Tiger's Wood
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Tiger Wumbasa Woods is a half-nigger / half Asian professional golfer famous for knowing where the white wimminz at. He's also known among specialists as an example of self-hating douchebag who-wants-to-escape-his-race-as-much-as-he-can, he is known to be a black man with a white penis.
Early Life
Tiger Woods was born at the age of zero with a putter in his hand with a black man for a father and an Asian woman for a mother. His dad used him as a slave for hauling around golf equipment and forced him to practice putting 14 hours a day. By the age of three Tiger was very good at putting balls in holes, and was whored out to old media TV hosts as a freakish golfing toddler.
Golf and that shit
As Tiger grew up, he continued to be a golf phenom, and after attending some shit college, quickly won a spot on the PGA tour.
In-between taking the wallets of all the white golfers and eating fried chickinz, Tiger managed to win at least 11 of out every 3 tournaments he played in, and win several majors.
Sometime in the early 2000s, he began secretly building a harem of white wimminz by raiding upscale whore houses in Miami and Vegas.
In 2004 he married hot and very white Swedish model and baby-sitter Elin Nordegrin.
In 2007 he started his own golf tournament in Washington, DC where rich fucks could pay $500 to watch Phil Michelson give him a blow job.
In 2008 he blew his knee out due to rough sex with his harem of white wimminz and was forced to take most of the year off.
In 2009 he returned from his knee injury to his former greatness, until the morning after thanksgiving when the entire world found out that...
TIGER KNOWS WHERE THE WHITE WIMMIZ AT
Thanksgiving night 2009.
Tiger is strung out on Ambien and text messaging someone.
His wife Elin asks who.
Tiger refuses to answer.
Elin grabs the phone.
Elin calls the person he's texting.
One of Tiger's harem members answers.
Elin goes batshit insane and hits Tiger in the mouth with a 9 iron.
Tiger runs to his Escalade and pulls out of the driveway.
Elin smashes the side window in chasing after him.
He swerves to get away and PWNs a fire hydrant and few dozen yards of shrubs before parking his Escalade firmly against a tree. (Asians can't drive properly, remember?)
Elin has troll's remorse and pulls him out of the car as paramedics arrive.
The harem emerges
Old media first broke the story on black Friday, reporting that Tiger Woods was seriously injured in a car accident, fucking the whole story up as they usually do.
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Truth will out, Taiwanese and Hong Kong scandal mongers started breaking the real story, obvious from the start really.
As the hours wore on it became clear that Tiger was not very badly injured, and that Elin's story about using a golf club to rescue Tiger from his crashed car just didn't add up. Then the reports of an argument over a mistress began to surface.
First it was just one mistress, some whore named Rachel Uchitel; but as time began to pass, more and more random whores began stepping forward claiming they had ongoing affairs with Tiger Woods, with emails and voice messages to prove it. Every last one of them white.
At this point it appears that a total of at least a dozen and a half white wimmiz (not including his wife or professionals) had their hair pulled and generally got raped by good old Tiger on a regular basis. Sauce
Breaking news: First whore horrified at how many whores Tiger was fucking, getting screened for STDs
Sex Rehab
In January 2010, Tiger (feeling remorseful) was spotted coming out of an exclusive sex rehab clinic in Mississippi. Apparently, Tiger suffered from "sex addiction", a helpless slave to his carnal needs, despite the fact that he could overcome said needs in the prescence of any nubile colored woman. Little is as of yet known about the kind of treatment Tiger is undergoing, but according to one of his hos, it ain't happenin':
Tiger Woods' 12th conquest, Loredana Jolie, says the disgraced golfer is such a freak in bed, his stint in a rehab for sex addiction probably won't cure him.
—Jolie | ||
Who's been fucking Mr. Woods
| Harem ID # | Name | Wife? | Whore? | Porn Star? |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 0 | Elin Woods | Yes | No | No |
| 1 | Rachel Uchitel | No | No | Yes |
| 2 | Jamie Grubbs | No | No | No |
| 3 | Kalika Moquin | No | No | No |
| 4 | Cori Rist | No | No | No |
| 5 | Jamie Jungers | No | Yes | No |
| 6 | Mindy Lawton | No | No | No |
| 7 | Holly Sampson | No | No | Yes |
| 8 | "No. 8" | No | ??? | ??? |
| 9 | "No. 9" | No | ??? | ??? |
| 10 | "No. 10" | No | ??? | ??? |
| 11 | Joslyn James | No | No | Yes |
| 12 | Loredana Jolie | No | Yes | Yes |
| 13-20? | Wat? | No | Yes | Some |
Tiger's career is now in great jeopardy (he even took an indefinite leave from golf), and everyone except him is laughing all the way to the bank. Of course he has his own bank, so he may have the last laugh.
SNL Lulzy for once
NBC keeps deleting any YouTube videos of this, so you'll have to watch it here. But not before viewing a 30 second commercial for a Blackberry. Download Adblock Plus you scrub.
Nike: JUST DO IT
Fox news' trolling of Tiger Woods
Public Apology
Tigger recently issued a forced & lulzy speech to seek fowgivawness pweez for his multiple sex adventures. The media lapped it up and welcomed their favorite non-threatening pseudo-nigger back with open arms and wallets, but Tiggers lovesluts were less than forgiving. One such cumdumpster named Joslyn James revealed to the media 200+ text messages that she had received from Tiger, and published them all freely available on her website under the guise of "setting the record straight".
But after all was said and done, men around the world retained their original opinion on the entire scandal, expressed here in the form of rap music.
Women on the other hand, retained their butthurt.
The Boondocks Uncle Ruckus weighs in
See Also
- Domestic Violence
- Golf
- Azn Nigger
- Michael Vick (Anotha brotha tha system kept down)
- Michael Jackson (Similar drug problem, was frequently mistaken for a white wimminz)
- Tatiana the Tiger
- Alan "Brenlo" Crosby
External Links
- Tiger's balls on eBay
- Twitter Page for Tiger's Escalade
- Latest on Tiger
- contains all of the texts Tiger sent to Joslyn James
- Tiger Woods as an example of self-hating black man
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