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Jedi

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DOESN'T THIS BADASS LOGO JUST MAKE YOU WANT TO JOIN SOME FAN-BASED RELIGION!?

The Jedi Church was started last Thursday by a sheep-fucker who was sick of being forced to enter a religion on his census form and, rather than starting a whiney protest blog about it, decided to make lulz of the situation instead. He demanded of his government that Jedi be recognized as a faith, as everyone has the right to their own beliefs, even if those beliefs are completely batshit. According to legend, an email was sent back to him stating that if 8000 people would call themselves disciples of the Jedi, it would be recognized.

As with Scientology, the lulz backfired. Within a week 53715 fat geeks who go to Star Wars conventions to argue with Liam Neeson about how Lightsabers work had crawled out of the woodwork. (Note: not a hypothetical anecdote. Neeson himself has complained in interviews that this actually fucking happens.)

Of course, the whole thing fell flat on it's fucking face. Too late, the younglings found out that being "Recognized" does not actually mean anything on paper and that they will be "Recognized but not counted" by the man. Nonetheless they continue to fight for Jedi rights to this day... and the lulz are strong with these ones.

Members

The Jedi Order will take anyone, so long as you have no sexual relationship. Race, creed, and color simply don't matter to the Jedi. However, since George Lucas failed to establish the existence of anything other than white people in his first Star Wars film, the Jedi have struggled ever since to convince minorities that they'll accept them. Recently, a recruitment film appeared on YouTube in an effort to reach out to black people:

  • Child of Member
    Child of Member
  • Mascot
    Mascot

Practices

The Jedi religion teaches the ways of the The Force. These ways are primarily composed of playing Lightsaber-Fu games, writing fanfic, and worshiping Princess Leia's excreted bodily fluids. They also believe in 7-foot-tall hairy beasts that are as devoted and loving as a pit bull crossed with Hillary Clinton, and each owns *and* cuddles a carnivorous teddy bear called an "Ewok."


A Padawan in training.


Religious Wars

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Because nothing is more equalizing than segregation, Jedi members are broken up by a hierarchy: Padawans, Knights, and Masters.

  • Padawans: Lowest of the Jedi Order. Noted by either having only seen one or two Star Wars movies. Considered nothing more than n00bs by the rest of the Jedis until they prove themselves. This usually involves proof that the Padawan has no real life outside of the Order, especially not one that includes friends, a job, or at least a halfway-attractive significant other. Many Padawans are also closet Trekkies and/or 4chan n00bs.
  • Knights: Have seen all six of the Star Wars flicks, including the two Clone Wars cartoon movies, at least three times. The first time is for the skimpy plot, the second time is for the special effects, while the third time is at the Dollar Cinemas so they can finally afford the overpriced popcorn and sodas. Each additional viewing is extra credit towards becoming a Jedi Master. Some Jedi Knights managed to hide that they still have some semblance of a real life outside the Order, although very few manage to maintain a stable relationship with any significant other of either sex for any significant length of time.
  • Masters: These are ubergeeks who have forsaken all aspects of normal life that might interfere with their enjoyment of any and all of the Star Wars movies, books, DVDs, comics, and documentaries. This includes, much to no one's surprise, maintenance of even the most basic personal hygiene. Needless to say, this helps keep the Jedi ranks small due to lack of procreation. A Jedi achieves Master status when he/she/it acquires a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special on VHS and manages to masturbate and orgasm while watching it. Currently the requirement is that the bootleg be on VHS, but, with DVD becoming more common, there is some talk of loosening the restrictions to at least allow viewing of DiVX/XViD copies, or, barring that, a YouTube copy.

Having no other friends, Jedis seek each other out in comic book shops and video arcades, and get together in their mother's basements to attempt to choke each other using only The Force. Until 9/11, a test of a Jedi Padawan's readiness for knighthood was whether or not he could slip past an airport security point by waving a hand and telling the NTSB security guard "...You don't need to see my boarding pass." This has since been changed to where the Padawan must now walk through a crime-infested Ghetto and ask the black person "Wha's happenin, Bro? Where all de ho's at?" without getting their throat cut or being given directions back to their Mother's house.

FAQs

Question: Can I Get Married If I'm A Jedi?

Answer: NO! NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T! THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE STORY!

Question: Should Jedi Be Allowed To Use Their Mind Powers To Gain Sexual Pleasure?

Answer: Why the fuck not?

See also

Jedi
is part of a series on
Obscure Religions
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