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Alek Minassian: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 02:38, 7 August 2024
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
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|---|---|
| Alek Minassian | |
| Born | November 3, 1992 (32 years old) |
| Nationality: | Soviet Canuck 
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| Highscore | Killed |
| Top 50? | 15th |
| Style | Carmaggedon |
| An Hero? | Epic (suicide by police) Fail |
| Motive: | Virgin with rage |
Alek Minassian
(confirmed ED user!) is an Armenian-Canadian best known worldwide as the former high score holder for Canadian usage of Carmageddon, when on April 23rd, 2018, he utilized the well-proven truck of peace to relieve 11 unfortunate Canucks of their lives. Like other national treasures such as Luka Magnotta, Marc Lépine, and Justin Trudeau, Alek Minassian sought to improve his life, and ideally end it, through bloodshed and notoriety. Unfortunately for him, as a certified autist, he couldn't even get the police to shoot him, thus finding himself cucked for the umpteenth time.
Life Before Going Postal
Minassian was born in Toronto, Canada, and was educated at Thornlea Secondary School. He was described as fidgety and socially awkward, symptoms that in retrospect clearly indicated autism. He was so lonely that he even sometimes hugged himself and made strange noises. Described as a "socially inept" sped, Alek was known for meowing at his classmates. An interview with his mother, Sona Minassian, suggested that he suffered from Assburgers syndrome. Having no friends or social life, Minassian got good at computers and created an Android app to locate parking spaces in Toronto. Alek also briefly trained for the Canuckistan army before getting kicked out 16 days in due to general incompetency. At the time of his attack, Minassian had just graduated from Seneca College, a local post secondary intuition.
Incel Rebellion
As a retarded sperg just like you, Alek retreated into the world of the internets to occupy his free time. He could mostly be found complaining about Chads and Stacies on r9gay and other incel forums. He was also a lurker on this very site! Eventually, Alek decided it was turn his life around. He was going to finally get himself some female attention. Instead of listening to dumb normalfag advice such as learning some social skills, picking up the art of PUA to bang some ugly roasties, or perhaps hitting the gym, he was going to go on one final mission. Alek went to a van rental store to pick up his weapon of choice at noon on April 23, 2018. After being laughed at by the employees of the store due to not knowing how to drive it, Alek returned to the parking lot to post his mission statement on Facebook.
The bucolic nation of Canada was knocked into action by a 2.3 ton white moving van, hurtling down a pedestrian walkway at highway speeds. Eyewitnesses reported flying bodies, smushed Canucks, and the wails of wives and children, as Alek deftly maneuvered his vehicle through crowds. After 20 minutes of Grand Theft Auto re-enactment, the vehicle hit a bollard. Minassian stepped out and pointed his phone at the police like a gun in an attempt to get the suicide by cop achievement. Unfortunately, it turns out the pigs are the real Chads, and Minassian really was just another virgin, and he was promptly cucked when the police v& and detained him without firing a single shot. As a result of this oversight, he can look now forward to being sentenced to a date with the Booty Warrior, for so long as it pleases His Majesty.
Supreme Gentlemenry
At first, the Old Media was convinced itself that this was yet another case of mental illness, then as possibly revenge for the Armenian genocide, or possibly the innate violence of autists manifested in truck format. Meanwhile, the retards top minds on Reddit and /pol/ convinced themselves that the religion of peace was once again the culprit. The truth turned out to be far purer, far more elegant - it was to be the start of the incel uprising. In an ill-advised post to Facebook, Alek Minassian promised to overthrow the Chads and the Stacies, and praised the Supreme Gentleman himself - conveniently neglecting to note that without thots, he would never get laid. He actually managed to surpass his hero Elliot Rodger's kill count by 5. Alek therefore has proven to have mastered the art of being a Supreme Gentlemen! Well done!
Needless to say, the feminists lost their shit, and a torrent of vitriol flowed from the old media on the dangers of toxic masculinity and autistics.
Aliases
- Alek "Alone in the Sheets, Beast on the Streets" Minassian
- Alek "Mental in the Rental" Minassian
- Alek "Running Amok in the Truck" Minassian
- Alek "Stimmin for Women" Minassian
- Alek "Fighter in the Ryder" Minassian
- Alek "Destroyed the Femoid Because I was Annoyed" Minassian
- Alek "Virgin with an Urgin" Minassian
- Alek "Date with the Booty Warrior after I Meet with my Lawyer" Minassian
Gallery
Videos
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Previous Video | Next Video |
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 11/20 (15 injured) |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 8/20 Not bad accuracy wise |
| Style: | 20/20 Most effective use of Grand Theft Auto in Canada |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 Feminists in an outrage; the Prime Minister personally bawled on Twitter |
| Bonus: | 20/20 Beta Uprising copycat, trolled feminazis, etc. |
Wanted Level:
Police Force
See Also
- Beta Uprising
- Fedora
- Friend Zone
- Gabriel Wortman - currently holding the FPS high score in maple syrup land.
- Marc Lepine - another virgin with rage from Canada and former high score holder.
- George Sodini
- Love Shy
- Luka Magnotta - a Faggot from Toronto who killed kitties and a chink for internet attention.
- Marjan Siklic
- Misogyny
- Nice guys
- Virgin
|
Spree/One-time Killers: |
Aaron Alexis • Adam Lanza • Alex Hribal • Alyssa Bustamante • Anthony Warner • Audrey Hale • Bruce Jeffrey Pardo • Casey Anthony • Cho Seung-Hui • Devin Patrick Kelley • Dylan Klebold • Dylann Storm Roof • Eric Harris • Gerry McCann • James Holmes • Jared Lee Loughner • Jason Rodriguez • Jeff Weise • Jiverly Voong • Joe Stack • Josef Fritzl • Laaiti Ekenstéen • Mark Essex • Martin Bryant • Matthew de Grood • Matthew Murray • Matti Saari • Maurice Clemmons • Pekka-Eric Auvinen • Raoul Moat • Richard Speck • Robert Hawkins • Stephen Paddock • Tim Kretschmer • Timothy Hendron • TJ Lane • Tyler Peterson • Wade Michael Page • Woo Bum-kon |
|---|---|---|
| Career/Serial Killers: |
Academy Maniacs • Adolf Hitler • Charles Manson • Chris Benoit • Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs • Dubya • Jack the Ripper • Jeffrey Dahmer • Mao Zedong • Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski • Ted Bundy | |
| Terrorists: |
Al Qaeda • Anders Behring Breivik • Anderson Lee Aldrich • Anton Lundin Pettersson • Dzhokhar Tsarnaev • Elliot Rodger • George Sodini • Maniacs Murder Cult • Mark Essex • Nidal Malik Hasan • Osama bin Laden • Tamerlan Tsarnaev • Ted Kaczynski | |
| See also: |
Antisocial personality disorder • Jews • Murder • Paranoid personality disorder • Pittsburgh Paint Job • Police Brutality • Sick fuck |
| Alek Minassian is part of a series on Soviet Canuckistan [Expand]
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| Featured article April 23 & April 24, 2022 | ||
| Preceded by Incel |
Alek Minassian | Succeeded by Daddy |