Egypt

Egypt Nao

Egypt used to be a swell enough place...

...but then Pharaoh enslaved the Jews.

If you're mean to the Jews, God will give you a tourist industry. Go vandalize Wikipedia RIGHT NOW!

Egypt is the largest province of Saudi Arabia its populatation is thought to number somewhere in the region of 10 buzzillion E-Gypsies all of which own at least 10 cell phones and 33 Twitter accounts per rag-head. Egypt was once an empire ruled over by all powerful race of super Aliens and was known for its magnificent, far-reaching civilization and complex sewer network. Over 9000 years ago Egypt earned infinite special bonus points for making a bunch terrorists butthurt when the great Pharaoh drove a herd of Golden Egg Laying Geese out of Egypt and accross the Red Sea.

By the third century B.C., it was known only for Camels. Since then, Egypt has been pwned by the Greeks, the Persians, the Romans, the Orginal Arabs (Egyptians are actually Berbers who later became to arabs), the Kurds, former Turkish military slaves and the Ottoman Turks, the French, the Albanians, the Brits, a short time also by the Germans and the Israelis and probably you.

In 1979 or thereabouts, Egypt became the first Arab state to sign a peace treaty with Israel when Jimmy Carter asked Prime Minister Sadat real polite-like to do so. Now the Egyptians have nothing to do. Shukran, rafiki, you need taxi? Change money? Bitrol? I can obtain for you this bitrol, okay, let's go.

Today Egypt is mostly known for its many bus crashes involving western tourists. If you see an E-Gypsie that isnt rolling dung with his legs into a gigantic ball, make sure you are carrying luggage as they will either think its a suitcase bomb destined for Israel or a chance to earn some shekels and instinctively offer to carry it up to your room for pocket change.

Ancient Egypt

The original E-Gypsies built many technological wonders, assisted by some shit noone gives a fuck about. They also invented furry buttsecks and perfected the art of Mummification for the purpose of supporting its only functioning economy, the tourism and hospitality industry.

Famous Pharaohs

During ancient times, Egypt was not ruled by the Arabs but rather by Egyptians. Listed here are some of the most famous ones.

• Narmer, the founder of Egypt. Obviously the biggest furry of them all.
• Pepi II, famed for having 3pic buttsecks with his General repeatedly, which caused his death in the 96th year of his reign.
• Princess Amen-ra, cursed to destroy shit, helped an iceberg pwn the Titanic.
• Hatshepsut, the first known feminist, who's hobbies included pwning her stepson Thutmose III because he was MALE and crossdressing.
• Akhenaten, a man whose severe daddy issues and hatred of the normal Egyptian practice of worshiping furries led him to create a new religion centered on worshiping Aten, the sun disc. Unfortunately for Akhenaten the normal Egyptian population enjoyed jerking off to statues of Thoth too much to convert, and they pwned his monuments after his death. Akhenaten was also a family man who loved to have sex with his young female children. Unrelated, but still amusing, if his remaining monuments are anything to go by, he had an even bigger chin than Jay Leno.
• King Tut was made famous for having lots of cool stuff buried with him when he died. Other than that, his power lvl was basically 0.
• Ramses the Great's pastimes included counting his children and pwning the rest of the known world. Some people think he was the first one who had to deal with the Jews thinking that they had 1337 skillz that made them better than everyone else.
• Nectanebo II, the last native pharaoh of Egypt before Persia fucked his shit up. Also notable for being a creepy little fucker, some sources suggest he would whisper commands to people he killed, and tell them to do what he wanted in the underworld.
• Cleopatra was the last pharaoh of Egypt. She is known for molesting her little brother, then banging two famous Roman guys for power. One day she accidentally a snake, and ended up dead. Though it is thought it may have been on purpose due to a turning point in the war.

But of course, we can't forget about Egypt's later rulers. Here are some of the most notable.

• Saladin was a Kurd who took over Egypt on behalf of some Syrian dude. Today, he's best known among westerners for alternately fighting and fucking Richard the Lion Heart.
• Muhammad Ali Pasha, an Albanian who took over in the 19th Century after slaughtering the Mamluks.
• Mubarak, longest-reigning dictator-pharaoh in modern Egypt, well-known for his brutal army of police mercenary. and a major anti-lulz advocate.

Pyramids

E-Gypsies were once recognised as some of the greatest builders of penis monuments and hillarious gigantic angular b00bies to evar live. This tradition of phalic and titty idolisation has since phased into dormancy due to the fact that the original E-Gypsies ran out of Mana nuggets during the Great Wild Goose Chase and they also converted from win to fail by adopting the religion of local rednecked terrorists. Without the potent spell accelerating Mana nuggets in the E-Gypsies possession they were unnable to bewitch the standing army of labourers into moon cricket form, the only productive form they are known to have.

Did you know? Pyramids were also used to store both dead and living people within amongst the accumulated treasures of the greatest of the Egyptian Pharaohs. Most of which were later borrowed and preserved a few thousand years later by the original Egyptians. E-Gypsies abiding by their new ghey religion began to take greater interest in Aisha lolis and thus stopped tending to the pyramids, they wound up crumbling to shit. The Nubians tried to build pyramids, but failed horribly. Today, the remaining wonders of the Ancient world have been conquered by tourists in Hawaiian shirts and Arab wanting to make a buck guiding them around on starving camels.

Revolution 2011-2013-?

In January of 2011 the E-Gypsies decided living on U.N welfare handouts like a bunch of niggers was moronic, so much so that it would be nice to give anyone with a television set around the world something back. So they set about to instigate a Greater Egyptian renaisence of arts, culture and traditional Egyptian values. The E-Gypsies, being today a good Allah fearing group of closet terrorists still largely unfamiliar with the ways of old decided to start the process of renewal off by relearning the basics of Freemasonry.

Unfortunately, the Masons turned down including Egypt in their cabalistic empire on the basis that Egypt is a shithole. Islamists on the other hand were more the happy to give it a go. They won free and democratic elections, the first ones ever in Egypt. Then, in good old Islamist style they immediately set out sneaky reforms to destroy what little freedom and democracy that was achived, while telling the e-gypsies that giving that Morsi dude absolute powers was OK because he is a pretty nice guy. In a recent and very confusing development, the e-gypsies not only realized what was going on but also got off their butts and turned up in force and numbers. They'll probably still fail in the end, since they are after all Arabs, but one has to admire them for trying. It's a bit like watching "So you think you can dance" when they show off one of those phat chicks. Atta girl, you can do it!

Actually, you can scratch the above. The real reason for the revolution was that the Islamists promised the e-gypsies cheap bread and gas (i.e. more welfare), jobs, no power blackouts during Oprah, and 72 virgins. They failed to deliver on any of that for almost a year, which is a very long period of time compared to the long-term planning ability of an average sand nigger, which is generally on par with a squirrel. So who knows how this will end. They'll probably have a war with Israel just to kill off some of those thugs (the gypsies, not israelis)[1].

A women almost raped on the Tahrir Square, but got away. Countless others were much less lucky.

Here is a video of E-Gypsies sorting which of thier fine selection of rocks should form the cornerstone of their latest
and greatest penis monument. Do note in great respect for the ancient Egyptian tradition the builders of penis monuments must also An Hero
themselves during the erection process.

Previous Video | Next Video

Getting fully adapted to modern Egyptian Society

-When you walk through a metal detector with metallic objects on your person, setting it off, and you don't blink nor break stride. And no one cares.

-When mall security is tighter than the airport security.

-When you begin dinner with friends at 2AM and finish at 6AM.

-When your professor says it's okay to copy/paste your reaction papers, he's expecting it.

-When you get stuck behind a group of arm linked Egyptian women, who walk as slow as the day is long, and are unable to find your way around.

-When black African's aren't allowed in your apartment building, as they will be arrested...and your landlord is a black African.

-As a woman, you have really tan hands, feet and face.

-As a man, you have really tan arms, feet and face.

-When Egyptian children begin calling you a whore.

-When you are aware of your juice man's war with the fish guy across the street.

-When you look in the mirror at your shoulders and wonder when will be the next time they see the sun.

-When you walk between speeding cars, all the while holding a conversation with the one your walking with.

-When you tell your relatives who've made plans to visit, not to.

-When you can sleep through anything.

-When you know that 'Baraka' water sucks.

-When you catch yourself repeating to yourself the 'out of credit' phrase you've heard on your phone a number of times....'afwan...'

-When it seems perfectly normal to have someone riding in the trunk of your car

-When you feel deprived if you get juice less than three times a day

-When you are used to Egyptians acting as if you haven't eaten anything because you don't want thirds

-When you no longer divert your path, nor think it a bit disconcerting, when you see a truck full of propane tanks with a couple of guys smoking and banging on them with metal bars.

-When you instinctively put up your hand with your thumb pressed against all your other fingertips and wave it in a threatening manner to tell someone to either fuck off, stop honking, or otherwise chill out.

-When (as a guy) you no longer think twice about kissing the Egyptian dudes you just met up with on each of their cheeks, but don't even shake the hands of their girlfriends.

-When 6 Stellas no longer make your head hurt the next day.

-When you actually get pissed off about paying 3 extra pounds for a cab ride cause you are a foreigner (c'mon, its like .50 cents).

-When you expect to break a number of US copyright laws in order to get the reading materials for next week's seminar.

-When more than a quarter of a million pigs will be killed for no reason.

-Not thinking twice as you smash the ants that crawl out of your keyboard.

- When you find yourself editing this page at 4.24am.

-When you see women in clothes that end above their knees and think it's scandalous.

-When finding a black and white taxi with air-conditioning is the highlight of your week.

-When you start editing your grocer's daughter's love notes for her every week.

-When you return back to Jew York and you are on a first name basis at every hookah lounge on the lower east side in search of the perfect 2am sheesha!!!

-You stare and point at white people. And you're white.

-When, although you are around only non-Arabs, you are still hesitant to put your foot up cause you are worried about offending somebody.

-When you get offended by somebody placing the bottom of their shoe near you.

-When you can't taste the pollution in Down Town anymore.

-When you get very excited at a few rain drops.

-When you arrive 20 minutes late to an event to be early.

-When you actually start using a squeegee to clean your floors.

-When the cockroaches lying overturned on your floor become obstacles to step over--or on--and are no longer a source of disgust.

-When you pay 20 LE for a full meal...and that was your "splurge" for the week. ...unless you live on the AUC campus(Americunts Liberal hole in the Middle East), when 20 LE meals are something special because they are cheaper.

-When you travel to someplace in the Western world and impulsively respond to vendors with "لا شكرًا" even though they have no idea what that means.

-When outside of Egypt, you find yourself frustrated that you can't just walk into a pharmacy and get whatever antibiotics and sleeping pills you want without a prescription.

-When you don't think it's strange that the directions to the bookstore includes the phrase "take a left at the homeless lady".

-When tea just isn't tea unless its been supplemented with any less than 3 tablespoons of sugar

-When you're genuinely amazed the guy who just offered you directions in the street didn't also take the opportunity to try to interest you in some perfumes and papyrus (or at the very least drop in a word or two about 'baghsheesh')

-When you know the salesman's script as well as he does

-When a cheeky afternoon trip to the pyramids seems perfectly normal

-When you end up paying 20LE for a taxi ride because you just cant be bothered to barter anymore

-When you use the morning prayer as an alarm clock to go home before the sun comes up :)

-When you don't even notice all the men staring at you or screaming obscenities at you anymore!

-When you pick the crappiest looking black and white cabs, cause you more likely to save a pound or two.

-When the police officers are the ones who are most likely to sexually harass you, or in some cases rob you.

-When you return home, bribing a cop lands you in jail, as opposed to getting you out of being stopped for racing, not having a license, hitting someone etc...

-When you go to the dirtiest restaurants, cause they make the best shawerma.

-If you eat another plate of foul you think your gonna die, especially in Ramadan.

-Your maid steals your stuff, and it doesn't even really bother you any more.

-You find yourself spitting at men who bother you in the street, and it doesn't seem crazy at all.

-You have beaten street kids off your car with the stick you keep behind your seat.

-You've gotten used to being groped, punched, shoved etc..., by the smelly masses that ride the metro, its part of your daily commute. -When you bring your ipod to the library to drown out the noise.

-When your baweb (doorman) thinks you're a pimp/slut for having so many western-clothed, unmarried, members of the opposite sex coming into your building with you.

-When the visibility is less than 300 meters and you think it's a nice day.

-Or, when (if you're in your twenties) someone ask you if you are married, you say no, and they ask you why and think there must be something wrong with you.

-When you can live off a hundred dollar bill for the next three months, with seventy to spare.

-When you think it's ok to buy milk from the man at the door.

-When you stop wearing a watch. it's either morning, afternoon, or evening.

-When it doesn't matter if you smoke or not, your risk of lung cancer just got multiplied.

-When you can write a list this long you know you've been in Egypt for too long.

-When you're happy that the summer started.

-When you know which are the freshest goods sold on your street because you wake up every Friday and Saturday morning to someone screaming "batatas" or "tamatem" or something similar right by your apartment.

-When you have a man/woman staring at you while your going to the bathroom, waiting to turn the water on for you, and it doesn't bother you.

-When lighting up a cigarette and smoking it in a mall becomes normal but yet leaning against the railing is a problem and mall security asks you to please move

-For girls: When guys hissing at you, smacking their lips, or calling out "mozza!" is expected and little more than an annoyance. In fact, without the above- you consider your venture unusual, incomplete, and maybe even begin to wonder if you look manly that day...

-When democracy starts to be a scary prospect.. Oh, and Siwa water is even worse than Baraka.

-When you take off your sandals and see the lines of clean and dirt and think nothing of it.

-When you get frustrated in the Western world that stores don't deliver at 4 am.

-When you get confused in the Western world whether or not you are supposed to tip the Comcast guy for his services.

-When you cave and start to wonder if Titanic really is worth watching again...

-When the hot news of the day is yet another ridiculous overblown misunderstanding on Cairo Scholars OL lists, among foreigners whose names you recognize but have never met.

-When giving directions to your apartment, you say "hang a right at the very large, overflowing dumpster" and your friends say "oh, ok got it."

-When you realize that living in Alexandria is like living in a very very very SMALL and QUIET city!!!

-When you're still hearing "Welcome to Egypt!" (after you've lived here for 5 months).

-When "My color!!!" becomes your new pick-up line.

-When you no longer think "Welcome to Alaska" is remotely funny.

-When you realize that there is a universal taxi hand gesture that means "I don't know where tagama al khemas is, and I'm about to double your fare." Feen gamma? Feen gamma!!!!

-When you're blown away that the subway ticket seller gave you correct change ON THE FIRST TRY!

-When the tourist police who sit everyday outside of your apartment know you and your roommates as "those girls" because there are always boys coming to visit your apartment

-When you can recite the sequence of the desk numbers you must visit at the Mogamma to get your visa renewed from memory.

-When your Egyptian friends ask you how much you paid for something at the souk/market with that snarky little smile anticipating a few minutes of ridiculing the stupid foreigner who always overpays; but instead your answer makes them shut the fuck up.

-When you stay awake at night thinking of ways to swindle Egyptians out of money to get back at them for all their tired scams.

-When Mcdonalds comes to your house faster than the police does.

See Also

• Africa
• Arab
• Israel
• Hosni Mubarak
• Palestine
• Sudan
• The Great Egyptian Riot of 2011
• Alec Difrawi
• Internet Revolution
• Yu Gi Oh

Egypt is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.