John Howard

Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, it's only right. To think about the girl you love, and hold her tight. So happy together!

File:JohnHoward.jpg The Honourable John Howard aka. the greatest human being ever, is the former Prime Minister of Australia, a noted Cuntservative Fascist and IRL troll who eventually left after the people were baited by Kevin Rudd unaware next few years of torment the people would go through. Mr. Howard is known for his small stature and stark resemblance to a Jim Henson muppet, an appearance befitting someone who spent most of his leadership years with George W. Bush's arm shoved up his arse.

After achieving power at least 100 years ago, he was originally lauded for encompassing traditional Australian values, but left many Aussies butthurt over his higher interest rates and other forms of responsible economic management. With breathtaking political savvy, Howard spent his eleven year reign sustaining economic growth, improving diplomatic ties with nearby Azns, and further securing Australia's future as America's 51st state. Long-time Howard bumbuddy Peter Costello was most likely succeed him as his party's leader, with Howard himself resigning to form the Australian Lemon Party. Costello also quit after his noble leader resigned. Oh noes who will lead the liberals, find out next next episode of "Pokemon: Master Quest!".

While undoubtedly noted John Howard had an outstanding Cocaine addiction. To the many lulz of 1969 and the society, certain "High Roller" big time drug dealers, celebrities, musicians, and artists found to their amusement that John Howard was a raging homosexual. John Howard has also been linked and charged with the Lulacaust.

Little did Australia realize that following Howard's defeat, Rudd would lead the Aussies to some of the wackiest shit ever, much of which is covered in ED's 2010 article. You know how September 11 made Bush obscenely popular until he did ridiculous stuff? Howard was basically Rudd's 9/11: something awful that gave him the power to do whatever the fuck he wanted.

Mildly interesting information

One of Howard's first actions in office, April 1996, was to organise the world's biggest 'civilian' vs. civilian massacre at Port Arthur as a pretext to disarming the nation. This charming tactic actually worked, and the 99.98% of the law-abiding gun-owning population was all but disarmed. This process was in line with best practice as laid down by his personal idols, Hitler, Mao and Stalin.

Howard had an inability to lie convincingly, but for some reason, the Australian public were shocked and appalled every time he did it. You'd think the Aussies might have smartened up and realised that politicians, like everyone else, actually lie- but they didn't. I mean, seriously, guys, come on. How fucking hard was it to work out, for fuck's sake? Howard was a seasoned troll, using his power to undermine workers' rights and embarrass the union movement in Australia with his WorkChoices legislation. It is a well-known fact outside Australia that he did this not for the sake of the economy, but for the lulz.

Howard had a definite tendency to do things that the Aussies didn't see coming. Examples include passing the 'WorkChoices' legislation that he'd not told the electorate he was planning, bringing in the GST after promising that the GST was "never, ever" going to be introduced by his government, and supporting the hunt for WMD in Iraq. As a result of this, there have been hushed rumours that he was the inspiration for the meme HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

Hypersensitive chardonnay socialists take great umbrage to anything and everything Howard does, with such stunning political commentary as "OMG JOHN HOWARD IS A NAZI!!1" Which, y'know, isn't really true. Because Howard han't used his time in office to perpetrate the slaughter of millions of Jews. If he'd done that, he would probably be more popular.

Howard, as with any prominent world leader, is the focus of absolutely side-splitting political parody and satire. The most brilliant political minds work together to come up with such anti-Howard gems as "Howard is a coward". Most of Howard's detractors are misinformed pothead students with no political sense. As opposed to most of his supporters, who are generally the tax-dodging scum of the upper middle class.

Howard, after losing the 2007 election and his seat in parliament, immediately approached G. W. Bush and promptly sucked him off while begging him for work as a 'hot personal maid'. Despite Howard already having purchased the costume, Bush simply bukkaked Howard's face and turned him over to the Log Cabin Republicans. Bush did it for teh lulz, and for this, if nothing else, we salute the silly coke-raddled little prick.

Howard lost his own seat in the 2007 election, and is only the second Australian Prime Minister to have had this happen since Australia imported its first steam engine in 1929. In other words, he's a fucking loser.

Howard was educated entirely for free at public schools and fee-free Universities and has spent his entire political career fucking over subsequent generations by trying to deny them the same opportunities. In other words, he's a hypocritical cunt.

Howard lived with his Mother for almost half of his life, even getting her to sell the family home and move to a different suburb so he could try to win a seat for the Liberal party. When he failed at this he made her sell the new place and move back. Ever hear of 'moving out of your mom's basement, fuckhead? In other words, he's a basement dwelling Oedipal-complexed Mummy's boy.

Howard only moved out of home in 1971 at the age of 31, and only because he got married and presumably his Mum had to stop breastfeeding him when Janette, his new wife, was around because she felt weird about it. He's spent the rest of his political career telling the most disadvantaged sections of society that they need to stand on their own two feet and that they should not be supported by others. In other words, he's a gobsmackingly hypocritical fucking little cunt.

When Howard is not being a party girl for US Republican man-trains, he likes to relax by watching dwarf porn. This is because he finds women taller than he is a turn on.

In a recent made-up survey, 88% of Australians have confirmed that they wouldn't piss on Howard if he was on fire. The other 12% have been infected by his Hitleresque cult of personality and are bawwwwing that Australia's greatest Prime Minister has nothing better to do than gobble Republicum and lie about his golf scores.

Internets Revolution

Wikipedia Tampering

Mr Howard, knowing full well that he was facing humiliation the 2007 election, resorted to desperate measures to try to win. Here's a fine example of one of his attempts to rewrite history: tampering with wikipedia. This has resulted in Wikipedia locking his article so that only admins can edit it. If there is any justice in the world, you'd head over there right now and do everything you can to vandalise the fuck out of it.

YouTube

John Howard is on YouTube! SEE! He's not old and out of touch with the young folks! He's as "cool" and "hip" as the next "happening" young "dude"! "Radical!"

MySpace

Howard is Mr Popularity himself when it comes to social networking on the internets: he has a phenominal ~~nine~~ eight(!) friends, including Tom. Truly revolutionary campaigning, we don't know how he does it.