Amy Schumer

This is what she really looks like

Amy Schumer^✡, better known as "that bleached-blonde monster Jew-clit", is a obvious female comedian who can't stop talking about her monstrous canyon-like vag and the shitty anal-fisting fest that she calls a "sex life" to the pathetic slugs who watch Comedy Central late at night. Like that pathologically-insecure freak Sarah Silverman who preceded her, Fatty Amy is so desperate for attention/laughs/abuse/anything that she'll walk around NYC streets, flopping her cellulite to clear the sidewalk and asking people retarded questions about their sex lives---before she lifts her skirt and flashes them. It's so horrifying (think of giant purple meat curtains flapping in the breeze and spewing week-old semen everywhere) that her victims run away screaming in agony and gouging their own eyes out. That's show biz!

Of course this is a successful show, stupid question. [1] It's called "Up Amy Schumer's Ass", because Viacom headheeb Sumner Redstone^✡ is really into shoving things into really big anuses. The first skit on the very first episode was her auditioning for a "2girls1cup" thing, which is so very appropriate. Her feces probably taste like fine chocolate mousse. Mixed with gefilte fish and pastrami. In fact, if you ever want to catch a wild Amy Schumer, just set a trap with a Carnegie Deli pastrami sandwich with extra mustard and severed penises. Can't fail.

The origins of the monster

Her anus, maybe?

As it says on WP, and this is too fucking bizarre to make up: "Her father is the first cousin of U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer, making Amy Schumer and Chuck Schumer first cousins once removed.[9][10] Her great-grandmother, Estelle Schumer, was a bootlegger in Manhattan.[2]" In short, she's the hellspawn of Ashkenazi Jewish criminals and ass-rapists, plus Chuck Schumer. But they do the usual Passover crap, so it's perfectly acceptable! Maybe she'll marry the Senator and shit out deformed Heeb-monsters after eating the bitter herbs (they turn fetuses into three-headed slugs, you know).

How did she get "famous"? By winning standup-comedy competitions, and yes that kind of bullshit does exist. She won by talking about her huge floppy vag-lips and her big fat ass. For hours at a time. She's all about self-promotion, she eats and shits press releases. Which helps to explain the hambeast and the nay-remarkable tendency of her ass to crush chairs and sofas. And at all times, the pathological sexual insecurities are on full display. See her professionally-girly-girly website for more psychopathology.

Thanks to her "brilliant comedy", she talked Judd Apatow into directing a film she wrote. And then went on talk shows and claimed she didn't "promote it" or "push it" to anyone, it "just happened". It's called, and this is not a joke, Trainwreck. That should be sufficient warning.

She's ALSO Not Funny

In fact, she's so not funny (when she's not shitting on the ground or talking about her beef-flaps) she doesn't qualify as an "entertainer" at all. Booooring.

The source of her RAW POWER

	“	The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.	„

	“	I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.	„

	“	I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.	„

Yes, this is totally her face

	“	In New York I'm, like, a six - seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, 'What the fuck is that?' Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, 'Beyonce calls it jelly.' They were like, 'That's cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.'	„

	“	Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.	„

	“	I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.	„

Videos

The blob pretends to be an MTV reporter, to promote a shitty new movie she's in

The cunt falls flat on Conan

She shows old fucker Letterman her beef-flaps

Howard Stern wants to fuck her, but then he'd fuck a dead whale

No Schumer hambeast can say no to this!

The reviews

	“	Inside Amy is by far the worse comedy I have ever seen on television. Not funny at all. Very boring. Amy should be arrested for putting this show on television and wasting millions of hours of American lives. This show will be canceled soon because of how bad it is.	„

	“	The good bits are hilarious; the others often kind of just lie there.	„

	“	I'd totally hit that, but only with a blindfold on.	„

External Links

• Wikipedia Article
• Official CC website
• Her Twitter is a giant crashing bore. Nothing but "watch this new episode" and "watch that new episode".
• No, she's been in almost nothing else...
• "I’m Too Fat and Disgusting For Los Angeles!"

Amy Schumer is part of a series on Whores Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage.