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Samuel Cassidy: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 00:10, 1 February 2024
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| Samuel Cassidy | |
| Nationality: | Americunt 
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| High Score | 9 killed, 0 injured |
| Top 50? | No |
| Style | FPS, Single player |
| An Hero? | Yes |
Samuel James Hyde Cassidy (a.k.a. Sam Ass-a-Diddly and Sam the Ham) was a fat boomer cunt who shot a bunch of losers at a railyard in San Jose, California because they all made fun of him for being a bigger loser than they were. Unlike other shooters in 2021, he seemed to have some semblance of a plan, as he targeted specific individuals. While his score was not very high, he made sure to kill those he had come for, making him at least a pretty good version of a Hitman 3 tutorial level. However, like most shooter pussies, he killed himself before the cops could take a crack at him. He lived like a coward and he died like one too. More importantly, however, is that Sammy serves as a fantastic example of the US government completely failing at their job in that they did not warn the Valley Transportation Authority about his plan to fucking murder them all.
The TSA Fails Again
Like most shooters, it was clear that Sam should not have ever been allowed to own a gun, let alone "three pistols and 32 magazines on him and a stockpile of ammunition and guns at home". This included extended magazines, which hold more than 10 rounds and are illegal to possess in California.
He was stopped by the TSA after returning from a trip to the Philippines on August 8, 2016. He had taken the trip so that he could buttfuck a few kids overseas without authorities giving him any guff. Turned out they suspected him anyways, but instead of finding panties and CP in his bag, they found a bunch of shooter manifestos, books about terrorism, and several edgy poems about how much he hated his co-workers. Instead of arresting him like the obvious criminal that he was, they simply called him a pussy while kicking him out of the airport security room. "You don't have the guts...", they whispered in his ear as they slid his little black murder book back into his hand. "Do it, faggot..."
In their defense, the TSA was right. It took him until several years later to finally go postal. Whether this was because he was a massive pussy or if he was simply distracted by all of the CP on his computer is still under debate.
—CNN, explaining how a child rapist traveling back and forth between the US and the Philippines with terrorist manifestos somehow slipped through the fingers of the government | ||
Walking Away From the Explosion Without Looking Back
Before he got down to murdering his coworkers, Sammy decided it would probably be a good idea to burn his house down to the ground. This was likely due to having the following in his home:
- Massive amounts of illegal child porn on his computer.
- More guns and ammunition.
- Several terror-friendly items (such as premade Molotov cocktails).
Since he simply could not carry all of this evidence with him before hitting the reset button as the police arrived on the scene, he decide to delete fucking everything after he left the house to get to the second level. What were the cocktails for, Sam? Did you have a plan A and end up settling for plan B? Or were you too fat to carry the backpack that held them? I guess we will never know, eh fatass?
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 9/20 9 killed, 0 injured |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 20/20 All shots hit on target |
| Style: | 5/20 Another unoriginal workplace shooting |
| Butthurt: | 10/20 Decent amount of initial butthurt, was forgotten about in a week though |
| Bonus: | 15/20 Set his own house on fire |
Wanted Level:
Police Force
See Also
- Brandon Scott Hole
- Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa
- Randy Robert Stair
- Timothy Hendron
- Crime
- Mass Murder
- Mass Shooting
- Murder
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Samuel Cassidy |
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[Xbox]
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