her swollen lips, it was obviously turning Harry and Hermione on even more. Natalie then pulled Harry closer and whispered, "I can feel you growing bigger inside me, Harry. Between your cock in my pussy and the taste of Hermione's succulent pussy on my tongue, I'm in Heaven!"

Hermione then climbed back on top of Natalie's face. As she did, Harry started French kissing his wife while she vigorously thrusting three fingers into Natalie's pussy alongside Harry's dick. Just 5 minutes after she had started to do so, Harry gave one last thrust as he finally came inside Natalie, who in turn came as she moaned into Hermione's pussy, setting her off.

Waking up straight away with sweat pouring down his face, Harry also woke up in his bedroom with Hermione, who noticed his rapid breathing, perspiration and his morning wood which was tenting the sheets.

Without saying one word, Hermione shed her clothes from her body, uncovered Harry's erection from the bedclothes and started wanking him off between her breasts. Harry loved feeling his cock between Hermione's full breasts. With a few more thrusts, Harry shot his load in between her breasts. Looking up at Hermione as she wiped his load out from inside her cleavage, Harry said, "Good morning, Hermione."

"Good morning indeed. What got you so excited?" Hermione said amused at how much cum came out of Harry with one shot.

"You and me naked and shagging like a pair of crazy teenagers." Harry said, knowing that it was as close to the truth as it could be without landing him in the doghouse.

Ben has admitted to experiencing raging erections in public places, such as when watching his mother’s friend kiss her husband in a leech-infested lake. He has shoved several objects up his ass (see below) including his fingers, a plunger, and a screwdriver. However, he really, really doesn’t like being called gay. In fact, he hates it so much that he threatens to moon anyone who makes the mistake of doing so (see right)

During one chat, he admitted to having erectile dysfunction, but this is most likely due to the fact that he has an unusually small penis (which he revealed in a chat, confirming his lack of a conversational filter) and can’t jerk it very well.

In mid-2012, fellow fanfiction author Gamma Orionis convinced Ben that she was in fact the pornstar Cici Rhodes, and not a fat, lonely, sexually disturbed teenage girl. Shortly thereafter, she and another girl convinced Ben to put a screwdriver into his ass -- whereupon he revealed that he had previously done the same with a plunger. The full chat can be read here.

From Ben's fanfiction:

	“	"Take her, Harry. I want to see you make her cum all over your house's table." Natalie moaned as she began growing bigger, hornier, sexier and stronger until she was 15ft tall. Harry and Hermione cried out in ecstasy as they shagged. With one final thrust, they both came. Hermione was in the throes of bliss before she realized that she was growing bigger and bigger. Before long, she was a 10ft tall giant with enormous breasts and an ass big enough to match. Looking up at the two women towering over him, Harry suddenly felt his body begin to swell up with muscle as he grew bigger and more hung over. Soon he stood at 10ft tall with more muscle than any man could ever attain with the biggest sex member ever seen.	„
	—Macrophilia, anybody?

	“	With her wand in hand, Natalie transfigured a goblet into a custom condom. "Safety first, Harry. I don't want to end up carrying your love child." Natalie said, kissing the head of Harry's cock before sticking the condom into her mouth, and with a quick deep throat of his cock, had put it on.	„
	—GIANT CONDOMS. Also he said he'd wear three condoms at once during irl sex during a Skype chat.

And this excerpt leads us into the horror that is...

Ben’s Fanfiction

Ben is a fanfiction writer. He writes crossovers between Harry Potter and the TV show ‘’Sons of Anarchy’’. All of Ben’s male characters are total badasses, and all the women are middle-aged kitchen-bound housewives who are always horny, and everything he writes is full of explosions, violence, and impotent attempts at movie-style action, proving that Ben is writing out his sexual and domestic fantasies about being an interesting person with an interesting life.

He actually rarely writes the fanfictions that he says he will, and prefers to stick to creating obscenely long OC profiles of British wizard bikers with generic names and retarded backstories.

	“	Has a consciense, but it has holes. Built like a Fridge, cold as one to.	„
	—Cold as one to.

And this.... Feast your eyes upon this festering turd of an OC which may in fact rival Tara Gilesbie’s Enoby Way in sheer faggotry and retardation. Keep in mind that this shit is entirely, 100% serious.

First name: Emily O'Neal (Played by Lady Gaga)

Nickname: "Banshee"

Age: 23

Family: None (It is rumored that she killed them all)

Bio: Emily O'Neal was born on the first hour, in the first minute, of Halloween, 1975, in Belfast, Northern Ireland to two purebloods. She earned a reputation quickly, because when the Doctor who delivered him spanked her, she screamed and he died 2 days later. At age 11, she was accepted into Hogwarts. At age 20, she joined Voldemorts ranks, quickly rising through the ranks. Crazy, bloodthirsty and cruel, she earned a reputation as a cold blooded bitch because she was usually the only one who came back alive in a mission. Many Death Eaters believe she kills her teammates herself. She will stop at nothing to reach her goals.

Personality: Psychopathic, Unmerciful, ambitious, crazy, bloodthirsty, fearless, masochistic, sadistic, uncaring about anyone's well being, intelligent, has Ice cold blood in her veins and a reptilian heart, has a soft spot for cats and has 9 lives, vocal cords are more developed then any witches of her age, numb to pain because she was born with CIPA

(...some tl;dr shit)

Hair color and texture: Blonde, straight, mullet

Another of his godawful endlessly long OC profiles can be found here. And other places, but if you want to read that shit so badly you can go find it yourself.

Before continuing with this section, why don’t you have a look at a sample of his ‘hard work’. It will make it clear to you exactly how bad he is at his trade.

Jim Crow's friend David Duke obtained a dramatic reading of Courageous. It’ll be up sometime next Friday or something.

Courageous

Summary: Bellatrix and Andromeda reconcile after tragedy strikes. AU.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Courageous. It meant being scared out of your mind and having the guts to still charge forward anyway.

That was exactly how Bellatrix Black, formerly Lestrange, felt as she hugged her sister for the first time in 24 years.

When Andromeda had left the Black Family, 4 weeks pregnant, she had been disowned. Bellatrix had hated her for it, but hadn't tormented her.

The Ministry of Magic had been reviewing old case files and had realized something important. The Lestrange's, as well as Barty Crouch Jr., had been the victims of Kangaroo Court. That meant their convictions were over ruled.

They had been released from Azkaban after it had been announced. The first thing Bellatrix did was divorced Rodolphus. They had never loved each other and he was an asshole. Rabastan was alright, and they had remained friends.

Then tragedy had struck. Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy had been murdered. It had broken Bella's heart. She had bawled her eyes out. Draco had been heartbroken as well. Bellatrix had been named Draco's Godmother. She got custody of him.

The day after their funeral, as Bellatrix laid sobbing in Cissy's bed, she had realized something. Life was too short to hold a grudge. She had, in Azkaban, come to terms with the fact Voldemort was indeed dead and wasn't coming back.

Then she had realized something else. She missed Andromeda and wanted her sister back. Yes, she had betrayed the Family, but that didn't seem to matter. She was the only sister she had left.

It had taken courage to go up to Andromeda's house. Courage to take the yelling Andromeda had unleashed upon her. Courage to finally break down in front of her sister in tears.

As Andromeda held her sister close, it took courage to finally hug her back. She said to her sister, as tears flowed down her eyes, "I'm so sorry Andi."

As Andromeda let her sister cry into her shoulder, she said, "It's alright Bella. It's alright."

Author's Note: Yes, I know it's OOC. No, I don't really care. And yes, I cried while writing this. Life's just too short to hold a grudge. God bless and please leave a review.

As you can clearly see, Ben sucks at writing, for reasons we won’t bother to go over because they should have been pretty obvious. He also wrote some awful 280K word story entitled Fuascailt agus Maithiúnas, which is Irish Gaelic for ‘I am retared’. You can find it on Pastebin in four parts,(here, here, here, and here), if for some godawful reason you actually want to read it.

	“	"That's a good girl, Jesse. Who's Mommy's favorite cat? Ye are silly!" I said as I snuggled my black cat. I had rescued her from an animal shelter and I've kept her ever since.	„
	—The cumcat makes a cameo in one of Ben's fics

	“	her clothes vanished, revealing her body to Emily. It was everything Emily though it would be and more.	„
	—Ben often uses the term "everything I thought it would be and more" to describe food, too.

Tellatrix

Ben ships a pairing called 'Tellatrix', which he made up and which no person in the entire world who doesn't pity him immensely would care about. It pairs some insane Harry Potter witch lady who hates non magical people with a biker guy from an American TV show. It is impossible to overstate how fucking fixated Ben is on this pairing. He has made stories, poetry, artwork, and even music videos for it, and talks about it IRL to his parents' friends.

The crowning turd on this pile of shit is that he genuinely believes his retarded crossover pairing should be canon, and has confirmed that he has tried to contact JK Rowling so he can tell her to retcon the books to pair this irrelevant secondary character with the fat, smelly, hairy, sweaty biker that he wishes he was. It can be extracted from this that Ben uses Tig as a surrogate for his own fat, smelly, sweaty, hairy but not badass self, so that he can better imagine having sex with this middle-aged woman when he is masturbating.

	“	Benjamin Ford: It's a crossover between Harry Potter and Sons of Anarchy. Jim Crow: and why should i care Benjamin Ford: Tig and Bellatrix. Two insane characters from both of them. They're perfect for each other.	„
	—Ben on Tellatrix

On one thread, Ben offered to show people, and I quote, “My stories wedding vows”. Here, you can see just how fucking retarded Ben is about his fixation.

(Tigs Vows): Got to say, Bella, ever since my first wedding and divorce, I always figured I'd be single for the rest of my life. I'm a borderline Psychopath and a convicted felon and a cold hearted bastard. Who'd want to spend the rest of their life with me? The longest relationship I've had outside of that marriage was a week long, and it was just sex. But then I met you in 1998, in Johnsons Pub and Grill. You are the only one who has ever beaten me in a drinking contest.]] Can you spend the rest of your life, knowing all of that, and all the sick stuff I've done, and all the stuff I'm going to do, spending it with me and loving me anyway?
(Bellatrixs Vows): I absolutely can. Tig Trager, before I met you, I was a cold hearted bitch and I never thought I could feel anything but hate. Before you, I never dreamed of sleeping with or even talking with Muggles. I was the right hand of a Psychopath and a cold blooded killer, I could commit crimes without any remorse or regret, but with a [song in my soul]. I used to be jealous of my two sisters, because they got married and had kids while I dedicated my life to following a Dark Lord. But then I challenged you to a drinking contest on that fateful night in London. It changed my life. So I ask you, can you, knowing what I was and all the sick stuff I've done, spend the rest of your life with me and love me anyway?

Youtube Videos

Be warned... these will rape your eyes, ears, brain, soul. You can find him here

Previous Video | Next Video

	“	I can't imagine a more retarded idea.	„
	—CPRailRTC on Ben's obsession.

What's wrong with him?

Ben claims to have ADD and OCD, both of which are impossible due to not being real, as we all know. Some of the people trolling him think that he has fetal alcohol syndrome and is retarded, and Jim Crow believes he had autism, but these are also is not real. On the other hand, Ben hates being called autistic. Nobody knows why this is, but we're going to pipe to the article a lot because of it.

One thing of note (and extreme lulz on occasion) is that Ben cannot recognize sarcasm and takes everything literally. And we do mean everything. Because of this, he has no sense of humor, and any joke that isn't a knock-knock joke or a shark/snake or the military or redneck related joke is completely lost on him like a blind man in a forest of dicks.

	“	[5/2/2012 9:28:46 PM] Mr. Bean: Just talking with another person on FF. Red Molly. [5/2/2012 9:28:55 PM] Elizabeth Perfect: is she a commie? [5/2/2012 9:29:07 PM] Mr. Bean: No. She's a beta reader for Justified fanfics. [5/2/2012 9:29:34 PM] Elizabeth Perfect: the humour, like a rocket, shoots over your head far above you	„
	—Grim and humorless

Furthermore, he’s quite proud of himself on the rare occasions that he does recognize sarcasm, usually by accident, and will tell you he noticed.

	“	Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death: Nice sarcasm, both of you.	„

	“	Shark Week: Really, if you're going to be sarcastic, please just say it straight to my face.	„

	“	[5/27/2012 11:42:51 PM] sbmttslfdstrctn: good job ben you can identify sarcasm [5/27/2012 11:42:55 PM] sbmttslfdstrctn: stop flaunting it	„

	“	1000 dead jews in the oven: i hate all muslims Ben Ford: Really? 1000 dead jews in the oven: did i not just say 'i hate all muslims'? Ben Ford: I'm trying to figure out if you're being sarcastic or not.	„

	“	Ben: Nice sarcasm. Troll 1: Did you actually know that I’m being sarcastic, or are you just guessing? Ben: Little bit of both. Troll 2: [Snickering] Troll 1: [Snort] Okay. Okay. Troll 2: [Laughing] Ben: Were you being... ‘’Were’’ you? Troll 1: [Clearly sarcastic] No. No, I wasn’t. Um-- Ben: Were you being it then? Troll 1: I’m sorry, what? Ben: Were you just being sarcastic right then? Troll 1: No. Ben: Okay.	„
	—Ben in a skype conversation

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Ben has also shown signs of extreme anger management problems. Combined with his access to firearms this could lead to very Bad things.

[29/04/2012 11:04:42 PM] Benjamin Ford: But you guys don't mind if I shout?
[29/04/2012 11:04:46 PM] Gamma Orionis: No, we don't.
[29/04/2012 11:04:52 PM] wilson the volleyball: oh my god why do you ask permission
[29/04/2012 11:04:55 PM] wilson the volleyball: fucking go nuts i don't care
[29/04/2012 11:05:03 PM] Benjamin Ford: Alright.
[29/04/2012 11:05:15 PM] Benjamin Ford: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
[29/04/2012 11:05:21 PM] wilson the volleyball: wtf
[29/04/2012 11:05:22 PM] Eliza’s Perphekt: really, ben
[29/04/2012 11:05:26 PM] Gamma Orionis: ghvdjs
[29/04/2012 11:05:28 PM] Benjamin Ford: I"M GOING CRAZY!
[29/04/2012 11:05:29 PM] wilson the volleyball: was that shit
[29/04/2012 11:05:34 PM] Gamma Orionis: interesting...
[29/04/2012 11:05:39 PM] wilson the volleyball: i thought you meant like
[29/04/2012 11:05:39 PM] Benjamin Ford: I HATE IT!!
[29/04/2012 11:05:41 PM] wilson the volleyball: shout at us
[29/04/2012 11:05:43 PM] wilson the volleyball: WHY
[29/04/2012 11:05:48 PM] Benjamin Ford: YOU GUYS SUCK!!
[29/04/2012 11:05:49 PM] wilson the volleyball: WHY ARE YOU GOING CRAZY!!??!!??!?!?!?!'
[29/04/2012 11:05:51 PM] wilson the volleyball: WHY
[29/04/2012 11:05:55 PM] wilson the volleyball: WHAT DO WE DO THAT SUCKS?!?!?
[29/04/2012 11:06:34 PM] Benjamin Ford: YOU"RE TOO MUCH OF NARCISSITIC NINNIES TO SEE OUT OF YOUR ASSES!! SOMETIMES, I WANT TO UNSCREW YOUR HEAD'S AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECKS!!
[29/04/2012 11:06:44 PM] Gamma Orionis: Interesting...
[29/04/2012 11:06:49 PM] wilson the volleyball: REALLY
[29/04/2012 11:06:54 PM] Gamma Orionis: *Takes notes all Freud-like*
[29/04/2012 11:06:56 PM] wilson the volleyball: WHAT DO WE DO THAT IS NARCISSISTIC
[29/04/2012 11:07:00 PM] wilson the volleyball: HMM?
[29/04/2012 11:07:14 PM] wilson the volleyball: TELL US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[29/04/2012 11:07:15 PM] Benjamin Ford: YOU CLAIM TO BE GOD WHEN YOU AREN'T YOU INSANE CREATURE!!!
[29/04/2012 11:07:20 PM] wilson the volleyball: OMG
[29/04/2012 11:07:27 PM] Gamma Orionis: wait
[29/04/2012 11:07:27 PM] wilson the volleyball: YES I DO
[29/04/2012 11:07:28 PM] Gamma Orionis: what?
[29/04/2012 11:07:29 PM] wilson the volleyball: BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY
[29/04/2012 11:07:35 PM] Benjamin Ford: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING OR A FUCKING ROBOT!!
[29/04/2012 11:07:42 PM] Gamma Orionis: He'd be quite the robot...
[29/04/2012 11:07:48 PM] wilson the volleyball: I AM A SEX ROBOT
[29/04/2012 11:07:52 PM] Gamma Orionis: yes you are dear.
[29/04/2012 11:07:55 PM] wilson the volleyball: *sex*
[29/04/2012 11:07:58 PM] Benjamin Ford: Ok.
[29/04/2012 11:08:04 PM] Gamma Orionis: "OK"?
[29/04/2012 11:08:05 PM] Benjamin Ford: I've calmed down.
[29/04/2012 11:08:13 PM] Benjamin Ford: That felt good.
[29/04/2012 11:08:21 PM] Gamma Orionis: I'm sending this conversation to my therapist to explain why I am this way.
[29/04/2012 11:08:23 PM] wilson the volleyball: that was completely impotent.
[29/04/2012 11:08:27 PM] Eliza’s Perphekt: why do you think he's a robot
[29/04/2012 11:08:33 PM] wilson the volleyball: yeah that was weird
[29/04/2012 11:08:43 PM] Benjamin Ford: I was thinking things up on the fly.
[29/04/2012 11:08:47 PM] wilson the volleyball: oh so
[29/04/2012 11:08:53 PM] wilson the volleyball: you weren't actually telling us how you feel?
[29/04/2012 11:08:53 PM] Benjamin Ford: You said to let it out. So I did.
[29/04/2012 11:09:09 PM] Benjamin Ford: No, I do feel like you are some robot.
[29/04/2012 11:09:15 PM] Benjamin Ford: And I was ranting for a bit.
[29/04/2012 11:09:16 PM] Eliza’s Perphekt: but WHY BEN WHY
[29/04/2012 11:09:27 PM] Benjamin Ford: BECAUSE HE SEEMS SO EMOTIONLESS!!
[29/04/2012 11:09:35 PM] Gamma Orionis: He isn't emotionless.
[29/04/2012 11:09:51 PM] Benjamin Ford: AND IT SEEMS LIKE HE'S PROGRAMED TO BE AN ASSHOLE!!
[29/04/2012 11:09:54 PM] Gamma Orionis: You should see him when he's getting fucked with a carrot
[29/04/2012 11:09:57 PM] Gamma Orionis: definitely not emotionless.
[29/04/2012 11:10:02 PM] Benjamin Ford: XD
[29/04/2012 11:10:07 PM] Gamma Orionis: (not as emotional as Lizz, though).
[29/04/2012 11:10:59 PM] wilson the volleyball: ben i seem emotionless to you because you have trouble reading complex emotions from other people. i'm not babying you, and you're not used to that. i'm not paying total attention to you, and you're not used to that. i'm not enabling your fixations, and you're not used to that. you completely misread situations emotionally. that's why i seem like an emotionless robot to you.

On the other hand, he claims to have narrowly avoided shooting his own foot off with his grandfather’s gun, so we’re not very worried.

"I need a life" - Benquotes

	“	I need a life.	„
	—An accurate self-assessment

	“	wilson the volleyball: how do you manage to make everything you say sound so retarded, tell me Eliza's Perphekt: we want to know your secrets Mr. Bean: I'm not telling any of them to you two, you'll just point and laugh.	„
	—We're already laughing

	“	Well, unfortunately, I have a concious.	„
	—Ben on why he doesn't break rules

	“	POOBLAH	„
	—Ben Ford

	“	Also, how'd you like to see My stories wedding vows via P.M.?	„
	—Ben is a narcissist, as the capitalization of his own possessive pronoun shows.

	“	Benjamin Ford: Shall I cut the cheese? Självdestruktivitetens Emissarie: wha Benjamin Ford: Shall I fart?	„
	—sex_pilus - no

	“	I turned transparent, which basically means I can become ghost like and I lack physical mass. It's perfect for when ye are in a duel or want to eavesdrop on a conversation.	„
	—Ben, misunderstanding the concept of ‘transparency’ as meaning 'batshit insane'

	“	What do you want to talk about?	„
	—How Ben begins every.single.conversation.

	“	Listen, I gotta go	„
	—Ben tends to initiate conversation with the previous question and then say this after a few lines, because he runs out of stock things to say.

	“	Suicide: Against. Only people who commit suicide are cowards.	„
	—Think about that wording for a sec

	“	Benjamin Ford: Do I need to resort to using the N word?	„
	—The prelude to the next message

	“	You nigger	„
	—There it is

	“	You little worthless gutter turd.	„
	—He really likes this phrase

	“	You are a stupid, selfish, crack smoking, worthless gutter turd!!	„
	—This is from the same message as the above quote

	“	Ninji Stars!!!	„
	—Ben Ford

	“	Benjamin Ford: Dune Coon can work as a penname. Benjamin Ford: And yes. I know what it means. Benjamin Ford: t's a racial slur to muslims.	„
	—Ben hates muslims

	“	Benjamin Ford: I'm a bit racist towards Memphis, and it's people. Benjamin Ford: No offense to you, Skitl, but I don't trust many Blacks.	„
	—Around blacks, never relax

	“	I didn't even know you could uninstall Skype. I always thought it was permenant.	„
	—Ben can use computerz?

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Gallery of Ben

Gallery About missing Pics

So many cats, so little time
Ben thinking deep thoughts
God damn look at that pedostache god damn
Ben with his mommy
Caveman looks way too enthusiastic

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Jesse Arbogast sitting on a toilet
The header from his Twitter. Note the retarded fanpicture
NINJI STAR
It's actually pronounced pooBLAAHH according to him
Implying anyone would be interested back
This is probably where he got the idea.
Like many retards who spend too much time on TVTropes, he has a tendency to point out irrelevant things that fit into trope categories. He also uses them in his OC profiles.
Ben declares war on a pairing nobody cares about.
There was absolutely no lead up to this, and he is proposing to the forum's admin. Draw your own conclusions.
Somewhere else in that clusterfuck, he said he was married to her.
Artist’s impression of Ben, or so we’re told.

Ben Ford: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 06:16, 13 January 2023

Contents

About Ben

Purchase of lolcow

Politics

Women of Ben

Ben and the Women

Jim Crow

Ben and the Magic Hobo

Cat Monglers Anonymous

Suicide Incident

Sex Fail

Ben’s Fanfiction

Tellatrix

Youtube Videos

What's wrong with him?

"I need a life" - Benquotes

Gallery of Ben

External Links

See also

Navigation menu

Revision as of 06:16, 13 January 2023 view source imported>Jacket Deprecated template. ← Older edit	Latest revision as of 06:16, 13 January 2023 view source imported>Jacket Deprecated template.
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Ben Ford: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 06:16, 13 January 2023

About Ben

Purchase of lolcow

Politics

Women of Ben

Ben and the Women

Jim Crow

Ben and the Magic Hobo

Cat Monglers Anonymous

Suicide Incident

Sex Fail

Ben’s Fanfiction

Tellatrix

Youtube Videos

What's wrong with him?

"I need a life" - Benquotes

Gallery of Ben

External Links

See also

Navigation menu

Search