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Colton Tooley: Difference between revisions
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Latest revision as of 21:53, 8 June 2015
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Colton Tooley was a normal, kind college student from Texas, who came to town dressed for success, seemingly ready to follow in the grand tradition of Charles Whitman and go for the high score, but pussed out at the last minute and became an hero. Faggot.
The Man
Colton Tooley, (a.k.a "The Tool" or "Good excuse to miss class"), was just your average 19 year old attending the University of Texas at Austin, studying math. Everyone who knew him seems to agree that he was an "excellent student who couldn't or wouldn't hurt a fly". HE WAS EVEN INTERESTED IN GUN CONTROL, YOU GUISE! (Even though he had a fucking AK-47.) In this respect, some lulz can be found in the fact that apparently Noone saw it coming. Suicide is always the best kind of surprise! Never mind that he described himself as "socially detached", checked out a few gun shows, etc.- it shocked fucking everyone, okay!?
The Incident
On September 28th, 2010 at 7:22 a.m., our hero boarded a bus from his mom's house to ride to campus. His attire has been described as decidedly boss-like: A badass suit with a goddamn tie to make that shit so fresh. At this point, however, it was concealed by a lameass white hoodie. During the trip, he's just chilling out, maxin', relaxin', all cool, staring out the window or some emo shit, cradling his backpack with an inconspicuous mailing tube sticking out the top of it. (Hint: It's the gun.)
At 8:09, Toodles gets off of the bus and goes to war. When we next join him, he's ditched the hoodie for a slick black jacket and gotten in touch with his inner jihad, donning a black ski mask. One minute later, he was seen to be running towards campus, passing up multiple targets as he fired 11 shots into the air and ground. Like a retard.
People started calling 911, and the Texas justice system unleash the fucking fury, dispensing the SWAT, some helicopters, AND A FUCKING APC. While this shit was moblizing, the school got locked down tighter than Justin Bieber's asshole, and Colton sprinted into the campus library, waved to the security camera, (still not threatening anyone here), and ran up to the sixth floor.
He then walked around for a minute, and at approximately 8:20, shot himself in the face. Just when it looked as though lulz of epic proportions were upon us, the selfish bastard had to go and spoil everybody's fun. He had an AK-47, a ski mask, and a motherfucking suit, and all did was go for a jog, climb some stairs, and shoot himself. Fail. By the time the cops got there, it was already over.
Or is it? Perhaps we've been trolled harder than we've ever been trolled before. Think about it: an unsuspecting kid with no clear motive runs around a campus with an assault rifle, and shoots nobody but himself. MINDFUCK! They'll be chewing on that one for years! Or, you know, he's just a loser with no balls, and will go down in the annals of ED as such. Faggot.
TL;DR: Kid fails at killing anyone. Shoots self.
Aftermath
Classes got cancelled for the day, and nobody really even cared. Some guy had been planning on giving a lecture called "More Guns, Less Crime" that afternoon. Fucking hilarious. The next day, however, the campus was inundated with news crews. Fellow mournful students were quoted as saying that they'd rather be Tooley's worthless brains rather than make up that fucking exam they got to miss the day before. A group of Moralfags held a candlelight vigil that night. Surprise, surprise! Nobody gave a shit then, either. Two days later, they reopened the sixth floor just as the cleaning crews bleached the last spots of Killer Colt from the rug.
Conspiracy?
Some believe that there may have been a second shooter. Others have speculated that Tooley was actually killed. But we all know what really happened.
